First, the good news: the woman who was blogging about her efforts to leave the Mormon Church—"Like it or not," she was told when she first tried to tap out, "you can't just quit"—has been officially "removed from the membership records." She was told the process would take years and now she's wondering...
Everything I had read illustrated very specific steps in which the church would make sure you truly wanted to quit. Yet with me, they jumped straight to the conclusion. Part of me wonders if someone contacted them, informing them of my devious plot to blog about the process. Maybe they just knew I was a lost cause, that they wouldn't get me back. Maybe they ran out of banana bread. Or maybe, with the economy, they can't afford the man-hours needed in saving a wayward soul.
A Las Vegas man injured while performing submersion baptisms in the name of the dead has sued The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints for medical expenses. The civil suit filed Wednesday in Salt Lake City's 3rd District Court claims Daniel Dastrup suffered severe back injuries, including a herniated disk, after performing about 200 baptisms at the LDS temple in Raleigh, N.C., on Aug. 25, 2007.
The lawsuit contends the church was negligent in failing to warn Dastrup that the repetitive nature of the proxy baptisms—bending, lifting and twisting—could result in physical injury.... Dastrup, who now lives in Las Vegas, claims he has suffered "a significant permanent injury that substantially changes his lifestyle," including damaging his relationship with his wife.... In the documents, Dastrup claims the proxy baptism ceremonies required him to immerse young men and women under water. He claims some of them weighed up to 250 pounds.
The only appropriate response to proxy baptisms are proxy buttfuckings. If they're gonna bend, lift, and twist the non-Mormon dead, then I'm gonna bend (over), lift (legs), and twist (tits) of dead Mormons. (Live ones too, given the chance.) Last night I proxyfucked the shit out of a couple of Osmond ancestors. None of them weighed even close to 250 pounds. I require my dead Mormons to be fit.