On March 10, a friend tweeted that his first letter to you had been published. After reading his introduction (as WBAGI), I realized he was talking about ME!!!! Yes, I am that 20-something kinky young man cheating on his uber-monogamous vanilla boyfriend.

Since telling WBAI about my issue with my boyfriend, and hearing his advice, my boyfriend and I broke up. We live together, so I've since moved into another bedroom and am currently looking for another place to live. Several days after officially ending things, he and I had the "break-up" fight. Needless to say, there were some things that neither one of us were proud of, like my cheating on him, and his inability to meet needs other than my interest in BDSM. The rest of the day, he wouldn't even be in the room with me for more than 5 minutes, let alone talk to me about what he was feeling. I, on the other hand, felt a little liberated, without having to grieve or mourn the passing of our relationship.

The next day, however, he told me he loved me, and if I'd have him, he wanted to get back together with me. Since then, he's shown progress in meeting my needs, such as showing me affection, love-making, and physical contact. The subject of BDSM has not come up, but as both you and WBAGI said, I don't think I'll be truly "happy with a vanilla monogamist who grudgingly allows [me] to play with other guys."

Should I give him a chance to prove himself, or should I get the heck out of his life and build my own?

Kinky Twenty-Something

My response after the jump...

On the one hand...

If you felt no regret whatsoever about the end of this relationship—indeed, KTS, it sounds like you were downright elated—and if one of the primary reasons for the break up (BDSM) didn't "come up" when you had your let's-get-back-together chat the next day, odds are good that you're delaying the inevitable. He's coming through with the love-making, the hugs, the kisses, etc., but what about the dungeon parties and messing around with other guys? Where is he on all of that?

On the other hand...

I personally know a handful of kinky guys who dumped and then got back together with vanilla/non-GGG boyfriends, guys who are now in successful, happy, healthy, and hugely kinky LTRs with ex-vanilla, oui-GGG boyfriends. Somehow or other, KTS, lots of vanilla boys (and girls) manage to convince themselves that if they stonewall long enough—and refuse to indulge or discuss, all the while silently judging and condemning—their partner's kinks will magically evaporate.

It's only when they're dumped—or when it dawns on them that, yes, their partners are prepared to leave them over something as "silly" and "inconsequential" as sexual fulfillment—that they suddenly realize that 1. their partner's kinks are not going to evaporate and 2. [name of kink here] doesn't isn't really all that awful.

So, KTS, I'm inclined to tell you to dump him because, again, I don't think you'll be happy with a vanilla monogamist who grudgingly allows you to play with other guys. But there's a small chance that your boyfriend, now that he's properly motivated, and with your loving encouragement, could become the non-vanilla non-monogamist of your dreams, a partner who not only cheerfully allows you to go to dungeon parties and play with other guys but who wants to go with you to those parties.

If you love him, if you see some potential, this relationship might be worth the investment of another few months.