Whats in that glass? Probably Sprite.
What's in that glass? Probably Sprite. Getty Images

An unwelcome name appeared in my inbox for the millionth time today: Donad J. Trump, who, for some reason, keeps calling me Kathy. In this latest nonconsensual email, Trump asked Kathy to fill out a survey that reads more like a push poll or an attempt to get your data than an actual desire to hear from the American public. There are some very interesting questions, a few of which I'm posting here, in bold, followed by my response.

No. 23. Do you think stopping taxpayer-funding of abortion remains a priority?
HA! Aren't you supposed to be in charge of the federal government or something, you orange-colored shitbag? If you had, I dunno, done the slightest bit of homework before deciding to run for President because your show got canceled, you might have learned about the Hyde Amendment, which prohibits federal funding for abortion except in cases involving rape, incest, or endangerment to the life of the mother. But there's no Wikipedia on the golf course, so I guess you missed that lesson.

No. 25. Do you want to see more done to stop radical Islamic terrorists from coming to our shores?
Donny, it's time to turn off Fox News and read a goddamn newspaper. There are no "radical Islamic terrorists" coming to our shores. In fact, the majority of terrorists in this nation are WHITE GUYS LIKE YOU. And the few "radical Islamic" attacks that have taken place on American soil have largely been perpetrated by U.S. citizens. If I'm concerned about any terrorists on our shores, they are the kind that wears suits, donate to you, and hide billions of dollars in offshore accounts. TAX TERRORISTS, DON. That's what I'm worried about.

No. 27. Are you concerned by the potential spread of Sharia Law?
Good god, where do you get your information, BadBadMuslimsBad.com??? There is no "spread of Sharia Law" in this country, and even if there were, you clearly don't understand what "Sharia" means. It's the word for "path," you Diet Coke-drinking imbicile, as in "the path for Muslims to achieve salvation." It's not LAW, you dolt, it's a set of religious guidelines. But of course, you don't know jack shit about religion, now matter how many times you read "Two Corinthians." SMDH, Don. SMDH.

And, my personal favorite, No. 22. Do you feel that you cannot publicly admit that you support Trump?

Welp, I feel better. You too can tell the President what you think. Do your part, America.