Savage Love Letter of the Day: Start Leveling (With Her Boyfriend) or Keep Lying (To Him, With Other Men)?

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Longtime listener, first-time writer. I'm a 31-year-old queer female writing to you from
New Zealand because I want to stop being an asshole. When it comes to sex, I’m addicted to the thrill of the chase but I struggle to maintain a lasting relationship beyond that. I’ve been with my current partner for three years but it’s been an up and down kind of a ride due to various reasons and I've also slept with 14 other people in that time without his knowledge. I’ve never had a relationship where I haven’t cheated and I’ve never dated someone who can keep up with my libido. The thing is that when I do get laid, I don’t want it to last long because it’s really only the thrill of the chase that I’m into.

My current situation suits me fine. I have a pretty good relationship and when I’m feeling like I need the thrill of the chase I’ll go have a one night stand with someone and that keeps me satisfied for a while. It suits me that his happens without my partner’s knowledge and consent because it keeps things nice and simple. I know it’s not fair that he doesn’t know. It would be ideal if he was into cuckolding but I’ve raised this idea with him in the past and he’s not keen. I’ve also raised the idea of being more open/swinging and he seemed to like the idea of that, but I do wonder if any of these things are going to damage his self-esteem. He knows that I have a higher libido than him and that I’ll happily fuck him whenever he’s keen, but if I tell him that I want to fuck other guys too won’t that make him feel inadequate? He’s not super confident and that actually causes a little bit of a problem for us in the bedroom room because he can’t make eye contact during sex and so I don’t feel connected to him. I worry if I come clean about my sexual desires and how I have/would like to keep servicing my needs, it’s going to eat away at him. He’s the sort of guy that might agree to something but wouldn’t communicate his pain until it hit boiling point. So it would be easier if I kept it all secret. But that’s not morally sound.

I know that an answer to this might be “break up with your partner and find someone who’s into cuckolding” but that won’t be easy in a county with a small population and relatively conservative attitudes towards sex. So my questions are:

1. How do you ask your partner to let you fuck someone else without it damaging their self esteem?

2. Is there a name for someone who’s addicted to the thrill of the chase?

Could Unveiling Cuck Kink Entirely Distress Her Insecure Man?

P.S. If we were to open things up I think I’d be OK with my partner fucking other people too.

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SL Letter of the Day: Drop the Pickup Artist

Originally posted on July 30, 2014.

I am wondering when the best time is to mention being in an open relationship to new girls. I'm a 27-year-old straight guy who's been in an open relationship for six years. I often seek out extracurricular activities, but I am unsure of how to bring up my situation without doors closing. I wrote to a seduction blogger who often writes about open relationships, and his advice was to not mention it until I've had sex with the girl a few times and to not bring them to my apartment that I share with my girlfriend. This feels contrary to my nature, which is very straightforward, but is it perhaps the better method? Indeed, many of my "potentials" have been scared away when they learn of my relationship status. What are your thoughts on the matter?

Straightforward Honesty Offends Potentials

My response after the jump...

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Savage Love Letter of the Day: Reader Advice Round-up

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Recent Savage Love Letters of the Day: How can he make his boyfriend get off Grindr? What's stopping her from having sex? How can he help his friend who was assaulted by Harvey Weinstein? How do they tell their friend to stop bragging about her sexual exploits?

Also: last week's column and Savage Lovecast.

Some reader advice for DICKPICS:

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Savage Love Letter of the Day: Best Friends Has Game, Boyfriend, Endless Parade of Sexy Hookups

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I’m a 23-year-old non-binary queer, I’ve never really been in a relationship and this is a source of some emotional baggage on my end. This feeling has been exacerbated by recent events: I got briefly romantically entangled a few months ago with a close friend. It only lasted a week, and I got dumped right before my birthday. I’m not writing for advice about that—I severed all ties with the friend in question and got right back on the dating/hookup wagon—but it ties into the question I do have...

My best friend is in an open relationship and actively dating/having kinky sex with people other than her boyfriend. She tells me about a lot of these people in great detail. In theory, and sometimes in practice, I love hearing about my friend’s wild exploits; it can be funny to live vicariously through her escapades. Lately, though, I find myself feeling a little weird listening to all of my friend’s stories. She has a healthy relationship that is hitting the four year mark quite soon, she has amazing sex with hot dominants on a regular basis, and she still spent fifteen minutes complaining to me a few weeks ago that she had gotten locked out of Tinder.

Given how much sex she’s having, it’s difficult to muster genuine enthusiasm when she tells me about yet another kinky sex partner she met online. I don’t want her to feel like she can’t tell me things, or that I’m resentful of her romantic and sexual success, but I also don’t feel like I’m the best audience lately for some of her tales of debauchery.

How do I navigate this?

Feeling Adequately Gross

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Savage Love

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I'm a 25-year-old woman currently in a poly relationship with a married man roughly 20 years my senior. This has by far been the best relationship I've ever had. However, something has me a bit on edge. We went on a trip with friends to a brewery with a great restaurant. It was an amazing place, and I'm sure his wife would enjoy it. He mentioned the place to her, and her response was NO, she didn't want to go there because she didn't want to have "sloppy seconds." It made me feel dirty. Additionally, the way he brushed this off means this isn't the first time. I go out of my way to show him places I think they would like to go together. I don't know if my feelings are just hurt—if it's as childish as I think it is—or if it's a reminder of my very low place in their hierarchy. I hesitate to bring this up, because when I have needs or concerns, they label me as difficult or needy. Is this part of a bigger trend I'm missing? Should I do anything to address this or just continue to stay out of their business and go where I wish with my partner?

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Trump: "Disgusting" Press Gets To Write "Whatever It Wants"


This morning Trump tweeted that NBC's license to broadcast should be revoked because he doesn't like their reporting on FuckingMoronGazi. And now Donald Trump is attacking the existence of a free press. Trump wishes he could do what his pal Putin does (murder journalists) or what his pal Erdogan does (throw journalist in jail) but for now he can only tweet and run his mouth. Take it away, arch-conservative pundit Jennifer Rubin...

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ITMFA Donates Another $100,000 to ACLU, Planned Parenthood, and IRAP

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I'm thrilled to announce that ITMFA is sending a second round of checks to the American Civil Liberties Union, Planned Parenthood, and the International Refugee Assistance Project. This morning we sent off checks Planned Parenthood ($33,333.33), the ACLU ($33,333.33) and the International Refugee Assistance Project ($33,333.34)—money we raised selling ITMFA ("Impeach The Mother Fucker Already") buttons, t-shirts, tanks, hats, stickers, coffee cups, and lapel pins at www.ITMFA.org and www.impeachthemotherfuckeralready.com. We got to mail those checks out because tens of thousands Savage Love/Slog readers and Savage Lovecast listeners have ordered #ITMFA gear since we launched ITMFA back in January.

We were hoping to raise a little money to fight the Trump administration’s attack on civil liberties, immigrants, and women’s reproductive rights but we didn't expect to raise enough to donate $200,000—all the proceeds from sales—to these great orgs in such a short time. So a huge "thank you!" to everyone who bought ITMFA gear, wore it out, talked it up, posted pics to their social media accounts, and had some fun!

The best part/fun of wearing ITMFA buttons or t-shirts or hats or lapel pins or all of the above?

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Savage Love Letter of the Day: My Friend Was Assaulted by Harvey Weinstein

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A friend of mine, let's call her Rachel, is one of the women going on the record against Harvey Weinstein. She told me at the time about what happened, how what she thought was a business meeting turned into being coerced, bullied, and forced into doing something she did not want to do. At the time I tried to be as supportive as possible and be there for her. Looking back I feel guilty wondering if I could have done more to encourage her to report it even though at the time she did not want to bring charges. The situation was so emotionally overwhelming for her and it would have a been "he said, she said" case against one of the most powerful men in the world who sues people at the drop of a hat. After the story broke last week about him (allegations that so far pale in comparison to what he did to her) Rachel decided to not only come forward but to go on the record. I'm so proud of her for having the strength to tell her story and to take the extra risk of putting her name behind it. It's much bigger than what has been reported so far and I have a feeling things are going to get really stressful for her.

Rachel has great friends and family backing her up but hasn't talked to someone professional about this yet. At the time I think she was so traumatized she thought it seemed easier to block it out and try to move on. I encouraged her to talk to someone as I'm sure other people in her life have and now that she has the courage to confront all this it feels like the time to finally talk to someone professional as well. While she has insurance the cost of a therapist and how much that would cover is a concern she has expressed and I'm wondering if you have advice on places to turn to give her the best information and help as she deals with this situation.

Weinstein Assaulted Rachel

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National Rifle Addiction

Vox:

When the rest of the world looks at America’s gun problem, it’s often with bafflement. Sunday with Lubach, which is sort of like the Dutch version of Last Week Tonight with John Oliver, looked at guns — specifically, the US’s love of firearms. And it’s very telling.

The "thoughts and prayers" joke killed me. Via JoeMyGod.


The Morning News: Trump Challenges Tillerson to IQ Test, First Ladies Audition for Real Housewives, Death Declares Victory in War On Coal

Great, great IQ. Many people are saying its the best.
Great, great IQ. Many people are saying it's the best. Nate Gowdy

TRUMP VS. TILLERSON: The thought of a sitting President of the United States challenging his Secretary of State to an IQ test after reports that his Secretary of State called him a "fucking moron"—reports the Secretary of State pointedly refused to deny—would've been inconceivable before Donald Trump took office. The challenge was issued in a long, rambling, lie-packed interview that Trump granted to Forbes. The fallout from the Forbes interview will be keeping General Kelly and the rest of the staff at the adult daycare center busy all day.

MELANIA VS. IVANA: The thought of the First Lady of the United States feuding with the first ex-wife of the President of the United States would've been inconceivable before Donald Trump took office. Ivana Trump, "[who] once signed a sworn deposition alleging Donald had raped her," jokingly described herself as Trump's "first lady" in an interview to promote a new book. Trump's next ex-wife called his first ex-wife an "attention-seeking and self-serving" bimbo in a statement that would—if statements were mortal, reincarnation was real, and video clips were a life form—come back in its next life as a GIF of one RHODC throwing a glass of chardonnay in the face of another RHODC. Trump's second ex-wife could not be reached for comment lack of interest.

TRUMP VS. THE NFL: "Up early Tuesday morning, President Donald Trump fired off several tweets referring to his ongoing feud with NFL players protesting during the national anthem," Talking Points Memo reports this morning." Trump escalated his tiff with the football league by suggesting the government nix the NFL’s tax breaks." Progressives would love to see the end of public subsidies and sweetheart tax deals for the billionaires who own football teams (and baseball teams and basketball teams). If the movement Colin Kaepernick started achieves that progressive goal on top of shining a light on police killings of unarmed black men and forcing billionaire team owners to choose between the men who make them rich and the rich asshole in the White House making us all miserable... let's send Kaepernick to Congress.

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Savage Love Letter of the Day: What's Stopping Her from Having Sex?

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I’m a 26-year-old lesbian in a two-month-old relationship with a great girl, and I’m having the same problem I always have when I get past the first date with someone I like. I’m terrified of physical intimacy. I’ve never had sex or anything close to it, and this girl is only the third person I’ve kissed. I think of myself as a sexual person in private, but I’m afraid it’s too late for me to learn to be sexual with other people. This girl is sweet and smart and funny and she’s been so patient with me, but I know her patience will run out eventually, and I hate making her feel bad when I telegraph my discomfort with her attempts to be physically affectionate.

I was in therapy for three years and I’m no closer to figuring this out than I was three years ago. Please help me, Dan. I need to know what’s wrong with me and how to fix it before I mess up a really good thing.

Desperately Seeking Answers

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Savage Love Letter of the Day: He's Completely Honest With Me (Except For the Stuff He Lies To Me About)

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I’ve been with my boyfriend for five months now and I’ve never been happier in my life. I am 48, he is 34. We met online on two sites simultaneously. One a dating app, the other a hook up site. It was an instant attraction on both of our parts physically at first, then mentally and emotionally. We have a tremendous relationship and although it’s been only five months. it feels much longer and more significant since we see each other 4-5 times a week and he sleeps at my place 2-3 times a week. I can’t stay with him due to his roommate situation and the size of his place. I don’t mind. Nor does he.

We’ve been so open and honest with each other about everything. Sex. Careers. Life goals. Hopes. Plans. Family. Emotional issues. Everything is discussed and nothing is off the table. Ever. Except this one issue.

Two months ago I was watching a video on his phone that he gave me and an alert came in from the dating app we met on. I had deleted both of my profiles on both accounts the day after our first date. I was hooked from day one. We both discussed having an exclusive monogamous relationship after the first month. So when I saw that “like” my world came crumbling down. I confronted him two days later at dinner and he apologized saying he had not deleted the app yet and would do so. He says he has not met up with any other guys and has no intention. He is only seeing me. Ok. He was up front, he apologized, we were fine.

But, last week, I had a feeling of dread and uncertainty and I went back on the two apps and there he was again.

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Savage Love Letter of the Day: Reader Advice Round-up

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Recent Savage Love Letters of the Day: What should she do about her roommate's ex? Should these three people DTMFA? Is the primary or secondary partner to blame? And this woman has a very long story to tell.

Also: last week's column and Savage Lovecast.

From the Palace:

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13TH ANNUAL HUMP FILM LINEUP ANNOUNCED!

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We were blown away by the films submitted for HUMP! this year—which the HUMP! Jury very much enjoyed—so it wasn't easy for us to decide which films were going to make it into the festival. We watched the submissions, we argued, we drank, we watched all the submissions again, we sang happy birthday to HUMP's mean lesbian boss, and then we watched all the films one more time. It wasn't easy and we had to cut some films we loved—please submit again next year!—but now we habemus festum and we can't wait to share all these great porn shorts with audiences all over the country!

Check out the trailer...


13th Annual HUMP! Trailer from HUMP! Film Festival on Vimeo.

You'll find a list of the films you'll see at HUMP! 2017 below—along with brief/enigmatic synopses. Audiences in Seattle or Portland will vote for the best films and award $15,000 in prizes to the filmmakers. Some Seattle/Portland screenings are already selling out and we always see a big jump in ticket sales once the trailer is released—so don't wait! Order your tickets now! You can continue reading to learn about the films or you can trust us, order your tickets, and let the filmmakers surprise you! See you at HUMP!

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Savage Love Letter of the Day: Exiling a Roommate's Ex

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This is a relationship question. My roommate and I are both third-year graduate students at the same school (but different departments). We also went to the same school for undergrad and had some overlapping friends. At the end of undergrad, we found out we were both going to the same school for graduate school so thought it would be perfect to rent an apartment together with another friend of mine. For context, around the same time he was also dumped by his long-term girlfriend. For the longest time he refused to talk about or even acknowledge the existence of his ex-girlfriend. I wanted to respect his privacy and space, so I never brought it up. My roommate’s anxiety was through the roof for a while and all our mutual friends were really concerned for his mental health. Things mellowed out eventually and he seemed to settle into a new routine where he avoided anywhere she may be at all costs. He even got a new girlfriend and is really happy with her. This is where my problem begins.

I had a fantastic experience in undergrad and want to stay in touch with all of the people from undergrad who live in our city. Recently I decided to arrange a get-together with all of us and out of respect included both my roommate and his ex on the email just in case he wanted to come. I anticipated he wouldn’t want to, though, since he had minimal contact with just about everyone from our undergrad. Almost immediately he asked me to take him off all future communications that involved his ex, so I did and went ahead with organizing the meetup. I didn’t think anything of it until today when he revealed that he felt really shitty about the whole thing. He expressed that he felt hurt that I took him off the correspondence and not his ex and said he thought I would have had his back and picked his side in the matter. I said I was sorry and didn’t intend to make him feel that way, but I’m at a loss for what to do now. He said he won’t say I can’t be friends with his ex, but that’s how it came across to me. Does this mean I really do have to pick sides? Should I organize different meet-ups which include him and not his ex? I just don’t know how to handle this.

Befuddled Bostonian

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