Savage Love Letter of the Day: Kept in the Closet with Golden Handcuffs

DAN.jpg

My husband and I have been together 17 years, married for two. We are a pair of gay guys facing a dilemma. My husband is the primary source of our income, and he's earned a very nice company retreat through his achievements, which allowed for a spouse to attend. Since we are now married, he opted to include me. However, since this retreat will include many of his clients and coworkers, to whom he is closeted, we are both feeling nervous about how this will affect his relationships with them as he relies on commission for our financial well being.

His concerns weigh on the idea that he has allowed many of his clients to assume his wedding ring symbolizes a heterosexual marriage, and in the face of his husband, they will view his omission of the whole truth as a trust issue. I don't want to do anything to jeopardize our financial future because he is hauling income at a rate I could never hope to achieve, so I am completely willing to keep myself at a minimum, but the cat will be out of the bag, so to speak. I'm wondering if there is a better way to approach this situation. I have a great deal of social anxiety and am not sure if I can approach the people he works with as myself, or if I should adopt some kind of neutered persona, or recuse myself as much as possible. He assumes the clients attending are mostly conservative.

Sometimes Honesty Hurts

Continue reading »

Savage Love: Dick Monsters

apr20_savage_dick-monster_mag.jpg
I'm a queer girl living with a male partner. This weekend, we found ourselves in an after-hours club, made some new friends, and ended up at a house with two other guys and a girl. Things were pretty playful with everyone except for one of the guys. We all wanted him gone, but he wouldn't take the hint. He bought the booze for the after-party, so we were a little unsure of the etiquette of asking him to leave. Neither I nor the other girl was interested. I made it clear that penetration was off the menu for me, and everyone respected this—except the one guy. He asked if I would do anal, and I refused. He shoved his fingers in my ass, and I stopped him. I positioned myself away from him, but he somehow got behind me again and put his bare dick in my ass—though barely.

Read article »

Savage Love Letter of the Day: Reader Advice Round-up

DAN.jpg

This week, questions and quandaries about open relationships, buried penises, plus bondage and cats (unrelated issues) on the Savage Lovecast. Plus, I mailed off checks to Planned Parenthood ($33,333.34), the ACLU ($33,333.33) and the International Refugee Assistance Project ($33,333.33) from the money we raised selling ITMFA ("Impeach The Mother Fucker Already") buttons, t-shirts, hats, stickers, coffee cups, and lapel pins at www.ITMFA.org and www.impeachthemotherfuckeralready.com. (There's new merch, too! Go get some!) And, as always, my inbox was crammed full with feedback from readers. Send your cranky and/or insightful opinions—along with your sex and/or relationship questions—to mail@savagelove.net.

First, a Twitter thread on whether or not a man should apologize to a woman he only now realizes he assaulted back then:

Continue reading »

Savage Love Letter of the Day: Open Relationships Can Work (But This One Doesn't)

DAN.jpg

I am a 28-year-old homoflexible woman. My girlfriend/partner of eight years (who I co-own a house with) has dumped me after falling for her fuck buddy. I am such a wreck. We decided to open up our relationship about six months ago. It was a mutual decision because we were actually in a good place and both felt secure enough to do that. She has a higher sex drive than me and I wanted her to feel fulfilled so I encouraged her to find someone she could have sex with in addition to me. Well, she found this girl about 2.5 months ago and now has decided that she doesn't want to be with me anymore. Throughout those two months, she was really inconsiderate whenever she spent time with this girl: not telling me when she would be home, coming home hours after she said she would, spending the night with her even when I asked that she take a break from spending the night. I guess I should've seen it coming. But it still hurts so much.

I know that the end of the relationship doesn't mean that the relationship failed, but it feels like the last eight years were wasted because of how she has treated me recently. I feel so hurt by her that looking back at the good times we did have, they seem tainted. The main thing I need help on is how to move forward. We bought a house together so I have to see her all the time. It's really difficult to do that. She gets to have someone but I'm left pretty isolated (she was needy and I slowly gave up my friends over the years without realizing it). So I don't really have anyone to talk to and I have to see her every day. What should I do? I'm completely lost and I haven't eaten or gotten out of bed in three days. Life just doesn't seem like it's going to get better at this point, even though logically I know it will. Any advice you have for me moving forward would be so appreciated.

(And I hate to have an example of an open relationship not working because I still believe in them. I know that this failed not because of the fact we were open, but because of how inconsiderate my girlfriend was.)

Deeply Totally Mother Fucking Awful

Continue reading »

Old, Schooled: Fox News Fires Bill O'Reilly


NYT:

Bill O’Reilly has been forced out of his position as a prime-time host on Fox News, the company said on Wednesday, after the disclosure of multiple settlements involving sexual harassment allegations against him. His ouster brings an abrupt and embarrassing end to his two-decade reign as one of the most popular and influential commentators in television.

Tucker Carlson will be taking O'Reilly time slot. A nice time to revisit this video...

Continue reading »

Savage Love Letter of the Day: The Mystery of the Buried Penis

DAN.jpg

I am a 65-year old circumcised male. I’m not as spry as in my earlier years, but my penis works fine for sexual and urinary functions. I am healthy, relatively fit and vegetarian. Starting about two years ago, commuting to work on my bicycle, my penis would frequently retract into itself (“like a frightened turtle,” to quote a popular TV sitcom). I’d have to stop dig it out in my pants. It was uncomfortable and weird, but not painful. Lately, it’s happening often no matter what I’m doing, and I have to survey my surroundings before sticking my hand down my pants. I’ve tried wearing boxers instead of Jockeys, pajamas with no undies, but nothing helps. Any recommendations, or should I see a Urologist?

Hands In Pants

Continue reading »

ITMFA Donates $100,000 to ACLU, Planned Parenthood and IRAP

1492535539_tmp_ITMFAbanner.jpg

I'm mailing out checks today—and not just to the IRS.

This morning I had the distinct pleasure of mailing off checks to Planned Parenthood ($33,333.34), the ACLU ($33,333.33) and the International Refugee Assistance Project ($33,333.33)—money we raised selling ITMFA ("Impeach The Mother Fucker Already") buttons, t-shirts, hats, stickers, coffee cups, and lapel pins at www.ITMFA.org and www.impeachthemotherfuckeralready.com. And I got to mail those checks out because nearly 10,000 Savage Love readers and Savage Lovecast listeners have ordered #ITMFA gear over the last eight weeks!

The best part of wearing ITMFA buttons or t-shirts or hats or lapel pins or all of the above? Or the second best part, I should say, after helping to raise money for three critically important and hugely effective organizations fighting Donald Trump? The interactions you have with friends, co-workers, neighbors, at anti-Trump marches, on the bus, etc. Because when people are going to ask you what ITMFA stands for and YOU GET TO TELL THEM it stands for 'Impeach The Mother Fucker Already!" (If there are kids around you can go with "Malicious Fascist" or "Malodorous Fart" or "Malignant Fraud.") We sell the buttons in ten packs (ten for $10) so you can share buttons with people who absolutely have to have one after they find out what it means!

We want to raise another $100,000 for Planned Parenthood, the ACLU, and IRAP! Here's how you can help!

Continue reading »

Savage Love Letter of the Day: Caught Between Her Man and His Hot Friend

DAN.jpg

I'm 24, and a female in a relationship with a very lovely, sweet, slightly depressed 24-year-old pansexual guy. We have been together a year, and he has introduced me to a whole gaggle of his friends. He's one of those people who has managed to keep his friends from childhood still in his immediate circle and they are obviously very important to him.

About six months in, one of his closest friends—I'll call him "B"—confessed to the both of us that he is an exhibitionist and invited us both to undress him and do as we wished with his body. He's a personal trainer and I kid you not, Dan, the David would be jealous. My boyfriend was into this, as was I, and there was a lot of touching, kissing and spanking going on. I have always sensed an attraction that he had with B, and I'm not jealous—if anything it turns me on. We had some of the hottest sex we have ever had afterward, feeding off that sexual energy. After this incident my partner has refused to talk about it, insisting that B is like an older brother to him. That was weird to me, as it felt like an inherently sexual experience, he fully participated, and I saw real evidence that the experience turned him on.

Continue reading »

Savage Love: Hard Limits

apr13_savage_hard-limits_mag.jpg
Joe Newton
I've read your column for as long as I had access to the internet and was interested in sex, so here goes: I'm a 27-year-old male with a 42-year-old girlfriend. We met at work; we were both going through divorce. At the beginning, holy moly! My dream girl in the bedroom. We've been together for a year, and the sex is still the best I've ever had—she says she feels the same—but it's vanilla. I am assertive and in-control in the bedroom, which works for both of us, as she prefers to be passive and wants me to make moves or switch it up. I want to do other things, but she doesn't want to do anything anymore other than missionary-position sex. Anal, oral, watching porn together, bondage, voyeurism—she's not up for any of it. There's always an excuse: "I'm not young like you," "I'm not flexible like you," "I have done that before and don't like it, no, no, no." Do I just suck it up and be grateful for what I have or what?

She Hates Options Totally, Desires One Way Now

Read article »

Savage Love Letter of the Day: Reader Advice Round-up

DAN.jpg

I'm not sure why, but my inbox was filled with questions about crime this week (maybe because we're finding new and innovate ways to amping up our police state). Questions about outdoor sex, assault during group sex, and when to disclose a DUI during a date all came my way. I had my opinions, and you all had yours.

Regarding Desperately Examining Erotic Trees:

Just read your Q&A about outdoor sex, and while it's hardly as convenient or cheap as walking outside, my gf & I just got back from a Bliss charter cruise for nudists/swingers/etc. Clothing was required inside the ship, but the pool area and a couple of sections of upper(outdoor) decks were clothing optional, and deck 12 forward had both nude and play areas during the day. Was fantastic to have a place for sex in the bright sunshine, Caribbean air, moderate temps, etc. No bugs, no cops, no worries about Instasnapfacechatgram fame. Highly recommended! Great DJs at the nightly theme parties, too. (Caveat: this was definitely a straight-and-bifemale-only environment, FWIW)

And for Irritated At My Husband's Overly Reasonable, Nice, Young Demeanor; Advise Now:

Continue reading »

Savage Love Letter of the Day: How Soon Should He Bring Up His DUIs?

DAN.jpg

I'm exactly 40 years old and have started seriously dating again for the first time in 8+ years. Go me, I'm proud of myself for doing this! I'm going on a date tomorrow for the first time in over a year. Since I've started dating, I keep running into an issue... I have 2 DUIs in my past. Now, because I'm so good at my job (HS teacher, helping to keep future generations positive) and have such a fabulous family support system, the only consequences I've suffered have been financial. I'm one of the most "stable" dudes on Grindr, even if I only make five figures. So when and how is it appropriate to tell a potential partner about my past legal troubles? (There are other issues, too: not being able to bottom without poppers; not being able to top, period... but those I can work through with my shrink.)

Although there are more issues, which you shouldn't have to deal with, the crux is this: when and how do I say "I have 2 DUIs, and I haven't given up alcohol, but I never, ever have a drink when I have to drive and I never, ever will?" And, in the last 10 years, that has become obsessively true: if there's even a chance I get behind a wheel, I abstain for 24+ hours.

Disclosing Unfortunate Information

Continue reading »

Savage Love Letter of the Day: Safe Play During Moresomes with Strangers

DAN.jpg

I'm a queer girl living in Vancouver with my male partner. This weekend we found ourselves in an after-hours club, made some friends and ended up at a house with two other guys and a girl. Things were getting pretty playful with everyone except for one of the guys. We all wanted him gone to get the show on the road but he wouldn't take the hint. He had bought all the booze for this after party so we were a little unsure of the etiquette of asking him to leave. Neither I or the other girl was interested. I made it clear that penetration was off the menu for me because I had an IUD inserted the day before and had just started my period. Everyone respected this except this one guy. He asked if I would do anal and I refused. He then shoved his fingers in my ass and I stopped him. Things continued. I positioned myself away from him but he somehow got behind me again and put his bare dick inside—though barely. The host pulled him off of me. For a reason none of us can understand, we didn't kick him out. We were admittedly all a bit fucked up from partying. I had a stern talk with him about respecting consent but when I felt his dick enter me from behind for the second time I got really upset. My boyfriend threatened him and the guy punched him a couple times and broke my sweetheart's nose. The host had been getting drinks and ran back in. He threw the guy out with no pants, so he had a well-deserved walk of shame. We don't know the guy's last name so we can't charge him.

Obviously, all of this is shitty. My question though is this. We enjoy threesomes/moresomes/swingers clubs, etc., as a couple, but this isn't the first time a fun night was ruined by a persistent dick monster who wouldn't listen, albeit never to this extent. Do you have any suggestions for creating a strategy to deal with pricks like these? Sober and not horny me has all the answers, but when I'm feeling violated and vulnerable, and distracted by whatever dick/pussy that's in my face, I'm not quite the loud-mouthed feminist bitch I usually am. We all agree he should've been kicked out before the offenses added up. Maybe he should've been kicked out when we all agreed we weren't so comfortable with him playing around with us. What's the etiquette of telling someone they can't join in? If things turned out differently, I'd feel a hell of a lot less shitty for trying not to make him feel insecure and excluded. I'm done dancing around assholes' feelings now.

Queer Unicorn Exhausted Entertaining Numbskulls

Continue reading »

Savage Love Letter of the Day: Horny Feminist Seeks Porn That Won't Destroy Her Faith in Humanity

DAN.jpg

I'm a 26-years-old Italian girl and I've always refused to watch porn because even as a teenager I felt it was primarily geared towards men and mostly unfair to women. I didn't even know what feminism was back then, but I found porn mildly disturbing and couldn't get off watching a woman being fucked in every orifice by oversized men with oversized dicks. Now that I've matured into a full-blown feminist I understood porn doesn't have to be bad if everyone involved has given their consent and is ok with doing what they're doing. I still have a feeling, though, that the porn industry is dangerous for women and a lot of the content that can be found online isn't really consensual and ethical.

I've recently moved to Sweden and started dating a Swedish guy. The sex is great and we have very open and anxiety-free conversations about our sexual preferences and stuff we might like to experiment with together. We were talking about porn, and I told him I would like to try watching some. However, I know I won't enjoy it unless I'm 110% sure that nobody was harmed or pressured into things they didn't really want to do. He agrees with me that it's a fucked-up industry unless one only watches celebrity pornstars, so I decided to turn to you for advice: where do we find feminist porn? And since I'm at it, and I'm a complete beginner, how do I find ethical straight porn which is meant for women? I mean something with a bit of a storyline and some erotic depth, not just sexy housewives, plumbers and PIV.

I know I could've googled this myself, but I really wouldn't know where to look and I don't want to end up seeing stuff that would deliver the death blow to the aforementioned already wavering faith in humanity. I figured you're kind of an expert and could point me in the right direction from the start.

I hope you will find the time to reply, although you probably receive hundreds of emails every day, and I'm looking forward to watching some good-quality, respectful porn with my man :)

Previously Orrified, Recently Not Overcritical

Continue reading »

Savage Love Letter of the Day: This Land Was Made for You & Me (to Have Sex in Public)

1476747673-savage-letter-of-the-day-stamp-2017.jpg

Two related questions.

1. Are both the first of May and May 8th days that recognize the fun that is outdoor sex?

2. Assuming the answer is either yes or no... how does one have outdoors sex in Seattle and not get caught?

I'm all about sex outside, but not so all about getting caught by police. Or spotted by random 15-year-olds (my sexy lover and I teach high school Spanish) or, well, anyone really. Last year on the first, we found a shady tree and celebrated the holiday, but also got eaten alive by mosquitos. So we went back on the 8th, and I brought mosquito repellent, which stinks and is not sexy, and there were beer cans under our tree in Discovery Park and people—people not having sex—were walking around everywhere. We went and got cheeseburgers instead.

Dan! If anyone understands how exceptionally underwhelming a cheeseburger is (even a good one) compared to hot outside tree sex with a Spanish lover is, it's you. Where can I safely, privately get my groove on in the great outdoors?

Desperately Examining Erotic Trees

Continue reading »

Gorsuch Confirmed


NYT:

Judge Neil M. Gorsuch was confirmed by the Senate on Friday to become the 113th justice of the Supreme Court, capping a political brawl that lasted for more than a year and tested constitutional norms inside the Capitol’s fraying upper chamber. The development was a signal triumph for President Trump, whose campaign last year rested in large part on his pledge to appoint another committed conservative to succeed Justice Antonin Scalia, who died in February 2016. However rocky the first months of his administration may have been, Mr. Trump now has a lasting legacy: Judge Gorsuch, 49, could serve on the court for 30 years or more.

If contemplating thirty years of Gorsuch opinions isn't torture enough... if looking at Mike Pence's smug fucking face isn't torture enough... if you really want to torture yourself... go read or reread this piece by Jeffrey Toobin in New Yorker from last October.

Continue reading »