Comments

1
My god I hope she cheated. Maybe just once, on a trip to Minneapolis. Maybe with a lady she semi-accidentally cruised. Maybe while too drunk. But I hope she did it.
2
Or maybe tell him he'd better get interested in some of them outer kinky stuff. Sex with the vibrator is better than sex with him right now, so if he's not going to at least try to be GGG, withhold sex and give him a pair of socks for the next 30 years.
3
I have one question - are you incorporating the vibrator into your shared sex life?

Because if you're coming on a regular basis, it's a lot easier to say that not having perfectly spectacular sex is a price of admission you're willing to pay for being married to this good man. But if your choices are theoretical future perfectly spectacular sex, and sex without orgasm at all, it starts to look like too high a price.
4
Oh, I didn't realize this was a rerun till I saw @1.
5
if they're in their early 50s, they graduate HS in the late 70s/early 80s. they're too young to have bought into that bullshit, and he's too young to not know where a clitoris is.

maybe they're Mormon or something. what a waste.
6
She doesn’t want to cheat and I don’t think she should either.
7
I've written this on here before and I'm writing it again. Good sex doesn't have to mean orgasm. I can count on one hand the number of times I've orgasmed during sex with a man, but I enjoy my sex life and get my orgasms on a regular basis alone. It took me a long time to realize that I wan't broken; that's just how my body/mind seems to operate. Not ideal, but that's my experience. And there's nothing wrong with the wonderful men I'm involved with; they're fantastic and bring me a lot of pleasure. Maybe with time this will change, but it's been like this for over a decade. So, instead of focusing on orgasm, maybe she should just focus on her own pleasure? And get the vibrator in bed with her husband? And if she doesn't orgasm with her husband, I doubt she will with some random stranger, either.
8
PS I'm a woman by the way. Sometimes I wonder if it's about where my clit is located/ other physiology.
9
I had the same first thought as BiDanFan, who is this couple that couldn’t learn more about sex in the 90s when they were still in their 30s? They read books? What books? They spoke to therapists? What kind of advice did they receive? Did they go on the internet?

Given that, I do wonder what BIBFAULT, would find if she actually had sex with other partners, considering that she wasn’t able to figure out what to do differently when having sex with her husband. For instance, she talks about kink in really vague terms. If that’s how she’s trying to move her sex life forward, I think she needs to get a lot more concrete about the direction she want to take sex with her husband.

On a practical note, if BIBFAULT ever did decide to cheat, one of those hard to achieve requirements Dan mentioned should be a man who was screened for STIs at least three months after his last sex partner. There would be no easier way to blow up her marriage than acquiring an STI. And someone whose only had sex with one person might not think about that.
10
Maybe the writer could take a mini vacation to somewhere big, Chicago or New York or some place in that range, and find herself a professional pleasurer, one who makes it his business to help his ladies get where they want to go. Men like that still exist, right? and they're still working?
11
1. Yeah don’t wait for marriage.

2. Bring the vibrator into bed.

3. Ask him how he’d feel to go thirty fucking years without an organism with his wife.

4. I hope she got some good sex. What a fucking loss of time.
12
Hmm... I know it's a rerun, but the thing I picked up on this time is:

"Neither of us has ever been unfaithful, and neither of us is okay with being unfaithful — I know he isn't. Even though I'm intrigued by the idea, I don't think I could pull off the lying and deceit required to do it behind his back."

So what she means is, she's not okay with her partner being unfaithful, though she's pretty okay with being unfaithful herself. That always annoys me in a Letter Writer. She's not against doing the thing herself that she's against her husband doing, she just doesn't think she can get away with it. Hypocrite.

That, and all the same comments from last time around. When she says, "when we are together" It sounds like she means "when we are doing PIV." I suspect that she may be one of the many women who don't orgasm from PIV alone, which means she is going to be disappointed if she thinks kink -- or some other guy -- is going to hit her button, at least if it's just new trappings or a new guy to try PIV on her. In keeping with Dan's "a kink too far" principle I reserve judgment on whether he's being a lazy withholding asshole without knowing what her "mild kink" actually entails. According to her narrative, it's not from lack of trying.

The obvious thing is to incorporate the vibrator into their "togetherness." If that's her "mild kink," then yes he's being an idiot. If it's something else, it's situational.
13
Avast2006: Except that the husband is perfectly satisfied with their sex life. He's not missing anything that he'd seek to get from a different partner. There is no hypocrisy in her wanting to get the thing he's already getting.

Matt @10: I had a similar idea: they should bring in a sex worker (together) to demonstrate to him how to get her off. Hint: Use the damn vibrator.
14
If I were BIBFAULT, I would _begin_ by saying to her husband exactly what she said to Dan: Do you want me to die without having had good sex in my life?
15
Shesaid @7: For this LW, good sex has to include orgasm. It's really not productive to tell her to continue putting up with sex she finds unsatisfying for 30 more years.
16
@7 yeah, well having broken the barrier myself about having organisms in my twenties with a guy, not going back to that. Sure, I don’t always, but it is awesome to have a husband/partner who is willing to use the toys on me to rock my world. She gets to make that call.
17
We all know - although BIBFAULT may not - that many women are incapable of orgasming from PIV sex only. Possibly a man with a different body might make BIBFAULT orgasm during PIV sex, but she may be one of the many who cannot. In such cases, the obvious answer is achieving orgasm through masturbation, oral sex, and vibrators, incorporated before, during, and after PIV sex. It's not clear what BIBFAULT and her husband have tried to incorporate into their sex life, but she did indicate that together they read books and saw therapists, so there is at least some evidence that he was invested in her sexual pleasure.

As such, I don't think BIBFAULT gets a pass to have extramarital sex in the quest for a PIV orgasm absent some evidence that her husband is unwilling to help her climax one way or another.

Absent that, if BIBFAULT wants to go on personal journey to find a man who can get her to climax from PIV sex only, then she needs to either get permission or seek a divorce. It is her life and her body, but that agency doesn't allow her to be dishonest with her husband.
18
@7: Really? Are you serious? For me, an orgasm is the absolut main reason to have sex - otherwise, let's just cuddle and talk/watch TV/whatever. I never had an orgasm during PIV, but can easily come during oral or 'manual' sex. (I taught my hubby how and he in return taught me how to give him a blow or hand job to get him off - after all, not every guy likes the same things either.)
19
Sick to death of Dan stating that cheating is OK. They are in a sexually active relationship. She does not have the right to continue having sex with him while also having sex with others as that violates his bodily autonomy and restricts information about his own life from him and therefore reduces his decision making.

He is being selfish if he will not play around with other kinks with her. He has been selfishly having sex that is fulfilling for him and not her for decades. He owes her, and should show a willingness to attempt all sorts of different things. If she decides also that she wants to have sex with other people, there are all sorts of ways they could do that. If he insists that he wants to maintain monogamy and she insists that she doesn't, she needs to tell him so. Being honest and respectful to your spouse does not mean you have to do what they say. It just means you can't lie to them about it. If he would divorce you because he refuses to try to do anything new in bed and also refuses to allow you to have sex with anyone else under any condition and also refuses to accept your honesty, then it's probably good riddance anyway, IMO.

All of this is easier said than done, I know that, but having sex with other partners behind her husband's back isn't going to solve the problem easily either. It's probably still going to be a learning curve and then she has a pretty good chance of coming home with an STD (a majority of people have herpes or HPV and condoms don't protect from either and neither have other sexual partners) and her husband will be exposed. Plus if he finds out later, the blow to the marriage could be much greater than if they negotiate it openly ahead of time.
20
Re: not achieving orgasm through PIV- yes we all understand that, but it appears that this vibrator-induced orgasm is the only one she has ever had in her life, and the husband refuses to do anything else. She doesn't explicitly say that he will not use the vibrator nor his hands/tongue, but I can't figure out how else she could've gotten this far, perfectly capable of orgasm by herself with a vibrator and perfectly willing to try new things with her husband and yet never having had one with him. I mean, obviously we need to ask follow up questions, but to me it sounds like "mild kinks" means him using the vibrator on her or him going down on her. What have they tried that makes her unable to orgasm when they are together? It sounds like him thrusting. But speculation here, obviously we need more info.
21
@20/EmmaLiz: “We read books, we went to counseling, but nothing changed . . . we have been unable to figure out how to get me to orgasm when we are together.”

This doesn’t sound like a selfish guy to me (although he may be), but it does sound like a couple that doesn’t know much about sex, even as they have worked on it over decades.

I've suggested some milder forms of kink, but he isn't interested.” I don’t see how a reader of Dan’s would think oral sex and vibrators are kink activities, but if so, that would only emphasize how little about sex this couple knows. And while I agree that Mr. BIBFAULT should be willing to engage in some mild kink, that might make sex more fun, but it’s not a cure for her lack of orgasms.

I feel for BIBFAULT, but I can’t blame MR. BIBFAULT without knowing more.
22
In 30 plus years neither of them has ever watched or made out before they got married was the 80's not 50's? I realize that porn is not for everyone, but there had to have been some physical attraction. They acknowledged that there was a problem and sought counseling. I am curious about just what kind of counseling did they get. I can't believe that it was from someone who specialized in sexual dysfunction. Did they seek couples counseling from their priest, minister, rabbi. Being raised not to engage in premarital sex (I am assuming that means intercourse) and actually do it usually involves a religious component.
23
watched porn
24
They didn't know what they were doing on the wedding night. What, they didn't have sex-ed in high school?
25
Sublime @17: To me, BIBFAULT's complaint did not read as that she is unable to come from PIV with her husband, but that she is not coming with him at all. I agree with Shesaid @7 to some extent, that being that orgasm during PIV is not necessary for good sex, so long as she is having orgasms with him by some other means. If he's even making the effort to get her off with his tongue or fingers, it's not working. I don't think her quest is for a "PIV orgasm," merely a partnered orgasm, of any variety.

Skeptic @24: I was a teenager in the 80s and sex ed was pretty much "this is where babies come from, and this is how to prevent that from happening." Nothing whatsoever about pleasure.
26
@24/skeptic: Many school districts in the U.S. do not have sex ed classes, and many of those that do are not medically factual and/or focus on abstinence. But even in my high school course, which showed us condoms, IUDs, and diaphragms; discussed STIs; and male-female anatomy did not get close to discussing the mechanics of having partnered sex. I think everyone is left to self-education and practice.

Mr. and Mrs. BIBFAULT are a clear example of what often happen when you don’t experiment sexually with a few partners before entering a monogamous commitment. But at the risk of repeating myself, what seems odd is that the BIBFAULTs recognized their problem and tried to make changes. If they did so solely through the religious institutions that convinced them not to have pre-marital sex, then they only compounded their problems. In any event, the BIBFAULTs still seem to lack some knowledge about sex in practice.
27
Yeah, why not toys in bed?

“But even with what I now know about my sexuality, we have been unable to figure out how to get me to orgasm when we are together”

Couples toy like the Limon would help someone like the LW.
28
@24: “What, they didn't have sex-ed in high school?”

Do you think high schools in any state covered clitoral orgasms 30+ years ago?
29
@25/BiDanFan: Certainly, if BIBFAULT is not having partnered orgasms after all these years she is justified is seeking to make changes. But what changes?

It is still very curious that none of the books they read mentioned masturbation, oral sex, or vibrators. Do we imagine the BIBFAULTs’ foreplay involves her stroking him or giving blow jobs? Or do the BIBFAULTs not have oral sex at all? If EmmaLiz is correct, BIBFAULT believes that oral sex qualifies as kink, so who knows what they are actually doing other than PIV sex.

If we imagine things are one-sided then the answer is easy. BIBFAULT needs to press MR. BIBFAULT to do things that he hasn’t to date, or explain she will find a new sex partner. But if things are not so one sided then finding the right solution is more of a challenge, and introducing new sex partners isn’t necessarily a panacea, especially if BIBFAULT hasn’t learned to clearly ask for what she needs.
30
Sublime @29: I agree, she didn't go into much detail about the mechanics of the sex they've been having, what they've tried, what she means by "mild kink." It does seem odd that books and therapists wouldn't have mentioned oral sex or vibrators. Maybe BIBFAULT is one of those women who actually cannot orgasm with a partner -- in which case seeking out other men won't help. The only thing we know for sure is that she can come with a vibrator, so the only obvious advice is for Mr BIBFAULT to stimulate her with the vibrator. I hope they've been able to make something work in the three years since this letter was run.
31
People don't learn how to have good sex or be sexually compatible from school. Schools used not to address the topic of sex at all. Women did't use to go to school. I can't believe that in the whole of human history, no couple had good sex or sexual compatibility who didn't also get sex ed. Even if sex ed included "here is the clitoris and sex should feel good," that wouldn't help a lot of people. Even if sex ed included "touch the clitoris like this," that wouldn't help a lot of people because individuals' sexual response differs. It becomes too easy to blame sexual dissatisfaction or dysfunction on improper education. The situation is more nuanced than that. There is cultural, religious, and familial body shaming. There is cultural, familial, and religious sex shaming. There is chemistry or its absence. There is an education gained through practice. And there is plain old, impossible to plan for luck. Some couples click sexually with no difficulty and they didn't need lessons from school to do it; some couples just don't, and still all the school lessons in the world can't help them. Bodies and psychologies and pasts and minds are complex systems.

Also porn as we know it now is a relatively new thing (though humans have always found graphic sexual images arousing and made them). And still, even without porn and the internet, over the millennia, I suspect plenty of people have had satisfying sex.

The entirety of human existence isn't just the last 50 years.

32
Are we sure the husband isn't trainable? They were both raised to believe a lot of bullshit, but now that they know better, she can hand him the vibrator and show him how to apply it, then move on to teaching him other stuff.
33
Sounds like she put in more than a good faith effort to make things work with the husband and that shit ain't going anywhere. Time to cheat. And I think Dan's mental framework around how she should think about cheating is a good one for her.

There is a common ethical absolutism around cheating. That basically, no matter what the circumstances, cheating is an unacceptable response. Pure honesty in all situations. That's just not reality. Life is hard and full of internal contradictions. People need their outlets and their secrets, and it doesn't mean that 'everything was a lie.'

The husband sounds like a hopelessly bad lover. Why is her only option to blow up her entire life if she wants good sex, even just once in her life? Isn't being a sexual failure with your spouse a pretty shitty thing to do to them? Why is that not as bad as cheating? And the other partner's only recourse is to either be held hostage in the marriage because of the almighty command of sexual exclusivity or blow up her whole life to seek good sex?

Yes, it is 'selfish.' Yes, it could blow up in her face in a number of ways. But there's also a really good chance she gets away with it, she gets something she needs and has never had in her life and she doesn't blow up her family. Life is messy. Given the shitty options she has, cheating seems a reasonable choice.
34
Phil @33: Ever heard the saying "two wrongs don't make a right"?
This woman's husband, presuming that he isn't even trying, is the bad guy. But if BIBFAULT cheats, that makes her the bad guy. Like it or not, society considers cheating worse than being a crap shag. There's a third way: BIBFAULT can ask for an open relationship. And by "ask for," I mean "demand." She can say, "Look, it's been 30 years, and I've asked you over and over again for what I need in bed. [Presuming that's true] I deserve good sex, and if we're not compatible, I think we should open our marriage so that we can both find other partners." By being honest about what she's doing, she raises the chances of getting what she needs and not blowing up her family. And not being the bad guy, should she get caught.
35
LW have you told your husband how you're feeling? Does he know you're frustration and worry? You say he's a good guy who loves you and if that's true realizing how lousy your sex life has been should light a fire under him to be better.

Give your husband the chance to step up and be a better lover. If he can't or won't you'll have my blessing to cheat but be honest with him first and see how it goes.
36
This woman has tried it all. As, I did. Twenty-two years of "wham bam, thank you Ma'am." He wouldn't go to counseling. I tried everything Cosmopolitan suggested. Our situation of a shared business and disabled child made divorce a probable nightmare.
I am currently cheating with a sweet, brilliant gent who does not want a serious partner. I get off. I feel beautiful. I go home and cook spaghetti.
There are worse things.
37
SA @ 26 That was a rhetorical question.
38
BDF @ 25 It may be that I was a more curious teenager or had access to more information (among other things the infamous banned books) that you didn't, but by the end of high school in 1972 I had a pretty good grasp (lol) of the fundamentals of sex and the female anatomy.
39
or more precocious. I always did prefer the company of adults to that of my age cohorts, but sadly I wasn't fortunate enough to meet a cougar
40
UAR @ 28 Again, that was a rhetorical question,
41
I always was/am an avid reader and the subject matter more than a little bit interesting
42
We also live in a small town where it would be nearly impossible to have a discreet affair. Just who is she supposed to cheat with. As DS pointed out, cheating is a logistical challenge for her. It is quite possible that she lives in the same small town she was born and raised in. Her husband may have been the best option in a limited gene pool.
43
BDF @ 34 Just how would an open relationship work in a small town (she said town not city) where everybody knows everybody else's business. Her options are very limited unless she ends her marriage and moves to some place where there are many more opportunities and options. Does anybody here think the husband would be able to accept being a cuckold.
44
Wonder @36: I'm glad you found a solution that works. Your situation seems a bit different because Mr BIBFAULT did go to counseling, not that it seems to have worked.

Skeptic @38: "Access to information" is not the same as "sex ed." I'm willing to bet very, very little of the sexual information you'd learned happened in a classroom. Yes, "The Joy of Sex" was published in 1972, this couple could have easily got hold of it if they had wanted to.

Skeptic @43: Presumably, it would work the way the recommendation for cheating would work: on the internet, with people in neighbouring small towns, in a "don't ask, don't tell" setup at least as far as third parties are concerned. Presumably she has a car; no one says her lovers need to live next door. And the husband could "accept being a cuckold" (what is this, the 19th century?) far better if he were aware of the situation and afforded the same opportunities to sow his oats elsewhere.
45
This rerun is actually pretty timely considering the news has been dominated by the revelations of men behaving badly. I don't think their major issue is that the wife isn't orgasming its that her husband shows little interest in her pleasure. They went into this marriage with the idea that he sticks it in her and gets off and sex is done. It's all about his orgasm. We still live in this male dominated society that thinks women are here to please men. This has got to stop.
46
@45
Thank you for mentioning the role that male privilege plays in marital relations. When men are raised to believe that sex is "getting some pu$$y" - it casts the matter as being for THEM. I am holding out hope that younger folks are seeing sex in terms of mutual pleasure.
47
@38-40: It wasn’t rhetorical if you suggest that anyone at the time could as easily “find out” reliable information on anything beyond the base mechanics. They knew what sex was but not how HE should give pleasure. And she was not instructed as to what she deserved.

I’m not justifying his behavior, but assuming that it’s inevitable that real world, non abstinence sex-ed would flow to anyone because you knew everything there was to know about sex as a teenager twenty years later (or whichever) seems a bit odd.
48
My actual advice is that, through a network of her friends, the LW tries to engineer for a male friend of her husband's at church to tell him that the monogamous sex God intended for us includes cunnilingus, gentle stroking and using a vibrator.

Reading the letter, I don't think that her husband sees any need to incorporate these standard forms of lovemaking in their sex life. Yes, we would all give different and more radical advice if we thought the LW was more like 'us'--more queer, more geographically mobile, better-qualified for work, more adventurous or poly. In context, however, this route might be most likely to be what will help BIBFAULT at last to have satisfying sex.
49
Oh hey, also a great recent ep of Crazy-Ex Girlfriend regarding communication in the bedroom... through song?

Probably not the best one to pick the show up on considering the arc of the season though, the first two seasons are recommended to get through first.
50
@48: So the LW lives in a repressed socially conservative and not feminist driven area and so is the husband so the next step is to corner one of the husband’s socially conservative peer, alone, and convince him to convince the husband that women are there for more than his pleasure alone?

That comes off as more implausible than other options or having a conversation with him, directly. If guilt and shame of the wife isn’t enough and he’s stuck in this mindset shaming him at church and among that’s community isn’t going to make her life better (beyond hastening a divorce.) But that could backfire as well and more likely for her.
51
BDF @ 44 Sex-Ed was a dismissive, rhetorical question and yes I was largely self taught. \
52
UAR @ 47 It probably helped that the tenets (tentacles) of organized religion never took with me.
53
I once suggested that porn should be educational. I was dismissed. This letter supports my view.
54
Her libido is almost certainly higher than her husband's. That's pretty natural, no?

I think, I would chip away at the husband. It's like convincing my little niece from the midwest that sushi is in fact delicious. I remember being 12 and thinking "Nope nope nope nope nope" but I eventually came around. Our minds are incredibly strong, they create a reality more vivid than actual reality.
55
Dan let the husband off entirely too easy. Letter writer needs to get her own sex positive therapist to work on her own sexuality, knowledge, fantasies, and sex positivity. Then she needs to use her words, or being the hubby to the therapist, to be very very real and honest with him. There is no reason he should not be willing to learn to be a better and more giving liver. Early 50s is not old. If he loves her and cares about her pleasure, if he even understands what that means, he will get past his ego and make it happen. If he isn't, then he needs to open up the relationship. And she should demand, not ask, for that. Good luck to her!
56
Sorry about all the typos, dang phone!
57
@50. UndeadAyn. The sex hasn't been good for thirty years; and it's been clear that the problem isn't with her responsiveness or lack of sensitivity for at least some time. Nothing else has worked. BIBFAULT's husband hasn't, apparently, said something like, 'well, it's great you can have orgasms. Let's see if you can have them when we're together. What would you like me to do?' or 'I guess we were such rubes. I'm sorry it hasn't happened for you in bed so far. What would you like me to do?' Instead, it would seem that he's been defensive or evasive--probably not directly nasty about it. I would guess that BIBFAULT's lack of full pleasure gets at his sense of himself as a good lover and good husband--at his self-esteem. (This is a disabling loss of self-esteem that women, usually, and gay 'bottoms' aren't subject to in the same way). Rather than challengingly revise his idea of what a good husband is, he would seem to be taking refuge in a conventional and moralised idea of sex not being that important, being only one element of a marriage, of kink being questionable or depraved or for 'people not like them', and so on.

What do you think the solution is? My solution would involve his, her husband's, being nudged in some way towards realising his marital responsibilities are fuller than he supposed. Hopefully he'll like it too! Do you think she should leave him (that she should have left him)? That she should have an affair?
58
If you go back to the original, more information was included, such as:

Husband refused to allow vibrator in mutual sex together, sex together w/o it was meh, he was not pleased she could orgasm w/o him (bc the storyline up to that point had been that she was the "broken" one and it was therefore not his fault in any way), he was uninterested in her pleasure, and their counselors had been of the churchy type (only avail where they were) which is why vibes hadn't been urged previously. LW would not be allowed to incorporate less threatening (i.e. non penis shaped/sized) vibrators either.

But a great marriage otherwise (cough, cough).
59
Sorry, but commentors are now making stuff up about the husband to justify BIBFAULT cheating.

First, BIBFAULT made clear they went to a therapist together, so the idea that Mr. BIBFAULT hasn’t been invested in his wife’s sexual pleasure is counter factual.

Second, there isn’t any evidence that BIBFAULT has told husband what he should do differently in bed. A lover can’t say, “I’m unsatisfied, fix it.” You have to articulate something you want your partner to do. BIBFAULT has been reading books on sex for years, but only just discovered vibrators? What books has she been reading? And if that reflects her knowledge of sex, than it seems hard to blame Mr. BIBFAULT for not unilaterally making changes. EmmaLiz thought BIBFAULT believes that oral sex is kinky, if so, she might not be giving any blow jobs, so she may never have discussed oral sex with Mr. BIBFAULT.

So, BIBFAULT doesn’t get a free pass, not if she hasn’t articulated what she need to Mr. BIBFAULT, and it’s not clear that she knows enough about sex to explain what she needs or how to get there.
60
@59: I mean, @58 does contextualize it a bit more :(
61
Sporty @54: As they are in their early 50s, I would expect it to be very common for the wife to have a higher sex drive.

I don't think a child's palate maturing is analogous to a fiftysomething being expected to learn new sexual tricks.

No @58: Thanks for the additional information. Sounds pretty hopeless. Assuming any kids they might have had would be grown up by now, I'd go for DTMFA as a solution.
62
@59. SublimeAfterglow. There is no way that I can see that the therapist was positive about sex and positive about marital monogamy; that he or she said 'there's a narrow problem to do with sex and I'm here to help you solve it', before pulling down a massive chart of the female genitals. The couple have not had a down-and-dirty, really specific conversation about her body. In fact, I don't think she knows her own body well enough yet to be able to give her husband guidance on what he could do orally e.g. 'lick in a wave motion, gently over my clit, then deeper to penetrate', so that she, for instance, could then run the vibrator over her hood.

They haven't done that primarily because he's embarrassed and thinks it's not his role, or that such a degree of attention to detail is a put-down, meaning he's not a good lover.

About oral sex, many women of traditional backgrounds are socialized into thinking that there's greater transgression or impropriety or 'dirtiness' in their wanting it (or wanting to explore it) than men. The onus is on him to go down on her first and to make it apparent, verbally or through noncoercive physical suggestion, that he wants some too.

My strong sense is that the right thing to do as responders to this letter is to encourage the LW to be more lovingly demanding of her husband.
63
@62: “My strong sense is that the right thing to do as responders to this letter is to encourage the LW to be more lovingly demanding of her husband.”

Rereading the original context it is clear she’s done everything within her power to try and convince him to prioritize her pleasure, something he is at complete personal odds to and feels threatened by. Thus we encourage her to find her own happiness when he denies her so.
64
@63. UndeadAyn. OK, that's the next step.

But it's a bigger step--and it's maybe harder for her to take than it would be for us. (We don't live in small communities. We aren't married to men who think that women should be happy just with blundering PIV sex. We weren't virgins when we formed lifelong commitments).

I hope she finds her happiness any way she can as well.

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