Savage Love Letter of the Day: Reader Advice Round-up


Recent Savage Love Letters of the Day: How can he make himself feel less broken? Will he win over the love of his life? Also: last week's column and Savage Lovecast.

In regards to ONE:

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Savage Love Letter of the Day: Always the Rando, Never the Boyfriend


I am a 27-year-old gay male living in Seattle. I have been in the hookup scene basically since I was 18 years old. At that time I was hooking up with multiple partners never using a condom. In the year 2016 I decided to keep track of the number of different sexual partners I had, that number at the end of 2016 was 172 different sexual partners only using a condom once or twice. I contacted Gonorrhea and Chlamydia during that time. I used various sources to hook up, Grindr, Scruff, and BBRTS, BBRTS is a website that is for gay men that like BB sex. This year I decided not to keep track and found another website called Sniffies that is also for more of the public scene, however most men on there don’t use condoms.

I am HIV- and been on Prep since March 2016 and I got in every three months to make sure that my kidney and liver functions are all okay and since I am there I get tested for everything else. I just recently tested positive for Chlamydia and gonorrhea again and I find myself sick to my stomach with it all. I take full responsibility for my actions but I just don’t know why I am constantly having multiple partners, and using my extra time all on these hookup apps. I feel like I am broken, I want a bf—never had one and never even been close, the only thing I am apparently good at is hooking up.

Please tell me what I should do or what I can do to make myself feel less broken? Is there something wrong with me? I would love some advice on this. Please.

Sick Of Losing Out

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Tickets On Sale NOW for The 13th Annual HUMP! Film Festival!


If you're wondering why there hasn't been a "Savage Love Letter of the Day" this week—or if you've seen me stumbling around Capitol Hill in a daze—it's because the HUMP! Jury met all day on Monday and Tuesday, watched and re-watched every one of this year's HUMP! submissions, and then locked ourselves in a conference room without food or water until we could finalize the list of films that will be featured at the 13th Annual HUMP! Film Festival.

It wasn't an easy task—there were so many great films to choose from this year! But the list has been finalized, the filmmakers have been notified (a big "hey, congrats!" to those whose films made it in, a sincere "maybe next year!" to those whose films didn't make it in), and the tickets to festival screenings in Seattle and Portland are on sale now! You can get your tickets by going to...


All the dirty details...

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Savage Love


I am a 35-year-old straight guy. I met a nice lady through the normal methods, and we hit it off and have grown closer. I think we are both considering "taking it to the next level." We are on the same intellectual wavelength, enjoy the same social experiences, and have a lot of fun together. So what could be the problem? My friend decided it was the time to inform me that she is transgender, pre-op, and will not be having gender-reassignment surgery. This was quite a shock to me. I'm not homophobic, though I've never had a gay experience. I'm open-minded, yet there is a mental block. I like this person, I like our relationship thus far, and I want to continue this relationship. But I'm in a state of confusion.

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Jimmy Kimmel vs. Graham-Cassidy, Lying Liars, and the "Death to America" Crowd (That Would Be Today's GOP. And Yesterday's GOP. And Tomorrow's GOP.)

First: this sure feels like some sort of cultural tipping point. A comedian opening his show stumping for universal health care, shaming the US for failing to do what so many other countries have figured out how to do (provide health care for all of its citizens), and refusing to let a politician get away with lying to him and the country. And there are very few jokes—Kimmel knows the public cares enough about this issue to listen to him go on for six and half nearly joke-free minutes. Watch the whole thing—even if Kimmel isn't your preferred late-night host, you'll be cheering by the end.

Second: Jimmy Kimmel 2020! (And do what Jimmy says: call your US Senators and tell them to vote NO on Graham-Cassidy. That number again: 202-224-3121.)

Religious Moron: Gay Sex Unnatural Because Kids Find It Icky

The Friendly Atheist brings this idiot and his idiocy to our attention...

Conservative activist E.W. Jackson recently interviewed WorldNetDaily’s David Kupelian and both men agreed that homosexuality was unnatural because kids found it icky. “We now have 4-year-old kids in preschool where we have lesbian and transgender teachers,” Kupelian said. “They go in and they show two women kissing, two men kissing; there is a natural ick factor where children who have not been corrupted say, ‘Ick, that’s gross.’ I’m sorry, it is gross and the grossness is something that God has put in their mind. People may not like to hear this but it actually is gross and it’s a natural reaction of little innocent kids.” Jackson agreed, saying,”Let’s face it, you put before a group of 4, 5, 6, 7-year-olds two men kissing and of course they’re going to say, ‘Eww, eww, that’s gross.'"

Do you know what else kids find icky? Straight sex. Explain where babies come from to a group of innocent kids—or a group of guilty ones—and the typical reaction isn't, "My goodness, doesn't that sound lovely? I'm look forward to experiencing sweet, sweet heterosexual intercourse after marrying an opposite-sex partner who, like me, will be a virgin on our wedding day." Small children, even ones who grow up to be straight, think sex—gay, straight, and everything in between—is completely gross and utterly disgusting.

And if we're going to start declaring things unnatural because kids find it icky, if this is the standard, we're gonna have to get broccoli out of the supermarket.

Savage Love Letter of the Day: Love Isn't a One-Hit Wonder


I'm inching up on 49 years old with a girlfriend 20 years younger than me. I was married to another woman for 10 years before we split/divorced (amicably after a little time. She is non-negotiable family for me now. Loved dearly. Totally non-sexual.) Before my ex-wife and shortly after we split, I had an intense relationship with another woman. Let's call her Nina. We were together for two years and separated for two years when I met my ex-wife. The main issue, really the only issue, between me and "Nina" was her fear of commitment. After two years together she couldn't commit. After two years apart, she resurfaced on 9/11, looking for comfort in a dark time. We got together a few times then she disappeared. At the same time I was building a new relationship with the now ex-wife. As my marriage was crumbling for unrelated reasons, I coincidentally reconnected with Nina. She was partnered at the time, essentially married, but the spark was still there between us and we engaged in an affair I'm not proud of for a year before I broke it off when she made clear her intention to marry her partner.

As you can imagine, there are all kinds of details in between that I need not go into. And I had all kinds of personal growth and other relationships after my separation from my ex wife. I maintain an occasional communication with Nina. Though about two years ago she came clean to her wife and promised to cease communication with me.

All of this said, I struggle with the concept of the "love of your life." I feel that Nina is that for me. I get that we will never be together again in the real world and I'm not at all certain that it would be a happy ending if we could. BUT... when I think about life on the whole, she is the one I think of as the "love of my life." So when my current GF asks and says I'm the love of HER life, I just don't know what to say.

Am I a jerk if I tell her what she wants to hear, even if it's not really true? Lying has never been my style. (The affair was a short-term lapse I did not enjoy.) But also, I can't see the good in telling every potential partner that the "Iove of my life" position has been filled and might not change. Or it might. I don't think so, but maybe it could. What are your thoughts?

Only Nina Ever

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Savage Love Letter of the Day: Reader Advice Round-up


Recent Savage Love Letters of the Day: Is her sissy boy actually gay? How do you ask someone out? What should she do about her ex's very bad baby mama? What's the big deal about big dicks? Also: last week's column and Savage Lovecast.

On possibly kinky kids:

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Good Christian Boys: Jesus Worse Than Hitler

Once again: collective punishment is a war crime—we literally hanged Nazis after WW2 for doing what these nice Christian boys are accusing Jesus of doing.

Religious Right culture warriors David and Jason Benham published a video Monday in which they claimed “God is speaking” through hurricanes to send a message that America should repent for “breaching the boundaries of God” in regard to gender identity, gay marriage and homosexuality in general. The Benham brothers posted a Facebook video on the anniversary of 9/11, warning that God had been using recent hurricanes to urge America to repent against its advancement of LGBTQ rights.

Like I said about another rightwing religious "leader" when I sat in for Mike Pesca on The Gist...

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Savage Love Letter of the Day: Her Ex's Very Bad Baby Mama & Ted Cruz's Very Bad Day


My husband and I met two years ago. We both came from long term abusive relationships with children involved that were not biologically ours. After four months we were engaged and we've been married for five months. I love my husband, he is a kind, giving, caring man who always goes out of his way to thank me and let me know I am loved and appreciated and I try daily to do the same.

The problem is his ex: she dangles her child—who he raised and loved—in front of him but once he makes it clear his only interest is a relationship with his daughter, she explodes. It's a cycle. Every three to four months he gets a message from her about how his daughter misses him. He tries to connect and be civil, then BM (Baby Mama) starts calling and texting and even trying to video chat with him 3 am. Nothing about her daughter just, "I miss you... I love you... tell me you're unhappy with your new wife." Every time this happens he plays nice for a day or so. He wants to avoid the inevitable explosion and hopes against hope for a phone call—anything to talk with his little girl. Eventually she becomes aggressive and blatantly disrespectful to me and our marriage (she's sent nudes). Once we offered to buy his daughter all new clothes and school supplies just so he could talk to her on her birthday. We were told nothing about his daughter—but BM wanted a laptop. We declined to send cash or buy her a laptop. We were told to go fuck ourselves.

How can we stop this cycle? It breaks my heart to watch him try over and over to be a co-parent and get cut out. Not to mention this poor little girl is being used. Help.

Baby's Uncontrollable Momma

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Savage Love: Girls and Women and Sex


My teenage daughter just came out to us as gay. We told her we love her and support her. As a heterosexual, cisgender mother, how do I make sure she gets good advice about sex? I don't want her learning from other kids or porn. Do you know of any good, sex-positive advice books for lesbian teens?

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Savage Love Letter of the Day: A Three Word Answer


Recently, I moved from a small town to a big city in the Pacific Northwest. There's a bar by my house and I met the female bartender about a month ago, coming with a friend. Turns out that many LGBT crowd tend to frequent the bar, some of whom became my friends, and I happen to be one of a few straight males to go there. There are many couples but not many single straight males. (Just got divorced btw.) I liked this woman from first sight. Two weeks ago I said something disrespectful and when I came to apologize two days later, she was very friendly, telling me about herself, asking me about my family, flirting, jokingly touching, hitting me with the paper towel roll, and even giving me her phone number. When I told her that I have a family in Israel, she was joking about me taking her there.

I feel that I have an excellent rapport with my neighborhood bartender. But it's hard for me to tell whether all these signs point to her desire to take the relationship to a higher level, or merely her attempt to be friendly and regard me as a good friend instead of just a customer. I'm conflicted about whether to ask her out, preferably with our mutual male gay friends so that she wouldn't feel pressured on a "date" or should just wait and let her take the lead (or time do its course)?

I have to note that she does rub my back, smiles a lot, and flatters me about my smartness, knowledge of music, my Karaoke singing, and other things. What do I do, Dan?

Amorous In Portland

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Savage Love Letter of the Day: Is Her Sissy Boy Actually Gay?


I'm a 26-year-old woman who identifies as a switch. A few months ago, I met a really cool dude on Match. He's 34, tattooed, always wears black, drinks beer, smokes, and is an all around guy's guy. After a couple dates I come to find out that he's also kinky! He loves being a sissy, wearing soft pink panties, and has a trove of pink outfits, pink make up, pink props, and loves being humiliated. This threw me for loop but it was fun to also "come out" as kinky. I became his Mistress, I collared him and we've had some amazing scenes. Although he is older, I am the more experienced one when it comes to kink relationships. We're both switches, so we oscillate from vanilla, to sissy domination, to other kink. It's fun to go out in public with such a masculine man, to only have him become my sissy in private.

What is starting to give me pause is that his requests regarding humiliation during our scenes have started to center around calling him gay and "forcing" him to do gay things. This has ranged from watching sissy hypno and gay porn to writing a fictional "coming out as gay" letter to his friends and family. Don't get me wrong, the power exchange is hot and intense. However, as a sissy he'll say he dreams about cock, that he wants to suck a guy off, he begs Mistress to train him to take cock. As a guy, he's made some upsettingly homophobic comments that I've called him out on. Recently, when we're not in a scene he'll quietly say, "I'm gay... just kidding!" These frequent small comments, leave me feeling like it's not a joke and that he actually might be closeted AF. It also makes me uneasy because it makes me feel like it blurs the line of when a scene begins and ends.

My question is, is this more than just role play and wanting to be humiliated? If not, how do I get him to explore the possibility that he really might be gay (or bi)? I love your campsite rule and live by it, so is this on me to help him unpack?

Person Into Nuanced Kink

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Savage Love Letter of the Day: What's the Big Deal About Big Dicks?


Long time listener. Being a post doc scientist working with evolutionary genomics, I found the discussion of penis size in this week's episode disappointing.

First, and most important: even if a lot of women like smaller penises, if the average tendency is to like bigger penises, then those will be selected for. Natural selection is very effective over a large number of years and would respond to even, say, 51% of women preferring larger penises and 49% of women preferring smaller. Assuming there are no associated costs associated with larger penises, crucially. But there are indeed evolutionary costs associated with larger penises. Heat loss, more blood required to get and maintain erections, penises can be too large for intercourse with many women, etc. So it's a question of weighing the evolutionary costs and the benefits. Which in our ancestral societies ended up with a compromise of the current average, give or take a little depending on the population.

It can be viewed as the same question as "if women mostly prefer taller guys, why aren't guys taller?" To which the answer is that (1) they already are quite tall, and a lot taller than women on average. (2) There are evolutionary costs associated with being taller.

Actually humans do have remarkably large penises compared to the other apes.

Some minor points:

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Savage Love Letter of the Day: Reader Advice Round-up


Recent Savage Love Letters of the Day: Is it an open relationship or is it blackmail? Should they tell their third they're cousins? Should he stay in his marriage or go on (and on and on)?

Also: last week's column and Savage Lovecast.

On cousinfucking:

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