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1101 East Pike St. Suite 300, Seattle, WA 98122
1101 East Pike St. Suite 300, Seattle, WA 98122
When will you figure it out?
When sex is the most important aspect of a relationship
IT WILL ALWAYS GET BORING.
It will start off HOT and 'Creative'.
But if sex is all it is about IT WILL GET BORING.
BIGGIRL will move on to a new hookup which will be great
for a few months
until
IT GETS BORING.
repeat and stir.
Until you are too old to attract someone or you are too old for HOT Creative sex.
Then you can die a lonely death.
Danny doesn't know JackShit about Love.
Or relationships.
Just Inevitably Boring sex.
(hint. when you are in Love the sex NEVER GETS BORING...)
Because no one is ever attracted to fat people..? Seriously- where in this letter did she mention her weight gain or her girlfriend's issue with her weight?
wheres the viagra of aphrodisiacs?
Why do gay people think that sex is the be all and end all of life and has to be nine times a day with whipped cream and dog whistles.
You keep saying you want to have "real marriages"....what do you think those are? Two people who finished looking at each other and use their energy toting kids around in minivans.
Welcome to reality LGBTs!!!
Okay, so there are two options here: Bi Girl or Big Irl. Unless irl is slang for something, I'm pretty sure he was making a reference to her acronym giving off the impression that she's bisexual.
if it was still 1986...
& edible panties from Spencers Gifts are the fucking HOT, right bro?
When you have been together for a while, yes, the frequency of spontaneous, funtature moving sex drops down. What we tend to do is just stop having sex as a result, like planning time for sex is too cis-white-male-patriarical-anti-youth-queer-theory for us pure women. (that whole hypened phrase is now my favorite stupidity)
Lesbians, if you dont have sex at least once a week, by planning some time together, you are just perpetrating the whole lesbian bed death thing.
Stop gardening, stop petting the cat(s) and plant your fingers in your girl and pet her pussy for a change. Even if you have to put an hour appointment in your Outlook Calendar.
Just something to think about.
I read that as BI GIRL, not big girl.
If you and your girlfriend want to make it work you need find something that works for you both...and if you can't than I'd say it's time to move on sister.
I definitely agree with Dan on this one. Sex is important and the lack of it has obviously hurt and frustrated BI GIRL. The obvious course of action is to tell her girlfriend exactly how she feels and what she needs to make it work.
Sure, intense passion doesn't last forever, but a couple that has no sex life after four years has forty years of misery to look forward to.
If she wants companionship, she can get a cat, dog or roommate. No need to have a partner who isn't a partner.
I think it's about time I hang up my official teenager card when real adults get the impression that I don't know what all of these fancy internet words mean. :3
Ooooookay. You were the one who initiated the couples counseling, right? It doesn't sound like it's gotten any better and she doesn't care that it's a problem for YOU. I agree with Dan, if her only reaction is "I'll try harder and work on sex", hell no. A large part of our lives are spent in bed, yet there is just too much drama to enter into sex with her without anxiety?
And, what part exactly are you pretty happy with her about? Is it because you live at HER place and SHE pays for everything because SHE makes the big bucks? Is that why your Mom thinks YOU are lucky to have HER?
It's a lousy reason to stay and you're sacrificing your own well being and sexual needs. You also might want to consider that maybe your Mom just doesn't want you to move back home if you two break up.
Just sayin.
Like Dan said, if the relationship is fine but the sex life is dead, perhaps get thee to Lustlab (or your local version) to spice things up.
And what's the weather like today in Disneyland?
Fannerz @ 20 got it right.
This sounds a lot like bait and switch to me - once the other person feels secure that the relationship will last, he/she stops making any effort to please his/her partner, and starts looking for excuses.
Bigirl needs to have that talk with her girlfriend, but if another month goes by without some serious changes (after the anniversary, I'd say, because the gf might make an effort for that "special occasion") , there's no need to stick around until they hate each other.
But it still doesn't mean anything in the context of Bigirl's letter. Maybe, just maybe, she meant something along the lines of what Mel @ 25 suggests, but couldn't find another relevant word that starts with G.
Basically Independent Good Girl In Real Life
Basically Independent Girly Girl In Real Life
Basically Independent Gyoza Girl In Real Life
Basically Independent Gabby Girl In Real Life
Basically Independent Glam Girl In Real Life
(I would have gone with gyoza, but then I LOVE gyoza.)
See! I could do this ALL day, but if you ask nicely, I might consider stopping. And who is still asking their mother for relationship advice? You phone mum for the pie crust recipe, not the "how much sex is enough chat"...ew, gag.
fine.
as always...
cloudy and grey in gommorah?
Re-read the last paragraph and the sentence before it. They've passed the point if incompatible sex drives. The issue has fed back to the point where BI GIRL has her own hangups that mess things up. ("...I don't want to have sex with her. My body is simply not interested in sex with her.") Desire for cock might be a factor, or it might be irrelevant identity politics silliness. Doesn't matter either way.
Best case scenario, BG&GF find something to help them reignite their spark and distract them from the accumulated baggage until things are generally better. It's also a long shot. The more likely best scenario is a controlled wind-down of the relationship with a minimum of rage and histrionics. The only certainty is that if they continue to coast, things will suck that much more when they do fall apart.
Saying that she's a big girl does not have to mean that she no longer takes advice from her mom (I did say "along the lines..."). It can also mean that she can take whatever Dan and the sloggers will dish out, or face the consequences of a break-up if necessary.
(Don't get angry at me please, Canuck, I swear I'm not being condescendent this time!)
She was bi when they met and the sex was great. She's bi now. Doesn't sound like she's the one who changed.
I love watching the turn this conversation's taken.
She's bi.
She's fat.
She's an adult.
But here's what's being overlooked: the gf doesn't want to have sex and after couples counseling, is willing to treat it as a chore she needs to work at; the letter-writer no longer feels much sexual interest in the gf.
Sex has become so fraught with drama that the whole thing is stressful and off-putting.
They had 4 months of good sex, followed by 3 years and 5-6 months of an unsatisfying sexual situation.
The lw accused her gf of outright lying about the reasons she's avoided sex.
Then, in a pretty lukewarm way, the lw says "other than the sex I'm pretty happy with her." "Pretty happy" doesn't exactly scream with fulfillment.
The lw's mom says that she's "lucky to have her," which may be true, since we don't know anything else about their history or the characters of either woman or any other factor that makes a mother tell her child that she's "lucky to have" a mate who refuses to have sex.
But this same mom also says that sex is not that important, and it obviously is to the letter writer.
This relationship is dead. It might turn into a nice friendship a while down the road. But what difference does it make whether the lw is bi or overweight, or even both?
(Unless the gf were to say, "honey, I'm just not attracted to you lately. But if you lost 15 pounds I'd be really into anything, including bringing a dick into the bedroom for you.")
She already knows what she wants, but her mom's attitude that sex isn't very important (a typical female viewpoint in our culture, btw) makes her feel the need to get feedback from a more sex-positive source. She wants Dan's permission to break up with the gf because of sexual compatibility.
Hey, BIGIRL, maybe sex isn't that important to some people, but it is to you. You don't need to apologize for wanting to have sex with a someone who wants to have sex with you. Go out and find that girl (or boy, as the case may be). It's okay.
@ 57 - "Hey, BIGIRL, maybe sex isn't that important to some people, but it is to you. You don't need to apologize for wanting to have sex with a someone who wants to have sex with you." - Best advice ever.
Bi Girl, please do end this relationship. It's one thing if you had 3 years of good sex, and now are on month 11 of bed death, but the ratio is so out of proportion that this doesn't seem like the usual ups and downs of a relationship. Resigned idealist @8 has had bad years, but within an 8-year relationship, 2 years is of bed death is different than 3 sexless years within a 4 year relationship.
That said, though, getting back to the topic... it's occurred to me that "pretty happy with her" is probably code for "I really don't want to have to go apartment hunting." I've known people who wanted out of a relationship that sounds a lot like this, but decided they could handle being in the same house with the person if it meant not having to find a new place to live.
After 2.5 years with the same person, I am still very attracted to him and want to bone him, but our sexual relationship has definitely changed. I'm sure it will continue to change as time goes on. There isn't that desperate need to bone each other every second. I'd say the quality of sex has definitely improved, though.
Not saying that letter writer's case is simply a "change" in the relationship. It may just be that the relationship is dead. But before walking away, I'd go with Dan's words and see if there's something to be done to get the "spark" back, or better yet, motivation. She may be going through a crappy sex phase, but that doesn't mean all is lost. She may find that one day the sex happens and they are back on track to BDSM and all that goodness.
But if people want the no-effort, no negativity sex, then they probably shouldn't be in a long-term relationship. I hear of some couples continuing to have crazy fantastic twice-a-day sex as the years go on, but as far as people I know, this dies down after the first few years. Furthermore, desire fluctuates, as does your relationship with your partner.
If I see something stupid, I react, no matter what you think about it. It's my business, not yours. See: I'm answering you.
FYI, my one-line answer to that person was not actually directed at that person, but at anyone who might have read it, or anyone else who might want to make a similar point about how "love" cures all. (You will notice that I didn't answer that person's comment @ 45, because it was totally uninteresting.) I may be naive, but I thought the LW might actually read the comments for a more rounded answer, and I wanted to point out the lack of realism of that sort outlook on love and sex. Am I not allowed?
I know how you feel, man.
Other than that I'm happy with her?!?
Forty years of misery to look forward to, indeed!! That and the 'MEMORIES'. Sheesh!
LJBF her and find another 4 1/2 hot months with another babe. Somehow, thinking of a women LJBFing another women gives me (yes a straight guy DUH) a strange sense of ironic satisfaction.