He can tell them whatever he wants. His relationship with his parents trumps her relationship with his parents. and if its ok to "lie by omission" to the parents, why the hell isn't it ok to lie by omission to the girlfriend?

@ 101 -- To be fair, upon reflection, I probably wouldn't have answered my parents' questions honestly at age 20. That being said, I still stand by my statement that, except for the letter writer's hyperbolic imaginings, there is absolutely no evidence that any inappropriate discussions have occurred.

@102/103: He told his parents about the vibrator after she specifically asked him not to. Your insistence on additional evidence is asinine. Should ALPP have attached a signed confession from her boyfriend? A videotape documenting the conversation with his parents, or his parents' subsequent conversation with ALPP?

The concept you seem to have trouble grasping is that of privacy. Had his parents told him something in confidence, it would indeed be wrong of him to discuss that with his girlfriend. Just like when the girlfriend tells him something in confidence, it's wrong of him to discuss that with his parents.

People are entitled to their privacy. If my girlfriend did not respect my privacy, I would naturally stop telling her anything of importance. This would likely lead to the end of the relationship, since we can no longer discuss anything. See how it works?

Logic Fail @102 santababy. If I was dating you and I cheated on you knowing you weren't okay with that, then decided not to tell you aka "lie by omission" that would be completely appropriate behavior? Alot of people can do whatever they want, but it still makes them clueless, or assholes or both.

He violated her privacy, and doing that, for the reasons he did it were wrong. You are missing that point. His relationship with his parents is unreasonable and trumps his relationship with her on issues that shouldn't conflict and that IS the problem.

I disagree that he should "lie by omission". He needs to let his parents know that he is 20 and some parts of his life, and especially parts that relate to his girlfriend, ones she prefer he does not share are going to remain private. That is not a lie, that is the truth. They don't need to be privy to everything no matter how bad they want to be.

@104 -- yes yes he told his mom about the big vibrator shopping trip. I was referring to the dozens of posts on here speculating about his discussing details of their sex life, which did not happen.

In any case, people discuss details about their lives with their friends all the time. Why it matters that this is his mom instead of a friend is a stupid line to draw.

She can be pissed, and she is more than welcome to break up with the dude... but I think all of this calling-for-his-head nonsense is just that. Nonsense.

Ummm... santababy: He has told her that he will, if asked, answer any question from his parents, no matter what. She says that she wants some things kept private, no matter what; he has said that he can't and won't promise that. The principle is the point, not the timing.

Does his right to a completely honest (and "honest" seems to be, for you, synonymous with "no boundaries") relationship trump her request? You say yes. And she has the right to say that she won't stay. As does every woman with a bit of pride thereafter.

That said, grownups have a right to keep secrets from their parents. That obviously troubles you, and that's fine. Just don't expect to be treated like a grownup.

@107 How does it trouble me that people have a right to keep secrets? Of course they have a right to keep secrets, but that's really not the issue here. The question here, as you very succinctly stated, is that she wants some things kept private, no matter what, and he doesn't. They are a bad match for one another, but that doesn't make him wrong and her right. Personally, I think it's a dickhead move to tell your mom something that is going to make everyone uncomfortable, but when boiled down to principles, he is entitled to share with his parents whatever he wants. If she's not OK with that, then maybe it's time to part ways.

@108: You're making a nonsensical distinction. I technically have a "right" to scream at 5-year-olds until they go running home to their parents, but its a completely dickhead thing to do and I shouldn't do it. I technically have the "right" to dress down an employee in front of all of his or her colleagues, but it's again a dickhead move and I shouldn't do it. And I technically have a right to describe, in graphic detail, the sex my girlfriend and I have on a public Facebook account, but yet again it's a dickhead move and I shouldn't do it.

We aren't talking about the things you can get away with legally. We're talking about what is socially acceptable and/or reasonable. Her expectation of privacy is entirely reasonable, as evidenced by the overwhelming support for her position. And thus his need to blab everything to his parents is not.

@109 "Her expectation of privacy is entirely reasonable, as evidenced by the overwhelming support for her position. And thus his need to blab everything to his parents is not".

I disagree. The end.

@110: "I disagree, but have nothing to back that up. The end."

Fixed that for you.

@110 You may change your mind when someone feels the same about information you wanted to remain private. This girls deserve her right to privacy, even from his parents, just as much as you do yours. The end.

Ladies and gentlemen, the boyfriend's mother has joined us as Santababy.

Santababy,

This boy has a right to tell his parents anything he wants to, about himself, but not about another person. The relationship he has with his parents might trump her wishes with regard to a question about his masturbatory life, but not hers. The vibrator is not his, and therefore it is not his place to share information about it with anyone.

If you disagree, feel free to treat your girlfriend's personal information the way this boy did, and watch what happens. Now both of you are getting dumped. Violations of privacy are grounds for dumping. It wouldn't take a letter to Dan for me to figure that out.

Kathy,

This boy didn't tell his parents details about the girl's masturbatory techniques. He told his mom that he went shopping for a vibrator. Because he did, in fact, go shopping for a vibrator. Hopefully that answer will shut his mom up and she'll leave him alone about what he does in his private time with his girlfriend -- I suspect that was his reason for telling her in the first place.

Also, the personal attacks are tiring.

102: "That's none of your business" is not lying by omission. It is a truthful statement.

His girlfriend's vibrator is indeed none of their business. Unlike, say, if he were cheating on her, that would indeed be her business. So your comparison falls completely flat.

115: "Hopefully that answer will shut his mom up and she'll leave him alone about what he does in his private time with his girlfriend -- I suspect that was his reason for telling her in the first place."

Sure it was. That explains why he gave his girlfriend an explanation that's explictly and completely incompatible with that hypothesis. That's why he explicitly offered to give up sex with the girlfriend before giving up telling the parents whatever they asked.

Nice try, though.

@ 115 Santababy, You said "This boy didn't tell his parents details about the girl's masturbatory techniques. He told his mom that he went shopping for a vibrator."
But that is incorrect. What she actually wrote was,
"I told him that I didn't want his mother to know that I was using a vibrator, because she still isn't alright with us having sex. I also thought that my purchase of a vibrator wasn't any of her business, and was just generally uncomfortable with her knowing about it. He brushed it off, and told her anyway which really upset me."
He didn't say that he went shopping for a vibrator, what he actually told his mother is kind of unclear, but he passed on way more information than was needed. The important point here is that ALPP specifically asked that he not tell his mother about the vibrator at all. She asked him for privacy in a matter that obviously was important to her. He blew her off, plain and simple.His perception of trust with his mother is very obviously skewed, but also needs to be respected. The best course of action here would have been for him not to mention the vibrator at all. If he wanted to be honest with his mother all he had to say was something like, I went to an adult store with with my gf and her friends, that's all. This would both enable him to retain the honest relationship with his mother and not betray the privacy of his gf. Honesty and respect are extremely important points in any relationship. If one person in the relationship doesn't have enough respect to acknowledge the privacy of the other the relationship will never work. I'll give the bf the benefit of the doubt and say that this is an example of not communicating very well. The bf didn't understand the importance of the request made by ALPP (once again giving the benefit of the doubt). Maybe he's dense or maybe it wasn't communicated to him in a way he could understand. Either way this whole situation could have been avoided by talking about it in more detail before hand.

Maybe the guy really is just a dis-respectful moron to anyone but his mom. There really isn't enough evidence here to condemn either one of them completely. Only one situation as narrated by one side. I'm not saying anyone is wrong or right, just that if people talked about how they really felt more often situations like this would be easily avoided.

Um, wow.

The letter writer needs to move on and her boyfriend needs to find a girl who can happily chat about their sex lives with his parents while they sit around the table at Thanksgiving.
AAHHHHH! Get that image out of my mind!

As a parent whose children are now adults, I firmly believe that
sexual privacy between sexual partners, trumps the parent/child relationship.

My kid's sex lives are none of my business, just as mine isn't theirs.

It's not lying for the guy to just say to his parents when they ask about something private to say, "That's private."

You guys are all correct about the boundaries being a problem with the bf and his mom, however, cut the kid some slack! He's 20, not 30 or 40 or even 25.

As a 30-something who didn't realize how non-existent boundaries with mom weren't "cool" until I was in college, I feel some pity for the bf. When he realizes his mom's "you can tell me everything" shtick is actually called "enmeshment" and that he can't pull away from her at all and have his own life without hostility and guilt-tripping from her (and maybe it sounds like both parents?)...he's in for decades of problems.

When I was his age I might have thought his gf was being weirdly uptight...remember he's had 20 years of *programming* that their invasions of his privacy are just normal and maybe even evolved compared to others. He probably is thinking he's lucky his parents are so open and they are so close and he *can* tell them anything like they're buddies. Just wait until he starts to want to have his own life and want to keep some things private. It will not go over well.

Yes, she should dump him for this. Privacy matters. He might start to realize it when he loses her.

This could be my brother and his girlfriend 10 years ago. My siblings and I took about 5 years of "de-programming" once we left home to establish healthier boundaries with my mom. She would ask about anything and we would tell her the honest truth whether or not it was her business or not. Not so anymore. The hard part is that my brother is still with the girlfriend (now wife, with 3 kids) and their relationship with our mother is strained in the best of times. Too many hurt feelings too soon in the relationship for my mom and the daughter-in-law to really be on good terms even 10 years later.

I would dump him. He needs to learn this lesson before he can have a healthy relationship, otherwise there's going to be a constant tug-of-war between mom and girlfriend and that's never a winning situation.

I disagree with dan. I'm very open and honest with my parents about anything. I am so open and honest with them that they, conservative homophobic christians, don't ask anything about sexuality anymore. Nor my gay monogamous eventual relationships, projects, or my gay polygamous fooling around. I think there's a matter they've gotta talk about: he's got a personal way to relate to his parents, a more honest way. I don't see the big deal with parents knowing stuff, or seeing the son, grown up naked, nor anything at all. She's got her own idea about parental bonds: she thinks hes parents -and his parents, for extension- should not know about some stuff. They gotta talk and make a consense, or accept disagreement and break up, as if it would be sexual incompatibility. Dan is really open about some, most, sexuality issues, but hes very dogmatic about some other stuff like this. There are no right ways to make "bonds" with your parents. There are different ways, no better, no worse ones, and if there's a difference in the couple about it, it's an issue to talk. That's it.