If you believe he was born today, you probably believe that this is what Hes going to look like when he gets older. I was raised a Jehovahs Witness by a jewish woman, so Im supposed to believe He was born in October on my mothers birthday.
If you believe He was born today, you probably believe that this is what He's going to look like when He gets older. tongo51 / shutterstock

You Might Not Know This, But: I was raised a Jehovah's Witness by my Jewish mother. The JWs believe that Jesus was born sometime in the beginning of October, right around my mother's birthday, which is a fact that brings her great pleasure.

Jehovah's Witnesses Don't Celebrate Christmas: They don't celebrate any holidays—except for Passover. This is because the Bible doesn't tell you to celebrate holidays—except for Passover. Does Jesus tell you to celebrate his birth? No. Does he tell you to celebrate Valentine's Day, that sinful and sterile corporate holiday that celebrates some other non-Jesus fat baby? No. How about 🇺🇸 the Fourth of July? 🇺🇸 NO. Birthdays? Well, there are three birthdays in the Bible, but a bad thing happens in each of those stories, so birthdays are kinda considered bad omens.

JWs only celebrate Passover, but they dont drink of the wine or eat of the unleavened bread. The only people who drink and eat that stuff are called the Anointed. The Anointed are part of the 144,000 JWs who will go to heaven and serve at the right hand of Jehovah. I never saw a member of the Anointed.
JWs only celebrate Passover, but they don't drink of the wine or eat of the unleavened bread. The only people who drink and eat that stuff are called "the Anointed." The Anointed are part of the 144,000 JWs who will go to heaven and serve at the right hand of Jehovah. I never saw a member of the Anointed. natushm / shutterstock


Jehovah's Witnesses Are a Fundamentalist Christian Sect, and So They Only Do What the People In the Bible Tell Them to Do: JWs also have their own reasons for not celebrating certain holidays. They don't celebrate the Fourth of July, for instance, because the only kingdom they're supposed to celebrate is the Kingdom of Jehovah, which is the paradise earth inherited only by those who know the Truth. (Heaven is also part of Jehovah's Kingdom, but it's largely an administrative spiritual realm where Jehovah reigns.) Those who don't know the Truth will be thrown into a pit with Satan and the rest of his demons. They'll be forgotten forever.

The Bible JWs Use Is Called New World Translation of the Holy Scriptures: This is a workmanlike translation of the Bible that trades "Lord" for "Jehovah." They take the shit in this book very literally.

Elementary School Curricula Are Organized Around Stuff Jehovah's Witnesses Can't Do: This fact made my childhood difficult. Every morning, the class sang the pledge of allegiance. I stood silently. When we had to draw a hand turkey or pass out Valentine's Day cards or decorate Halloween cupcakes, I had to leave the room. Often I would go the library, sit with my head down on the desk, and cry.

For Me, a Library Is a Temple of Sadness, Not a Place of Warm and Wondrous Inquiry: As a kid, a library was a prison I was sent to because my religion took the words in a certain book too literally. In my elementary school's library, I was surrounded by books I couldn't read through my tears.

This Probably Has Nothing to Do with My Feelings About the Library's Failed Re-Branding Campaign: But maybe a little bit.

Anyway, My Father Was (and Still Is) an Atheist: My parents have been divorced since I was two years old. So this time of year was always very confusing for me. Every year dad would ask me whether or not I wanted to celebrate Christmas. Every year I would have to decide whether or not I wanted to be a zealous and faithful servant of Jehovah or if I wanted a sweet fucking TYCO REBOUND.

Look at That Thing!!!!!!
 It flips over and KEEPS GOING. It can do anything else my "twisted mind can come up with!"

The Year of the Tyco Rebound Was Particularly Guilt-Filled and Terrible: Some years I didn't celebrate Christmas. But on the years when I wanted a toy as badly as I wanted the Tyco Rebound, I would definitely celebrate Christmas. But I would feel guilty the whole time. I asked my dad for that RC car and got it. I tore the thing out of its box so fast that I can't even think of a simile right now to describe it. I wanted to play with it so bad! But the instructions said that the car had to charge for six hours. SIX HOURS. I was crestfallen, but I did as the instructions told me to do. After the longest six hours of my childhood, I walked into dad's backyard, set the car on the patio, and started to drive it around.

The Tyco Rebound Did Not Rebound As Advertised: It didn't really flip over. It got stuck in the grass, in the gravel. I remember very clearly the car spinning its wheels against the grass at the edge of the patio. It sucked. The whole thing sucked.

That Christmas I Disappointed My God and Experienced My First Case of Buyer's Remorse at the Same Time: For an American kid, that's like finding out you have soul cancer.

This year, may your Christmas be more merry than the Christmas of the Tyco Rebound.