A fresh submission to I, Anonymous:

Are you talking to ME?

You. The one that was yelling out the backseat window at me and my lizard. What did you say to me? I have a little bit of advice for you, young lady. When screaming things at pedestrians from backseats of cars, ENUNCIATE. The only thing I can figure you said was either "You're the neatest person in the world" or "You're the meanest person in the world."

If it was the first one, thank you. I am pretty neat, and my lizard is pretty nifty, too.

If, however, it was the second one you screamed at me, do me a favor and shove a splintered two by four up your well-worked cunt, you self-righteous animal rights douche-nozzle. I assume you were talking about the fact that I was carrying a large reptile, and that somehow, I was mistreating it by keeping it captive. Well, I'll tell ya, that lizard means more to me than anything in the world, including the opinions of PETA-worshiping prats like yourself. I rescued him from an abusive home when he was just a wee hatchling, and I plan on keeping him until he's a good five feet. I feed him hard boiled eggs, porterhouse steaks, ground turkey, ALL the best things a carnivorous reptile like him could want. Ask ANYONE who the sweetest, calmest, most affectionate lizard around is, and they'd point to mine. That's right, MINE. I rescued him from some dimwitted dipshit who was feeding him dry dog kibble and chasing him about his apartment. I massaged his semi-paralyzed legs until he could walk again. I rubbed his belly and gave him warm baths until he could properly digest REAL food again. I STILL have to help him poop, because of the care he received before me.

Little miss prissy pants, take your animal rights bullshit elsewhere. Or at least have the fucking balls to stop the car and say something to my face, not shout pathetic jabs out the window as your car speeds merrily away. Fuck you, cunt. Unless I was mistaken, of course.

(50 bucks says the female commenter said "neatest," and was being ironic.)