Comments

1
First, ask him if you can take some pictures of his ass.
2
chances are he'll probably say "oh those? i already saw those on the internet, great pics!"
3
Yep, tell everybody, including the new BF. Once the genie is out of the bottle, there's no putting it back, so the only thing you can really do is damage control.

And by the way, not all people are assholes. I have shit-tons of photos of various exes, and not a one of them has ever made it to the Internet. Nor will they ever.
4
...stalker?
5
people.
it is always a mistake to take those pictures.
ALWAYS.
everybody turns out to be an asshole eventually.
6
better to discover that now, NIC, ... thAn to have those pics and your history hanging over your head for the rest of your life.

You do wonderful work, Dan, and have made my (sex) life remarkably better. If you type, though, there will be typos.
7
Should you tell him? Yes.

Should you show him the online pics, which will only remind him that other guys are lusting after your bits? No.

Guys don't respond well to that. They say they do - but then they get all squirrely about it, and eventually find some excuse to DTMFA.

Never give details. Not the ex-bf's name even.
8
Nothing that a baseball bat to the hands and kneecaps can't fix.
9
Two London gentlemen are in a club. On the arm of one of them is a beautiful lady.

The other gentleman says to the man's woman, "Madam, you are so fantastically beautiful. Would you sleep with me for 1000 pounds sterling?"

The woman blushes, and says "Why, I'm flattered!"

Then the gentleman says, "Well, then, would you sleep with me for five pounds?"

The Lady's face changes to a frown and she says angrily, "Sir, just what do you think I am?"

The gentleman responds, "Madam, we've already established what you are....now we're merely haggling over the price..."
10
Why the hell is your facebook profile visible to complete strangers?
11
@9: What the fuck is your point?
12
Solid advice as always, Dan, but "judgment" is not spelled with the silent E.
13
Sounds like he's a /b/tard
14
@10: No no, someone (that is, the ex) posts the pictures on some account and then tags her in them. You can untag yourself from a photo if the tag has a direct link, but it gets a bit laborious. And he could just be putting her name on there without linking, which will send the creepers directly to her without much of a way to stop them.
15
There's an option in Facebook where people can't tag photos of you, add them in. It may be a little annoying, but turn on that privacy setting for a few months. This will pass.
16
#10, #14:

I think he is linking from some image forum to her profile.

Even if the entire profile is not public, you can usually still see their name and default picture, like this guy http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=5…

At the very least you can send them a message or a friend request, which is all she ever said was happening.
17
People. He's NOT tagging her. He's posting it on other websites and linking it to her profile.
18
Excellent advice.
19
@12: Some return pedantry for you: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Judgement

Good advice from Dan. I would also suggest thinking about whether those pics were a horrible, youthful mistake you'd never repeat, or fun and harmless (except the POS) and something you would do again (with someone you came to trust). It's likely to come up in the conversation.
20
Never take those kinds of pictures. Never.

As NIC demonstrates, the long term downside risk far outweighs the momentary thrill.
21
There's plenty of other leaps of faith you can make in relationships that don't involve causing lasting indignity to yourself long after the relationship is over. I'm afraid the state of the internet shows that exes simply cannot be trusted with these things. So many websites seem to be nothing but amateur photos of people who I'm positive were taking them as private intimate moments and didn't consent to be put online. The sheer volume of it proves that its depressingly common to have asshole exes show these things around. Even if your ex isn't the one who posts it, he shows it to his friends and they're the ones to do it. I've seen enough guys pass that sort of thing around.

I may have risked taking pictures with significant others back when I was young and trusting and stupid, but I won't do it now no matter how much I love and trust someone. It doesn't last.
22
Doesn't extortion usually involve going to the police?
23
Just a little side note to the straight boys.

This happens a lot. Your ex girlfriend is pissed at you. What does she do?

She posts your naked pictures at websites aimed at gay guys.

Some of you are quite nice looking, by the way.
24
My prediction: Eventually, 90% of people will have participated in amateur porn and it will no longer been seen as a big deal. Bit by bit we've been chipping away at the puritanical attitude towards sex for the last 50 or so years. This is next on the chopping block.
25
Seriously, seek a lawyer. This is akin to sexual assault and harassment. No one has the right to distribute your private photos without your consent.
26
@23: not the same. First, there is the unfortunate fact that, in our sexist culture, male nudity is far less stigmatized than female nudity. For example, a man can strip to his waist in public without being arrested. But secondly, and most importantly, men (well, at least SANE men) who have been thus "outed" may be embarrassed, but the won't walk around in constant fear of being sexually assaulted by creepy Internet stalkers.
27
@ 19, I'm sorry, are we using British spelling rules now?
28
@26

I never said it was the same thing. If you re-read my comment you'll notice I called it a side note.
Unrelated, but useful for the straight boys to know.
29
@27: I do. As do my neighbours, no matter what colour we may be.
30
@24:
Yep. Unless something dramatically changes, we all can look forward to being able to find out a shit-ton of info about anyone on the internet, including what they look like naked.

The internet doesn't like privacy.
31
@24 You are obviously not a parent. If you were you'd know that your children would be mortified and traumized if they or their friends found explicit pictures or videos of you on-line. You can also forget any future in politics and your career options and prospects will be effected. Many employers are checking the blogs of current and prospective employees. People have been fired for what they've posted.
32
Vengeful fuckers that post stuff they shouldn't need to be beaten with lead pipes until they're severely brain damaged. One bad apple spoils the bunch and now because a few asswipes betrayed their exes' trust, women everywhere are saying "I'll never do that no matter what never ever never!"

Beaten with lead pipes. At the very least, they should be soundly rejected for anything by all women for the rest of their lives. Even pros should turn them down. Fucking losers.
33
@27 - yes.

We're speaking/typing English, so they get to make the rules.
34
#27 - the internet is international. Both British and American spellings are valid. Insisting on American rules is as silly as insisting on British ones.
35
@ 34, so Dan's being cosmopolitan? Here I was, thinking he'd committed yet another sloppy typo on SLOG. I stand corrected.
36
@23 Roadtripboy.....your comment made me laugh! At least she didn't post your coordinates on that App that helps gay guys find hookups...
37
Matt from Denver.....obviously, all the Canadian readership is rubbing off on Dan, hence the British spelling...yes, that must be it.
38
#29 I bet you don't use British spelling at all. You use Canadian spelling.

Unless you write realise, recognise, finalise and aluminium, instead of realize, recognize, finalize and aluminum, you're not using British spelling, period. Or as they'd say, "full stop."

39
@22 & @25
A lawyer and the cops. Violation of copyright at a minimum. Stalking? Harassment?
40
NIC said when “she” took some sex pictures, but not when the relationship ended or the circumstances under which the relationship ended. Presumably she gave the pictures to the ex. She also didn’t state the nature of the “extortion” (money, sex, whatever). If the relationship ended three or four years ago why is the ex (assuming it is the ex) motivated to seek revenge now, what’s changed since the end of the relationship. She says “I'm sure it's the ex but can't prove it” and then she claims that it has escalated to extortion. Extortion usually entails a demand for something that has to be communicated (I’m assuming electronically) to the victim. If so, forget the police and go to the Feds, facebook, website, etc.
This joker has probably left an electronic footprint that can be traced. Reputable social networking sites do not like being used by extortionists.

Everyone seems supportive of NIC, taking her statements at face value. Personally, the only conceivable thing that would motivate me to act in this manner would be if I found out abruptly that she was a lying CPOS. Not that she is, but at least the behavior would be somewhat understandable, if not justifiable. Another possibility is the ex has lost it and needs professional help. Sane people do not abruptly become extortionists. I guess I’m just trying to understand what his motivation is. Key information has not been provided.
41
@40: Uh, what? Even if she had cheated, those pictures and the relationship that went along with them are from years ago. Water under the bridge. Anyone who would do the things the ex has apparently been doing (after all she said she isn't sure it is him) because an ex cheated on him years ago, is still a psycho and NIC is still the victim here. It's not her job to understand his motivation for doing this.

I do wish she'd provided more details about the extortion thing though. If he is sending messages to her, it's possible she can throw the book at him.
42
I am in the middle of a great book called The Gift of Fear, by Gavin De Becker. It should be required reading for everyone. He is a security expert who is regularly consulted by governments, celebrities, and regular folks like us. The book talks about a similar scenario, and he STRONGLY suggests a complete No Contact Rule. Each contact (even answering the phone and hanging up when you hear it's him) is a win for him. Completely and utterly ignore him. You can contact police, etc., but they are just going to warn him, and it will become a war he will feel he needs to win. He wants to get to you someway, somehow. Even negative attention is attention. Screen all your calls, or get a second number which you can give to people you want to talk to. Change your outgoing voicemail on the original number to be a blank computer voice, so he won't get to hear YOUR voice when he calls it. Save the voicemails on that line from him, in case you need the info. Do NOT escalate, do not take the bait. Just ignore him as thoroughly as humanly possible. The case studies seem to prove that each contact increases the harassment time by an average of six weeks. If by some chance you do speak with him again, stay calm. He's feeding on your anxiety and uncertainty; they give him power over you. Make him state explicitly any "or else" scenarios, as in "I don't understand, tell me what you mean by that," and keep your phone recorder on if you do have to speak to him. Oh, and just delete your Facebook account, as well as any online blogs or online picture accounts you might have. He can easily create a friendly-seeming female Facebook profile that you might then "friend" and he has access to tons of personal info. You can live without it. Don't have any online info about yourself anywhere that he can get his "fix" from. Good luck, and get that book and read it!
43
Well, this is reassuring in one sense, but not in others...her judgement could plausibly be okay with regards to the ex. http://consumerist.com/2007/05/the-10-pa…

Basically, tech support doesn't take an oath to do no harm--there were shady employees who used to copy all photos off a computer, even ones people thought they'd deleted. (This was a big scandal for Best Buy at the time, but honestly, they probably couldn't put in measures to stop it entirely, and it'd be entirely unsurprising to find it was still happening.) So...if she or her ex had copies of her naked pictures on a computer they took to an unscrupulous tech, her pictures could've gotten out that way instead. Finding her name, given that the tech had the computer, was probably not very hard.

It's more likely it's the ex, definitely. I'm just saying it's possible it's not. So...one more reason not to take naked pictures, people.
44
Sorry, the shortened version of that link: http://bit.ly/aZp6we
45
Clearly, this is the moment for the LW to change her facebook privacy settings so that only her friends can see her profile, search for her, tag her in photos, etc. I can't believe she hasn't done this already, but some people really don't understand the settings.
46
This reminds me of a joke that's probably older than I am.

First Guy: "Psst . . . Do you have any naked photos of your wife?"

Second Guy: "Why, no."

First Guy: "Want to buy some?"
47
@40 & @41: She says she took the pictures in 2006; she doesn't say when the relationship ended. It makes no difference in determining the ex's asshole quotient--extremely high--or the illegality of extortion. It just means that she may have taken the pics years before the break-up, which may, in fact, be fairly recent (but probably dates from before this past January).

Tell everyone. Tell the cops. Trace the perpetrator's electronic footprint. And never, ever take naked pictures again.
48
@42, that stance cannot be stated enough for people with psycho exs. I wish I had read a book like that years ago instead of only recently figuring it out on my own.
49
@38 I have a copy fo the Oxford English Dictionary sitting next to me, and 'realize', 'recognize', and 'finalize' are all listed as the preferred spellings for those words. And yes, it is called British (or UK) spelling, even if it is used by people in Canada or Australia.

50
NIC is focused, possibly obsessed with her ex and is effectively accusing him of extortion even though she says she can't prove he is responsible. Did she breakup with him or did he breakup with her? Is he the pyscho ex or is she? Did she store the sex pictures on her computer or digital camera and was that the source of the compromised pictures? By being so focused on her ex she may be putting herself at risk from a stalker. I'm not taking any position because I have no clue as to the true situtation. I'm just posing some other possibilities.
51
A woman and her husband are having dinner in a fancy restaurant when another much younger beautiful woman comes up to the husband, kisses him full on the lips and says "I'll see you at the Four Seasons later, Darling."

The wife is aghast and demands to know who that is. To which the husband replies: "Oh her. That's my mistress."

The wife then says she wants a divorce. The husband says "Fine. But you should know that if we divorce you signed a prenup. There will be no more vacation house, around the world trips, new cars every year, furs, jewels, etc."

Right about then the man's business partner comes up with a lovely young woman on his arm and introduces her as his mistress.

After they leave the husband asks the wife what she thought of that.

Her reply: "ours is prettier."
52
@51, WTF? Why did this thread seem like the right place for your lame "joke"?

Please wait...

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