Dealing with Gray

As I was researching and writing this column, Amanda Plummer’s opening scene in Pulp Fiction played in my head. I was Amanda. But instead of a restaurant full of unsuspecting diners, the object of my outburst was every shithead Queer who was practicing risky sex: “You fucking, goddamn assholes,” I screamed! “I’m gonna crush your nuts and make sure you can never fuck again for the rest of your lives.”

My rage against Queers who knowingly infect—and get infected—with the HIV virus began with Eli Sanders’ article in the June 5 edition of The Stranger, entitled “The Immoral Minority.” In it, Sanders says loud, clear, and in a no-nonsense manner what would make a Drag Queen proud, that the men’s health programs to curb the rise of HIV and STDs in Seattle are limp and ineffective. In particular, Gay City’s efforts need to be questioned, and if necessary, maybe heads should roll! It’s time the Queer community starts to ask tough questions, demand straight answers, and stop being such a namby-pamby in our HIV-prevention messaging. HIV and STDs have taken a sharp rise recently. So, hear this all you risk-taking Queers: “Stop fucking around with your humping practices and wear a rubber.” In addition, tell HIV-positive Queers that to knowingly spread their disease is criminal. Tell any Queer with a dick who engages in harmful and risky sex that if he’s not feeling ashamed, he should.

Three Reasons Why Sanders’ Article Struck a Positive Chord with Me:

1. I love the way Eli Sanders writes! I’m a sucker for talent. His article is tight. It has force, a voice, a point of view. He’s a great writer and I’m in awe of great writers.

2. What Sanders has to say about Queers infecting other Queers hit this Old Queer in the righteous part of his brain. Right on, Eli! Don’t hold back! Go for the balls! Get Queers—young and old—off their complacent, unprotected, warty asses and make them Take. Action. Now!

3. I was completely surprised that any Queer under the age of 39 was even remotely concerned about HIV and STDs. I hear from Old Queers on this subject quite a bit. Many of them lament the fact that until young Queers start attending funerals of their friends on a monthly basis, risky sex will continue. Now, here is a 25-year-old hotshot writer voicing a concern about unsafe sex practices within the LGBT community. Bravo, young Queer!

I e-mailed The Stranger to get hold of Eli. “What,” I asked Eli, “prompted you to write the article?”

Says the HIV-negative freelancer, who promotes and practices safe sex: “I was assigned by The Stranger to write a story about STDs in the gay community, and as I started to report the story, I was shocked to ï¬?nd out how much information about the local STD situation was not being shared in a meaningful way with the local queer community. Gay City Health Project describes itself as the leading organization servicing gay men’s health in Seattle, so it was natural to focus on Fred Swanson [its executive director] and Gay City for part of my piece. One thing I kept in mind throughout was Gay City’s own mission statement, which begins: ‘Our mission is to promote gay and bisexual men’s health and prevent HIV transmission….’ I tried to hold them accountable to that mission.”

This Is Where My Journey Starts

To get other viewpoints—and perhaps hoping to get my sense of outrage conï¬?rmed over the rise in HIV/STDs—I contacted a friend of mine, Colby Wilk, 36, who is an extraordinary coach therapist (colby@colbywilk.com) and conducts a safe-sex workshop called “In the Moment Before Penetration.” Wilk, never one to hold back or mince words, says: “Shame breeds isolation. Isolation breeds risky behavior.” It was obvious that a “shame” approach, or any kind of a negative “wake-up call” to the Queer community, wasn’t going to sit well with Wilk. “It’s documented,” Wilk continues, “that gay men who are made to feel shameful about their behavior will act even more outrageously and engage in even riskier behavior.” Wilk believes that one of the chief barriers to preventing risky sexual behavior is a lack of good communications skills. Queers simply don’t know how to talk about safe sex.

“First of all, the sex talk needs to happen before you’re on the bed,” Wilk contends. “It should start at dinner.” Wilk advises that early on a date be told, “While this evening may not end up in a sexual encounter, and I’m not suggesting that it does necessarily, I want you to know that safe sex is important to me.” By having such a conversation before the heat of the moment overwhelms clear judgment, the chances for safe and satisfying intimacy is increased. Wilk says that the same conversation can happen anyplace. At a bathhouse… a bookstore… wherever. “The message needs to be about reinforcing personal accountability and not being afraid to state your own sex-practice boundaries to a potential sex partner,” Wilk believes. “You need to take control of what is acceptable behavior. Don’t rely on the other person to do that. If anyone thinks that shaming us into safe-sex behavior will work, it won’t. It’ll have the opposite effect.”

Reactions Run the Gamut

After my conversation with Wilk, I raised the issues discussed in Sanders’ article among 15 to 20 other people—Queers and breeders. The reactions ranged from “The Stranger was right on target” to “I want to kick every Stranger news box I see.” Some hailed Sanders as a hero while others called him every disgusting oriï¬?ce they could think of. One referred to him as “Cacahead.” Several HIV-positive Queers were frightened that talks about quarantining HIV-positive people would be bandied about by religious groups, editorialists, and lawmakers. In the majority of conversations I had with Queers, shame and judgment were not believed to be an effective way of communicating safe sex. (The few breeders I talked to—ï¬?ve in total—did believe that shame could work effectively.) There was evidence of “message burnout” among many of the HIV-negative Queers I spoke to. “I’m tired of being told to wear a rubber” was a common statement. (For me, personally, I think one of the most erotic acts during sex is for my partner to slip a rubber on me. Several others expressed the same sentiment.)

What’s Gay City’s Take on All This?

If anything, I was beginning to understand that sex, HIV, AIDS, intimacy, relationships, touching, STDs, kissing, loving, ﬒irting, rimming, tonguing, ï¬?sting—in short, sexual expression and the outcomes of sexual expression—were complex and, well, gray. Not that I didn’t know this intellectually already. But now it was being driven home to me on an emotional level. I don’t care for gray. I was now having to think gray, listen gray; and horror of horrors, begin speaking gray? I wanted a deï¬?nitive answer to what’s really causing the rise in HIV/STDs in my Queer quarters. Is it lackluster and lame messaging? A seemingly unending wave of political correctness? The noncombative “Seattle Way” of dealing with life so as not to upset anyone—even those who are spreading sexual diseases? Because Sanders’ piece hit hard at Gay City, I called its executive director, Fred Swanson.

Swanson, a gentle-voiced and patient HIV-negative, 30-year-old Queer, told me that he and his staff were more distressed over the headlines in the Seattle Times and the Seattle Post-Intelligencer about the rise in HIV/STDs than with The Stranger article. That’s not to say that The Stranger article hasn’t caused some consternation among the staff and board members at Gay City. After the article appeared, Swanson was called to defend Gay City on KUOW. The Sanders article obviously was shaking life up at Gay City.

In spite of The Stranger, Gay City’s strategy of providing information and resources to Queer men is not going to change to hard-hitting messages that invoke shame and pass judgment as a way to change risky sexual behavior.

Swanson outlined for me the next steps in their war against HIV/STDs. One was to update and distribute Gay City’s guide, “Action” (which details sexual diseases in everyday speak… offers treatment suggestions… and gives numbers to call for further “action.” Get it?). They also intend to revise the “Little Black Book,” a resource guide for young Queers that is part of Gay City’s Queercore. The “Little Black Book” deals with coming out, how to meet other queers in a safe and nurturing environment, sexual diseases, and how to negotiate safe sex, and it lists resources to call about anything Queer, including The Stranger Personals and Savage Love (“From mending your broken heart to the politics of the enema, if you have a question about love, sex or relationships, then Dan’s your man. Be prepared with a thick skin though, because Dan don’t pull no punches [sic]…”). It might be added that Dan’s bevy of crack writers “don’t pull no punches” either. Finally, in September, Gay City is going to launch a new ad campaign that stresses the importance of HIV-negative men working together with HIV-positive men in ï¬?ghting HIV/STDs. The campaign will appear in publications like Seattle Gay News and The Stranger, as well as in our bars, bathhouses, and Queer-centered and Queer-friendly stores on the hill.

Still Not Satisï¬?ed, Until…

While all of what Swanson was telling me sounded well and good, I still kept thinking that it still didn’t hit the mark. It smacked of more of the same. Why rely on the usual strategies when in the end the latest ï¬?ndings show an increase in HIV and STDs?

Then Swanson said something that everyone needs to hear—and take to heart: “There is a direct correlation between the lack of federal funding over the last few years and the increase in HIV/STDs.” I let that sink in. Then, with a lead from my friend, Dan Tuttle, I did some more research. The Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC) backs up Swanson’s remark. What this means is that during the heyday of HIV/AIDS awareness, when messages about sexual diseases were everywhere—and regardless of whether you thought they were on the mark or not—HIV rates went unchanged. It seems that old and young Queers were getting the message. Right now, approximately 33 percent of Gay City’s funding is coming from federal sources. In the not-so-distant past, it was 90 percent. And, guess what? HIV is on the rise.

We know, too, that private donations to AIDS causes have decreased within the past couple of years. Without money, costly advertising and workshops, etc., are not going to happen on a regular basis. Out of sight is out of mind. If I’m not being reminded about practicing safe sex, I’m going to let my guard down. Assume all’s okay: My meds are working, diseases are in check, life is good. Wanna bareback?

Kudos to Sanders

I’m still a fan of Eli Sanders. His article sparked a much-needed conversation about HIV and other sexual diseases. Fred Swanson agrees: “He got us talking again. It’ll help bring new ideas and create better messages.”

Personally, I don’t believe that a shaming approach is the best tactic. For a while I did. My research has given me a different perspective. Which goes to show that maybe you can teach an old dog new tricks. Even an Old Queer dog.

What are your thoughts about the rise in HIV/STDs? Any ideas on how best to stop the rise of HIV? What do you think would be an effective ad campaign? You tell me: Pushinthelimits2@hotmail.com. I’d love to hear from you.