The Huntsman from Snow White

At first, when I heard a bunch of vanilla indie hipsters were about to descend on the hallowed sanctity of Tolt-MacDonald Park, I cried to the heavens: "Spare me this mockery of justice! I will run away into the forest and never come home again!" But as it turns out, they tend to be pretty nice as people (though at a certain point, even I was like, "Damn, fellas, what if one of you tried not having a beard?"). Also, the bands are usually pretty decent. I never miss a chance to see Industrial Revelation, and I've heard good things about Naked Giants, too, so that's chill.

The Tin Woodman from The Wonderful Wizard of Oz

I'll be totally honest: I'm not crazy about the idea of going out to the woods for pleasure. I probably don't have to tell you that I mostly associate wooded areas with the period of my life when a wicked witch enchanted my own ax to make it chop off each of my limbs, which were replaced by pieces of tin (hence the name). This made my sweetheart have second thoughts about marrying me. I can't blame her—though the guy she wound up with was literally built out of my severed body parts, which I find, upon reflection, I actually can blame her for, weirdly? Anyway, so, yeah, basically, no, not a camping guy. But a dear friend had an extra space in his yurt, and I'm making an effort to be less isolated lately, so I looked at the schedule and was impressed that Thao and Brothers From Another were on the same bill. They both have tons of heart.

Woodrow Wilson, the 28th president of the United States

I've really been enjoying the Ruler tracks I've heard, and since I love Cataldo, and I know they share members, I'm super curious to check out the live show.

Paul Bunyan

Oh, man, where do I even start?! I LOVE this festival. It's just the right scope for me. Capitol Hill Block Party is too urban and Sasquatch! is too much damn hassle (even though you realize I did create the Gorge by dragging my ax behind me for a spell). And all those festivals' corporate sponsors, my gosh! Take it from someone whose likeness has been used to sell everything from beer to health insurance to truck axles to every other crappy roadside diner on any interstate in the USA: Sometimes it's nice to see people play music without feeling like you're being surveilled by an energy drink street team every minute. Just like every year, I'm planning to see as much as I can, but I'm especially psyched for Silver Torches—that record slays me. And Babe is really into Douse. Oh, and Recess Monkey! I can't help it: I love kids' bands!!

The wood chipper from Fargo


Gaston from Beauty and the Beast

I know what you're thinking: Me, attend a music festival? Who's going to watch the bands? Ha-ha-ha. No, seriously. I'm just hoping to have an awesome time out there. I recently had to dump my fiancée (believe me, I'm fine; she's the one you should feel bad for) and, funny as it sounds, I just kind of want to put myself out there a little while I enjoy some killer tunes. Who am I most excited to see? Oh, all of it. I don't really follow music (umm, I'm a little busy with real world stuff: hunting, doing my crunches, killing beasts, making America great again), but I basically like everything. Except that rap shit.

Treebeard from The Lord of the Rings

I don't make it out to shows as much as I used to, but I like it when the festival comes to me. I keep hearing that Polyrhythmics put on a fine show. I don't care about all the fancy production values or deep meaning. I just want a good time. I'm easily Ent-ertained.

The "I'm a lumberjack" guy from Monty Python

Beverly Crusher, duh.

George Washington, the first president of the United States

I cannot tell a lie... I'm really not into festivals that much anymore. When I was a little younger, I was all, "Fuck, this is insane! So many bands I like-to-love in one place for one weekend? Holy fucking shit!" So many insane shows, some of the best times of my life. But the last couple years, dude, I don't know. Maybe I'm getting older, or maybe it's just all this Trump negativity in the air, but I am feeling WAY less down with being around big groups of people, you know? Martha and I are doing Timber! this year because the other ones are just too big, and she really loves camping. I always joke around with her: "Try doing it at Valley Forge in the dead of winter in 1777," I say, and she does that kind of patronizing half-smile. Whatever, she's right; it's not that funny. I have a bad habit of unconsciously making everything about me, and not even realizing until way later that my rad, brilliant wife is just trying to say she'd like to get out of the city for a weekend. Anyways, I'm working on it. And I can't wait to see Car Seat Headrest. Their last couple albums are super killer.

Mr. Woodman from Welcome Back, Kotter

As you know, I don't like to fraternize with people young enough to be my students, but I must say: Douse is about the finest indie rock band I've heard in some years. That is all. You may now go back to ruining your hearing and your lives.

Woody Allen


The Giving Tree

Oh, I don't think I can go, but you go on and have a wonderful time. I'll just be here trying to think if there's anything else I can do to make your life a little easier. So yes, please, you go. Have fun. Just promise me one thing: Do not, under any circumstances, wonder how I might have enjoyed a chance to see Shenandoah Davis or Kyle Craft, even though they probably made my two favorite Northwest records of the past year, which you might have known if you'd ever come visit or ask me about myself, heaven forfend. If I know for sure you're not going to spare so much as a glimmer of a thought for me, then I'll be happy to remain where I am, here, forever, dying slowly. recommended