What, since Sexy Santa is out of the question, sexy questions are out this week?

o/t, but Newsweek's interview of you and Jane Lynch is excellent. And I think the gorgeous photo more than makes up for every lousy Skype moment you've had to suffer through. Congratulations!

http://www.newsweek.com/2010/12/20/dan-s…

(h/t Publicola - ha!)

Leopards / stripes, whatever, all that jazz.

I have an equally disgusting ex-fiancé. I told 'em the next time I see 'em he's getting socked in the face. I'm waiting for the inevitable day we're at the same party.

Remember, revenge is a dish best serves cold, at least that's what they say.

I'm for excluding him and getting the current boyfriend to back her up. He can go to other parties where all the friends are invited.

Also, if it's almost all friends invited and he gets invited, doesn't that mean the other uninvited friends should also be invited?

I think that neither host should invite him, but if he party crashes, I wouldn't make a scene about it.

Parties serve a dual purpose: they are for your pleasure, but they are also a demonstration of goodwill. Now, most of that goodwill goes to our friends and loved ones, but sometimes we just invite crazy, annoying aunt Hattie because she's part of our circle and it's important to mom, even though we don't look forward to seeing her. There are limits, of course.

If you really can't stand the guy, say this to your bf: "you know, I really wish I could feel otherwise about Ex, but in spite of myself I just can't. Thanks for understanding."

If you can stand him and it's important to your bf or other important loved ones, suck it up and invite him - but discretely let the bf know that you're counting on him to help keep a cordial distance. If your bf is a good man, he'll do just that and you'll get props for taking the high road. If your bf is a bad man, you'll find out and you might as well know.

Fuck the ex.

What is this, Dear fucking Abby?

Yeah, let the bastard make his own plans. Fuck him.

They say living well is the best revenge ( or something like that) but it seems like you get icked out thinking about him, so let the invited friends tell him what a great party you threw. I feel your pain, been there, tried that, and still can't figure out if it was the right thing. I'm sure noone there knew how conflicted I was. If your invited friends know what an a@@ he was, they should understand your current dislike of him.

Well handled, Dan.

I'm confused.
"...but I do not really like him. I find him stupid, immature and loud..."
"... my ex-boyfriend ... is one of the few [of my friends] who was not invited..."

Why do you call him all kinds of insufferable jerk, but refer to him as a friend?

I know that when I throw a party and invite a bunch of friends, some of my friends' friends don't get invited. That's just how it works. If he's somebody's +1 that's different: +1 invitations are usually assumed. If I really don't want, for example, Cindy's +1 to show up, I either need to not invite Cindy either (she'll think I'm rude), or issue her a strongly worded caveat, along with the invitation, that her +1 isn't welcome (she'll be offended that I'm questioning her judgement in selecting her +1).

I'd go with option 2, but give your reasons as being very much about the bad memories you can't face just now. You can even go on about "how you know he's not really such a bad guy, it's just that ...".

No one should be forced to socialize with someone they don't like *at their own party*, unless it's a coworker or a family member.

It's been five years. This should all be behind you now. And especially since you have loads of mutual friends including your current boyfriend: yes, you have to invite him. Or rather, you don't HAVE to, but you know, people talk, and you don't want them to be talking about how you won't let go. After five years he's barely an "ex" anymore; he's just a due you vaguely remember, and a friend of a friend.

You don't have to be particularly nice to him; a frosty "hello, Dave" or whatever his name is, and you're off the hook. Ignore him the rest of the night.

If his behavior is to unpleasant to ignore -- loud drunken ranting, whoo hoos or keg stands or falling into your potted plants or whatever, then OK, you will have discharged your obligation to him forever and can exclude him. But the best way to do that is to make him not want to come and your mutual friends not want him to come either.

Wait, HE was an ass for failing to "stay home and feel miserable" for six months after getting dumped by his fiancee in foreign country? It doesn't really matter who was right or wrong back then to the current question, but in her story they BOTH come off sounding selfish and inconsiderate, TBH.

Ultimately it's her fucking party, and therefore her fucking choice who to invite. If she doesn't want him there, she nobody can tell her she has to invite him.

To answer the more general question

am I being an unreasonable bitch for not wanting to be friends with my ex?

the answer is "No." We don't have to be friends with someone just because we used to fuck them.

I think being civil toward exes is not an unreasonable social requirement (most of the time), as your friends shouldn't have to deal with the drama of your ex-hate at a festive occasion. But being friends with someone who, at some point, likely did something fucked-up enough to warrant a break-up is more the exception than the rule.

You broke up 5 years ago. Get over it.

Really, really good advice. It IS her party (and she can cry if she wants to).

She states matter-of-factly that she doesn't like him. Why invite someone you don't like if you don't have to (for, say, business reasons)? No, exclude him, but don't forbid anyone from bringing him because then it makes him sound like a bigger deal than he is. That shouldn't happen, but it sounds like some of your friends might be tacky enough to try it.

Tell the drip who is trying to force you to invite guests you don't like to mind her own fucking business and throw her own party where she can invite whomever she pleases. Then, take up a collection at your party and send her to charm school.

Maybe I'm just unreasonable, but I think life is too fucking short to spend any of it with anyone I don't care to by choice.

Don't invite the ex. Don't feel the need to explain yourself to anyone. And don't be afraid to mention to your current boyfriend that you don't want to be around your ex, and that if he wishes to be friendly with the ex, he needs to do it on his own time.

Have a Merry Christmas and ENJOY YOUR OWN GODDAMN PARTY!

I wanna add that there are plenty of insufferable jerks around with whom I'm not friends, and don't invite to my parties. In fact, I make it a general RULE that I'm not friends with insufferable jerks, and don't invite them to my parties. How does the fact that this PARTICULAR insufferable jerk was an EXCEPTIONALLY insufferable asshole to you a while back somehow mean you feel an obligation to change the rules? He's an insufferable asshole, you're not friends with him, and WHY the FUCK would he be welcome in your home?

I'm just sayin'.

"we've seen each other at friends' houses, parties, etc., and been civil"
"I don't feel any anger towards him now"
"I do not really like him"
"I'd prefer not"

These aren't really strong words of dislike. I mean, they're not great, but:

The more I read your letter the more convinced I am that (a) you really don't hate him that much and should just invite him since you'll keep running into each other at your friends' parties over and over anyway, or (b) you really do HATE him and just don't want to admit that you do, or (c) you're still kind of into him, but you want to act like you aren't, but are now looking for an excuse to be "obligated" to see him, or (d) feel bad about dumping him all those years ago and are looking for reasons to avoid seeing him. Or, knowing how fucked up humans are, maybe a bit of everything depending on the kind of day you're having.

Anyway, think about it. It's your party, but remember life goes on afterwords.

Just kidding.

Just remember, you should treat others as you want them to treat you. If the tables were turned, and it was you singled out, you would be in a position where your boyfriend would have to choose between a party and you.

I was in a similar situation, where an ex-girlfriend started excluding me from her parties. we had mutual friends and it was a situation that was similar to yours. Its been years and her resentment carried through to the holidays. Well, people stopped going to her party and started going to an animosity-free party that someone else decided to have. Now she is the one to spend the holiday's alone.

Remaining friends (friendly) with an ex is overrated. I don't understand why people struggle to do this. If it's over, it ended for a reason.

What 16 said.

No, you don't have to invite him to the party, and the person pressing for it is being a jerk. If they want to control the guest list, they can bloody well throw the damned party. End of story.

But the whole "most miserable six months of my life" thing sounds like you are pissed that he reacted to you dumping him by saying, "fine, whatever" and going on with his life, instead of being devastated. Unless the reason you dumped him in the first place was infidelity, it takes a lot of brass to expect him to be careful about his sexual behavior in his own home, after you're the one who dumped HIM. If he had dumped you, that would fly. Not the other way around.

She's certainly under no obligation to invite anyone, but someone should call her out on her absolutely atrocious stance five years ago. She breaks up with him and then she is pissed that he... acted like she broke up with him? Maybe understandable, but certainly not kosher. And five years on I would hope for some recognition on her part that she was in the wrong to hold that against him, rather than still blaming him for making those the "worst six months of her life".

He's a dickwad for wanting to come.

Thanks, gus! Never would have seen that article...and is Dan getting younger looking? Dan, have you been having relations with Miss Clairol??

I worry about people who still obsess about things that happened years ago...sure, it hurts at the time, but barring situations of abuse, oy, what's a party without an obnoxious guest? We were just asking ourselves, after one such dinner party, "Is x getting better, or are we just getting used to her?" You could use it as a bonding/eye-rolling moment for you and the new BF, perhaps?

Ignore the bit where he's your ex for a moment. You find him stupid, immature and loud, and you'd prefer not to have him at a party that you're holding.

Will some people find that bitchy? Probably. Is it your party, not theirs? Yes.

If you don't want him there, don't invite him.

Simple.

Your party.

Your guest list.

The end.

Being nice to an ex that hurt you, even if you aren't "over it" yet, can actually be healing.

I say, invite him for your own sake. You don't have to be more than civil to him. But it will help remind yourself that you've gotten through the worst of it.

Hold up. Who hurt who first?! Why the FUCK would you break up while overseas, knowing that you were going to have to live in the same apartment for 6 months? And, then you expect him not to have any fun while overseas because of your breakup? Unless there was a good reason to break up with him (OTHER than you didn't see yourself spending the rest of your life with him), then the LW is a complete and utter bitch.

But, since we're supposed to give advice to her...GET OVER YOURSELF. Nobody is asking you to be friends with your ex. They're asking you to be cordial to the ex YOU fucked over, then got pissed at for making the best out of a really shitty situation. He's also in their circle of friends, and, apparently, not that bad of a guy. Or else your friends have shitty taste in friends.

Not to mention, you're civil with him already. It wouldn't be all THAT bad. Suck it up a little for your friends. "It's Christmas, and everybody's miserable."

I am surprised that anyone really needs to ask a third party about this. Unless a law was passed stipulating that every one in your extended social circle needs to be included in every social gathering every time, you are free to exclude anyone you do not particularly care for, especially if they were an ex.

I'm assuming people know the history behind this, so fuck them if they try to guilt trip you into inviting this asshat. I'm sure he can find something to do with himself if his friends are busy elsewhere one evening.

Canuck, though I am almost positive Dan did not have relations with that woman Miss Clairol, still there is room to believe he was accosted by the aggressively handsy Mr. Photoshop.

I think you're worried way too much about what others might be thinking of you. You said almost all your friends have been invited. So then your ex isn't the only one not invited to this party that everyone else is going to. If you don't want him at your party, don't have him there. Why do you feel like you have to compromise this? (Oh wait… due to our socialization as females to always be nice and accommodating to everyone, especially men.) Stop worrying about your ex's feelings and his well-being - he obviously didn't during those 6 months (yes, you were broken up, yes he had to right to screw other people, but c'mon, couldn't he do it elsewhere than in the place that you both lived in? Like, have some consideration?). And you've already said no to the friend who asked about the ex coming. So, awkward moment has passed. Let it go. I hope your party turns out this way: you leave him uninvited, you and everyone have a great time, your ex doesn't even come up, you realize you were right in not inviting him (if you remember to think about him!). If people ask about your ex, just say something like what Nicole Richie said about not inviting Paris to her wedding: "We only wanted to celebrate with the people who we love and who care about us." Don't make your ex a focal point of your party, because he isn't. I'm sure the ex can find other people to hang out with, or keep himself occupied on the night of your party. If he can't, well, maybe he should work on his social skills.

Jeezus, I think Prudie has taken over Dan's column! If there's a question tomorrow about thank you note etiquette, we'll know for certain.

What @34 said. End of story. It's no one else's business who you choose to invite into your home or why.

After your Heather revelation, gus, the very foundations of my world have been shaken, so it's good to know Dan has some boundaries that even he won't cross. And that Mr. Photoshop never gets frisky with me, guess we know where his affections lie.

*I was going to add a little Heather photo link for you, but Oh MY, aren't there a lot of nudie shots on google image search??

#36 is full of shit. You don't need to justify your dislike of someone in a court of law ("Isn't it true that YOU broke up with HIM? OVERSEAS, no less???").

So long as you don't call him up and gloat that he's not there, you're not being an ass. The point of a party is to have a good time; you don't have an obligation to sacrifice that good time so that someone you dislike doesn't feel left out. It's not a question of whether or not he "deserves" to miss out. It's a question of whether you'd have a better time or a worse time from his being there. You don't even have to be pissed at him; even if he were just a guy that you found a little boring, you'd have a right not to invite him and it doesn't have to be considered an act of open hostility.

If he wants, he can exclude you from his next party; fuck it.

He immediately struck me as a douche when he spent 6 months sleeping around while his ex-girlfriend was in the other room. Don't invite him! He didn't have the decency to think about your feelings, so you don't have to think about his feelings.

Who puts used condoms in the kitchen trash? Gross!

Seriously, don't invite him. It's your party, your booze and your freakin' happiness. People can see him before or after the party. Just not at your place, which I think is perfectly reasonable.

@46 Uh, I'm thinking that would be the dumped fiance who wants his ex to know he's doing just fine...?

@46 & 49

Yep, my first thought about that was also that he put the used condoms in the kitchen trash just so she'd see them.

In other words, how can TFON get to be a petty grudge-holder while coming off as a martyred heroine?

I'm not quite sure what is supposed to be the be-all and end-all of the universe about this one holiday party to which EVERYONE else is going and the ex will be (one of) the ONLY one(s) excluded. It does strike me that it's one thing for Patty to give everyone else in class except Charlie Brown a valentine, but that it's not as much fun unless Violet and Frieda and all the others are doing the same thing. Then again, what are holidays for for many people if not an opportunity for some variation on a bullying theme? It might be interesting to know why the others of her uninvited friends have been excluded.

If it were always easy and enjoyable to come across as gracious, forgiving and mature, then surely we'd see a great many more people fitting that description.

Now I completely get that it's entirely his fault for showing TFON with such clarity how poor her judgment was in agreeing to the engagement. She might have passed up on the perfect out when asked if he could come. Saying that she'd feel too awkward actually inviting him but that if he showed up she wouldn't make him leave or something along that line might have been able to establish his possible attendance as a gesture of desperation, perhaps enough to keep him away without her having invested so much social capital.

It does seem as if one simple invitation or lack thereof is being rather inflated. TFON has perfectly adequate reasons not to invite. And she shouldn't worry about people thinking she's petty. Chances are that either they already do or else they won't start now.

#9, #34. Period.

He's an EX and it's YOUR party. Fuck him.

Um. Already answered.

You dated this guy five years ago? Five fucking years!?! who gives as shit about anything regarding this guy? He very likely doesn't give a shit about you... just be mutual, don't give a shit about him, deal with your own life, and everyone will be happy, right?

tired and true @ 16 FTW

@2 Thanks for pointing out the great Dan interview. "There's no gay way to change diapers." Awesome.

@44 you sound like a dramatastic bitch too. Just saying.

I see a few comments about how could she possibly be mad when he was just "getting on with his life."

Getting on with his life would have been going out, maybe partying, maybe having sex, but not necessarily bringing multiple women home to their shared apartment and making noises he knew she would hear through very thin walls, then throwing their used condoms in the kitchen trash. That seems to me like he was looking for revenge, not moving on. Obviously, living with someone you just broke up with (yesterday, last week, etc) is a delicate situation, one that probably shouldn't be handled by throwing your condoms in the kitchen trash.

@22 - Right on!

@26 - Why do people try to be friends with exes?

If I dated someone for a significant period of time, there was probably some kind of interpersonal chemistry that was not based just on sex. Or rather, if the sex was all there was, why the hell did we stay together at all? I prefer to date people that I genuinely like, and can be friends with. Sure, there are hurt feelings around breaking up, but once those wounds heal being friends is great. And it's an opportunity to have an opposite sex friend without sexual tension getting in the way - it's already been released... been there, done that, didn't work out.

Anyway... just rambling thoughts... YMMV for sure.

@60 To wit, breaking up is ALSO a delicate situation, and you probably shouldn't do it when you know you're going to be FORCED TO LIVE with the guy for SIX MONTHS. That's like a prison sentence.

Also, she can feel mad at him for being a douche (he wasn't as big a douche as she was and is being)...but, what did she expect? A cuddle and some ice cream? Him to mope around the apartment? She's using this experience as the prime reason she doesn't like him, and her emotions are unreasonable to most people and she should try to reconcile them for the benefit of her circle of friends.

So I guess Misanthrope just got dumped then? So now everyone who has dumped a guy is gonna be the villain?

Even if it is all her fault she dumped him while they lived together and she should have expected the condoms in the kitchen trash and she's a stupid crying bitch and etc etc etc, ... so what? How would any of that mean that she's obligated to invite him to her party? We're not arguing over who was the bad guy in the breakup 5 years ago. We're arguing about whether or not she should invite him to her party. The answer is "no," and the justification is "because she doesn't want to." That's how it is with parties. It's really, really simple.

Why don't you stop posting until you get over your ex so you can quit fixating on how terrible it is to dump someone and your posts can start making sense.

@65 Yeah...I just got dumped. Wrong. Thanks for playing.

If she had waited until they got home and then dumped his ass, and moved the fuck out...that'd have been fine. In fact, he'd probably be the one righteously pissed at missing out on all that fine foreign pussy. She should be pissed at herself for not allowing herself to get some fine foreign cock and live it up. But, she's blaming him for all of her misery when she was the one to put herself in the shitty situation. That's just dumb.

But, she's not asking if she's obligated to invite somebody in her circle of friends. That's a bit fat no.

She IS asking if she's being an unreasonable bitch for not inviting somebody in her circle of friends that she's civil to. And, she doesn't want to. That's fine. A little bitchy, but fine. But, is she being an unreasonable bitch for holding a 5-year grudge over a shitty situation that SHE created? A bit.

P.S. Maybe you should stop exonerating women at all costs before you go trying to figure out the motivations of people.

Let me get this straight. For her own reasons she decided to break up with her BF while they were working overseas and living in the same apartment. What did she expect of her ex, celibacy? Granted he could have been more sensitive of her feelings, but then it was a situation she created and was responsible for the consequences. Her continuing to live with him was, at a minimum, stupid and perverse. Talk about self inflicted wounds combined with a lack of common sense and maturity (hers). If moving out was not feasible and assuming he wasn't abusive (she doesn't say he was), why on earth did she feel compelled to end her relationship. At some point practical considerations have to affect your decisions and actions.

How many people would even consider continuing to live with someone after they broke up with that person? She was spot on about one thing, she was way too young to be married.

@67: "If moving out was not feasible and assuming he wasn't abusive (she doesn't say he was), why on earth did she feel compelled to end her relationship."

Because... she didn't want to keep dating him / fucking him. And as a free person, she's not obligated to keep dating/fucking someone just because she is in a foreign country and required for whatever reason to keep sharing an apartment with him.

"Practical considerations"? How about the practical consideration that no one is required to continue fucking someone they no longer wish to fuck, regardless of their personal or domestic situation?

"He's not been invited because I want to throw myself into enjoying this party, rather than reflecting on a relationship that ended badly."

If you get further questions, say, "I've made up my mind, so what else would you like to talk about?" Anyone who pursues the matter after that, isn't really a friend.

Not everyone in a circle of friends needs to be invited to every event. Adulthood and elementary school are different in this regard, thank goodness.

@68 Breaking up with him was fine, but she has absolutely no right to put all the blame on him. Which she is so obviously doing. And, she shouldn't be holding a grudge for 5 years over a situation she created.

"Hi, I broke up with you through no fault of your own, but I have to live with you for six months. Could you kindly not fuck anybody for that period of time, while I mope around the house and be miserable?" Yeah, that would fly over well with anybody.

Sorry people, exes are not slaves to your emotions...and will be less accepting of your neediness when the relationship dissolves. And, they're not assholes or jerks or whathaveyou because of it.

A point of clarification. If it is truly "her" house and "her" party, then the answer is obviously, no. However, there will be consequences, particularly if he is the only one of their circle of friends who is excluded (as opposed to just her friends). At which point she will come across as a vindictive bitch to those people who know their history. Just like their were consequences to her decision to remain part of the circle of friends that included her ex. If; however, it is "their" party and/or home it is not her decision alone and she needs to discuss this with her current boyfriend.

However, that discussion may create its own set of issues/problems/complications depending on what her current boyfriend knows of their history. That is a discussion they probably should have had anyway, assuming she is in a serious relationship with her current boyfriend. Past relationships are always a minefield, particularly when she continues to interact with the ex. This will raise questions she doesn't want to deal with and cause problems if the information she shares with the CBF conflicts with the information he already has or is likely to get from other sources. She still is trying to shift blame on to her ex and her description of her ex may be colored by a need to make him the villain.

She may well put her current relationship at risk if the CBF starts to wonder WTE is going and starts to ask pointed questions.

Exonerating "women?" Nope. Exonerating "the person whose party this is and who therefore gets to choose who they invite?" Yep. See the difference?

The fact that you're suddenly interpreting this as a "women vs men" issue says more about you than it does about anyone else. Nobody except you really focused on the breakup itself, or about who was at fault there. To be honest I wouldn't take a vow of celibacy after being dumped overseas either (though I also wouldn't bother to carry my condoms to the kitchen trash), but that's NOT THE POINT. And the fact that you're fixated on this, and that you view all opposition as an act of exonerating women at all costs (who the fuck even mentioned women?), is kind of creepy:

QUESTION: I don't like my ex. Should I invite him to my party or no?

NORMAL RESPONSE: You [should/should not] invite him to the party, because proper party etiquette involves [...].

YOUR RESPONSES: Wait a minute, you BITCH! You dumped HIM and NOW you have the GALL to NOT LIKE him? What a stupid bitch cunt whore cunt! What do you expect from him??? INVITE HIM! HE DID NOTHING WRONG! You SHOULDN'T be pissed at him! WHAT'S WITH ALL THESE GEORGIA O'KEEFE-LOVING WOMAN EXONERATORS DEFENDING YOU??

Unless you're the ex, it's hard not to see some kind of general woman issues here.

I don't think she should exclude him because she's a woman and women should always be sided with (where the fuck do you even get that?). And I don't think she should exclude him because she's right to be pissed at him for fucking a few women after the broke up. I think she should exclude him because, as I spelled out very simply before, she's the one throwing the party. And people should never have to stand before a tribunal and justify why they would or wouldn't have more fun with someone at THEIR party (whether or NOT they have a vagina).

Remember when I said that he can throw a party and exclude her if he wants? I meant that. Because then it would be HIS party and the guest list should be centered around who HE wants to see there. I spelled all this out very clearly before. The fact that you just gloss over my actual, non-gender-related points and think "women! GRRR!" is really random and kinda creepy.

Unless you want to explain how "the host should get to choose their guests and everyone else should just deal" is an anti-male argument? Are women the only ones who can throw parties where you come from?

@73 Who brought up the male vs female thing in the first place? You. "So now everyone who has dumped a guy is gonna be the villain?"

Who's the one who insulted who first in our little tirade? You. "#36 is full of shit."

Who brought up the relationship as the primary reason the LW her ex? Her. Paragraph 2 (of 4). If it wasn't still a sore spot for her, she wouldn't have spent >30% of her letter writing about it.

If a guy had written this letter, I would say the same thing. "Wait, you dumped her, and now you're pissed off AT HER for moving on while you still lived together? WTF is wrong with you?! You're being a complete dick!" Sorry, my argument is gender-neutral...the LW just happens to be a woman, so you read misogyny into it.

If you want to argue on how "You're still feeling butthurt over a situation you created 5 years ago. How about you get over it, stop blaming your ex, make nice, and invite your ex for the good of your circle of friends" is sexist, I'd like to hear it.

74: It isn't. And I never said that it was. My big "sexist asshat" alarm didn't go off until you started tying my argument as somehow being woman-favoritism. If a guy sees woman-favoring (or reverse-racism, or misogyny for that matter) in places it really doesn't exist, I take that as a sign that something's up with THEM.

And I use "guy" to refer to "person;" not "male." I'll call a group of girls "you guys" or "those guys" all the time. When I mean to specify "man" then I say "man." But yeah, that's my bad since using "guy" like that is kindof unique to me; fine. The point was that a freshly dumped "individual" would be more likely to bitterly focus on whether the dumping was justified when that's not relevant to the question.

And once again the dumping doesn't HAVE to be justified, and you're the only COMMENTER (other than a few unregistered trolls) who thinks it does. She mentioned it, yeah, but she didn't really need to because it doesn't matter.

She could have had a threesome with his best friend and his brother while he was out buying her roses and then told all his friends that he has erectile dysfunction and a diaper fetish and then kicked his dog. Boy would that be unjustified! Her reason for not wanting to invite him could be that she feels guilty about dumping him in such a cruel way. Boy, that would all be her fault, wouldn't it? BUT it's still her party, and she's throwing it to have fun. So she should get to invite those who would make her party more fun. Even if it isn't their fault she doesn't like them.

He's missing out on a party, not getting thrown in jail. The consequences aren't dire, so she doesn't need to consider if it's her "right" to still be pissed at him and not want to see him at a party.

And if she did invite him and he didn't want to go because he thinks she's a bitch, same thing: I'd advise him not to go, because you attend parties to have a good time. I wouldn't hem and haw about how HE'S the one who took his condoms into the kitchen and how SHE'S being gracious by inviting him and it might hurt her feelings and make him look like a bitter shithead if he doesn't go.

They're parties, not UN summits. You get to be laid back about throwing and attending parties. Does your social circle really fuss about who "deserves" to go to parties rather than who'd be fun to have there, down to the last detail of every breakup? How miserable. It's like having a second job at that point.

Why do people keep talking as if they didn't read "one of the few who was not invited"? Is it because they, ahem, didn't read it, or is it because they have a goddam good bit of invective to hurl but it depends on the ex being the ONLY one excluded, and what TFON actually wrote be damned?

@75 Actually, to your point that I was the first to bring it up, #16 brought it up first, but dismissed it. I only hammered it home because it took up so much of her justification for her dislike of the ex. I mean, using over 30% of your letter to demonize the guy who feigning innocence is ridiculous if you're not using that as your justification.

My point is, her current BF is friends with her ex. Her current BF probably would REALLY like her ex there (as would other friends of hers), and she's trying to justify her dislike in the face of these other people who seem to be close to him. He's obviously not the asshole that she paints him to be, otherwise it would be an easily accepted fact.

Would it really be that hard, for the sake of not splintering her group of friends, to invite the guy if his presence is requested? Parties are part fun, and also part UN summits. That's why there is ALWAYS a tinge of drama at all of them. That's why there is always an underlying current of relaxation and bonding. Would it be too tough to extend the olive branch 5 years after you broke up if you're going to stay in the same circle of friends? Or, are you going to maintain the rift that is there currently that all your friends know and feel?

She says otherwise, but it sure sounds like she's still mad at him for moving on with his life and not being suitably "miserable" after she dumped him *five years ago*. Her current boyfriend and other friends don't seem to share her opinion of him, perhaps because she is indeed being "petty and grudge-holding" for something that was her own doing.

It's her party and her choice as to who to invite, so if she doesn't want him there she's got every right to exclude him. Life is too short to waste on the unwanted, and she's under no obligation to be friends with him. But it seems like the real issue is that she's still not willing to take responsibility for the consequences of her decisions. If she wants to cut him out of her life, she's going to have to deal with the fact that other people may not agree with that decision.

@75 Also, one more thing. You're the only one using the word deserves. TFON, Savage, myself, nor ANY OTHER COMMENTER has used the word "deserves" or even "entitled." You're the only one saying anything like that. I think, for the most part, my arguments have been "why don't you invite him to make peace in your circle of friends" as opposed to "you should invite him because he's a good guy and deserves it."

Were you a recent dumper? Were you in this situation recently? Have you been reading into this a bit much?

Do you have children together? If not, FUCK him, and "unfriend" your so-called "friend" who is pressuring you to invite the jerk. Sheesh! What you need are some actual LOYAL friends.

The only reason I'd go near my ex-wife is because we had a child. We saw each other at our daughter's wedding (I raised her, I paid for the wedding) but I couldn't stand to be in the same STATE with her because she was a creep. I was pleasant at the wedding. Wall re-erected afterward.

"Parties are part fun, and also part UN summits"
LOL! I bet TheMisanthrope's parties suck.

Gee, why couldn't he go fuck people anywhere else but in his own apartment? (More specifically, his apartment in a foreign country. It's not like he has a whole lot of other resources in that department.) Yeah, that will go over just swell.

"This bar is too loud, let's head somewhere more private. How about your place? ...yes, again. I know. Again. Sorry, just...well, my ex-girlfriend still lives with me, and the walls are awfully thin, and I'm afraid of hurting her feelings, even though she's the one who dumped me." By this point, his date will have concluded that either he is still emotionally entangled with the girl who dumped him, or else he's completely lacking in testicles.