I bet you get a lot of emails like this one but I would love to hear your thoughts.
I am a 23-year-old man I met a girl at school in January of 2014 and we went out a couple times never did anything and I left out of state. She was single at the time. When I came back we reconnected randomly and instantly fucked. While I was gone I looked her up on Instagram and saw pictures of her with a man. After we had sex she confessed that she was in a relationship and also said that her boyfriend is 35. She is 18. We continued casually having sex on and off until June this year. I took her out to a show and we ran into her boyfriend's friend. She stayed over that night and her boyfriend called my phone number about twenty times. Apparently he already knew about me. I let her stay another two nights cause she was not prepared to go deal with reality. He continued calling. I did not answer. When she went home he got slightly physical with her. I had already left for the summer to work and they stayed together. I see this as an abusive relationship. She doesn't have much experience dating, she was abused before, they have bills and shit together and she told me she feels trapped. I actually like this girl despite her behavior. As far as I know me and her BF are the only people she's had sex with besides a relative who raped her. I don't know whether I should drop this like a hot potato or go ahead and be a home wrecker. Since I got back a month ago we have been talking over email. Her boyfriend snoops thru her phone and blocked my number. Any advice?
The Other Man
I don't get letters like yours often, TOM—thankfully.
And, yes, I would describe this as an abusive relationship—and the abuse may be worse than you know. Abused women who stay with their abusers (because they're trapped by economic circumstance, because they're afraid to leave, because their abusers are threatening their children) will sometimes minimize the violence and abuse they're experiencing for fear of being judged or condemned for not leaving. So I worry that this woman's shitty 35-year-old BF was a more than "slightly physical" with her when she returned home.
And, yes, if it's possible for you to wreck this home, TOM, I think you should wreck it. Bearing in mind that it's no uncommon for an abusive ex-boyfriend or ex-husband to attack the ex's new partner. Look out for yourself too.
That said, if you think the prospect of being with you might inspire this woman to leave her abusive boyfriend—if she needs leverage and you're willing to play the lever—communicate your desire to be with her. But urge her to get counseling after she leaves him for you. She'll need professional help to process the emotional fallout, she'll need help recognizing unhealthy/dysfunctional/codependent warning signs and patterns, and she'll benefit from having an advocate in her life who isn't also in her pants. Tell her you have no desire to take possession of her, tell her you don't see her as some sort of rescue, tell her not to see you as a knight in shining armor. Then do what you can to help line up the resources (social, financial, familial) she'll need to stand on her own two feet—and then, if she chooses to stay with you, it's a free choice she's making, not a choice she's making out desperation or dependance.
Finally... that night she stayed over with you, after the show where you ran into some friends of her abusive boyfriend, you say her boyfriend called and called your number. How did her boyfriend get his hands on your phone number?