I kind of agree except you could condemn him to isolation. If he chooses her over you, he'll be alone and you will have lost your friend to the depths of hell. I think he must know what he's in for already.
Vince, he's going to end up there anyway if this keeps up. Yep, confront him, and the sooner the better.
Man. That totally works.

Oh, wait.

Nope, all it will do is make the guy want to marry her more.

MYOB. Dan blew this one big time.
Best man...yet it doesn't sound like you two have talked together in ages. Given your estrangement from him I wonder, if you open with an ultimatum will it carry enough weight to put him on the spot? Maybe you could open with a conversation engaging enough to give you a better sense of why the fuck he's thinking of going through with this. I mean, "he owed it to her"? For what, passing her an STD?
Cheers to that!!! One of my good friends married a horrible woman 8 years ago. None of us could stand her - she is hands down one of the all time meanest people I have ever met. She's almost a caricature. We didn't try hard enough to stop him - we caved in to the ideas that he's an adult and he can make his own choices, he knows what he's getting into, he has to learn from his own mistakes, blah, blah, blah. Here he is, 8 years and one kid later, nearly cut off from his friends and a mere shell of the person he once was. We still hope he will come to his senses one day but none of us are holding our breath. It gets harder every year as their daughter gets older.

She routinely humiliates him in front of his daughter and his friends (when he gets to be around them). She withholds sex (seriously, if he's telling the truth they've done it like three times since they got married). She has threatened him with physical violence and dismissed his pleas of depression and suicidal thoughts with a wave of her hand and an, "I can't be bothered with your little problems."

Nearly every time we (his friends) get together we express regret over not trying harder. We tried to talk to him, but we should have and could have tried a lot harder.

Do it. Even if you ultimately can't save your friend from himself, you won't be left kicking yourself for not doing everything you could.
@ 1...The friends aren't condemning him...his personal hell is his own design. How deep into hell he chooses to go is also his choice. If he chooses to marry this POS after his friends warn him, then that is his issue. I agree with Dan. Take responsibility for your own lives people!
You know the part of the wedding ceremony where the priest asks if anyone thinks the couple should not be married, and says "Speak now or forever hold your peace"? That line is in there for members of the wedding party, or family, who know shit like this. So MBFW can follow Dan's directions now or wait until that part in the ceremony to say something, but if he doesn't do it he's falling down on his duties as best man.
@7 - That part in the wedding is a little late. Just would make him feel super awkward and chances are it's too late for anyone to really change their mind there.

Dan's right, talk to him now, and be forceful.
GREAT response, Dan. It's so much better to be pro-active and call out that girl's shit when she says it. All the best friend needs to do is sit back and watch the fireworks and pretty soon he'll realize that he's an idiot for wanting to marry a girl because "he owes it to her". WTF is that all about ?? Condemning to isolation? No - it's passive aggressive. Call her out as if she's part of the group. It's the only way It'll work.
@7 actually, it was put in there so that if the family had caught up with the bride robber, they could claim her back. and any husbands whose property she was.

marriage wasn't such a nifty thing, originally.
You know the part of the wedding ceremony where the priest asks if anyone thinks the couple should not be married, and says "Speak now or forever hold your peace"? That line is in there for members of the wedding party, or family, who know shit like this.

Huh? Come on - does anyone really do that, outside of in cheesy romantic comedies? Talk to him ASAP, _before_ they blow several grand on a wedding ceremony, please.
"Because I owe it to her" is a terrible, terrible reason to get married.

One of my best friends thankfully just got out of a ten-year relationship with a mean, manipulative and emotionally abusive woman that, you guessed it, I and all of his friends hated. Had they ever gotten engaged (he asked but fortunately she said no), I would like to think I care enough to have the type of confrontation that Dan describes here. This guy needs to lay it out there and be honest with his best friend.
I got married to a CPOS a while back. People that knew didn't say a word to me, and people that had reservations didn't mention them.

I really wish they had. I really wish somebody had told me what a mess of my life I was making.

Luckily, I found out only six months in what was going on and was able to end things before any houses were bought or kids were born.

I support Dan's ruling 100%.
I have never been at a wedding where they asked if anyone had any wasn't in my vows. Of course, we had some pretty esoteric Theosophist vows, but seriously, anyone seen that actually done?
@14, I've only heard the question asked in jest.
It's a tough situation. I have friends in a similar situation; I pointed out how much I could not stand the GF at the beginning but was ignored and told I didn't really think what I said I thought. Fine, whatever, your decision, chump.

Now they're split and the former GF is distraught and really confused because she's lost people she considered "close friends and family." Leaving aside the fact that GF can't read social cues and can't tell when people are just being polite, all of these people who are now telling GF they won't be friends anymore essentially LIED for the entire time of the relationship was still intact.

Go on record, at least. Make it clear that a mistake is being made, for both of their sakes. If she thinks her behavior is acceptable, she's liable to be shocked in 5 years when her man gets his balls back and she finds out none of his circle of friends (and, presumably, family) like her. Ever.
How about arranging a viewing of "The Hangover" and having all his best friends agree that his fiancee is EXACTLY like the horrible woman the dentist's character wants to propose to? If they make it good-hearted, yet earnest, maybe he will listen.

And yes, your integrity depends on calling her on her racist and culturalist BS. Each and every time. Make her defend it, logically and calmly. She won't be able to.

Also, absolutely every chance to you get, throw in "Well, you know, you do owe it to her." About EVERYTHING. CONSTANTLY. Make it a catchphrase regionally if at all possible.

Then play "She's No Lady" by Lyle Lovett, where he sings, "The preacher asked her and she said 'I do.' The preacher asked me, and she said, 'Yes, he does too'. The preacher swore, 'I pronounce you 99 to Life. Son, she's no lady, she's your wife.'"

If all that fails, then you gotta straight up just say the words, "Dude, you're about to marry a horrible person." Then, truly you have done all you can.
Shortly after college, one of my best friends in the world got married to a guy that not only could none of us stand, but as far as we could ever tell she couldn't actually stand. (Just for starters, she was primarily if not exclusively attracted to other women.) As far as we could ever figure out, she was getting married because she'd been raised Catholic and once you graduated college, you got married, and that was it.

What followed was predictable: four fucking years of having to take her regular (weekly if not daily) over-the-phone meltdowns about the horrible state of her life. By the time she actually got it together to divorce the moron, she was not only no longer my best friend but really not any kind of friend at all: I'd burned out all of my sympathy receptors.

If you actually care about your friendship with this man, tell him now. Maybe he'll wake up and DTMFA, but if he doesn't and he cuts you out of his life, all that means is that you'll have saved yourself a lot of time and agony.
The guy's reason for wanting to marry her reminds me of a friend of mine. She says she's marrying her fiancé because "it's what she has to do since she wants to stay with him." Then she criticizes me for not being engaged yet, ugh. Thankfully, the guy she's marrying is actually a great match for her and not a racist, controlling, psycho. Here's hoping the friend in this letter comes to his senses about his bride to be. When he gave that reason for getting married, I wish the writer would've said, "but do you really want to spend FOREVER with her?"
Having been faced with a similar situation and taken the coward's way out, I agree with Dan wholeheartedly.

The reason I didn't say anything was that I didn't want to risk losing my best friend. Guess what, MBFW? I lost him anyway. Women who are like this will remove their husband's friends from his life, because those friends represent a threat to her control over him. Be prepared for your messages to be "forgotten," your emails to mysteriously vanish, and for their sudden decision to move to a completely different part of the country. I've seen it happen with several of my friends and relatives. This type of relationship follows a predetermined script.

So given that you'll lose your friend if the wedding goes forward, you have nothing to lose by being honest with him.
@5 - I have a similar story with a good female friend of mine marrying a total asshole (belittling her career plans, alienating her from friends, generally being a douchebag, etc.). We tried (a little), but wish we had tried harder. Though, even when confronted with evidence that he had definitely lied to her and potentially cheated on her, she didn't want to face it, and just carried on. So, I don't know how much good it would have done.

Sometimes people deliberately blind themselves because they can't see a different path, or they're comfortable enough, or they're afraid of change...
I seriously considered doing this a few years ago, but it turned out not to be necessary...happily, I'd misjudged the partner-to-be initially. Now they're quite happy, as far as I can tell.

I did consider what it would mean to speak up, though. The biggest risk of speaking up is that the friend will get pissed and will move ahead with the marriage plan, but without his best man. And he may never be seen again by MBFW. The biggest risk of not speaking up is that he'll get married, and MBFW won't want to see him because seeing him means seeing that bitch. Either way, a friend is lost.

Hopefully this happens: MBFW (and friends) speaks up, the friend gets pissed, a big fight ensues, MBFW and the friend don't speak for a while, the relationship ends, and the friendship is stronger for it.
I don't know what a person could possibly offer to overlook everything he listed, but it's possible her personality defects don't tread on what the groom-to-be values most. Definitely lay it out for the guy, if he's with this sort of woman, it's likely he's the the kind of guy that needs to be told what to do.

Calling his buddies the Hee-Haw gang also kinda made my day.
If he's a decent guy, someone also needs him to give some honest examination to why he's marrying her. "I owe her" sounds like BS... who thinks like that? Maybe he's insecure, and that's real... but doesn't justify the hell he's about to chain himself to.

I'm with the SPEAK NOW! crowd, for sure. Neither you nor he has anything to lose, considering what will happen eventually.
As someone who has lost a great friend because I confronted her regularly about her shitty emotionally abusive boyfriend I fully support Dan's recommendation.

I got lucky, when she finally got out of that shitty emotionally abusive relationship (a few years later) I got my friend back.
@20 - Good points, but remember that women don't have the monopoly on this type of behavior (controlling via isolation). In other words, I might have said "People who are like this...
@26: Yes, that's a fair point. I was specifically thinking of my friend, my uncle, and my (male) cousin when I wrote that, but I've seen the same pattern play out with a (female) friend and a (female) cousin as well.
I've yet to see friends' or relatives' concerns about a shitty girlfriend/boyfriend taken seriously. Dan's advice about confronting the bitch on her shit is sound, especially since the letter writer is likely about to lose his best friend anyway, so who cares what she thinks, but, in my experience, criticizing a friend's significant other never, ever works.

The best possible option is to try to get the guy to accept that he deserves better and to make it clear that the letter writer will always be there for him, even after the fiancee/wife forces him to drop contact for ___ number of months or years.
Now, see, keshmeshi actually gave some useful advice there, which is what Dan should have said, if he didn't have his head so far up his ... cunt.
I was in a similar position once. The woman was a foreign national and it was obvious to every one but my best friend she was only marrying him to get a green card. His sisters elected me to break it to him. He laughed in my face and his family laughed at me after the fact. She abused him from the day they were married and filed for divorce the day after she got her green card. I don't see him any more and his family never speaks of it. I'm with #3
Dan got the end wrong- the worst case scenario is not that you wont have to hang out with the CPOS fiance, but that you will probably lose your friend entirely. A friend of mine got engaged to a complete d-bag (and definite closeted right wing republican) and we staged an intervention with all of our friends. She listened to us and totally agreed with us and then shortly after we all moved away (it was the end of college)- she slowly started cutting off communication with all of us. She ended up marrying the douche (none of us were invited) and 5 years later she is a prominent conservative blogger against gay rights. And I lost one of my best friends. The only light at the end of the tunnel is to wait until he runs for office (which he will on an anti-gay platform) and use all the info and pics I have of them to bring his campaign to a halt! Ha!
Refusing to be best man is a great way to get the point across.

I know it's hard. My girl friend was in an abusive relationship and it (as @18 put it) burned out all of my sympathy receptors. All I could do was sit and half listen or drink with her and do nothing because she knew, we all knew, that it was wrong. And when she got married (in vegas), I wished her the best, that I truly wish it'd work, and if she need to get out that I'd be there for her, but I couldn't be part of it anymore. And I left. That's what you need to do now - tell him you wish him the best, but you will not participate in this emotionally abusive relationship. and leave.
Cunt punt?
also good advice,@32. but it still probably won't work.
I'm w/@28. Speaking up won't change yr friend's mind. So expect to lose your friend. But you should still speak up, and you should def not be the best man (def hypocritical if you don't like the bride). Maybe you shouldn't even attend the wedding. And if you lose your friend, so be it.
@3 Except it doesn't even sound like he wants to marry her in the first place. "Because I owe it to her" sounds like some shit she planted in his head.

However, you're right in that confronting his friend about it is the wrong move. Instead, the LW should goad her into saying some ignorant shit (e.g. suggest getting some Vietnamese/Mexican food) and when she does, cut loose. The goal should be to get the groom to see for himself how awful she is, because just telling him isn't going to drive the point home.
I really really wish I could save friends from this (though, heck, sometimes I can barely save myself) but in most cases I've seen.... they DO know what they're getting into. Why they continue the relationship, or heck PROPOSE and marry the person involves some deep down psychological stuff that even friends can't address.

I think the best thing a friend can do is state his opinion (gently but firmly, because sometimes the friend might ACTUALLY be wrong... my ex-bf told his best female friend he was cutting off contact with her because I'd demanded it, when I'd done no such thing, and in fact was ENCOURAGING him to respond to her messages), sit back and listen to the ensuring chaos, and (hopefully) still be around to pick up the pieces.
I used to date a woman and both her parents were shrinks. We were having dinner with them one night along with another friend of theirs who was also a shrink. My GF was having a hard time because her best friend was involved with a guy that she didn't really dig. They were going to get married, etc., and she didn't get to see her that much anymore.

In response to this dialog, the shrink friend of parents said something that has stuck with me for over twenty years now: "The thing you have to understand is that she must like the person she is with this man better than she liked the person she was before she met him, even if you don't like this new person as the old person she was before she got involved with him."

My GF was tempted to do as Dan suggests and tell her friend about her misgivings. Ultimately, she opted not to do it. Her friend married this guy. A few years later they got a divorce. Had she confronted her before the wedding, I can guaranty that it would have destroyed their friendship forever. As it was, they maintained a friendship of sorts, during the course of the marriage, and after it ended, things improved again and my GF got the benefit of the friendship as did her friend (who really needed it).

People usually ask for input from their friends if they really want it, and when they do, there are diplomatic ways of getting them to think about things without telling them their bride to be is a witch. Direct criticism of somebody's partner almost always just turns the bearer of the news into the villain as the other two people circle the wagons.

I can think of at least one other situation where a friend was tempted to confront another friend about their choice of mate. Ten years later, this couple is still together, with a family, and what appears to be a good relationship. This mate is now well liked by the friends who wanted to caution their friend against marrying this person.

Back around the time of the shrink friend conversation above, my GF's boss said something that has also stuck with me for a long time: "If your friend gets involved with somebody you don't care for, you'll try to maintain a connection with them for a while, but eventually things will just grow apart. That's just how it always goes."

I believe that these two pearls of wisdom are interrelated. Often the person we like as a friend may not like themselves that much. They have created a persona that they use to deal with us. And we may believe that it is really who they are. But actually, it is, at least in part, who they think they need to be so that people will like them.

When they find a person who makes them feel good, their persona may shift, and it may seem like they have become a different person, a person we don't like as much. But actually, we may just be seeing them clearly for the first time.

In this context, before coming in guns blazing, it's important to make sure your motives are pure. Are you mourning the loss of this person who wasn't what you thought they were? Or are you really trying to "help" them, even though they didn't ask for your help in figuring this out?

If you don't suspect physical abuse, I think it usually makes more sense to myob. Everyone has their path to take and their lessons to learn. Some people's paths are not in a straight line, and involve being married to the wrong person. The odds that unsolicited input from third parties is going to change the outcome over the long run is not very good. Probably, even if they don't marry this person, they'll seek out another person like them and marry them instead, because there is something they need to learn (or not learn) from that experience to get where they need to be.

I guess for me, I appreciate the friends who have been patient enough to put me on a long leash while I figure stuff out for myself. Sometimes that takes a long time. And as a friend, that may be tantamount to losing that friend, at least for a while. But I've been surprised how often things have a way of coming around.

Often, that person does finally dump the problem partner and they are very relieved at that point to find out that they still have some people who will take them back in as friends.

Sometimes, the friends realize over time that their friend's choice of mate actually did make sense. They start to see a different picture of their friend. Maybe some of it is a little disappointing. But maybe other aspects emerge that make this person richer, more interesting, and if one is willing to try and view them with some empathy, more of the person they wanted to be (even if that person isn't exactly who you, as a friend, might want them to be).

If you push things up to a confrontation, there's a good chance you will never get to find this stuff out. To me that seems like a shame.
I'd be careful about calling out her shit in public, especially when the doomed-groom is around. She'll manipulate him into a fight with the poster ("you know I'm not racist, defend me!").

Talk to him alone, get the other guys to talk to him alone, and for damn sure make sure none of you go to the wedding if this fool ignores you all.
I think this difficult situation calls for a poison pen letter, a lot of them. He'll read them in privacy, no one will be there to accuse. He will contemplate the evidence and make a decision. If he goes ahead then friends should go to the wedding 'cause that's what friends do.
Everyone here has a really depressing view on this. My friend was in a pretty bad relationship with her ex, and by talking to her- not an intervention, but by talking to her about things that were bothering her, and admitting that although I didn't like her boyfriend, it was more important that she liked him and was happy in the relationship, she was able to come to the realization that she shouldn't be in the relationship anymore. You can talk people out of relationships, but only if you're willing to talk to them, and approach the subject in a way that doesn't make them feel defensive. Don't tell them "Your s.o. is a cuntfaced dickhead." tell them "You and your s.o. seem to have really bad communication problems- what do you feel about that?" then, when they tell you it's not a big deal say something along the lines of "but communication is important in relationships..." then, explain why. Conversations like that have the ability to allow people to change their minds about relationships. You can't force someone to break up, but you can help them understand why the relationship is bad for them and help them work out what they should do about that.
true, @ 39 - my husband insisted that i resist the temptation to call my friend's awful wife out in front of him and/or a group. (see post #5 if you are wondering about the back story). his point was that such an act on my part would further humiliate him - in front of others but most significantly in front of her. It would send the message that he really can't fight his own battles, and what's worse, everyone knows it. and while that may be true, no good can come of publicly spotlighting it.
"This is where the party ends/'Cause I feel like a hypocrite talking to you/You and your racist friend"

TMBG said it best.
My ex insisted on marrying a horrible woman. We had been broken up for a year, but had continued a kind of casual sex/friendship scenario for a time, and I was part of his support system in caring for his son. We became strictly friends as he embarked on the new relationship. There was evidence from the beginning that she was a liar and manipulator, among other things, and I begged him not to marry her - not so he could be with me but mainly so he wouldn't screw up his life or his son's life.

My other guy friends said "Well, of course he married her. You told him not to."

Nine months after the wedding, after I had cut all contact off with him, I got an email from him announcing their divorce after she had tried to get him to put his son into foster care. It basically concluded "You were right. I was wrong. I'm sorry."

Dan's advice is good in that you'll be on the record. But it won't stop the wedding and will likely end the friendship. But maybe, after he's married her and slid into the 9th circle of Dante's Inferno, your words will be remembered and galvanize him into action.
It's unlikely that your friend will listen or choose your friendship over this woman.
You may lose a friend forever, and you will definitely lose him for the duration of this relationship.
If the marriage lasts, you wouldn't have been able to stomach seeing him with her and it sounds as if he doesn't get to do much without her,so you've "lost" nothing you weren't going to lose anyway.
When (or if) the marriage fails, he may come around with a "Dude, should have listened to you" and you can renew the friendship.

But you need to tell him and you need to refuse to be his best man, as that would be acting a lie. Ultimately, you're not doing this for him, but so you know that you lived your life with integrity. If nothing comes from it, you will know that you tried.

You should do it carefully and gently, though. It's going to be a blow and he's going to get defensive. And tell him that you'll still be his friend, in his corner. Maybe he'll remember those words when he comes to his senses, although that would not be the time to say, "I told you so." And if he defends his decision, stays friends, doesn't leave her and whines, bitches and gripes endlessly, you'll have another decision to make. But cross that bridge when you get to it.
I've only read two-thirds of this thread so someone may have already pointed this out, but if not===you're best male friend wanted to go see Glee in concert because of his crushing on Lea Michele? Don't tell me! It was her fabulous show-stopping Don't Rain on My Parade Barbra tribute that sent him over the edge?

Dude's gay, dude.
I've only read two-thirds of this thread so someone may have already pointed this out, but if not===you're best male friend wanted to go see Glee in concert because of his crushing on Lea Michele? Don't tell me! It was her fabulous show-stopping Don't Rain on My Parade Barbra tribute that sent him over the edge?

Dude's gay, dude.
I've only read two-thirds of this thread so someone may have already pointed this out, but if not===you're best male friend wanted to go see Glee in concert because of his crushing on Lea Michele? Don't tell me! It was her fabulous show-stopping Don't Rain on My Parade Barbra tribute that sent him over the edge?

Dude's gay, dude.
Uh, are there still such creatures as webmasters? Cuz the very act of signing up to comment on this site posts your comment three times in a row, thus making you look like a douchebag from the get-go. Well done!
on behalf of myself a few years ago, please, please, find some way to tell your friend that he shouldn't marry her, and that you don't support it.

I came waaaaay too close to marrying my ex few years ago because I felt like I owe it to her. thankfully I didn't, and I'm glad for it.

(and no matter what happens, it's for the best - either his relationship with the girlfriend will end - which is good - or your relationship with him will end - which is good, because you don't want to be friends with this guy if his life is going to end after the altar.)
@46-49: Don't sweat it, man. We're a surprisingly mellow bunch most of the time. Unless you really are a douchebag (cf. Will in Seattle), and then it's a different story.
"Should I also tell you that my friend wasn't allowed to watch Glee in concert?"

No, you shouldn't, because if you're really his best friend, YOU wouldn't let him watch Glee in concert either.

Otherwise, yeah, she sounds like a miserable person but it's tough to truly get into anyone's head when it comes to relationships. You say you don't know if he's happy, but what if he is? Maybe there's something you don't know.

I'd try asking him before you start railing against the fiance.
@38: I hadn't read your post when I added my comment, and now that I have, I almost want to take back my earlier view.
You're right about quite a lot. And unsolicited advice rarely is heeded or appreciated.

Many years ago, my friend was dating a guy I didn't think was right for her. I was on the verge of telling her that when she discovered she was pregnant and plans for a quick wedding ensued. I decided to keep my mouth shut, as they were obviously going to get married, there would be a child involved, and what was the point in alienating my friend (although I did refuse to be in the wedding party, I chickened out as to the reason why).

Then I tried to hope for the best. As the years went by, and my friend seemed happy, and as I got to know her husband a bit better, I thought, "well, not who I would have chosen for her, but obviously it works for them." I was glad I had kept my reservations to myself.

Then things soured. My friend really needed a friend, and I was glad that we hadn't broken up over her choice of mate. Eventually (19 years later) she left him, because of all the things I had objected to originally, but never told her. Throughout that difficult time--the last two years of the marriage--I was her support system. Since I hadn't alienated her by telling her what a mistake she was making, she never got angry with me, and our friendship survived beautifully even throughout her marriage, and was her bulwark when it failed.

So I don't know what to say. Sometimes you gotta do what feels right at the time.

In the case of my friend, I didn't hate her bf/husband, just didn't think he was the right guy for her. It doesn't sound, however, as if this is the letter-writer's perspective. If he thinks she's a witch and not just not the girl for his friend, maybe he owes it to himself to speak up. Otherwise, he can hope that he doesn't know what his friend needs as much as his friend does.
I said the same thing in response to a similar Questionland query and I got jumped by crazed inclusionists. WHO'S LAUGHING NOW, BITCHES?
Hmmmm.... I fell out with a very good friend by doing what Dan suggested, and it wasn't until the very, very ugly divorce was over that we patched things up. If I had a chance to do it again, I think I might keep my mouth shut.
#38 - beautiful comment. Thank you!

Funny how we never hear from the people who don't stay friends with the friends who have said they don't like the partner. Anyone out there like this? Did your friends intervene on your relationship/impending marriage and you decided to cut them out of your life? If so, why? Are you still in the relationship or not? Are you still not friends with your friends or did you let them back into your life?

The problem with Dan's advice is that it could make the friend hang on to his fiance even harder, and it would give her a really good reason to isolate the friend so that ultimately, he has no one. MBFW, yes, go to his place of employment or get him at a time when she's not around and just be honest: "I am concerned about you in this relationship because it is NOT healthy. I don't like how she treats you and you do not deserve to be treated this way. [he may not believe this, however] I miss X about you, and doing Y with you. I am not trying to break you two up [he may read it this way] - I am trying to say you have a choice. I will always support you and be your friend. But I am concerned for you if you ever want to talk." This is not about a character assassination of her, like how racist she is. This is about his well-being, happiness and choices. Most likely he'll say "Yeah I'm fine I'm still going through with this" but this is all you can really do. You can't make him do anything. You can only express your concerns and your support and be a friend.
Strongly disagree: he had five years to let his opinion of her be known. Right before the wedding isn't the time. Just be the best man and never see them again. All you're going to do is create drama, he'll choose her over you anyway.
Will it make a difference if you tell him? Because if not, you are just removing yourself as a friend.

One of my high school friends married a jerk, and we all thought he was a jerk. A few years later they had an unpleasant divorce. A few of us told her that we'd never liked the guy, and felt sorry about not saying anything at the time, but she assured us she would have just cut us off for rejecting her beloved, and that we'd been right to wait it out.

Of course, if we COULD HAVE warned her effectively, we could have saved her some pretty unpleasant years. So you have to decide on the likely consequences of your actions, and only you know your relationship with your friend well enough to gauge that.
MBFW - You have to read this:…
This is really true, realistic advice. Yes, in a perfect, ideal, TV episode world, Dan's advice works. In the real world, see Veronica's advice in the links.
Here's another, similar one.…
Dan's advice is dead on. Tell him how you feel when you are alone, don't take part in the wedding and definitely call her on her racist comments. Letting sexist, racist, and homophobic comments go by without comment implies tacit approval. The bigots among us should know that the rest of us feel differently.

I have been in this position and though it was difficult, standing at the altar with her and pretending to celebrate would have been far worse.
@38 wonderful comment.

@56, that's me. Though I haven't cut anyone off for making their doubts about my relationship known, I have distanced from those people. Because it's my fricking choice, I'm an intelligent person, I know more about my experience than anyone else and it irritates me that they don't know that. Other people's business is unfathomable. Yes, my relationship is 'difficult'. I don't lean on my friends about it. I've been hurt and disappointed that they offered judgement of my partner rather than support when they saw I was in trouble. If I could have found an easier path I would have taken it. Hearing 'doubts' just made me feel undermined in my choices and more alone. It didn't create any alternatives for me. It made me feel even more like I had to keep the difficulties to myself.

I'm still with my partner. It's a lot easier than it was, and still a lot harder than some of the comfortable relationships that seem to have come naturally to some of my friends. Whatever it is or isn't, it's the only path that was okay for me in the context of my whole life experience.
You gotta speak up to your friend. In fact, you should get all of your friends there ASAP. Write down the stuff that she's done that's racist or abusive...your letter to Dan is a good start. Give him written statements that he can take away and reread after you and his other friends talk to him in person, because he'll probably get defensive when you are there, but if you have written stuff down, he can look at it again when he is less upset, and absorb it better. Definitely tell him you won't be his best man, and see if you can get his other friends to agree to boycott the wedding, and let him know that too. Strongly challenge the idea that he owes her...the hell he does. Nobody "owes" it to marry someone. Yes, call her out when she makes racist comments, and challenge her: "WTF is wrong with you that he can't watch Glee? Who died and made you queen of the world?" That kind of thing.
Now doing this may end your friendship, so be sure to tell him that if he's bound and determined to go through with it, that you will be waiting on the other side to be his friend again if it doesn't work out. In other words, if he does it anyway, and he realizes it's a disaster, he'll know that you will welcome him back as a friend.
I also agree with @20, she might turn out to be the kind of controlling POS who will cut him off from his friends, so you kinda have to expect to lose him as a friend...unless and until he regains his senses
Show him this column.
Yup, @63, that would certainly break the ice.
My mom had a friend who was planning to marry an asshole. All of her friends disliked the guy too, and talked to her about this behind the bride's back. My mother was the only one who said something; basically, "I don't like this guy, I don't think he is right for you, but I love you and will always be here to support you." She was the only one. They still got married, but then when they started having problems, my mom was the one this woman talked to because there was no beautiful façade to break; she was still pretending everything was OK with all of her other friends. And now that the guy has turned out to be not just an asshole but a complete psycho, my mom is still there, and there's no shame on either side.
I'm with 65's mother--say it, but say it with compassion and a lack of judgment for the friend.
Something about the woman strikes a chord in the guy, and he might not even be aware of it.

I was once involved with a woman who had anger issues -- just like my father had. Funny how that works out. Friends and family noticed it, but nobody said a word. I finally worked it out for myself, after a year of a horrible relationship that inexplicably "felt right" to me and we had a horrible break-up in which she would call me at home or at the office and scream at me. That's when everyone said, "I can't believe you ever went out with her in the first place!"

Sometimes we're so close we can't see it.
Dan's right, but our OP needs to add one more thing when he talks to his friend, "I realise that this might end our friendship now, but I want you to know that I care about you, and that I'm here for you anytime in the future if you need to reach out to me."

That way, his friend will have someone to go to when this marriage goes south.

And I agree that racist/homophobic/intolerant comments need to be called out in public when you hear them. It's not necessary to yell or rant, but the intolerant person needs to know that they can't get away with saying that sort of thing. A quiet, "I couldn't possibly support that statement," or a calm, "What a hateful thing to say," will often shut someone up.
MBFW: I'm divided about confronting your friend directly about what a mistake he's making, though Dan's advice is usually pretty good. However, I agree about confronting the POS girlfriend on her racist views and controlling attitude. But do it correctly.

In the museum profession we have a principle: never tell the people something when you can show it to them. So show her to him. Call her on her racist shit, but not with "why" questions. "Why do you dislike the Vietnamese?" is a challenge, and they will both hear "you fucking idiot" tacked onto the end even if you don't say it. This won't go well. Use "what" questions. "What makes you dislike the Vietnamese?" "What leads you to think the Mexicans should go home?" These are essentially the same as "why" questions, but couched in the terms of friendly, idle curiosity. She's much more likely to give you an honest answer, perhaps more honest than she realizes, even honest enough that your friend won't be able to stomach it.

If you can trick her into condemning herself with her own words, terrific. If not, you've still got the better part of a year to talk sense into your friend, and if she falls for this even a little, you'll have better ammunition.
@38 should be required reading.
The hardest thing in the world is to confront someone you like about their racist comments. It should be way easier to confront someone you hate. I'm guessing you just don't want to rock the boat... but this is a boat that must be rocked.
I'm amazed that nobody -- save for lecaro @67, sort of -- has posited that he may be with this horrible woman because he likes her being horrible. Not everybody likes nice people; some people like being with vicious, controlling harpies or creeps, they like being with horrible people because they are deeply horrible inside in a way hitherto concealed and thus in a way that their friends have missed.. Case in point: Edward VIII, later Edward, Duke of Windsor. You'll note that such might fit the conservablogger noted @31: her friends think that she has been converted by her nasty, nasty bigot husband but she may have been a nasty bigot who finally found her match and got tired of pretending in front of her liberal friends.
I am confused Will in Seattle, You think that nothing will work?

People can change, its not even that hard it just takes some serious skill to manipulate someone info a new way. The way to manipulate someone like this out of a thing he is in is to identify the problem in him (Why is he allowing this to happen), find the "fun" counter to that problem (I will guess sex), Counter the problem in a engaging way, use eye contact, be energetic (even if relaying something somber, have an "energy" that is respectful and noticeable) and be inviting, directly invite him to whatever you propose and allow your energy to wain and grow in tandem with his interest.

For example, a friend could see this guy and get a mutual flirty girl friend to break this news to him, and the friend who wrote the letter could be staged close by so that after that interaction he gets the chance to reaffirm whatever the girl said. Trick him out of his relationship by planting the autonomous desire of fucking in his head, Why try so hard and alienate my friends when I can just have sex with this lady and keep them?

Then just transition him away from the flirty girl into a single lifestyle and he will date again. If at some point he discovers your manipulation, add violence until all parties are quiet.
Well, if she's openly bigoted then I've got say heis one too. Seriously, if he thought her crapola was bad he probably wouldn't touch her with a ten foot pole. MBFW just hasn't realized that his best friend is a douche-canoe.
I agree with your point #72, even if it was a little different than the example I gave. I was thinking more that he might be comfortable with her behavior/views because it/they seemed familiar to him, i.e. similar to something a parent might have expressed. But I totally support your concept. He might be happy to share her viewpoint but put her in the position of the "bad guy" who's open about it. I would hope not, but you never know.
Love is not the prize. Love is the game, for which the prize is wisdom. Wisdom is action. Tell your friend you think he should pass on the love that disables him.
Better they break up now, then later. You don't want him to come up to his senses after a year of shitty marriage only to find that there's early termination fee equivalent to roughly half his shit. Get the rest of the crew to back you up, and you can all go confront him together at his place of work or whatever.

Hire a prostitute to seduce your friend. Take pictures or video to send to the fiance. Be there for him when she dumps his ass.
I am in a similar situation. Though, I have to say, it's not marriage so it's less severe. But the girl is a bitch and literally no one likes her, my friend doesn't seem happy around her, but knowing him it's not so much about being around as it is in. I think he thinks he can't do better.

But our friends have adopted a different party line. We don't say shit because I don't know a guy alive who wouldn't ditch his friends for a girl. Not because guys are dicks, rather because we're stupid for love. I think the situation is kind of hopeless. You can bring it up, but all that will likely happen is the end of the relationship between him and his friend.
Telling said friend that he's marrying a bitch and backing out of the ceremony won't work. It might salve your conscience and give you I-told-you-so rights, if you care about that.

He's made a decision to marry her, if he's not totally equivocal about it he won't be persuaded. If you want to actually help, focus on her behavior and call her on it when she's transgressing. Supporting your friend might be a lot more troublesome or tiring than telling him what to do and who with, but suck it up, buttercup.
Telling said friend that he's marrying a bitch and backing out of the ceremony won't work. It might salve your conscience and give you I-told-you-so rights, if you care about that.

He's made a decision to marry her, if he's not totally equivocal about it he won't be persuaded. If you want to actually help, focus on her behavior and call her on it when she's transgressing. Supporting your friend might be a lot more troublesome or tiring than telling him what to do and who with, but suck it up, buttercup.
Tell the bitch from hell what he said: that he is marrying her because he "owed it to her." If possible, let it slip in front of a lot of witnesses. I'm guessing her ego will latch onto that, and her pride will do the rest. Once she dumps him for so manifestly dissing their relationship, he's free and clear.
Tell your friend that he can just go home and tell her it's time for her to leave. Like this: The next time she's going off at him, or whoever else, just tell him to say the following: "I think it's time for you to leave." Do not, under any circumstances, let them get married. It will only get worse.

Please wait...

Comments are closed.

Commenting on this item is available only to members of the site. You can sign in here or create an account here.

Add a comment

By posting this comment, you are agreeing to our Terms of Use.