Savage Love Letter of the Day: The Only Lesbian in the Village


I pretty much fell out of the closet after Trump got elected. I had a kid to raise in a small conservative town and I've always figured she was my top priority. For years now I've focused on being the calmest, safest space I could for my child and I put her needs ahead of my own. I thought there would be time for me once she was older.

But his election made my own lack of community feel so painful that I couldn't stay locked away any longer. So I came out to a few people and then a few more and it keeps happening. And now I'm going through this massive jumble of emotions that seems scarier every single day. I've tried to be smart and proactive here. I found a good therapist (I drive pretty far away to see him but he's worth it) and I'm seeing him consistently. I talked to my doctor about all of this and attempted to see what he knew about local support (there is none). I tried a few of the online dating apps just to meet some new people but I kept getting relentlessly hit on by men instead of women and goddamn it all because I think I feel more alone now than I did when I was refusing to acknowledge I had any emotions or that I was even gay in the first place. I'm still trying there, and I'm attempting to initiate what I can when someone interests me, but it all feels like I'm in way over my head. It's so much to process all at once.

I know exactly one other lesbian in my little town and I've tried connecting with her but she's got her own issues. I can't uproot my kid and I can't afford to up and quit my job and just move to a more open and accepting city even though I'd really love to. I have at least four years until that's an option. I don't know what to do or who to reach out to, Dan, and I feel like I'm losing my fucking mind.

A Lesbian Openly Needing Empathy

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Savage Love Letter of the Day: We're Not Moving To Canada (Yet)


This isn't a sex related question, so if you don't run it or respond, I'll understand. Over all the years I've been reading your column, you've become something of a trusted political commentator along the way, and I want to get your opinion.

In the run up to the most recent presidential election, a number of celebrities made comments along the lines of, "If Trump wins, I'm moving to Canada." Lena Dunham springs to mind, and Snoop Dogg made some reference as well once it was clear that Trump had won. But as I write this the world is staring down the barrel of Trump's inauguration, and I haven't heard of anyone notable packing their bags. I guess my question boils down to: why not?

Now, full disclosure—I'm Canadian. But after eight years of watching Obama's presidency make such mild or nonexistent progress on health care, LGBTQ rights, gun control, racism, sexism, environmental protection, equality, financial security for workers, etc., only for it to lead to such a blowback as to elect Trump and threaten to roll it all back or worse; to see the government solidly in the hands of plutocrats and alt-right nazis, I just don't understand. The US seems so incurably divided, and the division is getting worse.

By no means am I saying Canada is perfect. We're threatened by most of the same issues as in the US, and have some uniquely our own. PM Trudeau isn't as left-leaning as he's often made out to be in the American press, and some distinctly Trump-style voices are rising on the right. But when it comes to social progress important measures just seem so much more secure here, or pushed further down the field. And an influx of liberal ex-pat Americans would only make them more secure in elections of the future.

Emigrating is no trivial thing, I get that. But for people with the means—I don't just mean celebrities—what keeps them from doing it? Patriotism? Our climate? (It's not that bad, I swear!) I've (half) joked that the history of Russia is the history of human misery—after the first couple of hundred years, anyone who could leave should have done so if they had to walk. As the US faces down yet another decade of fighting not to move backwards, at what point do you say enough? At what point do you choose a battlefield you can win on?

Confused Liberal In Toronto

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Savage Love Letter of the Day: Reader Advice Round-Up


Welcome to week three of Reader Advice Round-Up. Got some advice you wanna offer up to a Savage Love reader or Savage Lovecast listener? Or maybe you've got some advice for me? Send it over to and we'll slog through it.

In response to my comments to (Not) ALWAYS:

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Obamacare: Evil. Less Evil. But Still Evil.

Lots of Dems were annoyed by the title of the chapter on Obamacare in American Savage: "Evil. Less Evil. But Still Evil." If you're one of the annoyed Dems who sent me an annoyed and/or furious email, please take the time to read Ryan Cooper's important story on our broken—still broken, still evil—health care system:

Matthew Stewart owes $62,668.78 for drugs, surgeries, and other treatment. With both bankruptcy and possibly fatal liver failure looming, he doesn't even bother opening his bills anymore, he told The Week. "There was no point. They just upset everyone," he says.

Stewart is 29 years old, and was pursuing his Ph.D in American history at Texas Christian University until ill health forced him to withdraw. He lives in Ft. Worth, Texas, with his wife of six years, who is a junior high school teacher in a low-income district. They own their home. Before he came down with complications from cirrhosis caused by autoimmune hepatitis, he says he led a scrupulously healthy lifestyle—he does not drink or do any other non-medical drugs, he says, and was a devoted hiker before disaster struck. And he was insured—indeed, he had a gold plan from the ObamaCare exchanges, the second-best level of plan that you can get.

But now he faces imminent bankruptcy and possibly death.

Go read the whole thing. But here's the moral of this immoral story: Even if you have health insurance, even if you have the best plan under Obamacare, even if you have health insurance through your workplace, you and your family are still at risk of ruin, bankruptcy, and avoidable death.

And you will remain at risk until we have a single-payer healthcare system.

Lots of people—dumb people, thoughtless people, conservative people—complain about their precious tax dollars going to support a healthcare system they may never use. "What if I never get sick?", these dumbfucks say. "What if I'm lucky enough to die suddenly in a car crash and never spend a day in the hospital in my life?" But even if you never get sick and die suddenly on a golf course or in a tree well, you still get something out of a single-payer/Medicare-For-All healthcare system: peace of fucking mind.

Like I wrote on Slog during a Democratic debate...

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Savage Love Letter of the Day: Mouth to Vagina Sores?


This (sadly) isn't a question about sex but since it's about genitals, I thought I'd send it to you anyway since I can't find the answer. About 2-3 times per year, I get a cold sore (on my mouth lips) and because life is cruel, these often coincide with having my period. I am vigilant about washing my hands before and after changing my tampon and I try never to touch the cold sore but I'm wondering about the possibility of inadvertently giving myself genital herpes. I have been accidentally celibate for about five years and have this horror that I'll end up with a non-sexual STI. Could life be that unfair? Or can I let this fear go?

Cunt Or Lip Dilemma

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Savage Love Letter of the Day: What's Allowed In His Spank Bank?


I am quite the follower on social media: Facebook and Twitter in particular. I make no trolling comments, no #MAGA hashtags; I just look with my male gaze. Like critic Laura Mulvey says, it's only natural.

I've lost some interest in pornography, so I use everyday pictures of women, typically selfies. It helps me to know the story behind the face and body. None of these pics are pornographic—just feel-good selfies by young women posted on social media. I don't communicate with these people because that'd be creepy. I'm not worried about whether this is abnormal. I just wondered if people would be okay with this, if people were aware of behavior like mine when they post, and if I should ask for permission to wank to selfies of these "girls next door."

(Not) Anthony Lech Weiner Asking Youngish Starlets

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Crowd At MLK Rally Boos Cathy McMorris Rodgers

Meanwhile in Spokane...

The crowd turned on local Congresswoman Cathy McMorris Rodgers during a Martin Luther King Jr. Day event at the Spokane Convention Center on Monday. Thousands of people gathered at the rally before the planned march through downtown Spokane.... During the rally, attendees were heard booing McMorris Rodgers, yelling the word "liar" and chanting about saving healthcare. McMorris Rodgers has been vocal regarding her support of repealing "Obamacare."

Lots of the same white working class voters in Spokane who got health insurance under the ACA demonstrated their gratitude to Obama and the Dems by voting for Donald Trump and McMorris Rodgers, both of whom promised to destroy the ACA. Maybe Spokane's Trump-and-McMorris-Rodgers-backing/ACA-dependent voters didn't think Trump would actually repeal the ACA, like these idiots. What's that saying? Oh, right: Live and learn and lose your health insurance and die.

Also yesterday: Donald Trump made a promise that the Republicans in control of Congress aren't gonna wanna keep:

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Savage Love Letter of the Day: Lifelong Straight Guy Wants To Recreate Magical Gay Sex He Once Had With Smooth Guy Whose Queeny Ways Appealed to Him


I'm about eight years older than you and am in good shape for a man my age. Better than most my age. I have been straight for most of my life. I'm still very attracted to women very much. About nine years ago I had a sexual affair with a sweet and very sexy gay man. It was short lived because I was scared of anyone finding out. He was, sensitive, very passionate, and powerful in bed. I would wrap my legs around him while he banged me. Not having had that experience before... it was totally amazing to watch and feel. I wanted and still want more. But only with the right person.

About that time, women stopped paying attention to me and I thought that perhaps I should explore more of my gay side. I tried to get back together with that same man a few years later but because I was so flaky towards his requests he doesn't want to have anything to do with me. I can see that, but I'm still incredibly attracted to him on a physical level. He has almost a queeny way about him. You definitely know that he is gay when he walks into a room, but that's another part of him that really turns me on. That very gay accent and a bit of swishiness that turns me on very much.

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Angela Merkel Is Now the Leader of the Free World

Orange Julius Caesar gave an interview to the Times of London and Bild this weekend... and, yeah, so much for the alliances and institutions that have kept the peace in Europe for seventy years. OJC is gonna burn it all down as a gift for his BFF from the KGB:

European leaders grappled with the jolting reality of President-elect Donald Trump’s skepticism of the European Union on Monday, saying they might have to stand without the United States at their side during the Trump presidency. The possibility of an unprecedented breach in transatlantic relations came after Trump—who embraced anti-E.U. insurgents during his campaign and following his victory—said in weekend remarks that the 28-nation European Union was bound for breakup and that he was indifferent to its fate. He also said NATO’s current configuration was “obsolete” even as he professed commitment to Europe’s defense... “We will cooperate with him on all levels, of course,” German Chancellor Angela Merkel told reporters in Berlin. But she said Europeans would need to take responsibility for themselves. “We Europeans have our destiny in our own hands,” she said.

Dear Angela: Please don't feel obligated to cooperate with Trump on any level. (And so long, Baltic States, it was nice to know you.)

Savage Love Letter of the Day: Tsunamis, Dream Jobs, and Other Reasons Not To End a Relationship Prematurely


Thanks, Dan. You were right. — Impending Expiration Date

"You were right." After "I love you" and/or "Want another blowjob?" those just might be the three sweetest words in the English language. But what was I right about, IED? Clearly I wasn’t right about a tsunami wiping out the east coast. What was I right about exactly? — Dan

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Savage Love: Clubbing

Joe Newton

My partner and I have been playing with male chastity devices. We've been considering going to a strip club while his cock is caged up and getting him lap dances. Is there some etiquette for this with the dancers? Do we let the dancer know before she is on his lap? Or do we not mention it? Is it rude to get a dancer involved at all? I've not yet found an etiquette guide for this situation.

Letting Our Cage Kink Show

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Savage Love Letters of the Day: Reader Advice Round-up


Last Thursday, I started posting some of the smart advice and responses I get by email from readers and listeners. Since I didn't get hundreds of angry letters complaining that last week's Reader Advice Round-up was boring and a waste of time, here we go again...

In response to Strictly Come Dancing:

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Savage Love Letter of the Day: A Germaphobe Couldn't Be Into Piss, Right?


Our president elect is disgusting for an incredible number of reasons, but his (alleged) proclivity for piss play is not one of then. I'm not here to kink shame, merely curious: In his press conference today, after attacking the dossier about the Kremlin blackmailing him as "fake news." The PEOTUS also mentioned that he is a "germaphobe," presumably suggesting that as such he would never engage in the reported bed-soaking incident. Even though he's an incredible liar, this characterization actually squares with descriptions of the PEOTUS I have heard before, and also with some of his public behavior. For example, I think we were supposed to be disgusted at the thought that Megyn Kelly might be menstruating ("blood coming out of her... wherever"). He also tried to shame Hillary Clinton for using the bathroom during a debate. If, in this rare case, the PEOTUS is being truthful about his germaphobia, should we conclude that this would make him less likely to be interested in golden showers and water sports?

Thanks For What You Do

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Savage Love Letter of the Day: My Ex Was Wrong For Me But The Sex Was Perfect


I'm a 28-year-old straight female, and I have a dilemma. I was in a relationship with a guy on and off for about five years. We met in college, dated on and off, we dated other people when we weren't together. It eventually progressed to something more serious after college and we were in a committed, monogamous relationship for about a year or two. However, things we didn't talk much about in college started becoming an issue, i.e. the fact that he wanted kids and I didn't and that I'd have to convert to his religion if we wanted to eventually marry. Needless to say, even though we had chemistry, things didn't work out, and we broke up about a year and a half ago. Now here's my dilemma: I've dated other guys since my ex, and slept with a few since then, but the sex never seems to be as good. And every time I have mediocre sex, it makes me miss my ex (although I have not tried to reach out to him). Am I doomed to have mediocre sex for the rest of my life? What can I do?

Constantly Underneath Mediocre Men

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Intel Chiefs to President-Elect: Um, Dude, the Russians Have a Compromising Video of You Being Pissed On And/Or Near By Russian Sex Workers

What was that, CNN?

Classified documents presented last week to President Obama and President-elect Trump included allegations that Russian operatives claim to have compromising personal and financial information about Mr. Trump, multiple US officials with direct knowledge of the briefings tell CNN. The allegations were presented in a two-page synopsis that was appended to a report on Russian interference in the 2016 election. The allegations came, in part, from memos compiled by a former British intelligence operative, whose past work US intelligence officials consider credible. The FBI is investigating the credibility and accuracy of these allegations, which are based primarily on information from Russian sources, but has not confirmed many essential details in the memos about Mr. Trump.

Here's that bombshell memo. And here's the detail that is blowing up on Twitter...

However, there were other aspects to TRUMP's engagement with the Russian authorities. One which had borne fruit for them was to exploit TRUMP's personal obsessions and sexual perversion in order to obtain suitable "kompromat" (compromising material) on him. According to Source D, where s/he had been present, TRUMP's (perverted) conduct in Moscow included hiring the presidential suite of the Ritz Carlton Hotel, where he knew President and Mrs. OBAMA (whom he hated) had stayed on one of their official trips to Russia, and defiling the bed where they had slept by employing a number of prostitutes to perform a "golden showers" (urination) show in front of him. The hotel was known to be under FSB control with microphones and concealed cameras in all the main rooms to record anything they wanted to.

Twitter is a hot stream of piss jokes right now. But we're all waiting for this...