Perhaps you can assist a devout and adoring reader in making a decision here. I'm 22, tall, blonde, liberal and hold a B.S. degree. I am bisexual, GGG and significantly kinky. My boyfriend is 40, liberal as well, intelligent and very successful. We've been in a monogamous relationship (my first relationship ever) for the last 6 months.

Before the BF, I have always been very sexually free—I'm used to friends with benefits, and have never been interested in anyone enough to consider a relationship. My carefully chosen FWBs are generally kinky, rough, and younger—like 25-30. So here's where the shit storm starts: my boyfriend is very gentle, engages in little if any foreplay (besides grabbing a jizz towel), and although he says he's willing to "learn" how to enjoy giving and receiving pain, being rough, etc., my efforts have been met with nothing from him. I've almost cried during sex more than once out of frustration. The fact that I'm not particularly physically attracted to him from the neck down does not help the matter. Two weeks ago my sex drive mysteriously disappeared. I no longer fantasize, masturbate, or have sexual thoughts throughout the day.

The problem is that I love him, and he thinks he can give me what I want. When he's tried to reciprocate in bed, it's so slight and gentle it almost goes unnoticed. I want to laugh, then cry. We're sexually incompatible, and he's very serious about this monogamy thing. I could never just DTMFA: We're fantastic as friends and have a lot in common intellectually. Help!

Futureless, Or Incredibly Lame Effort Dispensed?

My response after the jump...


You rule out DTMFA'ing the dude and perhaps that's understandable. It doesn't sound like he's a motherfucker, FOILED, and you don't want to hurt him. But it's clear that he's not the right man for you.

Sexual compatibility matters in a LTR—particularly a monogamous one, particularly if you don't wanna spend the rest of your life feeling dead from the neck down (no fantasies, no desire to masturbate, no sexual thoughts whatsoever). I wouldn't want someone to stay with me if I made that person feel the way this man makes you feel (or not feel). However much it'll suck to be dumped, however painful in the short run, if this guy as a good and decent a dude as you make him out to be, he'll recognize that you weren't meant for each other and you two will be fantastic friends.


You describe this man as "very successful." If you're hesitating to end this relationship—one you've invested six lousy months in, one that clearly makes you miserable—because this guy is filthy rich, well, you won't get much sympathy from me. But you will get a song:

You think you're miserable now, FOILED, but just wait until you're a 70s rock cliché. Then you'll really be sorry.