Savage Love Letter of the Day: My Loving Wife, The Dicktease

I am a 52-year-old straight male, married for almost 30 years. For most of those years, we've had a satisfying (albeit vanilla) sex life. In the last decade, my wife’s once quite healthy libido has dwindled considerably, to where sex is now 2-3 times a month, and, more often than not, she seems to me to be not very engaged. A few times a year, we'll have a flurry where it’s twice in the same weekend and she might seem a little more into it. I try to be GGG, but she not only doesn’t seem to care all that much about it being great for me, but she also doesn’t appear to care all that much about it being great for her. She always seemed to reach orgasm pretty easily, but now usually says no to me going down on her (which I’m very happy to do) and to foreplay in general (which I also enjoy). It feels to me like she usually just wants to get it over with. I often can't last long enough for her to come from intercourse alone, so it usually ends up frustrating for me, and I assume, for her, too.

Now, I am not another writer asking you to make my wife want sex more again.

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A Conversation With a #BernieOrBuster About Dinner

Submitted by Christopher Baird...

Moderator: As you know, we've completed the semi-final round of our bracket for dinner choices.

(crowd murmurs, unhappily)

M: I know, I know. Many of us are unhappy with the final choices, but here we are and crying won't change it. Now, we leave it to you: stewed beets or strychnine.

BernieOrBuster: I wanted turnips!

M: Well, turnips lost to stewed beets.

BoB: I don't accept that! Stewed beets stole this from us.

M: Um...not really, but it's moot. Please choose between stewed beets and strychnine.

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Bernie Sanders: "Hillary Clinton must become the next president of the United States!"

It was a great speech.

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Sarah Silverman Has a Message for the #BernieOrBust Crowd

Silverman was an early and passionate Sanders supporter — but she's not an idiot. Silverman endorsed Clinton tonight, said she would proudly vote for her, and then, when asked to vamp, delivered a needed smackdown to the #BernieOrBusters in the room and in the streets.

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Savage Love Letter of the Day: What Would You Do About My Awful Mum?

I have a troubled relationship with my mum but I try to make it work most of the time. She's not very nice to me and will make hurtful comments without even knowing they're hurtful. I've talked to her about it but she refuses to acknowledge that her words and actions are hurtful, let alone change her behaviour. What's worse is that she treats my partner of 8 years in a similar way. My partner feels pretty uncomfortable when she's around. It's not just us, my brother's wife has recently decided after 20 years that she doesn't want to be around her anymore and she no longer attends family gatherings.

I think mum has some mental health issues but she'd never acknowledge this or get help. Her mental health is the way it is largely due to a series of traumatic events - three of my siblings died (not one event, years apart) and my dad died young at 48. He was an abusive alcoholic. So mum's been through a lot. It's no excuse for her behaviour but it helps to understand the way she is the way she is. I've tried to get her to see a psychologist but she refuses.

This is all background to my current dilemma.

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Revolution Now Eating Its Own: Bernie Supporters Boo Bernie Sanders

They cheered for Sanders when he said, "We have got to defeat Donald Trump!", and then a second later booed Sanders when he said, "We have got to elect Hillary Clinton!" The booing continued as Sanders reminded his booing supporters that, "This is the real world we live in!" Yes, it is. And here in the real world the only way to defeat Donald Trump is by electing Hillary Clinton. There is no alternative — Bernie isn't going to get the nomination, Jill "Plan B" Stein isn't going to prevent Donald Trump from implanting (or whatever), and Gary Johnson isn't going to win the election.

Listen to Bernie, Berners: Want to defeat Trump? Elect Clinton. Period. The end.

Remember when progressives liked to say they were proud members of the reality-based community?

Via Towleroad.

Required Reading: Republican Intellectual (Cough, Cough) Predicts Death of GOP

Something uplifting to distract us from Bernie delegates booing calls for party unity in Philadelphia this morning: Zack Beauchamp's interview with Avik Roy at Vox.

Here's how it starts:

Avik Roy is a Republican’s Republican. A health care wonk and editor at Forbes, he has worked for three Republican presidential hopefuls—Mitt Romney, Rick Perry, and Marco Rubio. Much of his adult life has been dedicated to advancing the Republican Party and conservative ideals. But when I caught up with Roy at a bar just outside the Republican convention, he said something I’ve never heard from an establishment conservative before: The Grand Old Party is going to die. “I don’t think the Republican Party and the conservative movement are capable of reforming themselves in an incremental and gradual way,” he said. “There’s going to be a disruption.” Roy isn’t happy about this: He believes it means the Democrats will dominate national American politics for some time. But he also believes the Republican Party has lost its right to govern, because it is driven by white nationalism rather than a true commitment to equality for all Americans.

Speaking as a gay American... the Republican Party never looked like it was even trying to fake "commitment to equality for all Americans." The GOP has been the party of white nationalism and heterosupremacism and dominionism for as long as I've been old enough to vote. Here's hoping the GOP collapses and something less toxic, less compromised, and less hateful rises to take its place.

Go read the whole thing.

Letter From a Thoughtful Sanders Supporter & Stein Sympathizer

I'm one of those people who feels sympathetic enough with the Greens (and disappointed enough in Hillary) to be on the fence. However, you made an excellent point about how a movement must be built from the ground up, not just run a candidate for president every four years. It's an argument I haven't heard elsewhere, but it makes complete sense. When you look at other countries (Canada for instance) parliamentary systems force new parties to run candidates at local levels, because that's where government is formed. Or in other systems, new movements are willing to form coalitions with other parties (in effect, compromise) to win influence. In fact, that's what Bernie has done with Hillary: he has formed that kind of coalition, and made that kind of compromise, in order to force through some of his agenda. It was very hard work, but that's how it's done in civilized societies. So thanks for making me think about all of this.

Best Efforts R Never Ignored Ever

Hillary Clinton Announces Running Mate


Hillary Clinton named Senator Tim Kaine of Virginia to be her running mate Friday, selecting a battleground state politician with working-class roots and a fluency in Spanish, traits that she believes can bolster her chances to defeat Donald J. Trump in November. Mrs. Clinton’s choice, which she announced via text message to supporters, came after her advisers spent months poring over potential vice-presidential candidates who could lift the Democratic ticket in an unpredictable race against Mr. Trump.

Some people are happy. Some people aren't. They're having it out on the Twitter.

Savage Love Letter of the Day: Not Another DTMFA?!? Yes! Another DTMFA!

Thirty-two-year old, married straight male. I have a problem that I don't know how to deal with. I'm an alcoholic, and my wife is too. We met 5 years ago at the beach. I had never drank more than three or four drinks in a day, and never before 5 o'clock, but I was crazy about her and had a blast day-drinking. We hit it off and are now married.

When we started dating we lived in separate cities about two hrs away, so we would spend every weekend together. Drinking. A lot. After we moved in together I've had a spate of jobs, but nothing that would be called a career. Now I'm a certifiable alcoholic, I wake up to a beer three days of the week. She has a great job, but she still comes home and drinks until bed. I don't know how she does it. This kind of substance abuse is hurting our relationship, I don't have her tolerance, and I cannot be productive in any way, shape, or form the day after drinking.

What do I do? She's not going to stop drinking, but I can't live a normal life drinking like this. I don't have the willpower to not drink when she does it too. I've talked to her about it, I've even been in rehab for a week, but the minute I slipped she happily had a beer right beside me. She's a superhero when it comes to alcohol, but I'm not. It's ruining my life. Any advice?

Don't Really Understand Nasty Knelling Sound

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How Green Is Her Bullshit: An Uncharacteristically Brief Response to the Green Party Spokesperson's Dishonest Response to My Podcast Rant

The Green Party's Jill Stein is polling at 5 percent nationally.

So a non-pasty-faced Green Party spokesperson/hack had this to say yesterday in response to something pasty-faced me said on my podcast months ago:

First, the Green Party actually does run candidates from dog catcher on up. Here are just a few of our currently seated elected officials around the country.... Your readers can find even more at our database, here. These names and offices may not impress Dan Savage, but we each have way more skin in the electoral game than he has shown to date. We’re running candidates for all levels of state and federal government too, and some of our featured candidates are here, the list of which include Dr. Margaret Flowers, who activists will recognize as a fighter for single-payer healthcare, against the TPP and the editor of In my home state of Colorado, we are proud to support our U.S. Senate candidate, Arn Menconi, a former elected county commissioner from the area around Vail. So, you see, Savage’s assertion that we only run presidential candidates is incorrect...

You got me, Andrea Mérida Cuéllar: I haven't run for office. My own pasty skin isn't in the electoral game and never will be. But can't the same could be said for, oh, almost all of the members of the Green Party? The overwhelming majority of whom haven't run for office and will never will? If people who haven't run for office aren't allowed to hold or share political opinions, then perhaps Cuéllar would be so kind as to tell the Green Party stooges littering up my Twitter feed to delete their accounts.

And it's true, as Cuéllar points out, that not everyone in the Green Party is pasty-faced. But I'd like to see a breakdown of Green Party membership by race. I suspect that the Green Party, like the GOP, is overwhelmingly white. The African American delegate from Texas in the cowboy hat at the Republican National Convention—he spent more time on national television this week than Mike Pence—is probably annoyed when people describe the GOP "overwhelmingly white." The GOP likes to point to the small number of Republican elected officials who are Black or Hispanic to refute the overwhelmingly-white/pasty-faced/previously-covertly-but-now-overtly-racist charge. We don't take that argument seriously when apologists/hustlers for the GOP make it and we don't have to take it seriously when the Greens do. (Your party isn't overwhelmingly white? Data, please.)

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NBA Moves All-Star Game Out of North Carolina

Suck it, bigots:

The National Basketball Association announced Thursday that it would not hold the 2017 All-Star Game in Charlotte, N.C., in a reaction to state legislation passed earlier this year that eliminated specific anti-discrimination protections for lesbians, gays and bisexuals. The legislation also mandated that transgender people use bathrooms that match their birth gender.

This is a very big deal.

And it's important to remember that North Carolina didn't just attack the LGBT community with it's stupid and hateful — and increasingly costly for North Carolina — law banning anti-discrimination protections regulating bathroom use. The law also banned cities in North Carolina from raising the minimum wage and it also made it harder/impossible for people discriminated against in North Carolina on the basis of their race, faith, or gender to sue. The bill was a great big rightwing hate sundae with a giant OMG TRANS PEOPLE IN TOILETS! cherry on top.

So this news good for trans people — the NBFuckingA is sticking up for trans people! — but it's also good news for lesbians, gays, bisexuals, women, people of color, and people struggling to get by on the minimum wage.

Savage Love: Three Peters


I'm sorry if my English is wrong. I'm writing from Germany, where I am being heartbroken and not knowing how to go on. I've been seeing a guy for a couple of months and slowly falling in love with him. "Peter" has always been very open to me about himself, his failed relationships, and his commitment issues. He talks frequently about his ex-boyfriend from five years ago and how being left created a deep fear of being left once again. He also had a relationship that ended a year ago. Yesterday he told me he's still in love with the guy from one year ago but that his love is unrequited. He also told me that he values what we have but he can't stop loving this other guy…

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Savage Love Letter of the Day: Different Day, Different Couple, Same Issues, Same Advice

I'm a 34-year-old gay male in a new relationship with a 28-year-old bisexual undocumented immigrant. For a year we were friends with benefits, and he wanted more, but I was reluctant because he would say things like "if you are my boyfriend, you need to know I am possessive," and I would back off. I was also co-dependent emotionally with an ex.

Two months ago my ex moved across the country, and as you might guess, I latched onto this guy. I asked him to take me back after I'd broken up with him, and he had stipulations: he wanted to meet my parents (done, even brought him to my sister's wedding), he wanted monogamy (no problem), and now it looks like he wants me to ask permission before scheduling plans with my friends.

He is Latino, and he will say, "I am the man here, you need to ask my permission for things, but I don't need to ask you." (English is his second language, and while he understands well, it's not like I can have a super-nuanced conversation with him.) I balk at asking permission for anything. He hasn't pushed the issue, and sometimes brushes it off as a joke, but last night he said, "I'm serious about this," and I said, "That's not fair." He also said, "I don't want to control your life, just know what you are doing." I said that was fine, but he had to, too. He didn't want to talk about it anymore.

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Savage Love Letter of the Day: The Boyfriend Experience

I'm a 24-year-old bi woman confused about how to proceed in my relationship. My partner and I have been together for four years, and we have one child. I love him dearly, and we have a really good sex life. Still, there are problems in our relationship that I feel helpless to fix or to endure.

A couple of months into us being together, we were long distance. He struggles with depression and became totally derailed. He would talk constantly about hurting himself and refused to go to therapy. He needed constant reassurance that I would never leave him, often needing to be told this nonstop for hours each day. I felt totally alone and scared, and I became too emotionally involved with a male coworker. Although there was never any physical intimacy, it really damaged his trust in me when he found out that I was talking to a guy about our relationship and the guy developed a crush on me.

That was about four years ago. For over a year after that, my partner would rarely touch me. When I could get him to have sex, he wouldn't go down on me or show any interest in giving me pleasure. He forbid me to wear makeup and would lash out at me if I wore anything even slightly sexy outside of his company/supervision. He would also sometimes read my emails and go through my phone, although there was never anything wrong to find. I felt as though I would go through the rest of my life robbed of my sexuality and lonely.

A little over a year ago, I got totally fed up and could not take that anymore. We had some serious conversations about it, and our sex life really improved. We also started going to a swing club, which has been really fun for both of us.

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