This is a problem? I'd rather talk about bonobos.

Why does the grinding have to be clit-to-clit? I get off grinding my clit against my husband's thigh; I think lesbians have those too, right?

Re finding people while traveling out of town, I think you should give it a try. Like 1 says, you could set it up ahead of time with craigslist, AFF, and similar sites. Or you could just go to a dyke bar, and relax, sit back, watch the babes. Maybe you won't kiss anyone the first time, but you probably will by the 5th time you go. Isn't the point of "opening up the relationship" to add adventure and excitement? How are you going to get that by following your same old script you know so well? Also, I suspect your girlfriend may be getting some action in town when you're out of town. The way I read your agreement, she may think that she gets to do that, on a technicality: You are out of town, so both of you get to kiss other people. If you don't think she's allowed to do that, you might want to double-check your agreement.

I second putting an ad up on craigslist for her destination city. Even if she's just putting up an ad saying she'd like a makeout partner for the night or weekend or whatev, she'd probably get a few responses depending on how big the city is. Of course they won't necessarily be dykes (odds are it'll be a bi girl, based off the CL scene where I live), but for just a bit of random play, does it really matter?

Didn't Dan suggest a book a while ago? A Tristan Taoramino (sp?), something about opening up relationships. I've always thought when/if I'm starting an open relationship, that'd be the first place I'd go.

@5, I didn't hear the original podcast to which the OP was responding, but why focus particularly on genital-to-genital grinding? Is it about achieving simultaneous orgasm? Too much stress, in my book, compared with taking turns ... Is there some distinction between "dry humping" (which is plenty wet in this girl's experience) and "grinding" that I'm not getting?

All this talk of clit grinding reminds me of a really really good lap dance I once had.

I agree with Dan: these rules are not workable in their present form. They seem to be set up to discourage you from taking advantage of the terms of the agreement. You need to discuss the underlying cause of that.

First, which one of you is pressing for opening the relationship? From one angle, given the practicalities that you lay out, I'm guessing it's her wanting a free pass while you are away. You don't sound particularly eager to act on the possibilities. (Though maybe you would be if you were the one staying home?) Or, from another angle: maybe you are the one who likes flirting with the local crowd of friends, and she doesn't like that. So she gives you permission to go do things while away: a) out of sight out of mind, the friends aren't involved, and stories won't spread; and b) she knows you aren't likely to take up the opportunity anyway, because strangers don't turn your crank. So it's permission that isn't really permission.

Second, why tie it to being out of town? Unless you are gone for long stretches (I'd say two weeks at an absolute minimum), I don't see why it would be easier to emotionally handle knowing your partner is going to jump on the chance to snog someone else while you are separated, over just having an occasional night out away from your partner. Maybe that feels less like rubbing their nose in it -- what happens in Vegas stays in Vegas, and all that -- but if anybody is inclined to feel like their nose is being rubbed in anything, then you have a problem, independent of travel considerations.

@6 - "Opening Up" by Tristan Taormino

@6 and 10: Opening Up is ok, but I found The Ethical Slut to be far more helpful in actually addressing some of the problems that come up in an open/poly relationship. Opening Up felt more like an introduction to all of the different kinds of open relationships that exist, rather than a practical guide on how to make open relationships work for you.

Okay, I think I read the question differently than everyone else (including Dan)... I read the question to mean "I'm not great at flirting with new people, any tips?" as opposed to "has my evil girlfriend ensnared me in an openness Catch-22?"

@12 - so did I... hm...

On re-read, I agree with MythicFox @12. EricaP @3 had a good suggestion, which is valid if the writer goes to the same cities repeatedly. She may just have to work at striking up conversations until she starts to feel more comfortable flirting with people she just met. It may just be a matter of practicing.

I could see it going either way. I was just struck by the fact that the way they have structured their agreement, it tends to operate in a way that doesn't appeal to her. Maybe she wants to figure out how to adapt to it, and maybe she will be successful at adapting, but why not adapt the agreement?

"evil girlfriend" is overstating the case.

Can I say that "Dear Prudence" had a better sex question than Savage Love did today? This CPOS sent a (naked but faceless) photo on Craigslist to a guy that turned out to be his father-in-law. The mother-in-law and wife now know that father-in-law was trying to have sex with some guy, but they don't know it was him. Wife keeps asking mother-in-law to show her the naked guy pic, and the writer is trying to decide whether to tell the wife or hope she doesn't recognise his body.

http://www.slate.com/id/2262562/

Damn, I wish Dan was the one answering this CPOS.

The Craigslist ad is a potentially bad idea. I can only imagine the countless responses she'll weed through from pervy straight guys (and curious bi-chicks) looking to take advantage of who they'll perceive as a naive out-of-towner.

It might be better, if she were to place an ad, to seek out a "bar buddy" to hang out with and show her around town. If she has chemistry with the woman who responds to the ad, there's a good chance of a hot make-out session.

There's also the likelihood that her new bar buddy will have an entourage of friends to choose from. She hasn't put any expectations for herself on her new bar buddy, she's free to relax and get to know several people at once and make potential new friends for the next time she's in the area. Best of all, she can find the woman she hits things off with the most and suck face till last call.

There are web sites around the country that are outinnameofyourcity.com, with the nameofyourcity part being whatever city it is. From my experience with my local one, there are a lot of very real lesbians that surf there. It's a different way than craigslist, and much more likely to result in meeting an actual real-life lesbian.

@17 I'm sure it would be something about monogamy being unnatural and impossible.

@5: Indeed, straight people do engage in non-penetrative genital-genital grinding/humping, and it is totally hot. :-)

@12: That was my read too, though I think "tips" can also cover tips on how to structure the openness in a way that does work without needing to up the pick-up game.

@20: *sigh* Just in case you're not simply being glib, Dan doesn't claim monogamy is impossible, just that it's extremely difficult for some people, a struggle for many people, and only easy for a minority of the population.

@15: I was being facetious with the "evil girlfriend" comment, given the "OMG she's trapping you with the rules" theme of the responses thus far (including Dan's).

@21: You do make a very good point.