Comments

1
"Oui-GGG" would make a good title for a novelty pop song.
2
"Oui-GGG" - didn't Maurice Chevalier already sing that one?
3
Society definitely needs to bestow more approval of this. It's so enriching.
4
"Thank heaven for little girls' is just not the right tune for this show.
5
Though there's no getting around hurting the boyfriend if he dumps him, the BF will probably end up with someone who's a little bit more of a match vanilla-wise. Who knows, the BF may end up profusely thanking him down the road.
6
This guy has gotten too much advise already.
7
DTMFA and move back in when you're both old and don't care any more.
8
Loveschild, your narcissism is showing. This isn't about you or the enrichment of society.
9
I had a similar problem with Kissinger and Haig (RIP). Dan's advice rings true and worked in my case.
10
@6 You're probably right, but I love that Dan got to give him some follow-up advice. I suspect that most people writing to Dan could find some good advice addressing their circumstance in the Savage Love archives, so I support his answering letters on a whim.

Nixontapes, I was going to mention that you are also RIP, but then I realized you are not Nixon. The tapes live on. I look forward to the day when Kissinger is also RIP. No offense, I know you contain many hours of him sucking Nixon's cock (not literally, of course), but the guy's totally evil.
11
My spouse did not start out GGG at all and definitely believed my desires would go away if we just never spoke of them. It took explaining to her just how unfulfilled I was before she could even try to compromise. Now she says that, although it's still not really her cup of tea, she loves seeing how much I enjoy it when she does it. I try to meet her needs (romance and candlelight and slow dancing), but it's nice to know she wants to meet mine, too.
12
Eh, I say dump him and move out but remain friends. If he's genuinely interested in meeting KTS's sexual needs now, then he'll still be interested once he's managed to replace KTS's half of the rent every month. That'll be a good test for the relationship.
13
Whatever it is it isn't love... Just habit and coercion...
14
@13
That's just what Kissinger said about love.
15
Keep looking for another place to live, so that if you do break up, you can do it more cleanly and easily. It probably wouldn't hurt to have some space even if you end up staying together. Although I guess if you both can't afford to live alone, maybe its more hassle than its worth.
16
If this guy has mixed feelings, another month or two won't hurt. If the relationship wasn't meant to be, it will end and everyone will be the better for it.

Just don't get pregnant!
17
Having castigated WBAGI in the other thread, I can't let this pass.

Okay, KTS, here's the bad news: love isn't enough. Sorry that every love story you've heard for the last 20-something years lied to you, but they did. Here's the good news: you can make it work. As Dan said, there are successful long-term kinky/non-kinky couples (I know several). It ain't easy. Don't imagine for an instant that it is easy, it's not.

Here are a couple of warning signs that there's really not any hope: The monogamy question. Tackle the tough one first. If you can sort through this one and both be on the same page, there's a future. Gretta Christina has some good writing about the topic. If you can't, it's over. You're not compatible and you're not ever going to be. You don't have to resolve it today, but you do need to reach an equilibrium on it. AND (here's an important point that's frequently forgotten) the rules may change over time. (i.e., 19 years ago when my Daddy collared me, playing around was okay but 1) not at home and 2) only one-offs; 10 years in, I'm enjoying some things that are not first-date material, so the "not at home" rule stands, but some things you don't want to do with strangers. I'll also mention that the repeat partners are into things my Daddy isn't.)

The kink: If you're looking to be a 24/7 boy/slave/pup, you can't rewire him. If you're a scene-only sub (or you're not even a sub and just get off on whatever kink you're going to dungeon parties for), you can probably make it work. If there's nothing that turns his crank about your kinks, you're going to have a hell of a time having a fulfilling scene with him. This is not insurmountable so long as you reach an understanding of how you're going to have those needs met (and how you're going to meet his needs). The corollary for you (and this is not easy either) is to maintain your boundaries when playing with others (i.e., don't go falling in love). My standing rules: Be good. Be careful. Be home in time for breakfast (seriously, this is important to my husband--sex is one thing, but breakfast is an intimacy that belongs to him).

To your last question, You have to build your own life. Keeping the current BF in it is safe for you (and him too). There are good reasons to stay together. There are good reasons to break it off. You've both got a whole lot of growing up to do in the next few weeks. Adult relationships are messy. It's not a question of him "proving" himself to you. It's a question of whether the two of you can both continue to get what you need from this relationship. I hope you can. There's another unfortunate truth though--the past part of your relationship is over. You can build another one to move forward with, but neither of your can pick up the old one where it was a week ago and pretend it hasn't changed. If either of you tries to do that, it's not just doomed, it's utterly doomed and you should run away as quickly as possible.
18
I love how Loveschild was trying to be sarcastic. And then turns out that what it said is actually true. Society DEFINITELY needs to bestow more approval of this. It IS so enriching. Loveschild! For once I agree with you. You are quite right. Society needs to be more accepting of varied sexuality. This will lead to less repressed, healthier and happier people and relationships. Yay!
19
If he's really interested in changing, good luck. But if you think he's just placating you, and you're both taking the comfortable path rather than ripping off the bandage, go. Please go. Now

I was you once, except we drew the break-up out on and off for years.

I think you can totally meet in your 20s and grow up together and grow old together. But it's more likely, especially since gay men tend not to have the dating/sexual experience of their straight peers, that you meet in your 20s, fall in love with your 20s, figure out who you are a couple three or four times, and realize you aren't meant to be together when you start going in different directions. My first love and I went back and forth and back and forth, each time giving into each other's rules and trying to rewrite the rules.. But we were too incompatible. And I just ended up hurting him and him hurting me and me hurting myself.

I was with this guy for most of my 20s, and certainly insert all the cliched bits about not trading any of it for the world because it led me to who I am today. yadda, yadda. But we ended it just in time. I had all kinds of wild kinky fun after we broke up and we eventually came around to being friends again. Now I found the kinky awesome guy I'm with now, and my ex found a pretty awesome guy for himself. And he's still one of my best friends. But if we'd stayed together to try it "one more time" beyond the point where we finally cut the cord, we'd never have gotten back to this point.. Have the balls to cut him lose if you even remotely think you should.
20
Ah. Yet another self indulged person who doesn't have the balls to make a decision and move on with a new life. Dude, he ain't makin' you happy sexually and he hasn't brought up your desire for kinky sex. Nothing has really changed. Let it go. Move on with your life and let him move on with his. Why are people so fucking afraid to end a relationship that doesn't involve a mortgage or kids?
21
Aaah, Loveschild. Tell us, have you ever had sex in any position other than missionary and that involved any kind of oral sex at all? Or is all on schedule, once-a-month-whether-you-need-it-or-not using a sheet with a hole in it?
22
@19 Exactly and way more succinct then I managed earlier.

@20 Ending relationships, kids and mortgage or not, is tough.
23
kekekeke
yeah, "oui-GGG" really cracked me up too
24
To repeat other's comments the first time around: YOU'RE 20, FER JEEBUS' SAKE! Stop fussing around with thinking he's The Only One, move on and find someone more compatible. You've believed too many stories of fairy-tale endings for the past 20 years. They don't happen.
Next guy to be looking for, given your desires:
He likes BDSM and other sexual adventures, and wants his partner to also. In fact, he LOVES seeing you with other guys having the time of your life. You should too.
He believes in emotional fidelity but not sexual exclusivity. Too many young queers tie themselves into the het monogamy-'till-death-do-us-part schtick, until it makes them part. And it will, guaranteed- you're men.
His values about family, money, work and what's important in life match up with yours. Love is great, but it doesn't overcome huge under-lying values differences.
Finally- try to enjoy being 20 without so much angst. You'll be glad you did in 20-30 years.
25
Will in Seattle, I always lol at your Sims hot tub.
26
If they stay together, then they "deserve each other". Buck up and live a little. Besides, they are like 20? Too young to have that baggage.
27
Sorry why is Dan Savage assuming that KTS wants to fuck other guys? I thought KTS was driven to fuck other guys because he's ex-bf is a whiny little pussy that won't go all BDSM on his ass like he wants/needs?

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