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Friday, January 23, 2015

SL Letter of the Day: Wonderful Fiancé Turns Out To Be Total Shit Stain

Posted by on Fri, Jan 23, 2015 at 5:28 PM

Female and 26. My wonderful boyfriend (now fiancé) asked me to marry him at Christmas. I said yes without hesitation. Super love him and totally want to be with him forever. Dreams do come true, right? Nope.

There was a friend of mine that he took issue with. He'd been my friend for almost a decade. I slept with him in the not-so-distant past, but it was the past and it hadn't amounted to anything. We maintained a friendly, non-sexual, relationship. My fiancé insisted I cut off all contact with him. Bad feeling about him. If I loved him I would do this. Whatever. I didn't. Didn't want to be that lady that cut ties with people because man said so. My fiancé and I got into it. I left. I wasn't wearing the ring. I saw this guy at the local watering hole. He asked why I wasn't wearing the ring. I told him, honestly and stupidly, that fiancé and I had had a fight. Went outside to smoke a cigarette and dude followed me. This resulted in dude forcibly grabbing my tits and ass and trying to make out with me while I said "no no no what are you doing stop no no no" and eventually pushing him off of me and running—literally running—away.

I know this is long. I'm sorry.

I didn't tell my fiancé about this for weeks. I was raped when I was 18 and everyone I told refused to believe me. I was molested when I was five and no one believed me. Moral of the story; if you are sexually assaulted, you're lying. Fiancé knows about all of that. When I finally did tell him... he freaked the fuck out and said I cheated on him. Since then (it's been months) our relationship has deteriorated to the point that there is no conversation about anything other than me cheating on him. He said I'm like every other shitty cheater he's been with and called me a filthy slut.

I mean, it took me way too long, but I'm going to DTMFA. Or am I the motherfucker that needs to be dumped? He says my lack of resistance equals acceptance. I did resist. I didn't resist to his liking, is the issue. I also need to confront this person directly, with fiancé present, or go to the police. Those seem like unreasonable terms to me.

Waiting To Forfeit

My response after the jump...

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Thursday, January 22, 2015

SL Letter of the Day: Cheater and Cheated

Posted by on Thu, Jan 22, 2015 at 4:57 PM

I'm a 39-year-old woman in a seven-year committed relationship. Two weeks before Christmas 2014, I found out from my boyfriend's best friend that he has been fucking five different women. I was shocked and heartbroken when I found out.

When I confronted my bf, he unraveled this horrible nightmare for me. During the first year of our relationship—after we discussed wanting to be exclusive—he was fucking the ex that he left for me. Sometimes it would happen every week, sometimes every month. He honestly forgets all the times he fucked his ex. At some point, he convinced me that we need to have a baby. So we bought a townhouse, we had a baby, and he was still fucking his ex. We didn't want our child to be an only child, so we had another baby. Around the time our second baby was two months old, my BF met a 25-year-old woman and started fucking her. He fell in love with this woman, and she wanted him to leave me for her. He said no. For a year, he was fucking me, his ex, and this 25-year-old woman. The 25-year-old woman cut off contact with him, and he felt rejected, so he found a 26-year-old woman and started fucking her every week. Meanwhile, we've been trying to have another baby and now I'm two months pregnant.

And I still love this fucking lying asshole who has been cheating on me and fucking around on me the entire time we've been together.

I feel so fucked, I feel so angry. I feel like my life with him has been a farce. But I need help with my kids. I can't imagine being single with two toddlers and another baby on the way. I am so horny lately because of raging hormones as well. I am considering giving him another chance, but I feel weak and disappointed in myself for still loving him. On the other hand, I wonder if I can manage my pregnancy and kids by myself.

Help, I really need some guidance about whether to consider having this asshole back in my life.

Mind Fucked At Christmas

My unsatisfying, unhelpful response... after the jump.

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Savage Love: The Hunger

Posted by on Thu, Jan 22, 2015 at 4:00 PM

  • Joe Newton
I'm a straight 18-year-old girl in my first sexual relationship. Things are a little awkward, and I could chalk it up to inexperience, but here's what I feel conflicted about: I have a vore fetish. It was a fascination for me as a young child and became a sexual thing around the time I hit puberty. I'm wondering now whether this is something I need to get off. It works well when I'm on my own, but I always thought "regular stuff" would work too once I was actually getting some. I've told my boyfriend about it, and he's more than willing to role-play with me. But these fantasies are in-my-head-only, as they rarely feature human beings (think anthropomorphic monsters and dragons, strange as this may seem), so I don't know if I could actually do this. Maybe we just need to hold out a little until we know what we're doing and regular stuff will cut it after all? I have a mounting suspicion that it won't, and I'm having trouble coming to terms with what seems to be a really warped, messed-up fetish. What if this is the only thing I can get off to? Am I doomed to solo sex forever?

Vore Only Really Excites

A quick dip into Wikipedia for readers who aren't familiar with the term "vore": "Vorarephilia (often shortened to vore) is a paraphilia wherein an individual's sexual arousal occurs in response to a fantasy of themselves, another person, or an object eating or being eaten...


Wednesday, January 21, 2015

SL Letter of the Day: Closure

Posted by on Wed, Jan 21, 2015 at 4:19 PM

Originally posted on May 22, 2013.

Twenty-one-year-old female here. When we were both 14, my first boyfriend took advantage of me. I wanted to explore my sexuality a little, but things went further than I wanted. One day, we were kissing with him on top of me. We were both fully clothed, and he started rubbing up against me. I didn't realize he was dry-humping me until after he had to leave to clean himself up. He never asked for my permission. Once I understood what had happened, I felt violated. He'd also groped my boobs on another occasion without asking. He broke up with me a couple months later. I haven't spoken to him in seven years.

For the most part, this hasn't scarred me too much. I'm comfortable with my sexuality. However, it's very painful for me to think about what happened. I also avoid having sex with someone on top of me, because it reminds me of what happened and I start panicking. I want some closure so I can move on with my life. I don't want to report him to the police because it's not necessary—it happened so long ago. As far as I'm concerned, it wasn't rape. But I do feel like I was exploited, and it was not consensual.

I want to contact him and ask him to apologize because I feel a sincere apology would help me get over this. The problem is that he lives on the other side of the country, and I have no way of contacting him besides looking him up on Facebook. I don't think FB is the right place to talk about this, but it's not possible to talk in person. How can I get in touch with him in a way that's appropriate without having to see him?

Would've Said No

My response after the jump...

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One "Savage Love" Reader Helping Another

Posted by on Wed, Jan 21, 2015 at 8:09 AM

"Possible answer for VORE from last column," writes Jason. "Maybe she could get one of those inflatable mascot costumes that has the ability to 'eat' a person? Seems like this could almost be a cottage industry. A park full of animatronic creatures that can 'eat' vore fetishists? Like Jurassic Park but more orgasmy."


Tuesday, January 20, 2015

SL Letter of the Day: Lotion Up

Posted by on Tue, Jan 20, 2015 at 5:03 PM

Originally posted on October 23, 2013.

My girlfriend always responds positively when I initiate sex with her, but she hardly ever initiates sex with me. I'm a no-beat-around-the-bush kind of guy, but I realize that this can be a sensitive topic, and I don't want to scare her by saying, "Please initiate sex more often!" So I do small things to coax her and let her know that I want her to initiate. I will lotion up in front of her after we shower. Or I'll say something like "I wanted to fuck last night-maybe you can wear one of your sexy bras and thongs one day soon?" But it hasn't worked. The only time she'll initiate is if I haven't initiated for a while and she's sexually frustrated. But that can take days!

Girlfriend Rarely Initiates Naked Dance

My response after the jump...

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Monday, January 19, 2015

SL Letter of the Day: Worst. Sex. Ever.

Posted by on Mon, Jan 19, 2015 at 2:36 PM

Straight chick, 32, fairly vanilla. Met a handsome dude, 37, seemed to have a good head on his shoulders. Outside the sheets he was perceptive, seemingly emotionally intelligent, funny, and considerate. Went on several dates before fucking.

Once we were in the sack, it was obvious that all he knows about sex, he learned from internet porn. Absolutely no clue how a woman's body works: tried to finger me without actually inserting any fingers or touching my clit. Attempted positions that he may have seen on-screen but are not a thing in real life. At one point, flipped me onto my stomach so he could lick my back??? That's fixable; technique can be improved.

But what can't be fixed is a total lack of respect for your partner in bed. Any efforts I made to take control were rebuked. He kept pausing to make awful, lame jokes. Several times I asked him to stop, telling him that it wasn't sexy and a turn off. Dan, he tried to make an off-color Bill Cosby joke while his dick was INSIDE ME.

When he started to penetrate, I told him to get a condom. He tried to convince me that he's been tested and was clean. Seemed totally surprised when I said, "Right, but I still don't want to get pregnant." At first he pouted and said that we couldn't have sex if he wore a condom. Really? Did he think I'd be like, "Oh, well in that case... let's have unprotected sex, guy I met a few days ago." When I pressed the matter, he said, "You're making this feel like a job!"

He went down on me at one point and was sucking my clit, using his teeth, and it was painful. The first time, I pushed his head away gently and said, "That hurts!" I had to ask him twice more to stop. Later, when he was penetrating me, he kept trying to finger my asshole. I'm totally cool with ass play if I know and trust a guy, but that is not a first-time thing for me. I told him to stop and he kept going. I shouldn't have to say it twice. When I, again, told him that wasn't cool, he said, "I thought you were evolved sexually." I had to explain that some sex acts are reserved for when you know a person better. Grossest, most awful kisser ever. Basically smashed my head into the pillow, shut off my nasal passages with his face so he could, like, suck on my lip and do, I don't even know what, with his tongue?

There's more, but I've written a novel at this point.

I'm a fan of your campsite rule, but things were just so awkward that I wanted to get the fuck out of there and didn't feel like giving him a play-by-play critique. I felt so gross and disrespected that I needed a shower.

I'm not sure if I'm asking for advice or just venting. I'm pissed at myself because I know I'm doing the "girl thing" of self-blame. I'm mad that I didn't just up and leave when things went south because I felt I had to be "polite." I'm questioning my judgment because the dude seemed great in real life and it turns out he clearly has issues. First guy I've really been interested in after a nasty divorce and am questioning my taste in men.


Totally Grossed Out

My response after the jump...

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Friday, January 16, 2015

SL Letter of the Day: Violating New Rules

Posted by on Fri, Jan 16, 2015 at 2:03 PM

My girlfriend and I decided before we went on separate trips—mine was for a court case in Philadelphia, her's for her mother's birthday party in Chicago—that we would probably be okay with each other sleeping with other people as long as we discussed it beforehand to make sure we are taking each others feelings into account.

We had ground rules clearly laid out. After my two day drive up, she called me and told me that she had a guy eat her out and if it was okay for her to sleep with the guy. First I was in shock and as the day grew longer I just got more upset about it. I got her to admit that she blew the guy and I just felt so cheated because we where already trying to take each others sexual desires into account. All she had to do was call and say this guy wants to go out later or I'm going out later with this guy, how do you feel about that, is it okay we fool around? Instead she just proceed.

I feel cheated and naive. I was always trusting and thought we had great sexual chemistry. (The day I left, we has sex twice.) We live together and moved to a new city together recently too. I've been attacked trying to save her before and been through crazy shit with her. I loved her more than anything in this world before this but now I feel really conflicted. I feel like I've given so much and all she had to do was take my emotions into account.

Should I tell her to move out and move back with her parents in another state? She can't really afford to live on her own. I'm 28 and she's 23.

She Violated The Rules

My response after the jump...

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Thursday, January 15, 2015

Savage Love: Porn and Circumstance

Posted by on Thu, Jan 15, 2015 at 4:00 PM

  • Joe Newton
My fiancée is extremely bothered by me looking at porn. It revolves around insecurities that have gotten so bad that even other girls bother her. (We can hardly go to a beach anymore.) I don't have any weird relationship with porn-no addiction, no violent stuff, and I look pretty infrequently. She acknowledges that it's a normal thing but is unable to get past it. She has gone through two counselors on her own, and we have gone through two couples counselors. They have ALL said the same thing: "It's completely reasonable to want him to not look at porn, and if he loves you, he won't look at it anymore." I have been asked how often I look at it, why I won't stop looking at it, why is it so important to me. They have recommended "clinics" to help me abstain from porn. This all happens after both of us say that our goal is for this-me looking at porn very occasionally-to not be a problem and even after we've told them that she used to be totally okay with it (four years ago) but now she feels crazy and doesn't want to feel this way about it. Our last therapist said my refusal to go to a clinic showed that we had a toxic relationship! I'm dumbfounded. Every time we see a therapist like this, it damages our relationship.

Lack Of Sane Therapists

"The therapists seen by LOST have drunk the Kool-Aid: Porn is automatically bad, stopping porn use is always the best answer...


SL Letter of the Day: Your Kid Could Be Queer (But So Could Anyone's Kid)

Posted by on Thu, Jan 15, 2015 at 2:48 PM

My 7-year-old son was asked to read a note he wrote to his entire class. The note: "Dear Mark: Would you like to go out with me and maybe give me a kiss?" Mark was mortified, the whole class laughed at my son, and his teacher went apeshit bonkers. Seeing as my son has always been a charmer with the ladies, I was caught unprepared for this. I didn't get into the whole preference thing when I spoke to him about it, but I tried to be understanding. Here’s what I said: “The class rules say that we keep hands, feet, and lips to ourselves, correct? And you're too young to be kissing anyone but Mom and Dad anyway.”

He's my son, Mr. Savage, and I will always love him, but we're a traditional-if-less-conservative-but-still-very-Christian family. Being ostracized at such a young age by less tolerant family members would be painful for any child, and there's also the school environment to consider. If my son's preference is for other boys, how can I ask him to hold off acting on his feelings until he's mature enough to understand them better? I want to spare him from the harsh reality here in our Redneckopolis but I don't want him to feel bad about who he is—it was tough enough for me being an overweight nerd with gynecomastia in school. I just want him to be a safe, secure, confident, and happy child.

Distressed And Determined

My response after the jump...

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Wednesday, January 14, 2015

SL Letter of the Day: A Monstrous Fantasy

Posted by on Wed, Jan 14, 2015 at 4:00 PM

I'm a straight 18-year-old girl, in my first sexual relationship. Neither of us has much of an idea of what we're doing—things are a little awkward, but it's fun enough. I could just chalk the awkwardness up to to inexperience, but here's what I feel really conflicted about: I have a vore fetish. It was a fascination to me as a young child, and became a sexual thing to me around the time I hit puberty, but I'm wondering now whether it's something I need to get off. It works well when I'm on my own but I always thought regular stuff would work too once I was actually getting some. I've told my boyfriend about it, and he's more than willing to role play with me if I want him too. But these fantasies are in-my-head-only as my they rarely feature human beings (think anthropomorphic monsters and dragons, strange as this may seem) that I don't know if I could actually do this. And besides, it was hard enough putting it into words when I told him, and I can't just contemplate role playing it.

Maybe we just need to hold out a little till we know what we're doing and maybe regular stuff will cut it after all? But I have a mounting suspicion that it won't, Dan. And I'm having trouble coming to terms with what seems to me, on most days, to be a really warped, messed-up fetish. What if this is the only thing I can get off to? Am I doomed to solo sex forever?

Vore Only Really Excites

My response... after the jump.

Continue reading »


Tuesday, January 13, 2015

SL Letter of the Day: New Dad's Urge Surge

Posted by on Tue, Jan 13, 2015 at 6:30 PM

I was alerted about you and your blog during a very critical and extremely discomforting time in my life. For the past four years I have been involved in a serious relationship with an incredible woman. This past September we celebrated our second wedding anniversary. We also welcomed our first child in November.

Prior to dating my wife I had sexual encounters on a few occasions with men. I enjoyed them to some degree but they weren't as sensational as I thought they would be. I thought that this was all an experimental phase and that I was just sampling sex with the same sex as a means of figuring out my sexual preference and orientation. I had several meaningful relationships with women in between my occasional hookups with men. I throughly enjoyed the companionship I received from those relationships in a variety of ways. The only real attraction I felt to men was one of physical and sexual desires.

During the dating stage of my relationship with my wife I informed her about my encounters and to my surprise she was understanding. I told her that some of the experiences were okay and others were ones I'd rather not relive. She took it as me trying something I thought I might like and discovering that while it was enjoyable in some ways I mostly didn't have any interest in pursuing it long term.

Throughout my marriage the occasional "urge" to participate in same sex activity has been low to mild. After the baby was born the desire to do something with a man intensified unlike never before and before I knew it I had created a temporary email account aside from my normal one to contact Craigslist postings. I sent private pictures of myself to a handful of men and received pictures in return. I couldn't believe what I had done so I made the decision to inform my wife. After informing her about what I did I still continued to send a few more pictures. This greatly worsened our situation.

My wife has since moved back in with her parents temporarily while we attempt to figure out our marriage and what all of these sexual attractions mean. I feel like the ultimate failure in countless ways. I would like to bring some clarity to the situation so that both my wife and I can begin to move forward with our lives whether that be together or apart.

New Father's Old Habits

My response after the jump...

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Monday, January 12, 2015

SL Letter of the Day: A Short Selection of Today's DTMFAs

Posted by on Mon, Jan 12, 2015 at 5:15 PM

I sent an e-mail in November about the same issue. Basically, my boyfriend prefers masturbation and porn over intimacy with me. I'm good-looking and in shape, so that's not the issue. I'm e-mailing again because as I suspected, things have gotten worse, and now we're only having sex maybe once a month—and only after I (sometimes very emotionally) express how much it hurts me that he doesn't want to have sex with me. My self-esteem is dwindling and I'm taking this really personally. I'm starting to think that it will permanently affect my self-esteem and sense of self-worth and leave me feeling unattractive and sexually obsolete to all men. I've never felt this insecure about myself before. We're about to move in together and sign a one-year lease (right now he's just living w/ me, not on any lease). Think we should just both throw in the towel before things get more serious? I honestly can't be in this situation forever. I suppose I'm just hoping for some advice or suggestions that things will get better.

Hoping For The Best

My response—which is easily guessed—after the jump.

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Friday, January 9, 2015

SL Letter of the Day: Three Quickies

Posted by on Fri, Jan 9, 2015 at 6:18 PM

My friend was dumped by her first boyfriend after six years. She promptly quit her job, moved out of their apartment, out of state, and is now staying with me. A few months out there is drama and hurt feelings between her and the ex, as well as his overbearing new girlfriend who continues to heckle my friend via text message. I recognize this is not my business. My question is how do I be a good friend in this situation? Most of the time she doesn't share with me, probably because I am not a warm person and have never experienced anything like this to draw from. When I ask her is she's okay she usually dismisses or deflects. I don't know whether to push, butt out, play the roll of the angry friend bad mouthing others, suggest a quick rebound, etc. I am lost. Any advice would be much appreciated.

Distressed Old Friend

My brief response—and two more quickies—after the jump...

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Thursday, January 8, 2015

SL Letter of the Day: The Eject Button

Posted by on Thu, Jan 8, 2015 at 7:30 PM

Originally posted on October 16, 2013.

My boyfriend and I have been together for two years and we live together. Recently, his ex was killed in a car accident. They were not on good terms, and he often made scathing statements about her. I made the mistake of saying the following several days after her death (after offering him my sympathy on numerous occasions): "I don't know how to help you grieve in this situation because you didn't like her." Obviously, that was a stupid, careless thing to say. I apologized numerous times, and he said that he forgave me. Fast-forward two weeks. We were out having drinks with friends. He disappeared from the bar and wouldn't answer my calls. I ended up calling a cab and heading home by myself. When I got home, he was there drinking with our roommate and some of his friends who were crashing at our house, including his friend's wife. I was angry and went to bed. I awoke at 8 a.m. alone and went downstairs, where I found him making out with his friend's wife on our porch. They were both incredibly drunk. Later, he told me he was still angry about my comment, accused me of hating his ex, and informed me that he spent the entire night venting about me to his friends. I am totally capable of getting over one drunken kiss—everybody makes mistakes. However, I feel like the whole context was incredibly toxic and hurtful, especially him airing our dirty laundry to his friends. I'm not sure if I'm interested in staying with someone who can't speak to me like an adult when he has an issue, and instead gets scary drunk and makes out with people. I told him that this chick owes me an apology before I can ever even consider getting over it. I asked him to consider quitting drinking. And I asked him to make it clear to his friends what really happened when it came to our interactions over his ex's passing, so I don't have to be treated like the bad guy in this situation. Am I being too demanding? Does it seem like our relationship is worth salvaging? We've had our ups and downs, but I hope we love each other enough to get past this.

Confused And Concerned About Situation

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Savage Love: Programming Notes

Posted by on Thu, Jan 8, 2015 at 4:00 PM

  • Joe Newton
I have been wearing bras and panties with stockings for so long now, it's become a part of me, and I was wondering if you have heard of this before.

Sent From Samsung Mobile

People wearing bras and panties and stockings—that is something I've heard of before.

A quick programming note: Some weeks, half the questions I get are longer than the column itself. I can jam 1,250 words into this space, provided I avoid using longer words when shorter ones are available—e.g., "gay" has one syllable, "homosexual" has five; "asshole" has two syllables, "former Arkansas governor Mike Huckabee" has twelve. Suffice it to say, very long letters rarely make it in. So while I usually appreciate letter writers who get to the point—the more succinct the question, the better the chances it will make it into the column—it's possible to be too brief...


Wednesday, January 7, 2015

SL Letter of the Day: Pro-Love, Pro-Human, Pro-Reality

Posted by on Wed, Jan 7, 2015 at 5:00 PM

You answered LASS (the 52-year-old single woman's question) by stating that she may well be single for the rest of her life. I find it odd that you find encouragement for every writer who expresses an urge to scratch a kink, no matter how revolting it might seem. Yet when some lonely woman writes in expressing an urge for a connection, the most basic of human instincts, you dismiss it out of hand. You may be pro-sex, Mr. Savage, but you are anti-love, and anti-human. You are shameful.

Sent From My iPad

My response to SFMiP—and his to me, and mine to his to mine—after the jump...

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Tuesday, January 6, 2015

SL Letter of the Day: Basic Bastards

Posted by on Tue, Jan 6, 2015 at 6:05 PM

Hey, Dan. 32-ish Canuck female here. Starting to wonder if the series of things I'm "looking for" in a partner is starting to veer into "too many dealbreakers" territory.

Specifically it's feminism—I am so, so exhausted dating men who I have to explain basic feminist principles/ideas/concepts to. Things like women being socialized to be deferential, the oppressiveness of street harassment/objectification, or arguments about drunk girls passed out at college parties bearing personal responsibility for subsequent assaults. And I date cool men, Dan! Or at least, these guys are otherwise ostensibly educated, liberal, etc., and yet they've somehow maintained piles of these sorts of unquestioned notions. Also I'd really like to not have to have the "men are just more sexual than women and women want babies and security and rich men" conversation, not even a corner of it, thank you please very much. Guhhhh.

So okay—I casually bring up feminism now in early conversations because if that scares him off, good! Also if you've read Sex at Dawn before I've shoved it at you, gold star! But, man oh man, does this ever narrow the pool. Add to this: I'm kinky, D/S-style, and would ideally like a relationship that eventually includes openness—openness that isn't limited to threesomes with other women. (He gets two girls sometimes, I would like two guys sometime—only fair, right?) I feel like I've got to be a Yahtzee for somebody. I'm cute enough, bright enough, socially adept enough, I've got interests and skills—I'm not a lemon. I do however live in a small community in the far north most of the year—though it is a community full of educated young arty people from big cities, so it's a limited pool but not a stagnant one.

Anyways, that just starts to seem like a lot to ask, y'know? Kinky, dom-y, already-smart-about-gender-issues—also must be attracted to me and attractive to me and live somewhere between Vancouver and the Arctic Circle without passing east of the Alberta line.

I am including photos—a dumb selfie I took a year ago in Lisbon and a pic of a snow-tree topped with an Ice penis that I made this winter in the Yukon. I do well enough finding guys who are interested—and I totally get that I'll have to "settle for" if I ever want to "settle down"—but, good lord, these dealbreaker things of mine seem pretty damned non-trivial, y'know?

Kinky Feminist Forest Girl

My response after the jump...

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Monday, January 5, 2015

SL Letter of the Day: Harshing His Smell-o

Posted by on Mon, Jan 5, 2015 at 4:28 PM

I'm a 28-year-old straight woman. I've been with my boyfriend since I was 18. He's an incredibly smart guy, his sense of humor absolutely jibes with mine, and he's honestly just a genuinely *good* guy. There are two problems.

The first is that he doesn't place a priority on taking care of himself. He's had issues with depression, and hygiene has been put on the back burner. He doesn't shower on a regular basis, or brush his teeth. He doesn't eat well or exercise, and is overweight. He smells bad a lot of the time and he doesn't do his laundry like he should, or wash his bedding, so his whole room very often has an odor. I've told him that these are things that need to be addressed, but either he's not capable of caring or I'm not being clear enough. I don't want to be too harsh and make him feel even worse, but it's been very difficult to be with him in any physical sense. I can't kiss him without thinking about the teeth that need to be extracted, and it's very gross to me when he touches me with hands that smell like ass.

The second problem is that neither of us seem to be physically up to the task of actually having a sexual relationship. He has trouble maintaining an erection, and I find penetration extremely painful. After we had attempted it a few times with no success, we eventually gave up and settled for snuggling and lots of private time. I became convinced that I just wasn't "into" sex, until I experienced an overwhelming (and un-acted on) attraction for someone else. As I now understand I do want sex to be a part of my life, I am willing to attempt therapy to solve my own problems with sex, but I'm not sure how to help my boyfriend with his problems. I'm not physically attracted to him, but I honestly think that could be fixed if he tried. I'd appreciate any advice you have for me.

Not Attracted To True Love

My response after the jump...

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Thursday, January 1, 2015

Savage Love: Routine Maintenance

Posted by on Thu, Jan 1, 2015 at 4:00 PM


What is your stance on maintenance sex? I'd never thought about the issue until reading Amy Poehler's new memoir. I didn't find anything she said controversial, and was surprised when this quote blew up in the feminist blogosphere: "You have to have sex with your husband occasionally, even though you're exhausted. Sorry." I'd never realized many people firmly believe one should have sex with their partner only when they are in the mood! Some articles even made it sound like maintenance sex is a form of nonconsensual sex. I have sex with my husband pretty often when I'm not in the mood. He would prefer sex every day, and I'm more of an every-other-day or twice-a-week girl. I'd say about 25 percent of the time we are having sex, I am doing it for maintenance purposes. I always enjoy it and I get off the majority of the time, but I don't always go in wanting it or needing it. Is this wrong? Am I not the feminist I thought I was?

Maintenance Sex Supporter

I'm pro maintenance sex, MSS.

Sometimes I sex my husband when I'm not feeling it; sometimes he sexes me when he's not feeling it. But maintenance sex is not the same thing as enthusiastic sex. The person asking for maintenance sex—the horny partner who's being indulged/milked/sexed by the non-horny partner—shouldn't expect mind-blowing, toe-curling, sheet-shredding sex. Maintenance sex is mellow sex, it's low-impact and low-stress, it's sex that requires minimal effort, and it's likely to be non-penetrative sex—and gratitude is the only appropriate response.

Another important note: Being pro maintenance sex doesn't obligate a person to have sex whenever their partner wants it. Proponents and practitioners of maintenance sex still get to say no…


Friday, December 26, 2014

Savage Love: Only the Lonely

Posted by on Fri, Dec 26, 2014 at 4:30 PM


I'm a short guy and I need advice. I don't want a small paragraph's worth of advice, like you gave "Below Their League" a few years ago. I need advice beyond "Women like men taller than them, get over it!" I get it. I'm short (five foot two), and most women are taller than me. And women like tall dudes just like I like slender women. Fat women may have it hard, but at least they have their fans and their own sex-object abbreviation: BBW. But where can a short guy go to feel appreciated? Is there an abbreviation or a dating website for us?

Jesus Christ, I'm Lonely

"Below Their League," who wrote to me in August of 2010, described himself as a short, slender guy who was only attracted to tall, butch women. He longed to be held in the strong arms of a woman who could snap him in two—and he wasn't having much luck. This was the totality of my advice for him: "Most women prefer men who are taller than they are. It's a sad, unavoidable fact, BTL, one you'll have to accept (just as I had to accept that most men prefer women), and you'll have to search harder for the lady/lady arms of your dreams. Not much else you can do about it"…


Tuesday, December 23, 2014

SL Letters of the Day: Suggested Language

Posted by on Tue, Dec 23, 2014 at 2:28 PM

My boyfriend and I have been together for 3.5 years now, have been living together for a little over two years, and find a lot of love and support in our relationship. He is a teacher and I am a biologist, we volunteer in the community regularly, have silly dreams of working to make the world a better place, and we are not religious. Last year I finally introduced my partner to my mom—a tough visit because she's been a devout Mormon all her life. I was nervous about this visit because she has always had a rule that unmarried couples sleep in separate bedrooms and abide by all Mormon house rules: no coffee, no alcohol, no PG13- or R-rated movies, no sex for heathens, no being gay—all of her rules are absurd and insulting to me. Oh, and by the way, she got married at 19 and divorced after four years so her "sanctity of marriage" talk is not totally convincing.

I tried to talk to her before coming to visit and at the suggestion of my partner I wrote her a long email explaining why I believe my relationship is not sinful, telling my mom that I love her, and asking if there is a way we can find common ground where we can both feel respected. Her response was mainly hurt and anger, but she decided she'd put us up in a motel a half hour away in a small West Virginia town as a compromise—because she couldn't let us share a bed under her roof. This was a big leap for her based on past behavior. We reluctantly agreed, but it was awful. Her husband is a millionaire and they have plenty of lovely unoccupied guest bedrooms, but she put us up in the shady, dirty, 1950s motel where Psycho could have been filmed, making us feel doubly inferior. I don't want to play the bitchy daughter card, but I am frustrated by how much I have to hold back about my life to maintain a relationship with her and don't want to subject my partner to this degrading situation again.

She really liked my boyfriend and wants us to visit this spring with the same Psycho motel deal. He is obviously not excited about going, but neither of us know what to do. Is it fair to say a flat out, "No, I'm not coming unless we can be ourselves and feel welcomed," or do I concede to her idea of middle ground, which doesn't quite feel like middle ground?

The Heathen Daughter

My response—and another letter or two—after the jump.

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Some Savage Love Fan Art

Posted by on Tue, Dec 23, 2014 at 9:39 AM


The rest is kinda disturbing—so the complete image is after the jump.

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Monday, December 22, 2014

SL Letter of the Day: Happy Polidays

Posted by on Mon, Dec 22, 2014 at 4:02 PM

I'm a happily poly woman in my thirties with a couple of kids and a wonderful husband. I also have a GGG boyfriend whom I love. We've been together about a year and he gets along well with my spouse and kids. We're all very happy with the way things are and it's starting to look like it's going to be a long-term arrangement.

Here's my issue: my boyfriend is a full-time student in his early twenties and he still lives with his parents. About five months ago, he told his mother that he was seeing someone, and the plan was to follow your usual advice and let her meet me and get to know me before rolling out the news that I'm significantly older (I am 35 but can still pass for late twenties), that I have kids, and that I'm married with no plans to change that. However, she apparently facebook stalks her sons and she connected my first name with my Facebook profile and immediately discovered that I am married. She was just as horrified as we expected and it has been the subject of much tension between my boyfriend and his mother. (His dad is remaining characteristically disengaged). I have met her once and she was polite, but I know that she strongly disapproves of our relationship, and honestly I can empathize with her position. I have a son myself, and if he were in a similar situation I would be very skeptical. She has refused to meet with me a second time and it's been almost six months since he first came out.

The holidays are nearly here and my boyfriend wants me to join him for some of the holiday family stuff, and my husband is amenable. However, though I really want to meet the rest of his family, I'm hesitant to attend because I don't want his mom to feel needlessly uncomfortable.

My boyfriend says he'll discuss it with her beforehand and make sure she's OK with it, but I'm still afraid this will make things worse for him. On the other hand, I also know that she'll never come around if she never gets a chance to see that I'm not a monster who wants to hurt her son. I love him and I only want what's best for him—just like she does. Should I go? If I do, how can I show her that we're on the same team?

Not Mrs Robinson

My response after the jump...

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Friday, December 19, 2014

SL Letter of the Day: A Thank-You Note (And Bonus Thank-You Pic)

Posted by on Fri, Dec 19, 2014 at 2:09 PM

I'm a 28-year-old straight man and my wife is a 31-year-old mostly straight woman. We have been married for four years. I recently discovered the lovecast and your column, and my wife and I have been voraciously consuming back episodes ever since. It usually takes an hour or two to get through an episode because we keep pausing to discuss each caller before listening to your response.

I just want to thank you for inspiring us to really work on communication and being open with each other. While we haven't been inspired to try dolphin fucking, we have been inspired to contemplate an open marriage where we're both free to explore relationships with other people. It has been hugely liberating (and a huge turn on for us both) to discuss and fantasize openly about our desires for other people. Thinking about dating others has also made me realize how complacent I had become in my own marriage with the assumption that we'd always be together. I had been neglecting the romantic side of our relationship. When I realized that I was willing to take other women on dates or to the movies—I don't like going to movies—but wasn't regularly taking my wife out to do the things she likes to do, I had to take a closer look at my negligence.

While neither of us has had an outside partner yet, I am happy to report that we're having more great, kinky, fun sex than we have in years, and our lines of communication are wide open. Thanks for all that you do!

Boy Is Grateful Reader

P.S. You sometimes encourage listeners to send you pictures (for science!) so here is a small token of my appreciation. Attached please find a photo of 24-year-old me, fresh out of the Navy.

Thanks for sharing, BIGR, and thank you for the picture—the Internet definitely needed a pic of 24-year-old you, fresh out of both the Navy and your pants. It's NSFW and it's after the jump...

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Thursday, December 18, 2014

SL Letter of the Day: the Right to Not Know

Posted by on Thu, Dec 18, 2014 at 6:00 PM

Originally posted on December 4, 2013.

I'm a bi woman in my mid-20s in a great monogamish relationship with my straight boyfriend. We occasionally invite other women into our sex life, which is really enjoyable for both of us. He isn't threatened by other women, only by other men, which isn't an issue since I'm not interested in any other men. So on the occasions when we find a lady we're both into who's also into us, anything goes, and it's awesome. We've hooked up with both friends and strangers, but always as a couple because it makes us both feel safe. That's all lovely. Enter the problem: I was visiting some friends of ours I used to live with before my boyfriend and I moved in together. After going out for drinks, we were playing an alcohol-fueled card game that turned into an alcohol-fueled strip card game. This is in my former home where I am very comfortable, feel safe, and was frequently in various states of undress while I was a housemate. One friend soon had her lovely breasts out, and she made a few comments that were direct and inviting and turned me on a little. I touched her boobs and sucked on her nipples, but that's as far as things went. Her boyfriend witnessed this but wasn't involved. It was a fun, playful moment, and soon after, I went to bed—alone. It wasn't anything my boyfriend would've objected to had he been there, but he wasn't there. Should I tell him about it, or is this a case where he has the right not to know? I'm not interested in pursuing anything further with this friend, and I'm not sure what talking about it would accomplish, other than being honest at the expense of my boyfriend's feelings, and probably making me feel bad for something that, although it seemed innocent and harmless in the moment, I shouldn't have done.

Non-Intentional Playful Partying Lady Experiences Situation

My response after the jump...

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Savage Love: At the Neptune

Posted by on Thu, Dec 18, 2014 at 4:30 PM


We did a live taping of the Savage Lovecast at Seattle's Neptune Theatre. More questions were submitted—anonymously, on index cards—than we could answer during the Q&A segment. So I'm answering some of the questions we didn't get to in this week's column.

My partner wants me to pee on him. I'm not so into it. Now what? Should I do the "one and done" thing or put it on the big "no way" list?

One and done—and with any luck, after seeing what a big nothing peeing on someone actually is, you'll have a change of heart and peeing on your partner will wind up on your "once in a while, if you're good, and only after I've had few beers so it's basically just hot water" list.


Wednesday, December 17, 2014

SL Letter of the Day: Your Sister's Keeper

Posted by on Wed, Dec 17, 2014 at 3:35 PM

Originally posted on October 30, 2013.

Two years ago, I found a letter in my sister's car informing her that the blood she gave during a charity blood drive had tested positive for HIV. I didn't say anything to her at the time, because it was a really bad time, I wasn't supposed to find out, and I didn't know what to say. In the time since, there were a couple times that it sounded like she came close to telling me, but never did. I worry she never will. She has also recently had some health complications that raise concern about how well she's taking care of herself, and I am concerned that she's missing out on treatment that she should be receiving out of fear that someone in our family might find out. (As an added complication, our family is a bunch of judgmental religious immigrant types.)

My sister and I have had a complicated relationship growing up and have really only begun to get along in the last few years. In short, our relationship is fragile, but I care for her deeply. I can't really understand the gravity of having to live with HIV, especially being from such a family as ours, but I wish we could have her diagnosis acknowledged between us so she can know that I'm not going to stop loving her, that I respect her no less, and that I want to help take care of her. I want her to feel supported, because this must be terrifying to face alone. But that means having a conversation that I'm not sure I have the right to start. What should I do?

Sensitive Issue Surrounds Treating Errant Retroviruses

My response after the jump...

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Tuesday, December 16, 2014

SL Letters of the Day: A Foursome

Posted by on Tue, Dec 16, 2014 at 5:33 PM

A friend recently told me that he was "solopoly," where he doesn't have a monogamous or even a primary relationship, but instead has multiple relationships with varying degrees of physical intimacy. Is this a thing now? I consider you the authority on all things relationship, traditional or otherwise, and would appreciate having you weigh in on this one.

Some Only Love One

This is, indeed, a thing now:

Solo polyamory is a fluid category that covers a range of relationships, from the youthful “free agent” or recent divorcee who might want to “settle down” some day but for now wants to play the field with casual, brief, no-strings-attached connections, to the seasoned “solo poly” who has deeply committed, intimate, and lasting relationships with one or more people. Some solo polys have relationships that they consider emotionally primary, but not primary in a logistical, rank, or rules-based sense, and others don’t want the kinds of expectations and limitations that come with a primary romantic/sexual relationship.

Here's my theory: taxonomists don't have much to do these days—there's not much left on the planet in need of "description, identification, naming, and classification" since humans are driving everything that isn't human to extinction—so they've turned their attentions to human sexuality and gender. It would explain the explosion of new classifications (some needed, some not) and new ten dollars words (ditto) that no one can keep up with. Idle taxonomists—it's the only explanation that makes any sense.

Also, SOLO: that space between "solo" and "poly" is important. Quickly reading your letter I heard so-lop-oh-lee (in my head)—sounds like "sloppily"—and not "soh-lo pahl-ee." Most solo polys would object to the suggestion—even the hint of a suggestion—that there's anything sloppy, emotionally or sexually, about their relationship preference/orientation.

UPDATE: My brother weighs in on Twitter:

"Solopoly" = Formerly known as "being in grad school" or "working in bar or restaurant."

A few more short letters... after the jump.

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Monday, December 15, 2014



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