ITMFA Donates $100,000 to ACLU, Planned Parenthood and IRAP


I'm mailing out checks today—and not just to the IRS.

This morning I had the distinct pleasure of mailing off checks to Planned Parenthood ($33,333.34), the ACLU ($33,333.33) and the International Refugee Assistance Project ($33,333.33)—money we raised selling ITMFA ("Impeach The Mother Fucker Already") buttons, t-shirts, hats, stickers, coffee cups, and lapel pins at and And I got to mail those checks out because nearly 10,000 Savage Love readers and Savage Lovecast listeners have ordered #ITMFA gear over the last eight weeks!

The best part of wearing ITMFA buttons or t-shirts or hats or lapel pins or all of the above? Or the second best part, I should say, after helping to raise money for three critically important and hugely effective organizations fighting Donald Trump? The interactions you have with friends, co-workers, neighbors, at anti-Trump marches, on the bus, etc. Because when people are going to ask you what ITMFA stands for and YOU GET TO TELL THEM it stands for 'Impeach The Mother Fucker Already!" (If there are kids around you can go with "Malicious Fascist" or "Malodorous Fart" or "Malignant Fraud.") We sell the buttons in ten packs (ten for $10) so you can share buttons with people who absolutely have to have one after they find out what it means!

We want to raise another $100,000 for Planned Parenthood, the ACLU, and IRAP! Here's how you can help!

Continue reading »

Savage Love Letter of the Day: Caught Between Her Man and His Hot Friend


I'm 24, and a female in a relationship with a very lovely, sweet, slightly depressed 24-year-old pansexual guy. We have been together a year, and he has introduced me to a whole gaggle of his friends. He's one of those people who has managed to keep his friends from childhood still in his immediate circle and they are obviously very important to him.

About six months in, one of his closest friends—I'll call him "B"—confessed to the both of us that he is an exhibitionist and invited us both to undress him and do as we wished with his body. He's a personal trainer and I kid you not, Dan, the David would be jealous. My boyfriend was into this, as was I, and there was a lot of touching, kissing and spanking going on. I have always sensed an attraction that he had with B, and I'm not jealous—if anything it turns me on. We had some of the hottest sex we have ever had afterward, feeding off that sexual energy. After this incident my partner has refused to talk about it, insisting that B is like an older brother to him. That was weird to me, as it felt like an inherently sexual experience, he fully participated, and I saw real evidence that the experience turned him on.

Continue reading »

Savage Love: Hard Limits

Joe Newton
I've read your column for as long as I had access to the internet and was interested in sex, so here goes: I'm a 27-year-old male with a 42-year-old girlfriend. We met at work; we were both going through divorce. At the beginning, holy moly! My dream girl in the bedroom. We've been together for a year, and the sex is still the best I've ever had—she says she feels the same—but it's vanilla. I am assertive and in-control in the bedroom, which works for both of us, as she prefers to be passive and wants me to make moves or switch it up. I want to do other things, but she doesn't want to do anything anymore other than missionary-position sex. Anal, oral, watching porn together, bondage, voyeurism—she's not up for any of it. There's always an excuse: "I'm not young like you," "I'm not flexible like you," "I have done that before and don't like it, no, no, no." Do I just suck it up and be grateful for what I have or what?

She Hates Options Totally, Desires One Way Now

Read article »

Savage Love Letter of the Day: Reader Advice Round-up


I'm not sure why, but my inbox was filled with questions about crime this week (maybe because we're finding new and innovate ways to amping up our police state). Questions about outdoor sex, assault during group sex, and when to disclose a DUI during a date all came my way. I had my opinions, and you all had yours.

Regarding Desperately Examining Erotic Trees:

Just read your Q&A about outdoor sex, and while it's hardly as convenient or cheap as walking outside, my gf & I just got back from a Bliss charter cruise for nudists/swingers/etc. Clothing was required inside the ship, but the pool area and a couple of sections of upper(outdoor) decks were clothing optional, and deck 12 forward had both nude and play areas during the day. Was fantastic to have a place for sex in the bright sunshine, Caribbean air, moderate temps, etc. No bugs, no cops, no worries about Instasnapfacechatgram fame. Highly recommended! Great DJs at the nightly theme parties, too. (Caveat: this was definitely a straight-and-bifemale-only environment, FWIW)

And for Irritated At My Husband's Overly Reasonable, Nice, Young Demeanor; Advise Now:

Continue reading »

Savage Love Letter of the Day: How Soon Should He Bring Up His DUIs?


I'm exactly 40 years old and have started seriously dating again for the first time in 8+ years. Go me, I'm proud of myself for doing this! I'm going on a date tomorrow for the first time in over a year. Since I've started dating, I keep running into an issue... I have 2 DUIs in my past. Now, because I'm so good at my job (HS teacher, helping to keep future generations positive) and have such a fabulous family support system, the only consequences I've suffered have been financial. I'm one of the most "stable" dudes on Grindr, even if I only make five figures. So when and how is it appropriate to tell a potential partner about my past legal troubles? (There are other issues, too: not being able to bottom without poppers; not being able to top, period... but those I can work through with my shrink.)

Although there are more issues, which you shouldn't have to deal with, the crux is this: when and how do I say "I have 2 DUIs, and I haven't given up alcohol, but I never, ever have a drink when I have to drive and I never, ever will?" And, in the last 10 years, that has become obsessively true: if there's even a chance I get behind a wheel, I abstain for 24+ hours.

Disclosing Unfortunate Information

Continue reading »

Savage Love Letter of the Day: Safe Play During Moresomes with Strangers


I'm a queer girl living in Vancouver with my male partner. This weekend we found ourselves in an after-hours club, made some friends and ended up at a house with two other guys and a girl. Things were getting pretty playful with everyone except for one of the guys. We all wanted him gone to get the show on the road but he wouldn't take the hint. He had bought all the booze for this after party so we were a little unsure of the etiquette of asking him to leave. Neither I or the other girl was interested. I made it clear that penetration was off the menu for me because I had an IUD inserted the day before and had just started my period. Everyone respected this except this one guy. He asked if I would do anal and I refused. He then shoved his fingers in my ass and I stopped him. Things continued. I positioned myself away from him but he somehow got behind me again and put his bare dick inside—though barely. The host pulled him off of me. For a reason none of us can understand, we didn't kick him out. We were admittedly all a bit fucked up from partying. I had a stern talk with him about respecting consent but when I felt his dick enter me from behind for the second time I got really upset. My boyfriend threatened him and the guy punched him a couple times and broke my sweetheart's nose. The host had been getting drinks and ran back in. He threw the guy out with no pants, so he had a well-deserved walk of shame. We don't know the guy's last name so we can't charge him.

Obviously, all of this is shitty. My question though is this. We enjoy threesomes/moresomes/swingers clubs, etc., as a couple, but this isn't the first time a fun night was ruined by a persistent dick monster who wouldn't listen, albeit never to this extent. Do you have any suggestions for creating a strategy to deal with pricks like these? Sober and not horny me has all the answers, but when I'm feeling violated and vulnerable, and distracted by whatever dick/pussy that's in my face, I'm not quite the loud-mouthed feminist bitch I usually am. We all agree he should've been kicked out before the offenses added up. Maybe he should've been kicked out when we all agreed we weren't so comfortable with him playing around with us. What's the etiquette of telling someone they can't join in? If things turned out differently, I'd feel a hell of a lot less shitty for trying not to make him feel insecure and excluded. I'm done dancing around assholes' feelings now.

Queer Unicorn Exhausted Entertaining Numbskulls

Continue reading »

Savage Love Letter of the Day: Horny Feminist Seeks Porn That Won't Destroy Her Faith in Humanity


I'm a 26-years-old Italian girl and I've always refused to watch porn because even as a teenager I felt it was primarily geared towards men and mostly unfair to women. I didn't even know what feminism was back then, but I found porn mildly disturbing and couldn't get off watching a woman being fucked in every orifice by oversized men with oversized dicks. Now that I've matured into a full-blown feminist I understood porn doesn't have to be bad if everyone involved has given their consent and is ok with doing what they're doing. I still have a feeling, though, that the porn industry is dangerous for women and a lot of the content that can be found online isn't really consensual and ethical.

I've recently moved to Sweden and started dating a Swedish guy. The sex is great and we have very open and anxiety-free conversations about our sexual preferences and stuff we might like to experiment with together. We were talking about porn, and I told him I would like to try watching some. However, I know I won't enjoy it unless I'm 110% sure that nobody was harmed or pressured into things they didn't really want to do. He agrees with me that it's a fucked-up industry unless one only watches celebrity pornstars, so I decided to turn to you for advice: where do we find feminist porn? And since I'm at it, and I'm a complete beginner, how do I find ethical straight porn which is meant for women? I mean something with a bit of a storyline and some erotic depth, not just sexy housewives, plumbers and PIV.

I know I could've googled this myself, but I really wouldn't know where to look and I don't want to end up seeing stuff that would deliver the death blow to the aforementioned already wavering faith in humanity. I figured you're kind of an expert and could point me in the right direction from the start.

I hope you will find the time to reply, although you probably receive hundreds of emails every day, and I'm looking forward to watching some good-quality, respectful porn with my man :)

Previously Orrified, Recently Not Overcritical

Continue reading »

Savage Love Letter of the Day: This Land Was Made for You & Me (to Have Sex in Public)


Two related questions.

1. Are both the first of May and May 8th days that recognize the fun that is outdoor sex?

2. Assuming the answer is either yes or no... how does one have outdoors sex in Seattle and not get caught?

I'm all about sex outside, but not so all about getting caught by police. Or spotted by random 15-year-olds (my sexy lover and I teach high school Spanish) or, well, anyone really. Last year on the first, we found a shady tree and celebrated the holiday, but also got eaten alive by mosquitos. So we went back on the 8th, and I brought mosquito repellent, which stinks and is not sexy, and there were beer cans under our tree in Discovery Park and people—people not having sex—were walking around everywhere. We went and got cheeseburgers instead.

Dan! If anyone understands how exceptionally underwhelming a cheeseburger is (even a good one) compared to hot outside tree sex with a Spanish lover is, it's you. Where can I safely, privately get my groove on in the great outdoors?

Desperately Examining Erotic Trees

Continue reading »

Gorsuch Confirmed


Judge Neil M. Gorsuch was confirmed by the Senate on Friday to become the 113th justice of the Supreme Court, capping a political brawl that lasted for more than a year and tested constitutional norms inside the Capitol’s fraying upper chamber. The development was a signal triumph for President Trump, whose campaign last year rested in large part on his pledge to appoint another committed conservative to succeed Justice Antonin Scalia, who died in February 2016. However rocky the first months of his administration may have been, Mr. Trump now has a lasting legacy: Judge Gorsuch, 49, could serve on the court for 30 years or more.

If contemplating thirty years of Gorsuch opinions isn't torture enough... if looking at Mike Pence's smug fucking face isn't torture enough... if you really want to torture yourself... go read or reread this piece by Jeffrey Toobin in New Yorker from last October.

Continue reading »

Savage Love: Domme and Dommer

Joe Newton
I'm a woman in my late 40s. In my early 20s, I married a much older man. We did all the requisite things: kids, house, intercourse once a week. When the sex fell off due to his declining health, he surprised me by suggesting we open our marriage. He said I was too young to be limited and he didn't want me to leave him for sex. I spent time contemplating how to truly fulfill my desires. I read a lot of erotica, indulged in porn, and discovered that what turned me on was Dominance. Not intercourse particularly, but power play with me as the Queen controlling a slave. I like chastity, face-sitting, and light bondage. I have found that this type of play appeals to smart and kinky gents. But I am finding that, despite a gentleman's declaration of "wanting something long-term," perhaps a friends-with-benefits arrangement, they tend to drop out in short order. Three times in the past two years I have spent a great deal of time getting to know someone before there was any play—a lot of time chatting online, several vanilla dates. In each of these instances, I felt that I had found a good friend. Each of these three men dumped me in exactly the same way. Each said that I was too overwhelmingly beautiful and powerful, and that their obsession with me took up too much room in their lives. This is very frustrating because I feel like I give someone the space they need. I think this is likely BS. Could "I'm overwhelmed" be the new "It's not you, it's me"? I am tired of having my feelings hurt. Must I hang up my crop forever?

Done Offering My Mental Energy

Read article »

GOP Goes Nuclear

Mitch McConnell and his merry band rightwing nihilists went ahead and changed the rules—they went for the nuclear option—ending the 60-vote requirement for Supreme Court confirmations. Neil M. Gorsuch is going to sit on the Supreme Court, he's going to sit in Merrick Garland's seat, and he's going to sit in that seat and issue rulings and pull the court to the right for the next three or four decades. But we shouldn't be sad about the end of the filibuster today, Josh Marshall argues at TPM, because the filibuster ended a long, long time ago:

In practice, Republicans abolished the Supreme Court filibuster in 2005. This may be seem odd since you not have heard about this. But it's true. Back in 2005, when now-Justices Roberts and Alito came up for confirmation in rapid succession, Republicans made it very clear that the they would resort to the 'nuclear option' if Democrats tried to block either nomination. In response Democrats worked out a deal which amounted to preserving the Supreme Court filibuster on condition that they never use it. In other words, it was abolished.

Go read the whole thing.

Savage Love Letter of the Day: Reader Advice Round-up


This week, spring sprung, Flynn begged for immunity, Ivanka Trump's neighbor gave us the patriotic pettiness we didn't know we needed, and this just happened. (It actually happened a long time ago, argues Josh Marshall.) On top of global shenanigans, a bunch of you asked me to fix your problems: a wife wasn't into her baby-faced hubby, a woman wondered what makes a blowjob a blowjob, and I re-upped an old idea for an app.

A bunch of you also sent me your thoughts on my thoughts. In response to a call on the Savage Lovecast this week:

I just heard your podcast and you mentioned fetuses swimming in sperm for the second time. Between a fetus and incoming sperm there is the cervix which is about 4 cm long and plugged shut during pregnancy. Behind that there is the membrane of the amniotic sac. No sperm will ever reach the baby in normal circumstances, even during rough sex. Please correct this so horny pregnant woman and their male partners can have sex without worrying or being grossed out. Maybe you knew all this and find it logical, but since you have a large American audience with incorrect sex ed who take you very seriously (which they usually should) it would be good to correct this.

I know that fetuses and semen don't actually mix. Sometimes you have to—what's that expression again? Oh, right: take me seriously, not literally. And:

Continue reading »

SL Letter of the Day: The Hunger

Originally posted on January 21, 2015.

I'm a straight 18-year-old girl in my first sexual relationship. Things are a little awkward, and I could chalk it up to inexperience, but here's what I feel conflicted about: I have a vore fetish. It was a fascination for me as a young child and became a sexual thing around the time I hit puberty. I'm wondering now whether this is something I need to get off. It works well when I'm on my own, but I always thought "regular stuff" would work too once I was actually getting some. I've told my boyfriend about it, and he's more than willing to role-play with me. But these fantasies are in-my-head-only, as they rarely feature human beings (think anthropomorphic monsters and dragons, strange as this may seem), so I don't know if I could actually do this. Maybe we just need to hold out a little until we know what we're doing and regular stuff will cut it after all? I have a mounting suspicion that it won't, and I'm having trouble coming to terms with what seems to be a really warped, messed-up fetish. What if this is the only thing I can get off to? Am I doomed to solo sex forever?

Vore Only Really Excites

My response after the jump...

Continue reading »

Savage Love Letter of the Day: After 15 Years, Her Husband Still Looks Like A Child & She's Not Into It


34-year-old woman here, married for 10 years, with my husband since I was 19. I had very little sexual experience before I met him, and he was also in the same boat. When we started having sex it was great although I wonder a bit how much of that was due to the excitement of having PIV sex for the first time and having my first serious relationship. I had really low self-esteem and was absolutely cripplingly shy, so even though I can see now I had interest from men I either didn't notice or was too scared to respond. We managed to get together because my husband is incredibly kind and friendly and I didn't feel intimidated by him. Anyway, it was good, and I was attracted to him.

In my mid to late twenties, I had a severe depressive episode, put on a huge amount of weight, lost confidence and therefore libido. I explained it was me, not him. Husband was very, very understanding. The depression got cured although I'm still very fat and with some disordered eating problems and trying to work on that.

Continue reading »

Savage Love Letter of the Day: Blow, Blowing, Blown


Let me start by saying that we love your article and have learned a lot over time. My co-workers and I have a debate going on. What, in your opinion, is a blowjob? If I suck on my partner's dick for ten minutes before we have sex, does that count? Or does he have to cum from my sucking? What if you are doing the deed for thirty minutes and he never cums? Your expertise would be greatly appreciated.

Seeks Understandable Cock Knowledge

Continue reading »