You know how our current pope thinks it's totally cool when grown men touch little boys' buttholes? What a kook! Is he the worst pope ever? In this series, I'll be counting down history's shittiest pontiffs to try and find out. Join me!

Watch out, or Ill fornicate you!
  • "Watch out, or I'll fornicate you!"
Pope John XII (who poped from 937-964) seemed like an okay dude. He was descended from Charlemagne—that's pretty cool, right?—and he had a beard like a downy lamb's ass. Except oh, snap! What a dick!

He had fornicated with the widow of Rainier, with Stephana his father's concubine, with the widow Anna, and with his own niece, and he made the sacred palace into a whorehouse. They said that he had gone hunting publicly; that he had blinded his confessor Benedict, and thereafter Benedict had died; that he had killed John, cardinal subdeacon, after castrating him; and that he had set fires, girded on a sword, and put on a helmet and cuirass. All, clerics as well as laymen, declared that he had toasted to the devil with wine. They said when playing at dice, he invoked Jupiter, Venus and other demons. They even said he did not celebrate Matins and the canonical hours nor did he make the sign of the cross.

Okay. I don't really give a care about the widow of Rainier, or public hunting, or cardinal subdeacon John's missing testicles. But the rest of that shit? It's like he wasn't even TRYING! Was he high? Did someone forget to tell him he was the pope? Because I'm pretty sure that "Don't turn the sacred palace into a whorehouse" is on page one of the rule book, and "Don't toast to the devil in front of the cardinals" is on PAGE FUCKING TWO. Also, take off that stupid cuirass, John XII. You look like a goddamn warrior princess.

Pope John XII: A really shitty pope.