...Apparently had better things to do last night than win a spring roll eating contest. That's right: I lost to a Seahawk named Lawyer who ate eight spring rolls in two minutes. I guess I should've been worried about the athletes after all.

Although, in my defense, there was a last-minute game changer: it turns out we were competing with fresh spring rolls instead of fried spring rolls, like last year. Paul trained me on fried spring rolls. Fresh spring rolls are larger and stickier, you can't shove two in at a time and they take more water to wash down. It threw off my strategy a bit.

I know what you're thinking: That's loser talk. And you're right. I only ate five spring rolls in two minutes. It wasn't even enough to claim a respectable second place. The only silver lining to my abject public failure is that Brian McGuigan did not beat me—he also only ate five spring rolls. We tied, which means I can still give him shit for thinking Wii golf is a real sport, and he in return can give me shit for wearing sports bras to play Wii golf. Our balance of power is maintained.

But I am sorry I let you down, Paul. It appears I am no prized race horse; I'm just a girl with horse-like features and very healthy gums.