Recently, while visiting the Vancouver Aquarium, I became aware of the existence of a very large fish. This fish is inappropriately large.

The arapaima, pirarucu, or paiche (Arapaima gigas) is a South American tropical freshwater fish. It is one of the largest freshwater fishes in the world.

The diet of the arapaima consists of fish, crustaceans, and other small animals the sweet flesh of the pure of heart. The fish is an air-breather, using its swim bladder, which is rich in blood vessels and opens into the fish's mouth, an advantage in oxygen-deprived water that is often found in the Amazon River.

Are you listening? This superfish is not content with its underwater mud-nest! It breathes AIR. That means it could be anywhere (i.e. YOUR HOUSE). Have you checked your house for Arapaima?

To give you an idea of the size and danger of this fish, here are some scientific documents I have collected (AT THE LIBRARY, SINCE YOU ASKED):

See that catfish? The one peeing its pants at the bottom? No, you don't! Because that catfish is ACTUALLY THE LOST CITY OF ATLANTIS. (Arapaima is incredibly big!)

In closing, I would like to stress that Arapaima has a "bony tongue." Swimmers, beware the bony-tongued Arapaima.