There's a First Time for Everything... Especially When You're Queer


"Tell me about your first time..."

Three big firsts leap to mind when you ask a queer person about their "first time." The first time they realized they were queer (that stranger's ring of keys), the first person they told (that stranger in a chat room), the first time they had sex (that stranger from a hookup app).

But while the big three firsts get all the attention, the firsts keep on coming. There are more firsts in queer life than just "realize," "announce," and "bonk."

In fairness to straight people—#StraightLivesMatter—they have their fair share of firsts, too. First crush, first kiss, first fuck. But queer firsts are, well, they're queered by our queerness. Our firsts are experienced more intensely; they're riskier (what if mom and dad throw me out?) and sometimes much more consequential (mom and dad threw me out). Queerness can bend and invert our firsts, and homophobia and transphobia can bugger them up. For this year's Queer Issue (our 23rd!), we asked a diverse group of queer writers to write about a first time—a realization or an epiphany or an experience—that was bound up with their queerness but wasn't one of the big three queer firsts. There are a lot of coming-to-the-realization/coming-out-to-the-family/coming-all-over-yourself stories out there. We wanted to supplement stories of those "firsts" with stories about other less heralded and less explored firsts.

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Savage Love Letter of the Day: It's Okay to Share Dick Pics at Work, Just Not His Dick Pics


I'm a 36-year-old homo in a large metropolitan city with a sizable gay community. I'm out, proud and being single. I'm also on the promiscuous side. Being that I'm a slut (a label I'm not afraid of) and that it's also 2017, there exists a number of photographs of me in a number of sexual positions. My face isn't clearly visible in any of them, but some photos show more of me than others, including tattoos.

I've sent these photos out over the gay hookup apps. Now, in my mild defense, I'm 36. I remember IRC chat rooms, which predate even AOL. When I used it took more than ten minutes to attach a photo to an email. I've sent and received dick pics thousands of times in 16 years.

So imagine my surprise when I was setting up work at my restaurant—where I've been employed for only three months—and I glance over and spot a busboy showing photos I recognize to a manager. I step closer and it's very obvious to me—having seen and sent this photo for over a year—that it's my mouth with a dick in it. I watch as he scrolls and it's a photo of me in a mask (my lower jaw visible) at IML, he scrolls again and it's me with another dick in my mouth.

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Check Out the Guy Running Against Paul Ryan

That's some good political advertising right there.

The last time a Speaker of the House lost their reelection bid? Washington State's own Tom Foley, way back in 1995. The time before that? Galusha Aaron Grow in 1862. Let's do it again in 2018.

Savage Love Letter of the Day: Her Partner Only Likes Having Sex with Hairy Old Gay Men


My partner and I are in our early 30s and have been together for 6 years. I'm a cis-gendered female and my partner is FTM and began his transition last year. Up until that point, we had a fairly vanilla but satisfying and regular sex life. We both started to want kinkier sex, more variety, and some agreed-upon openness but had yet to really do the work to get there. The changes our relationship have gone through since his transition started though are so drastic I'm having a hard time wrapping my head around where to go from here.

My partner expressed interest in hooking up with men after starting T six months ago (something he had done when female-identified but hated). I was begrudgingly ok with this, not because I'm opposed to fun outside our relationship, but because he doesn't currently have any desire to have sex with me. I know I can pursue sex outside our relationship because we've always had an open-door policy, but I don't have any desire to be in a purely companionate relationship at age 30. The fact is, the only sex he seems interested in having is secretive, unprotected sex with old (60+), hairy, male strangers off Craigslist. I have nothing against old hairy men (although definitely not my cup of tea), but using protection and disclosure to each other were on our list of boundaries. He only admitted his behavior because his lies became too big for even him to keep track of.

He's noticeably less verbal and unable to identify his own emotions & intentions since starting T. He doesn't have any idea why he wants what he wants or if this is just a phase. Is it possible that T has permanently changed my partner's sexual orientation this much? My compassionate, emotive, ethical partner who was always so GGG and pro-safe sex seems to have turned into, well, just some gross dude. He identifies as pansexual but is really only pursuing the grandpa demographic which I clearly don't fit. I should also add that my partner has struggled to maintain his sobriety & has been dealing with depression since starting T. I feel utterly heartbroken and confused about who he has become.

Partner's Always Playing Around Sexually

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Vice On the Controversy at Evergreen

The Cop Who Shot and Killed Philando Castile Acquitted


A Minnesota police officer, whose fatal shooting of a black motorist transfixed the nation when his girlfriend livestreamed the aftermath, was acquitted of all charges on Friday. The officer, Jeronimo Yanez, had been charged with second-degree manslaughter and endangering safety by discharging a firearm in the shooting of Philando Castile. After the verdict, jurors and Mr. Yanez were quickly led out of the courtroom, and Mr. Castile’s family left immediately. When a deputy tried to stop his mother, Valerie, she yelled “Let me go.” Later, she said: “My son loved this city, and this city killed my son. And a murderer gets away. Are you kidding me right now?” She continued: “The system in this country continues to fail black people and will continue to fail us.”

Yanez claimed he feared for his life. The video is here. Back to the NYT:

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Savage Love Letter of the Day: Where Have All the Good Men Gone?


I'm a 25-year-old straight cis-female trying to navigate the dumpster fire that is dating in this modern world. I've been single for over a year and have been trying meet dudes....because there are A LOT of single dudes in this city... and I've run the gamut (Tinder, Bumble, fucking Coffee Meets Bagel?! Will someone please just slap these developers for coming up with these inane, bullshit names for dating apps??). I've even tried the "old school method" of just trying to talk to someone at a bar or a show, which feels IMPOSSIBLE because no one can communicate to you as a woman unless it's through a tiny, fucking screen.

I'm a confident woman, I'm an opinionated and nasty woman, and I feel myself hardcore. I think I'm sexy, I think I'm smart, and I'm proud to have a badass job that I love and a circle of badass women to call my friends. I'm also a busy woman: I play guitar, I volunteer in my community, AND I work my ass off, so I don't have a ton of time to waste.

So WHAT THE FUCK, DAN? These dudes are garbage, I swear, ALL OF THEM ARE GARBAGE. And the most disturbing—a lot of them think I'm a call-girl (why??), so my conversations and interactions online yield not a lot more than some dude looking for a cheap hook up.

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Savage Love: Virgin Territory

I'm almost 30 and I'm a virgin. I'm an overweight, straight-ish guy (I'm attracted to a few men, but those cases are exceedingly rare). I've also gone through an absolute hell life thus far, losing a testicle to cancer and having an abusive father who threatened a teenage me into celibacy by invoking the phrase "penile lobotomy" should I have sex with any girlfriends. I've barely dated in 10 years, and while I'm free from my father and the aforementioned mortal dick terror, I'm also INCREDIBLY scared about putting myself out there. I'm disabled, I'm not conventionally attractive by most standards, my whole zone down there is scarred up from surgeries, and, to top it all off, I'm on the small side. The last time I had the opportunity for sex, I went for it, but I was so terrified that I couldn't keep it up. The woman I was with said something to the effect of "Well, I can't do anything with that, now can I?" after which I asked her to leave because, seriously, that's kind of an asshole thing to say. I'm notionally on Tinder and Bumble, but I really don't know what I'm doing—and more often than not, I feel like the right thing for any theoretical partners would be for me to just stay in hiding and not inflict my grotesque presence on them. I'm scared of another humiliation, as that's most definitely not my kink, and I'm at an age where my complete lack of experience and physical deformity are (I would have to imagine) major issues for anyone I might encounter. I truly want romance, sexuality, and companionship in my life. I haven't fought through poverty, disability, physical and emotional abuse, and my genitalia trying to kill me to stay entombed in my office alone and unloved. I just do not know where to even begin.

The Virgin Who's Been Fucked A Whole Lot Just Never In The Good Way

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Savage Love Letter of the Day: Reader Advice Round-up


Rounding up the past week: There's a new pro-polyamory country song and I like it. There's a book Cardinal Dolan wants you to read about sucking dicks needing to be reminded not to suck dicks. From letter-writers: Why does his girlfriend's ass smell so bad? How does the average person masturbate? What to do about lesbian bed death? Will he really give up his kink for her? I took my best shots. Here are some of yours...


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Repeal-and-Go-Fuck-Yourself: Will GOP's Effort to Destroy Obamacare Get Us to Single-Payer?

So watching Republicans destroy the Republican alternative to a single-payer/Medicare-for-all health care system—because the black guy did it—is prompting some Democrats to embrace single-payer/Medicare-for-all, aka the kind of health care systems they have Israel, Vatican City, and other socialist hellholes. Ezra Klein at Vox:

The details of the Senate GOP’s Obamacare replacement plan remain a mystery. But the argument Majority Leader Mitch McConnell is using to push the final product over the finish line isn’t. On Friday, McConnell reportedly “delivered a private warning to his Senate Republicans: If they failed to pass legislation unwinding the Affordable Care Act, Democrats could regain power and establish a single-payer health-care system.” History may record a certain irony if this is the argument McConnell uses to successfully destroy Obamacare. In recent conversations with Democrats and industry observers, I’ve become convinced that just the opposite is true: If Republicans unwind Obamacare and pass their bill, then Democrats are much likelier to establish a single-payer health care system—or at least the beginnings of one—when they regain power.

Remember, kids: Obamacare—mandates, exchanges, fines, public subsidies, private profits—was originally the Republican alternative to a single-payer system. It was crafted by the hard-right Heritage Foundation and beta-tested by Mitt Romney when he was the governor of Massachusetts. And the idea was to preserve and expand our expensive, inefficient and inhuman for-profit health care system—without making it simpler, and without covering everyone. One of the chief ironies of the last nine years? Conservatives demanding that liberals defend what was—and still is—a conservative proposal.

Back to Ezra:

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Caelan Conrad On Obvious Queers and Missing Points

Great thread from Caelan Conrad, host of the Yesterqueer podcast:

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Savage Love Letter of the Day: Guy Willing to Abandon His Fetish in the Name of Love, Girl Suspicious


I'm a 29-year-old straight woman, I'm faced with a dilemma, and I'd love your take on the situation. A guy wants to get back together with me, but... well, I should first give some backstory.

I dated this guy about a year ago, and in many ways he was exactly the guy I was looking for. The main hitch was sexual. Our sex was good, but he had a fetish where he wanted me to sleep with other guys (with or without him being there, whether secretly or openly). Basically, he gets off on a girl being a "slut." He was also into threesomes or swapping with another couple. I experimented around with all of that for a few months, and in a way I had fun with it, but I finally had an epiphany and realized that this lifestyle is not for me. Being honest with myself, what I want is more of a traditional, monogamous relationship. I broke it off with him, but we stayed on friendly terms.

Here's the issue: We have reconnected recently, and he wants to get back together. He says that he wants to be with me, even if it means a more traditional sex life. I'm interested, but I'm suspicious. If he decides to forego his fetish in order to be with me, can he ever feel truly fulfilled with our sex life? I don't want to be with someone who I can't completely satisfy. That's a turn-off for me, and it also seems like too much of a sacrifice to expect from someone long-term. I worry that down the road, he might change his mind and try to convince me to experiment with non-monogamy again, which would make me feel pressured. I'm looking for someone to settle down with, and I'm scared to waste more time on this guy, even though in many (nonsexual) ways he's a great fit. Do you think it's possible for us to be happy together in a traditional arrangement when deep down he wants more?

Interested Despite Kink

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Savage Love Letter of the Day: She'd Have Stayed With Men If She Knew Her Lesbian Marriage Would Be Sexless


My wife of 16 years is gone for the weekend, then I'll leave on two work trips, effectively separating us for 75% of pride month. I am relieved AF because we aren't on the same page at all and I need a break. One of many issues is lesbian bed death (LBD). Since she got pregnant 14 years ago, we've had sex exactly three times. The last two were solely for me, as she "doesn't feel anything and isn't a sexual person anymore." Fucking awesome. Make me feel undesirable AND like a burden. Three times. In 14 years. Jerk.

If it had always been like this, I would understand, but nope... when I was a 25-year old baby, I was thin and tan and freshly shorter haired. I met a woman (my wife) seven years my senior on Planet Out. She was butch AF and turned me OUT. We had more sex than I could keep up with, but she was down. I was the more vanilla one and turned down butt play. But aside from that, I was down. After we moved in together, things took the sisters-who-love-home-improvement-and-don't-hate-sex-but-have-it-maybe-like-once-a-week turn. I've heard this is typical but it sucks.

Then she changed her mind from wanting zero wives and zero babies to wanting one of each. So she got what she wanted. And I thought I did, too.

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Cardinal Dolan Knows You're About to Suck a Delicious Cock But Wishes You Wouldn't

With everything that's going down right now and with so many of the world's environmental problems directly traceable to human overpopulation—we are literally killing everything—you'd think the princes of the Catholic Church would have better things to do with their time than knock that cock out of your mouth.

You'd be wrong:

Cardinal Timothy Dolan Endorses Ex-Gay Book Calling On Homosexuals To Live Loveless Lives Of Chastity

From a press release published today by Christian Newswire: “In his brutally honest and frank debut book, WHY I DON’T CALL MYSELF GAY: How I Reclaimed My Sexual Identity and Found Peace, [Daniel] Mattson chronicles his journey of discovery that led him to understand how he was created and what he was created for... "Daniel Mattson has written an honest account of the genuine struggles faced by those with same-sex attraction,” says Cardinal Timothy Michael Dolan, archbishop of New York. “Drawing upon a wealth of spiritual insights and wisdom from across our deep Catholic tradition, he shares with us how he has come to understand and accept God’s loving plan for his life, as well as the beauty and richness of the Church’s teaching on chastity. The tenderness and mercy of God is evident throughout and is a powerful reminder for all of us!”

Wait a second—is Dolan saying he needs to be reminded not to suck dicks?

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Savage Love Letter of the Day: Different Strokes


Ever since I was young, I've masturbated differently than everyone else. I don't play with myself with my hand. Instead what I do is I lie on the floor and hump the floor and the pressure between my leg and the floor usually feels good and that makes me cum. I've done this ever since I was a kid, and I'm now 24. The problem with this method is that it doesn't work with erections. Every time I've tried it with a boner, it just feels like I'm lying on a stick and it's uncomfortable. So I normally wait until I'm flaccid again, and then masturbate. Unfortunately, this means I've never cumed with an erection, I've only cumed when flaccid. I've had sex three times in my life, and never once have I cumed during sex. I think I accidentally trained my dick to not cum when I'm hard. I have no problem keeping a boner during sex and can go for a long time, I've just never cumed.

I think what started this problem is in general was I was born with lower than normal muscle mass which means I have terrible upper body strength. Every time I tried masturbating normally it just felt tiring and uncomfortable. I bought a Fleshlight recently to try and help me learn to masturbate normally but I have trouble getting an erection when I'm not around women (porn doesn't do it for me).

Struggling To Reach Orgasm Kinda Easily

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