i ain't saying she a gold digger

Oh yeah? I see your centerpart girl and raise you Shirley BASSEY making love-a to the camera:…
wait until your a 70s rock clichรฉ.


Oh for heaven's sake. You're 22 and dating a 40-year-old who you aren't sexually attracted to? Get the fuck over yourself and move on. Unless he's a completely self-deluding jackass, he's going to dump you in 2-3 months anywas once he figures you that you're uninterested in anything between his neck and his pocketbook.
"until your a 70s.."
More grammatical blundering, Dan?
@#4- here's hoping he meant the song and not the lady
I suspect this is a fake letter. If it's not, I volunteer to be her domme on the side.
Dan's right, FOILED. All the things you list as reasons to stay with him are reasons to be FRIENDS with him, not reasons to be in a RELATIONSHIP with him. Tell him to either get rough with you, start paying attention in bed, or get out. The first G in GGG is GOOD, and he has a responsibility to be GOOD for you.
Max @1 for the win. 'Nuff said.
is there a dilemma here? got any good freudian mail for us?
Dan's right. Your BF isn't a bastard, but he clearly isn't right for you. This relationship is doomed. You're kinky; he's vanilla. You'll never be happy together. Break it off as gently and gracefully as you can, and move on.

If you don't, you'll end up cheating on him in a few years, and the end will be much uglier.
Dan has posted several letters from younger women who are trying to stick it out with people they don't want to fuck, or at least I've commented on a couple in the last year or so. He apparently gets lots of letters like this, so I would like to say this loud from the rooftops, and maybe the stranger should just make a banner and hang it from the side of the office : Don't be a sucker. If you don't want to fuck someone, you don't want to date them.
I was married for three years and ignored my vag when it told me six months into it to throw in the towel because I was 23 and trying so hard to be in a relationship. People are told over and over through our culture that being coupled up is the way to be a real, whole person, especially for ladies. FUCK THAT NOISE FOREVER. You are a whole person no matter what, and sticking it out with an old guy you think is gross from the neck down (not that 40 is old in the grand shceme, but to this 22 year old in her first relationship, yeah, it's obvious).
Don't DTMFA, just break up with him as honestly and quickly as you can, and if you can stay friends, cool. But don't sweat it, there are tons of cool peeps in the world you aren't going to be friends with. Evs.
Then go be FWBs with a ton of hot dudes and wait til you find someone you think is hot, rich, intelligent and who you like to have sex with. And don't stick around cuz this one has money. Barfo.
Hm, that was a little harsh: it's certainly partially his fault for not following up on his promise to try to work with you sexually. If you feel like you have a lot invested in this relationship, then I'd say it's maybe worth putting down an ultimatum: either he puts some serious effort into learning how to fuck you properly -- starting now -- or it's over.

Understand that the age difference is seriously working against you here: it's entirely likely that he was brought up in an environment where it was drilled into him that "nice" girls don't really want this sort of thing, and it's not at all impossible that he's starting to hit the male middle-aged sex drive decline. You're quite likely going to have to drag him kicking and screaming into the 21st century: expect to have to employ teaching aids and possibly some viagra.

(But really, you're way too young to be dating someone you're not actually sexually attracted to.)
You don't sound like you communicate very well. Try that for a change. Just come right out and say what you want. Be assertive!
It's wrong to be dating someone you're not actually sexually attracted to at *any* age.
I'm with Doctor Memory @14.

It is time for one last plea for change and for him to work with your kinks, making it clear that if you can't get satisfying sex there, you're going to have to find it elsewhere even if it means breaking up.

Good luck!
@ 1: I AM saying she's a gold digger. One of the supposed turn-ons for some women is security (I suspect we are all wired that way, but straight men tend to be too proud to admit it). She's probably flattered at the attention and the trappings of a highly successful man.

How much will a person trade for security?
I'm really glad she mentioned being tall and blond.
A 40 year old dude dating a hot, kinky 22 year old knows that he's a stunt fuck. If he's the least little bit shocked when this "relationship" ends, he hasn't been paying attention for the last four decades.
Understand that the age difference is seriously working against you here: it's entirely likely that he was brought up in an environment where it was drilled into him that "nice" girls don't really want this sort of thing, and it's not at all impossible that he's starting to hit the male middle-aged sex drive decline. You're quite likely going to have to drag him kicking and screaming into the 21st century: expect to have to employ teaching aids and possibly some viagra.

I have to disagree with this. 40 is not that old if you're making even half an effort at eating right and getting a bit of exercise. I'm 39, just a year younger than this guy she's dating. I'm having more sex, better sex, and far kinkier sex at 39 than I did at 29, and 29 was still way better than my barely existing sex life at 19 which was super-duper extra vanilla.

What happened? I've got a partner (going on 3.5 years together) who's a great match in the sack and hornier and kinkier than anyone else I've ever been with. I'm not a hardcore kinkster, but I ramped it up considerably (light bondage, role-plays, talking dirty, sex toys, sex outdoors, visits to sex clubs, and a bit of non-monogamy) at the ripe old age of 37 and I've been loving every minute of it.

This is a bad match, not an age problem.

@19- HA! I was thinking the same thing.
#1 FTW
They need to break up. Both of them are going to become miserable. He obviously knows that he's not sexually pleasing her (Unless it's been common in his past for women to be on the verge of tears while fucking them) and she knows that she's not going to be sexually pleased. It's only a 6-month relationship, be thankful that it wasn't a 6-year relationship.
@ 20. Exactly. Her illusions of control are darling.
@19...also, the fact that she has a BS is totes germane to the issue at hand.
A "tall, blond, liberal" kinkster who is fresh out of college can probably do better than a 40 year old with a beer belly and a skullet who never wants to fuck.

On the other hand, 22 year old women who are easiliy convinced to be monogamous and who stick around for the generousity of a successful and intriguing older man are a dime a dozen.

They are both replaceable. Dan is right, be friends. Hopefully this wise older man can realize this enough to let go.
@16 You nailed it, cold. And, in that wrong, can hide a host of sins that others have hinted at, including gold-digging, insecurity, and who knows, daddy issues?.
Most gold diggers just fuck around behind their sugar daddy's back. Why'd she ask Dan for permission to do it?
To the OP, not too long ago I broke up with somebody who was cute, sweet, SMART, funny, and one of the neatest guys I've ever met. There were multiple reasons but one of them was what you said: below the neck, not working for me. Every now and then I wonder if I should have stuck around longer than I did, or if I didn't try hard enough, or whatever, and then common sense prevails and I say, you tried, it wasn't working, you got out while you still liked one another.

Knock this on the head, now. You don't have to DTMFA. You can kindly and tactfully say that you like HIM, but the US isn't working for you--a lot more honest than the stock thing of "it's not you, it's me," and a lot more honest to yourself than sticking around and dating him because you feel like you should or you don't want to hurt his feelings.
F. If you're a hot tall blonde younger woman dating a rich 40-year-old, you know exactly what you're doing. Close your eyes and think of England you skank whore, just like your mother and grandmother did.
Who knows if she's a gold digger?
Who cares?
Dan's right: he sounds like a good friend (which he probably doesn't want to "just" be with this tall, blond, liberal, bachelor-of-sciences goddess).

Not attracted from the neck down to someone who shares none of your kinks and even sounds bad at vanilla sex (really? his idea of foreplay is to grab a jizz towel?)--cries then laughs when she has sex with a man who doesn't even understand how to deliver on her kinks when he's "trying?" Recipe for breakup.

He's not a motherfucker, FOILED, and you don't have to "dump" him, but you *do* have to be a grownup and breakup with him nicely but honestly and let him find the monogamy-loving, vanilla girl he wants while you go on to date and fuck and maybe even fall in love with someone more compatible.

He probably won't want to be friends at first, but check back in with him a year from now and see if you can't be friends--platonic friends.

FOILED, many of my friends and I married our versions of this guy (albeit closer to our own ages): NOT ONE OF US IS STILL MARRIED. But once years have gone by and youth is gone and resentment sets in and KIDS ARE INVOLVED, it's a much bigger deal to break up. Do both of yourselves a favor and let each of you find a compatible partner.
I don't see why everyone is so sure that she's a gold digger?
She says that they are fantastic as friends and have a lot in common intellectually; she doesn't say "Ooh- I don't want to give him up cause he's rich."
So she threw in the descriptor "very successful." She also calls him "liberal" and "intelligent."
And she's clearly into labels, describing herself in ways completely irrelevant to the issue (even the age difference is somewhat irrelevant). So "very successful" is just one more attribute, like her being tall or blond, that she feels the need to include.

That's the only thing I think could indicate that she's a gold digger. But some of your are so bloody vitriolic without even having reason . . . sheesh!
Erin nailed it. Get out, get laid, get happy, and eventually get a guy who you're happy with, attracted to from head to toe, and who is rough as all get out. Not sure about the rich thing, but that's up to you.
What will all the grammar pedants do when there's a spelling reform? They'll have no one to talk to about anything. Maybe they'll write songs about the difference between their, they're, and there.

That no one will listen to.
Oh god, if only I'd had the wisdom to write to Dan Savage when I was 22. Instead, I moved in with the guy (also 18 years my senior), suffered sex that was about as exciting as watching grass grow for three and a half years (and yes, the half counts; oh, it counts), fucked someone else for a while, felt tremendously guilty, and spent another two years hating myself for doing it.

Girlfriend, learn from my mistakes and run for the hills. It ain't gonna get any better.
Luke @35: Your use of the word "pedants" disqualifies you to comment about the Grammar Police.
FOILED... ahhh yes, been there, many times. You found a man who had some great qualities, and now you want him to be all kinky and rough, so that he is the PERFECT man. The thing is, honey, it's not going to work. He's not kinky at 40, and he doesn't seem like he wants to try being kinky (never mind rough), so you think you can get him to do it anyway?

You're being a little bit greedy, which I understand perfectly, believe me. I've been frustrated with many relationships because the man was too vanilla or submissive for my tastes, but I was feeling all in-love and committed. The problem was always me; I wanted him to do more kinky shit AND to also feel or feign enthusiasm for the kink, but it wasn't really fair, was it? Now, I chose partners based more on sexual compatability, and let relationships develop where they can.

As far as the age difference? At 22, I met many kinkily-perfect 40-year-olds. That was kind of my "type" in college, since I liked men with lots more experience. I guess that age difference is perfect for some people, but you sound like you have more in common with your younger, rougher, FWBs.

Bottom line: You're trying to change him. That's not nice. (Sorry to be harsh).
Yeah, what they all said -- leave him as nicely as you can. I made the mistake at about your age of marrying a guy who was good in many ways, but didn't do it for me in the sack, and this type of thing really does get worse. That's not necessarily something you know in your 20s, but it's a real phenomenon. Also keep in mind that at 40, his sex drive may not have taken a dip, but it will happen to him relatively soon; all the men I know who are in their late 40s-early 50s say that their sex drives started to change at about 45, and by 50 they still want to have sex, but not nearly as often (and they often need the pills to keep it up). If you stayed together for a long time, you'd be reaching your sexual peak just as his sex drive was starting to wane, and that will be even worse.
Or... you could just take charge of the situation. For fucks SAKE!! Chances are he is waiting for just that.
Anyone who makes it to 22 without being in a relationship is broken. There is something seriously wrong with you. If you had said "I play d&d and have ache" I wouldn't write you off because you could be a good thing in a bad package... however you think you're the shit (I have my B.S. and I am tall and blonde and way better than this loser) and yet you have NEVER had a relationship??!!!!!!?!- you are either busted or damaged goods. You want an open relationship because you can't handle intimacy- not because you've earned the right to have a healthy open relationship. You have to go through all the hard shit- the break ups, the pain, the heart ache, the jealousy, the heart BREAKING, the shit you learn IN RELATIONSHIPS before you can come close to being part of a a healthy open dynamic. Your first step is to stop blaming others for your bullshit. Then try to make it work with one person. Then try that again and again. You have to earn adult responsibilities. Earn them by paying your dues. NO MATTER how old, how pretty, how responsible, how educated, or how much better or responsible you think you are, there is NO way around experience. Do this guy a favor and dump him. Find yourself a nice D&D playing, acne ridden kid who lives in his mom's basement. You don't deserve him. Good luck growing up.
It may sound harsh, but I agree w/ taxidermist #41 100%. Dan was way too easy on the kid.
@41, 42: What the fucking fuck? 22 is not especially old, and she says herself that she's had plenty of FWB but "never been interested in anyone long enough to be in a relationship." Not everyone is wired to shack up and have babies at seventeen, and we're all luckier for it.
@41 That's some bitter sounding stuff.
Erin's got it right. FOILED, you're working toward a place in your life where you find someone you want to be with for a long while. This is a good time to figure out your priorities when it comes to finding that person. You've just discovered that "boring in bed" is a dealbreaker for your vag... it should also be a dealbreaker for you! Get out of this relationship and fling yourself into the dating scene - finding someone who's got what it takes to satisfy you in bed, conversation and taste will take a while, but it is so worth the effort!
Also, taxidermist, let me guess - you are unreasonably proud of the teenage trainwreck relationships that scarred you for life and made you the "mature adult" you are today? Christ, not everyone has to couple up on the same timeline. Turn up your nose at people like FOILED if you must, but keep your weird baggage to yourself, would you?
Toronto Star follow up story: "Viral video in Leslieville is not what it seems"…
Whoops! wrong thread! Sorry!
My goodness, planned barrenhood, <3 for you. I've heard enough blanket statements of "open relationship means you're insecure!" to go ahead and declare it yet another cliche. (But really, it's just another tired iteration of "if you're not in a socially-accepted relationship THERE IS SOMETHING WRONG WITH YOU GET IN ONE NOW.") I have no idea why one would require "the pain, the heart ache, the jealousy, the heart BREAKING" before one could graduate to, uh, empathy and honest communication.
I just wonder why she found it necessary to describe that she was "tall, blonde, liberal and hold a B.S. degree" - what's that to do with anything? To describe what a prize she is? I noticed she didn't include any physical description of her partner, so does that mean she feels that although he's older than she is, he has little to offer someone else? And what kind of "GGG" person "wants to laugh and then wants to cry" - a good person wouldn't feel that immature desire to giggle, not when it's someone they care about. No, I guess we're supposed to recognize that she's incredibly hot and shouldn't feel bad for ditching her older boyfriend since he's obviously not as hot as her or as talented in bed. Sheesh! The fact that she's not been genuine about her reactions with him (he wouldn't be talking LTR unless he felt they were a sexually compatible match, which she's been deceiving him about. A man wouldn't continue having sex with a woman he knew wasn't satisfied, especially if he views her as a trophy type. What's the point of continuing a sexual relationship if she's not satisfied? My thought would be he'd get out, pronto. So she's been deceptive,)

If you're incompatible, move on.
Congratulations, you have a bachelor! Welcome to a giant, bloated club of unemployed people who never should have been there in the first place.

Ok, we get it. You're a catch. Just tell him you're not compatible sexually, life is too short to be this unhappy, and go back to your awesome FWB-crammed, tall, blonde, 22-year-old existence. I mean, seriously. If this isn't that good, and your previous ways WERE BETTER, what's confusing here? You might lose a good friend. Shit happens. You may not understand this now, but nobody gets *everything* in life. You'll feel fine later.
I want to date commenter #21. Seriously, Tom Winter, you sound lovely.
"The fact that I'm not particularly physically attracted to him from the neck down (OK, except for that bulge in his back pocket) does not help the matter."
I'm also a bisexual girl who dated a lot, but didn't have too many relationships early on. I finally got to a point in my late 20's where I was sick of the FWBs. I'd had many years where it was pretty easy to find fun no-strings sex and flings, but I was starting to wish I could have a LTR relationship. I didn't care too much about society's expectations, I didn't have shame about my casual sex - but it was like a fast food restaurant around the corner (very tasty, convenient, but not good for my long-term plans) versus a gourmet chef living in my house.

I found myself dating people in their mid-late 30's, though it wasn't a concious choice (and I was definitely not a gold-digger - in fact, the power/financial imbalance made me a little uncomfortable). They were happy to be in a steady relationship, and the attention and companionship they gave me felt so nice. I wasn't that attracted to them for various reasons, but I kept trying to convince myself that it was as good as it was going to get. I could hook up with a hot stud for a few weeks, or I could settle down with a nice, smart, kind person - but I figured I would never find hotness AND stability, friendship, great conversation, etc. in one person.

I dated each of them for longer than I should have, and I know I broke at least one heart pretty badly. But I am now SO glad that I broke up with each of them. Two years ago, I met a guy (just happens to be about my own age), and we are madly in love AND lust.

I am seriously having my cake and eating it too. I wake up every morning thinking, "Hot damn, that boy in my bed is hot. How did I get so lucky?" Then he gets up and makes me breakfast and we read the paper together.

Not to say that the letter writer's situation is exactly like mine. But I share my story to encourage her: Go! Break up with him nicely, and get back out there! There ARE other people in the world that will be an awesome fit for you, mentally AND physically. Plus, you've got plenty of time to find them.

And gay guys shouldn't just start dating other gay guys: they have to date many, many women and go through painful breakups before they can "earn the right" to have the type of relationship they want.
Answering this letter with that video is GENIUS! My GOD, I love you, Dan! I laughed from my gut.

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