I'm 32 y/o and I've been with my fiancée for 3 years along with her 5 y/o son (with us half the time). Our love is strong most of the time and we have common interests, we laugh, have very good sex, and she's devoted to me, and her son and I get along great, but she (fiancée) struggles with extreme jealousy. Most notably about my ex-girlfriend who I was with for nearly four years. I have not talked to my ex in two years and she has since married and clearly moved on with her life (in a far away state no less). When I broke up with her we exchanged some emails that were positive and supportive of each other moving on and my now-fiancée read them (without permission) and often cites them in her belief that I still love and want to be with my ex. While I do care for my ex on a respectful level, I have moved on as well, but my fiancée clings to this, and I'm just not sure why, at least on a practical level she must know that it's hurting our relationship.

Furthermore, she had made scenes around other women she perceives as threatening, or at minimum is snarky and unkind to woman (particularly white woman who vaguely resemble my ex). Her "feelings" about things tend to determine everything we do, and at times I'm almost constantly reassuring her that I love her in order to get through any kind of social event or being out in public in general. She is taking some anti-anxiety meds, and she's seen a therapist a few times, but these issues continue to arise. My hunch is that you'll tell me to walk away, but I'm afraid to leave and of the drama that will unfold with her and her son with whom I've grown close, and I also do love her and feel that this is the biggest thing standing in our way of being happy and having a solid relationship. How can we get past her jealously before I officially commit to spend the rest of my life with her?

Tormented Over Meanness

DTMFA.

That's not what you wanted to hear, I realize, but in my professional and personal experience, TOM, this isn't a problem that gets better with time. On some level your fiancée wants you to leave her—and she'll go on being shitty to you and unkind to other women, and she'll keep making scenes and running you through the wringer, until you both dump and vindicate her. Face it: she'd rather be right (about you) than with you. And when you do finally dump her—or divorce her (if you're foolish enough to marry her absent a profound and lasting change)—she'll tell herself (and her son) that she was right about you all along, that you were always planning to leave her, that you're still hung up on your ex, that you're attracted to this coworker or that female friend, etc.

There's a small chance that dumping her will bring her to her senses, i.e. she'll realize she has to get a fucking grip and she'll successfully work through her jealousy issues—a process that involves accepting that of course her boyfriend/husband is attracted to other women from time to time, just as she's attracted to other men from time to time. I've seen it work, TOM, but it's a long shot.

There's also the Shamu strategy.

Good luck.