For Valentine's Day, we carefully selected the movies that will make your evening go smoothly and charm your sweetheart. Voilà! Choose the option that best fits your relationship:

—women are evil witches at SIFF
—a movie about a really old lady who dates a suicidal 20 year old
—torture porn à la 1968
—2 hours of almost classy pimps and coke and Elvis Presley
—arguments about economics and abortion
—a dude trying to bury his child at Auschwitz

Read on for all of the movies our critics recommend this weekend—including Say Anything, which will maybe work if you just can't be categorized into the neat little boxes above. Also, the reviews stink—but committed Blue Steel fans might want to see Zoolander No. 2. If you need even more options, check out our complete movie times listings.

NEW RELEASES
1. Deadpool
"Would I watch it again? Sure. But is it a timeless film, like Ferris Bueller's Day Off (where, like in Deadpool, the main character breaks the fourth wall)? Far from it. In the end, Deadpool is more fun than your average comic-franchise movie. But it represents a missed opportunity, and that leaves a bitter aftertaste." - Ansel Herz

LIMITED RUNS
2. Anomalisa
"One part of Charlie Kaufman's Anomalisa is really great, and the other part is really predictable. The greatness has everything to do with its look (animated puppets and their world), and the not-so-greatness with its story. The good news is that the latter does not get in the way of the former." - Charles Mudede

3. Beauty and the Beast
No, this isn't the one with the dancing silverware and catchy showtunes—this 1947 version directed by Jean Cocteau transforms the story of Beauty and the Beast into something even darker than you remember. The film is worth watching just for the cryptic, heavy imagery, like the hands of the Beast expelling smoke after he commits a murder.

4. Chocolat
"The great French director Claire Denis has made three masterpieces: Chocolat, I Can’t Sleep, and Beau Travail. Chocolat, which came out in 1988, is her first film, and it introduced to the world a human whose face is like an abstract African sculpture, Isaach De Bankolé. Set in postcolonial West Africa, the film Chocolat is simply lyrical, subtly political, and at every point filled with the kind of sexual tension that only the French can capture and express effortlessly." - Charles Mudede

5. The Craft
A group of high school girls in Los Angeles get witchy.

6. The Devils
This 1971 British screen adaptation of Aldous Huxley's The Devils of Loudun, set in the 17th century and centered around a Roman Catholic priest, was considered exceedingly violent and banned in several countries.

7. Harold and Maude
Cult classic pairs Cort as a dead-pan disillusioned 20-year-old obsessed with suicide and a loveable Gordon as a fun-loving 80-year-old eccentric. They meet at a funeral, and develop a taboo romantic relationship, in which they explore the tired theme of the meaning of life with a fresh perspective.

8. Rosemary's Baby
Roman Polanski's Hollywood debut, Rosemary's Baby, is an unsettling movie (what if the evil is inside of you, or in your family) but what really makes it memorable are the performances by Mia Farrow and Ruth Gordon that are horror-level haunting even without visible violence.

9. Say Anything
Central Cinema presents a screening of Say Anything; prepare to fall in love with John Cusack (and I guess Ione Skye, maybe?) in this movie about puppy love.

10. Son of Saul
"My experience of László Nemes's debut feature, Son of Saul, was very intense and confusing. My emotions went this way and that—horror to a deep state of sadness to anger. And then I would swell with guilt about this angry feeling. And then I would become angry about this feeling of guilt. And then another scene would sink me into sadness again. Altogether, I rate Son of Saul as one of the few masterpieces of 21st-century cinema.” - Charles Mudede

11. The Sprocket Society presents Saturday Secret Matinees
Watch the entirety of the highly regarded serial Spy Smasher over the course of twelve weekly installments. Each screening will feature one episode, plus a secret feature film that follows a monthly theme. This month: serial heroes and heroines.

12. True Romance
This dark romantic comedy starring Christian Slater and Patricia Arquette has enough sex and cocaine to get you through the weekend, at least vicariously.

13. Vessel
The Seattle Feminist Drinking Club presents this screening of Vessel, about "an underground network of emboldened, informed activists, working at the cutting edge of global reproductive rights," alongside beer, vegan food, prizes, and more. They'll also fundraise for the CAIR Project, the Pacific Northwest's abortion fund.

14. Witchfinder General
This 1968 British horror film directed by Michael Reeves was essentially considered torture porn when and where it came out; now it's a creepy/beloved cult classic.

CONTINUING RUNS
15. 45 Years
"45 Years has little to do with class, but Haigh is a savvy filmmaker, and glimmers of his actors' past shine through their perfectly aligned performances. With a few strokes, he depicts a comfortable country marriage between retired professionals that develops fault lines when a revelation about Geoff's past comes to light." - Kathy Fennessy

16. The 5th Wave
"In the science fiction movie The 5th Wave, the aliens are not nice but very destructive. They want all humans to be dead. They mean business. Earth has real value to them, and they do not want to share any of it with the "third chimpanzee" (let alone the second or the first). That's the whole story. And the people who bankrolled The 5th Wave, which stars Chloë Grace Moretz, hope that it "will do for aliens what Twilight did for vampires." - Charles Mudede

17. The Big Short
"The most important film in the 2016 Oscar race is The Big Short, which has five nominations, one of which is for best picture. The reason for its importance is the relevance of its subject matter—the greed, stupidity, and corruption that led to the collapse of the financial markets in 2008." -Charles Mudede

18. Carol
"It's kind of strange that Todd Haynes—the director of Velvet Goldmine—has become a master of cinematic restraint, but Carol is perfectly attuned to the culture of mid-century repression it documents, and equally adept at showcasing the passions and prejudices that simmer below the surface." - Alison Hallett

19. Hail, Caesar!
"It doesn't matter that Hail, Caesar! barely hangs together. It's too much fun to watch. With Hail, Caesar!, [Joel and Ethan Coen] have forgone the brow furrowing and decided to revel in their favorite topic of all—movies. In what amounts to little more than an extended string of cameos and hilarious set pieces, Hail, Caesar! is a firm, feature-length pinch on Hollywood's swollen, self-absorbed posterior.” - Ned Lannamann

20. Pride and Prejudice and Zombies
”This adaption of Seth Grahame-Smith's 2009 parody novel of Jane Austen's classic is playing with a full deck of whist cards. It's funny, gory, and packed with moist-eyed Mr. Darcys (well, just one, but he's got moistness in spades). Guys, it's so much fun!” - Courtney Ferguson

21. The Revenant
"Judged on a scene-by-scene basis, The Revenant often feels like one of the most amazing movies ever made, with Emmanuel Lubezki's breathtaking cinematography capturing every vivid facet of nature's teeth and claws. Taken as a whole, however, the lack of tonal variance and unrelenting bleakness end up serving the director's monumental ambition more than the relatively sparse narrative. Still, even when it verges on self-parody—this is a movie where a character is listed in the end credits as Dave Stomach Wound—the sheer mad bravura on display makes it impossible to dismiss." - Andrew Wright

22. Ride Along 2
"What's particularly effective here is the staging: both action and slapstick exist in solid, comprehensibly established spaces. That may seem like faint praise, but even prestige blockbusters these days get sloppy with that stuff, and it's nice to see good fundamentals in what could easily have been a cash-in sequel." - Ben Coleman