Savage Love Letter of the Day: Guys Keep Putting Him In "The Bottom Zone"


I’m a 24 year-old gay man, and I’ve had a problem for most of my life: I always find myself being cast as the role of a bottom in hookups and relationships. When I was going through puberty, and really since then, my sexual fantasies tend to be very much oriented toward topping. But when it comes to the actual act, I find myself more often than not bottoming. It has been especially true and frustrating in relationships.

With one past boyfriend, there was a legitimate reason where he had something along the lines of IBS, and it was always painful for him every time we tried. Other than that, it seems that most guys I get with desire me primarily as a bottom, even versatile guys. I am an attractive guy and don’t have trouble finding sex when I want it. And I’m not interested in guys who only bottom, because I am versatile and enjoy and want both sexual experiences.

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Savage Love: The Trump Talk


Waiting to pay for my groceries at the market this evening, this guy, stinking of booze, says to my 9-year-old daughter, "Sweetheart, can you put the divider thing there for me?" I move closer to my daughter; he then reaches his hand over me and wraps his hand around her arm, saying, "Now, you be nice to your Mommy, sweetie." I pluck his hand off. "Do not touch my child," I say. My other hand is pressed against my daughter's ribs, and I can feel her heart POUNDING. "You have a beautiful daughter," he says. The cashier, whom we know, a guy, looks at me, eyebrows up. I roll my eyes. So pissed. We leave. "I hated that man," my daughter says once we get in the car. "He smelled bad, I wanted to hit him, if anyone ever does that to me again I'm going to scream." Here we effing go: "Sometimes you have to be hypervigilant," I tell my daughter, "because some gross men out there feel they are entitled to touch us." And then I share my story: "When I was a little girl..." I don't even remember the first time it happened to me. I don't remember the last time some pervert rubbed up against me. But that's what you have to deal with when you are a girl. We have to learn to brush this shit off, to make sure that this endless assault course of predators doesn't take one bit of your pride, your confidence, or your sense of peace as you walk through this world. I am so angry.

We should call this the "Trump Talk." The depressing conversation that every parent needs to have with their little girl about revolting, predatory, entitled men. The Trump Talk.

Mother And Daughter Discuss Enraging Realities

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Trump Promises To Accept Results of Election...

...but the ranting fascist has one condition:


Yet later in his speech, after recycling unfounded accusations that the presidential race will be rigged as a result of mass voter fraud, Trump said he would “of course” accept “a clear election result.” His hesitation to say so at the final presidential debate, he said, was intended to leave open the possibility of a legal challenge if something goes awry. “I would also reserve my right to contest or file a legal challenge in the case of a questionable result,” Trump said. “And always I will follow and abide by all the rules and traditions of all of the many candidates who have come before me, always. Bottom line, we're going to win.”

Stephen Colbert did his show live last night so he could comment on the debate...

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Savage Love Letter of the Day: Post-Marital Counseling


I committed to my partner—agreed to plan our lives and goals around the concept of being together indefinitely—and married them (for tax benefits and hospital visitation rights) within the last two years. We don't define this commitment as most do, i.e. we are not religious, we don't want to make babies, we don't think being together forever and ever is that important. Over the last year I have asked my partner if we can write down what our commitment means to us, i.e. what our expectations are, what our goals for our relationship are, etc. He is adamant in refusing, saying that everything is open for discussion and we should figure it out as we go. Basically he does not want rules and contracts. Also: I was honest about my preference for open relationships from the beginning but agreed at the start of our marriage to be monogamous. I did knowing he was OK with being open before we married and that he is supposedly open to negotiation on anything. But when I broached the topic recently he became upset and said I had agreed to a "monogamous marriage."

I have been impressed with the way you look at the constant negotiation of marriage and commitment. Can you please offer some advice on how these negotiations go? Written down or mediated? Why are people so terrible about making assumptions about what commitment means?

Commitment Is Difficult

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What If Donald Trump Were Gay?

Two failed marriages, five children by three different women, multiple bankruptcies, scams (Trump University), ripping people off (contractors and suppliers), bragging about the size of his dick during a nationally televised debate. As others have already asked: What would they be saying if Donald Trump was a black man? Would Republican pundits, elected officials, operatives, and voters be calling him "presidential"? Or would they be calling him something else?

Way back in February—back when we were still telling ourselves that Trump couldn't win the nomination—Frank Bruni wondered about how Trump would be playing if he were a woman:

Imagine, for a moment, the presidential candidacy of a rich, brash real estate magnate and reality TV star named Donna Trump. Quizzically coifed and stubbornly sun-kissed, she’s on her third marriage. There’s clear evidence that infidelity factored into the demise of the first, and among her children is one conceived when The Donna wasn’t married to the other parent. Her sexual appetites have been prodigious, at least according to her frequent claims and vulgar cant. And she has a tendency—disturbing on its own, even more so in someone who aspires to civic leadership—to talk about men as sirloins and rump roasts of disparate succulence. She denigrates those who displease her on cosmetic grounds: So-and-so used to be a 9 but, with that male-pattern baldness and desperate comb-over, is down to a 6. So-and-so thinks he’s covering up that paunch with baggy suits, but we all know better. How well do you think The Donna would do in the polls? How far into the race would she survive?

Not well, Frank, and about ten minutes tops.

Okay, now let's imagine for a moment—a stomach-churning moment—that Donald Trump is a gay man.

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Germ Warfare: That Time Dan Savage Gave Gary Bauer the Flu Bug at the 2000 Iowa Caucuses

Illustrations by Hank Trotter

Originally published in The Stranger on January 7, 2000

Bauer 2000 Headquarters is a $12 cab ride from downtown Des Moines — or was a $12 cab ride from downtown Des Moines. By the time you read this, Gary Bauer's campaign headquarters in Iowa will probably be deserted, its computers, staffers, and fax machines broken up and redistributed among more viable Republican candidates, like, oh, Alan Keyes. But when I arrive three days before the Iowa Caucuses, the offices of former Reagan domestic policy adviser and future presidential-election footnote Gary Bauer are humming. I'm the only new volunteer to walk through the door in quite some time, apparently, so campaign staffers don't quite know what to do with me. Only after 10 or 15 minutes of asking around does Andy, a young Bauer staffer, direct me to the phones.

The headquarters are a mess, with paper strewn all over the floor, posters and flyers falling off tables, and empty cans of diet soft drinks on every surface. Andy, looking every inch the capable campaigner in blue suspenders and a tie, shows me a cubicle, hands me a list of phone numbers, and gives me a script. I'm supposed to call everyone on the list, and ask if they're going to their caucus on Monday night. If they are, I'm supposed to ask them if they're going to support Gary Bauer. If they're not supporting Gary, I'm supposed to talk them into supporting Gary.

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Savage Love Letter of the Day: The Cheaters Club


I’m a 29-year-old male with no idea what to do about my “relationship."

In November 2015 I had a serious accident: a ladder slipped from under me and I fell about 28 feet, crushed my wrist badly and shattered my knee in six pieces. During my time in hospital a friend of almost three years looked after me, visiting me every day and just being the best friend she could be. After I was released from hospital we started a relationship and everything was going great until I had a mental setback with the trauma from the accident. (Post traumatic issues, call it whatever.) So we sat down, discussed my issues, and I my plan to see a psychologist to get my head back in the game. I needed time to think and work through everything, in and outside of the relationship, and she assured me she would be supportive and that she would always be there for me and that we would do this together.

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HUMP! 2016 Film Lineup Announced!

The HUMP! Jury was blown away by the number and the quality of films submitted for HUMP! this year. Deciding which films were going to make it into the festival was difficult for the best possible reason: We had so many great films to choose from. And while most of the films came from Seattle and Portland, we also got submissions this year from in from New York, Colorado, Illinois, Germany, Kansas, Connecticut, Australia, New Jersey, New Mexico, and the United Kingdom. So we're going to have to stop calling HUMP! the "Pacific Northwest's Biggest, Best, and Only Porn Festival." HUMP! is now a globe-straddling/globe-humping/globe-spooging colossus.

For a taste of what you'll see at this year's festival, you'll want to check out the trailer above. To find a list of this year's films along with brief/enigmatic synopses, you'll want to go to the jump. To see this year's HUMP! Festival at a screening in Seattle or Portland and vote for the best films (and award $15,000 in prize money to the filmmakers), you'll want to get your tickets now! Some screenings are already selling out and we always see a big jump in ticket sales once the trailer is released. So don't wait! Get your tickets now!

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Savage Love Letter of the Day: Her Girlfriend Won't Fuck Her


I'm a 30-year-old lesbian. I live abroad in the European country my girlfriend of two years is from. She is seven years my junior. We met in the states while she was on an exchange program. We fell madly for each other. She was adamant I was "it" for her—sexually and otherwise. I was in contact with my ex at the start which was a huge point of contention. She believed that being in any type of contact with exes was horrible. (FORESHADOWING.) I then ended all of that contact and committed fully to her. The other thing she believed in strongly was "no cheating." Most people feel the same way, but she said the only thing that could break us up was if I cheated. Cheating was something she would "never, ever" do. (FORESHADOWING.) I cheated in a previous relationship. It is the worst feeling and I could never do that again. I told her as much.

Her year in the states ended. She went back home.... where she started to talk to two of her exes wound up cheating on me. The betrayal, pain, and hypocrisy were so acrid. I lost all my confidence sexually after that. I stopped feeling attractive. But I decided to work toward forgiveness. I moved my life to her. Without speaking the language I managed to find a great job and I got my own place. We worked on repairing things. There are a lot of side stories but I think I have digressed enough for one letter. We're still together, we're happy, and she tells me she will never be attracted to anyone else. But the sex has almost fallen completely away.

I have a high libido. I always have. I need to have sex. Once a week at a minimum.

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Read Excerpts from Some of the Most Memorable Savage Love Columns


"What The Hell Is Frottage Anyway?," September 27, 1993

Hey, Faggot:

What the hell is frottage and where can I get some? If you don't answer my question, I'll stay awake nights watching info-mercials.

Stupid In Seattle

Hey, Stupid in Seattle:

There's no such thing as "frottage." It's a word I made up. I wanted to see how many letters I would get asking me what "frottage" was after I introduced it in my column. Originally, I was going to make up a definition—something like "Frottage is the act of making charcoal rubbings of your lover's genitals"—but my conscience got the best of me and I'm coming clean; there's no such thing as "frottage."

[Ed. Note: Dan has often been known to lie to stupid people in his column.]

"Dan Landers," March 16, 1992

Ann Landers writes an advice column that appears in daily papers across the country. Since I know my readers are way too hip to waste their advice-seeking time on ol' Ann, you might have missed her column last Sunday:

"Many straight people believe homosexuality is a curse and that gays are mis­erable. Some homosexuals may agree with them. I, however, have heard from gays who consider homosexuality a 'special bonus.' So let's settle that question once and for all. I'd like to ask the gay community how it feels about this."

"To every homosexual who is reading this: Please send a card to Ann Landers, P.O. Box 11562, Chicago, IL 60611-0562 and write either 'Yes, I'm glad I'm gay,' or 'No, I would rather be straight.' I will announce the results in a few weeks."

Ann is a fellow advice monger, and out of professional courtesy, I've decided to help her out. Clip the coupon at the bottom of this week's column. If you're queer, check the "I'm glad I'm queer. I wouldn't be straight if you paid me" box. If you're not queer, poor thing, check the "I'm not queer, but I wish I were" box. Then put the coupon in an envelope and send it off to Ann. Do it right now.

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Read the Very First Savage Love

Originally published on September 23, 1991

Savage Love is an advice column written by a queer nationalist. The primary reason one seeks the advice given in a newspaper column is to receive the opinion of a disinterested third party. The Stranger is proud to offer the chance to communicate with someone who is a third party to heterosexual relations as a whole, and to provide the homosexual community with a chance to openly reach one of their own. Mr. Savage asks advice seekers to use the salutation, “Hey, Faggot:” a term he has claimed as his own in strength and pride.

Hey, Faggot:

I’ve been courting this guy and sex is imminent, but not love. My eye is on another with whom I feel a good relationship could blossom; but this will take time. I am intensely horny. Is it fair to sleep with guy number one when I know my heart will land elsewhere? I don’t want to hurt him, but I need sex!

Conscience ridden in Wallingford

Hey, Conscience:

If you can’t be with the one you love, honey, love the one you’re with. If you don’t want to hurt number one, be honest with him about your intentions. He probably won’t mind getting laid, but don’t let him think that it could become more than that. If you are up front and honest with him, he won’t get hurt. It will be his own fault if he does.

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John Oliver Shreds Third Party Candidates Gary Johnson, Jill Stein, and Joe Exotic

Speaking of third party candidates...

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Savage Love Letter of the Day: Cockyboys, Shymoms, Armpits


I’m a 20-year-old trans man in college. I’ve been fascinated by sex for years, probably mostly because of the fact that my parents never talked to me about it and my school sex ed was absolute bullshit. It’s not that I’ve had a lot of different kinds of sex (unfortunately), but I joked and talked about sex for years and now I can realize that my fascination probably spawns from my lack of information growing up and I can more think about it in a very analytical type of way.

I’ve also been watching porn since I was sixteen and that’s also something I never talked about my parents with. But about a year ago I found the company CockyBoys and I essentially fell in love with everything about them: the production, the models, the people who run the company, etc. I bought one of their films last January and fell even more deeply in love with them because of how spectacular the film was from an artistic standpoint. Now, because I generally enjoy talking to my parents (especially my mother) about things that are important to me, I did mention the company to them a couple of times without getting into explicit detail and last winter, my mother glibly suggested that I become a writer for the company. Which I immediately became set on doing and still want to do.

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Savage Love: Senior Moments


I'm 64 years young, a musician, chubby, full head of hair, no Viagra needed, no alcohol, I don't mind if you drink, smoker, yes I am. I am also faithful, loyal, and single for five years. No health issues, nada, zero, zilch. Not gay, not prejudiced against gays, pro-woman, Democrat, MASCULINE. Except I only like the younger women and women without tattoos. And I like them FEMININE. Ladies my age are a shopping bag of issues with children and ex-hubbies. NO THANK YOU. So what's my problem? Young women see me as an old gizzard. I am not ugly, and I look younger than 64. But I see what younger women go for. These girls are missing out on me because they would rather be abused, cheated on, and kicked around by some young prince. Be my guest, dear! Another problem is that I don't go to bars or really go out at all, so how the hell am I going to meet a girl? But I long for a girl I can cherish. I'm even willing to marry the right girl if she wishes, no problema. Who cares about age? I sure don't, but they sure do. Of course, I will die first; she can keep the car and everything else for that matter. I can't take it with me. So I have about 24 more years of life and I don't want to wait. Dreaming is free, of course, but I want it right here, right now. Am I asking for too much?

Oblivious Ladies Disregard Elder Romeo

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Donald Trump Clarifies: He Only Sexually Assaults Hot Women


Donald Trump on Thursday attacked a former People Magazine reporter who alleged Trump forcibly kissed her while she was reporting at his Mar-a-Lago estate in 2005, implying that he could not have forced himself on her because he was not attracted to her.... "Take a look. You take a look. Look at her. And look at her words," Trump said. "And you tell me what you think. I don't think so. I don't think so."

We shouldn't believe the former reporter for People because look at her... so we should believe these teenage beauty queens and the former Miss Utah and the former Miss Washington and the first Mrs. Trump because look at them, right?