Hello, new students! You have so much to look forward to: five terms of President Trump, robots taking whatever "job" you might want to put your learnin' toward, and a warming planet that's gearing up to fry your offspring. So, uh, take our advice and milk the fuck out of these four (or more) years of higher education.

Oh, and while you're milking it, perhaps you'd also like to figure out how to fill that brain of yours with knowledge that could help us humans be less terrible toward each other and our lovely oxygen-wrapped rock? Well, we have advice for you on that! Also, we have advice for you on how not to do that! Because we like to argue, which is another thing college will hopefully teach you how to do better.

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Should you max out your credit cards or never get a credit card in the first place? Should you experiment with drugs or stay pure and keep your mind sharp? Should you drop out or not? Should you join a sorority or fraternity, or not? Well, should you? Don't worry, we've argued about all of those pressing questions in the following pages! You're welcome.

Also on this here syllabus: how to buy legal pot from the best stores without looking like a fool, where to do the best thrift shopping, where to get birth control (or an abortion if you need to), where the best late-night coffee shops are, where to see music if you're underage, where the safe queer spaces are, and where to eat for cheap. (And if it's not already obvious, we explain all the reasons why rape is never an option.) Any questions? Put them on your teacher evaluation forms, which we will not be accepting. And now: Get to reading and good luck!

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