Quick update on everyone's favorite bumbling goofball doctor, Ben "Zzzzzzz" Carson. You might be wondering: Whatever happened to that guy? Where is he now? Did he ever find his keys or did someone have to give him a ride home?

Well believe it or not, he's still running for president! (Of the United States.) He was in Nevada yesterday for a caucus, and he even got some reporters to listen to him talk. "I believe that things are starting to happen," he said. "It's just a matter of time." Good soundbite! Nice message discipline!

He added, "we’re sort of in the ancient Rome stage where everyone wanted to go to the Coliseum, bring on the lions and tigers, see them eat the eagle."

Oh, that's ... what? Is that a quote from a rally or was he sleep-talking? Or both? Dr. Carson, do you have any other confusing metaphors that could further muddy whatever the hell you're talking about?

“We have a bunch of fire extinguishers, we are going to put the fire out and put the fire in our bellies,” he said.

Ah yes well that fire in your belly should help cook the eagle you're planning to eat. Anyway, Carson finished in nothingth place in the Nevada caucuses, and has a zero to the power of zero chance of winning any states on Super Tuesday (March 1). His likelihood of bringing any delegates to the convention is approximately equal to the square root of zero, which is to say, it does not exist.

So at this point I have to assume that Ben Carson's campaign exists because a couple of grifters just found a rich gullible doctor guy and convinced him that he should invest a bunch of his money in a scam. Maybe someone ought to send a few social workers over to his house for a welfare check? Or at least make him aware that the staffers he's giving money to maybe do not have his best interests at heart?

Oh, except wait, Ben Carson already seems to be aware of that. The other day on CNN he was talking about how his campaign staff recently changed, and he said, “we had people who didn't really seem to understand finances, or maybe they did — maybe they were doing it on purpose."

Yeah, maybe.

Anyway the game's just about over for Dr. Carson's Wild Ride. The campaign's nearly out of money, and they're spending way more than they're taking in. (Among their biggest expenses: big payouts to marketing companies that are either owned by or connected to people on his staff. Nothing sketchy there.)

So it's a shame that soon we won't have Carson to make fun of anymore. Because he sure was entertaining. Just yesterday he went on CNN to say that we should stop torturing people and instead use "truth serum" to get information out of them. Ah, American politics: where bad ideas don't disqualify you as long as you have money.