"What The Hell Is Frottage Anyway?," September 27, 1993
What the hell is frottage and where can I get some? If you don't answer my question, I'll stay awake nights watching info-mercials.
Stupid In Seattle
Hey, Stupid in Seattle:
There's no such thing as "frottage." It's a word I made up. I wanted to see how many letters I would get asking me what "frottage" was after I introduced it in my column. Originally, I was going to make up a definition—something like "Frottage is the act of making charcoal rubbings of your lover's genitals"—but my conscience got the best of me and I'm coming clean; there's no such thing as "frottage."
[Ed. Note: Dan has often been known to lie to stupid people in his column.]
"Dan Landers," March 16, 1992
Ann Landers writes an advice column that appears in daily papers across the country. Since I know my readers are way too hip to waste their advice-seeking time on ol' Ann, you might have missed her column last Sunday:
"Many straight people believe homosexuality is a curse and that gays are miserable. Some homosexuals may agree with them. I, however, have heard from gays who consider homosexuality a 'special bonus.' So let's settle that question once and for all. I'd like to ask the gay community how it feels about this."
"To every homosexual who is reading this: Please send a card to Ann Landers, P.O. Box 11562, Chicago, IL 60611-0562 and write either 'Yes, I'm glad I'm gay,' or 'No, I would rather be straight.' I will announce the results in a few weeks."
Ann is a fellow advice monger, and out of professional courtesy, I've decided to help her out. Clip the coupon at the bottom of this week's column. If you're queer, check the "I'm glad I'm queer. I wouldn't be straight if you paid me" box. If you're not queer, poor thing, check the "I'm not queer, but I wish I were" box. Then put the coupon in an envelope and send it off to Ann. Do it right now.
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