Submitted last night to I, Anonymous:

To all the stoners out there that give dealers like me paranoia: Please read and follow the following (its only common sense):

1) No texting blatantly explicit text messages. Use a metaphor if necessary. This can be fun, get creative if you need to, but don’t be stupid or overly obvious. Even a simple “Can we hang out?” is perfectly acceptable. If for some reason you cannot fit what you have to say in a small text, or it’s too difficult to say through a text, then simply ask me to call you. We can always talk face-to-face. Nothin’ like good old-fashioned two-way communication.

2) Come over alone. NEVER bring anyone over I don’t know without first talking to me about it first. If you want to introduce me to someone, this is fine, but it must be financially beneficial for me to meet them. I don’t want to meet some “friend” who calls me only once every 10 days from some unknown number for a little 40 sack just because you are sick of them calling YOU for the same measly thing. It’s just completely unnecessary and very stressful for me.

3) When coming over, make sure you know where I live, what to buzz and how to get here. It only takes doing it correctly once to (hopefully) get it down forever. If your memory is as shitty as most people’s who come over, then do yourself a favor and program my apartment number and/or call box number into your phone under my name in whatever category my actual telephone number isn’t. In addition, if you are at all confused about what apartment I live in, then CALL ME. Don’t just try to open some random door you “think” I live in. If you don’t have a cell phone, or your battery is dead, walk your stoner ass back to the front gate and buzz me again. It will ring up to my apartment, I will answer and you can ask whatever questions you need to make sure you get to my place without disturbing any of my already angry neighbors with giant sticks up their asses.

4) Don’t expect to get hooked up if you buy a 20, and don’t expect me to answer your phone call if you ask for a 10 or a 15 or even a 17 for that matter, its just as insulting to me as it is pathetic for you to ask. 20s can be acceptable if handled correctly. I, personally, would take the apologetic approach and maybe bring my dealer a beer or two and explain why I am making him/her get up off his/her ass for a sad $1.50 profit. I understand times are tough but this should not turn into an everyday occurrence.

5) When you leave, put whatever you bought in your pocket and leave it there until you get at least a block away. Don’t pull it out on the elevator to check “how much I hooked you up” or “how chronic” it is, don’t pull it out on the stairwell to pinch a nug out of your best friend's sack, please just be respectful and wait until you are about a block or so away to do whatever you’ve got to do.

Following these 5 simple rules will not only ensure my existence, but also my capabilities to HOOK YOU UP. Thanks.

Live and learn.