The question he has ask himself, FILM, isn't what he's doing now. It's want he wants to be doing ten or twenty years from now.

That or how much he's had to drink.

Besides, he can always go into politics.

@1: "Making love?" What the hell kind of crap porn are you watching?
What if you two want to have children later? It's possible you might be rejected by an adoption agency or surrogate mother for this reason...
Also, for the record, in sentence 4 change "want" to "what", in sentence 8 delete "be", and tell FILM that he shouldn't refer to the love of his life as "just a server."
We used to make up ridiculous strings of verbs when we were stoned. We even called it the "are be" language, because almost all of them started with "are be".
The answer to question one could also be porn star or porn director.
If none of those questions Dan mentions even occurred to you two...if your friends haven't bothered to tell you what their specific concerns may be...or if they did, and you either can't recall them or don't think they're worth mentioning...then it's self-evident you guys have no reason not to have him give it a go. Just remember Lindy's link and everybody be careful:
When he first began working in the industry in June, Burts said agents "loved my look and said I had money written all over me."
He said he began to have doubts about the business after contracting chlamydia, gonorrhea and herpes in his first month of work, but was convinced to keep working.…
Now picturing Fnarf trying to pronounce a series of verbs starting with "rb" - "rbee" "rboo" "rbout"
Dan's concerns are valid, and should be weighed, but I still say go for it. Life's short.

I'd say this one needs a follow-up if or when the video comes out. Let us know, FILM!!
@10, no, it's like "I are be am going were be to the store, you want anything?" Like I said, we were high.

Dan's "maybe your friends are be a pack of sex-negative hypocrites" pales in comparison, but then maybe he's not high.
Wouldn't be awesome if people could act in porn and NOT fear the judgment of sex negative "friends" 20 years down the line? Wouldn't it be awesome if there was nothing to worry about in the future, because those friends (and co-workers, and family members) would view having acted in porn as similar to modeling for an Abercrombie & Fitch catalog (i.e., you were clearly young and hot, so good for you)?

Yeah, I know. I'm living in a dream world.
What makes me kinda want to side with the friends saying "absolutely not" is the fact that the LW is 24 and I remember how many not-so-wise decisions I made at 24, coupled with the fact that there is no acknowledgment in the letter of the possible downsides. And I kinda gotta agree with Dan on the whole future employment thing - a decade down the road, almost none of my friends (or me, for that matter) are pursuing the kinds of careers we thought we would be pursuing. I have one friend filling out applications with the State Department, and we really didn't see that coming 10 years ago.

I would say do it under two scenarios: 1) The boyfriend really wants to pursue an actual career in porn. Or 2) they both feel it will greatly enhance their relationship and/or sex life.

The letter just made me feel like they were thinking it would be a great way to get a trip and some extra cash, with some fleeting kinky thrills on the side. And none of that seems like it would really be worth the potential downsides (possible disease exposure and messing with possible future career choices, mainly). Also, I kinda wondered why they don't just make their own porn a la HUMP:)
#13 ftw
"He's just a server."

What a crappy statement. Booooo on you, FILM.
Since when does porn-negative=sex-negative?
First of all ... this is not about "porn".

This is about one partner wanted to break out of the relationship and see what the grass is like on the other side of the fence.

This happens in these "guilt free" type relationships ( f-buddies, FWPs and so on) but the end result is usually (always) one person moves on, the other person gets hurt.

Therefore, I think the person should let his partner do the movies, but at the same time end the relationship entirely. None of this sitting around hearing about all the "great actors" he was with, or waiting for a telephone call to pick him up at the "studio" which never comes. have to think about this type of relationship as a stock. You bought in early. Got got a good long ride. Now it's peaked. SELL! SELL the G-D stock!
Dan is, of course, right.

I'm in my mid-40s. I'm also now transitioning into a 4th major career change. When I was 24, I had no idea I would end up doing what I am now doing. Two of the 4 careers I've embarked on would have been non-starters if I had done any porn when I was 24. That sucks, but it's reality.
I don't think we can give FILM valid advice until we see a pic of the hot boyfriend...
To be, or not to be the change you want to see in the world. That is the question.
Is there any way the bf could do the porn and conceal his identity? Draw on a fake birthmark? Wear a mask? A wig and a mask? Body makeup?
If the only impediment to his realizing his porn fantasy is fear that it will come back to bite him later (and that's a legitimate fear), is there any way to render him less recognizable and to not leave a trail?
@23 - a lace-front wig and professionally-made prosthetic nose would do the trick, no problem.
Dan you disappoint me. When you began with "(l)et's forget about your friends, FILM, and get back to your super-hot boyfriend:..." what I expected to follow was: "I couldn't possibly offer a sound opinion without first examining plenty of photos."
#13 ftw : me too. So long as you know the downsides and are OK with possibly carrying some stigma for life (might be easy at 24 but not at 44) then why not.

in the future ... would view having acted in porn as similar to modeling for an Abercrombie & Fitch catalog

Depends completely on the porn. There's Maxfield Parish and then there's waaaaaay nasty. Why not check into the rep of the people you're thinking of working for? If they're legit, their talent from years past can clue you to any stoppers.

Until such time as all rich conservatives who run companies die out, there will always be some employers out there who do care about whether job applicants have done porn or anything else that constitutes moral turpitude. Hell, as long as gay people can still be fired for being gay, porn stars still have something to worry about. Fair or not, termination on moral grounds does still happen, and there's not a whole lot people can do to fight back against it. Most of the ones I know had pretty good fallback positions before they got into porn to begin with. Hell, one was even a celebrated journalist who ended up getting into broadcasting.
@27 First, please god tell me his name is Thomas Roberts, and second, then tell me where I can find that porn.
Given how mainstream porn has become in the last 20 years, I have to think in another 20 years there will be little if any stigma to being in a porn flick.
Am I the only one smelling a scam?
It was public knowledge during the campaign that the current junior senator of Massachusetts had posed nude and yet he still got elected. Granted it's not hardcore gay porn, but things seem to be moving in the right direction.
Yay, despicable me.
You will be surprised at how your view of life or your circumstances can change as you get older. Even if you ask yourself all the right questions now, life has a way of flipping everything on it's head (no pun intended). On the other hand, if the money gives your friend a chance at something like a college education, something that could pay dividends, then it might, indeed, be worth it.
@19 - I think you may be projecting some of your own experiences and insecurities onto FILM. It doesn't sound like FILM's boyfriend is trying to leave him (or the relationship) in the dust -- in fact, there's nothing at all in the letter to suggest that. One partner getting special opportunities or attention (whatever they may be) doesn't signal the end of a relationship. If it did, then people in relationships would never be allowed to change or try anything new, ever, which, for me, spells a dull and poisonous partnership.
"Granted it's not hardcore gay porn, but things seem to be moving in the right direction. "

It wasn't even porn -- that "notorious" Cosmo centerfold doesn't reveal anything.
Hmmm. Maybe the letter is legit, but this detail rings false: "The money they offered is fantastic..." Even big-name porn stars will be the first to tell you that there is little money to be made in porn, so I can't imagine that a 24-year-old with no experience would be making "fantastic" money. Unless, of course, a few hundred dollars is "fantastic."
1: You made some serious typing errors. Let me assist: "Watching two men fight and beat each other to a pulp is okay and glorified, watching two men make love, that's totally a disgusting turn on that no one has seen but knows it when they do. I will never understand the [PREFERENCES OF STRAIGHT MEN]."

BTW, we straight men don't give a shit whether you understand. Also, that whole "making love" thing, yeah well, straight guys make jokes about that shit. We fuck, we don't make love.
@36: Yeah, that was another thing that made me think there was something weird about it. Either the LW is getting very excited over a pittance or the legitimacy of the sum offered is a little questionable (is it a situation where you have to pay expenses or you can make "up to" a certain amount?). The cost-benefit analysis for me wasn't working out to the "win-win" situation the LW seemed to think it was...
Dan is right, but it's also possible that porn made now will be lost in the massive quantities that already exist and that will continue to be made. However, if the company making it is well known, and the bf is truly super hot, then the likelihood that it will disappear over time is diminished.

In the event that they decide to go through with it, they should be asking for royalties. A one time payment, regardless of how big it sounds to a 24 y/o, is not proper compensation for the work.
I have to agree that something sounds a little fishy about the proposition coming via facebook and offering such amazing money for something that plenty of others are doing and NOT making amazing money for.

And then there's this: I obviously don't know everyone in the porn industry, but I would imagine there are lots of producers and fellow performers who are not going to be scrupulously honest about health and working conditions and not much care about the how those things might affect any one young individual who crosses their collective paths. As we used to say in the '80s, "Herpes is forever." And herpes might be the least of their problems.

And I think these two overestimate the amount of "fun" making porn is and underestimate the sheer drudgery of the process and how it will affect their private sex life. If there continues to be one.
A bit off-topic but not much: How is it sex-negative to watch porn and still think that it's a little icky to sleep with hundreds of random strangers? Does it make me a hypocrite to watch the movie with a suspension of disbelief, without focusing on the fact that the chick in it might be some desperate girl who is only thinking of her paycheck? I don't watch blockbuster action films focused on the stunt men either (jobs I also think are dangerous and ill-advised) and that seems to be okay. I like sex, I'm not going to lobby that porn should be illegal or anything, but do I HAVE to respect porn actors and actresses? I suppose I'm grateful they make it, since I like to watch it, but I don't really respect them for it.
On the other hand, the things Dan discusses might never happen. I did a handful of porn films 10 years ago, one of which was fairly notorious. To date, neither family nor employers has ever heard of it, and no boyfriends or exes have every threatened to blackmail me over it, though every year or so at some gay event or vacation spot I run into some guy who recognizes me from it.
I'm a little confused as to why Dan didn't go into the STD risks in porn - HIV, herpes, chlamydia, gonorrhea, etc. Also, there seems to be a certain amount of cynicism that goes along with being in that scene - kind of like seeing how a hot dog is made, it might be magical in your mouth, but you probably don't want to know the icky details behind the scenes. If the guys think it's for them, I'm certainly not going to judge them for it, but they should be careful what they get into.
While I agree that it should be approached cautiously, I don't think 20 years from now that it will have the same stigma that it does today. Look, 18 years ago Bill Clinton had to go through all sorts of contortions to downplay his use of marijuana. Every President since has not only openly admitted to having used marijuana but also significantly harder drugs as well. People talk about how all these sexting pics and pics from naked college romps -- from streaking, dares, forfeits, and just juvinile antics -- will ruin your life, but I think that they'll be so common relatively soon that they'll essentially be ignored. Hell, we already have a U.S. Senator who once did a nude photo spread. At my last company, my boss, a Senior VP, had done porn and the entire company knew about it. (I found out when my roommate saw my boss and showed me photos.) Apparently he had been an escort, too. Now, sexual activity on camera (porn) is a bit more extreme, but even so, it's not the last-ditch end-of-the-road life-ending act of desperation it once was.

Pictures, or it never happened. You know the rules...
Journalist is a broad term. Even Dan Savage could be considered a journalist (and no, he's not the porn star). As it stands, it's not a cable news anchor of any stripe. Unless you're into bearish types, I'm not sure you'd be interested in seeing the porn from the (print journalist) guy I'm referring to, sorry.
I don't know what gay male porn stars say, but straight male porn stars often complain that porn has wrecked their private sex lives. It's not that the private sex can't compare, it is that porn has made them somewhat indifferent to all sex. Also, in straight porn at least, the emphasis on the come shot has made it so being a good porn star means being a good masturbator more than being a good sex partner. The ability to come on cue is prized as much as anything else. Again, I don't know anything about gay porn, but I would think there is overlap.

From the letter writer's perspective, I would be just as concerned about the probable big negative effect on the couple's sex life as I would on the long term repercussions. He is going to come home all fucked out and annoyed with sex after spending five hours on a set. He may have issues dealing with having to wrestle with erections. He has never needed to keep it up practically all day before, now he will, and he will be judged pretty harshly on whether he succeeds or not. Also, his dick (and ass if that is going to be involved) may well just need a break after being rubbed raw for hours.

We all like ice cream right? You know who doesn't eat ice cream don't you? People who work in an ice cream shop.
Actually, Learned Hand, I worked in an ice-cream shop for a few months, and I beg to differ. I did continue to like ice-cream -- I just didn't have it all the time.

There are ways to avoid the 'tyring effect' that you're talking about (which does indeed exist), and if these two are serious about the porn they should consider it. For instance, if, as it seems, money isn't their big problem now, and the porn money would be a welcome but not desperately necessary bonus, then they can plan it so that the boyfriend doesn't do too much porn -- they can play with it for a while till they find the right number of work hours per week that still allows them to continue with their sex life together in a satisfactory manner.
@41 -- I also watch porn but have no interest in being in one. I'm not sure why frowning on a job is the same thing as frowning on the person who has the job. I have no problem with sex workers or porn actors... i respect them as people and i hope nothing but the best for them. Still, I think their career choice is a poor one, I don't respect them for their choice in career, and I would encourage people I cared about to avoid those careers.

Incidentally, i could say all the same things about my brother, who chose to get a college degree in music, and i swear i'm not any more music-negative than i am sex-negative.
@45 - Google "Marco Antonio." You may have to refine your search to avoid the boxer and musician, and perhaps others of the same name.

@47 - I do have a friend who, years ago, did both gay porn and escorting. For him, it did wreck his sex life for a time because he said that whenever he had sex for fun, he couldn't stop thinking about how much money he was losing by not waiting for a paying job. Perhaps that's why he's now an accountant; other friends now or formerly in the biz didn't feel the same way.
@5, 16: I don't see the problem with the "just a server" comment. In context, it's clear that it just meant that the guy doesn't have a high-profile job, and wasn't meant to demean him or say that that's all there is to him as a person.

And to everyone who asked why being porn-negative is being sex-negative: Because being sex-positive means supporting people's consensual choices, thinking sex is a good and beautiful thing, and that there's nothing shameful about having, watching, or enjoying sexual acts. It's fine if you don't personally like porn or don't want to work in the industry, but if you think there's something *wrong* with it, that's being sex-negative.
@51, even in context, I think his phrase is demeaning to his partner. It shows an inability to imagine his partner as anything else, plus an inability to imagine that being a server might be an important job. Maybe his partner is cool with it, but I wouldn't be.
Oh, for heaven's sake, go for it already and send us the link!
I agree with @4, what if you do want to have kids when the time is right? This will stop you dead in your tracks. If your man really wants to do it then go ahead, but think about what you want. And make sure this is the person you want to have that with.
@51, I still maintain that you can be porn-career-negative without being sex-negative. This theory that you have to be 'for' every single sex-related thing out there ever or else you're 'against' sex is absurd. I can watch porn without thinking about how many people the actors had been with and how there are probably 2 dozen other completely disinterested people in the room during filming, how someone probably yelled "Cut!" mid-scene 5 times, and how both (or more) people in the scene probably aren't turned on at all and see it as just another boring day at work. In fact, if I thought about all that I'd never enjoy watching it. Being against a career in pron, for me or my loved ones should they ask my opinion, isn't sex negative. It's sex positive! I love sex and really think it should be fun for fun's sake, not work for money's sake. I respect peoples' rights to do as they choose, but that doesn't mean I have to respect every choice. Dan respects peoples' rights to have and engage in their fetishes, but even he has called some things "a fetish too far". Boundaries do not equal negativity.
I'm over 50, and done porn in my late 30-40s. I didn't embark on a career, I would just get calls from people I was dating, or people who knew people I knew; "Wanna make some porn? We need a guy for XXX and it pays $$". I was working back in VHS and magazines, so it's unlikely that you'll ever see me on the internet, although I understand I was "recut" and re-released when DVDs first came out. Porn collectors are collectors, and I'm sure my stuff is still out there in someones attic. I've never regretted it, but you do have to look down the road.

I worked and still work for political campaigns and causes I believe in. I knew then that I could never run for office myself, and I was right. I can't even run here in SF, porn may not be as much a political red flag here, but politically incorrect (BDSM/transsexual) porn is. I got paid for porn, I can never be paid by a campaign. I never have my picture taken with a candidate or at campaign HQ, I never appear in B-roll. If the candidate is going to appear at the "victory" party, I don't go. All of this would apply whether you've been paid for your party pictures or not.

At the same time, a seriously twisted woman I dated then, was very careful to never have her picture taken and always carefully compartmentalize her life. She was a junior lawyer, and when the boom hit, was offered big money to go to New York and work for one of those "three names on the letterhead" law firms. I'm sure she screwed more people for money than I ever did.

@55: I think you can point out the problems with a porn career without being sex-negative, as long as you realize that for some people, it is the career they want, problems and all, and isn't a bad choice for everyone.

Also, many of the problems you point out have to do with big corporations making poor-quality porn to try to increase profits. There are similar problems in any field, though: there's always grunt work to do, there are always companies that have poor product quality and a poor working environment, and you always have to start at the bottom.
Your future as a televangelist is over if you do porn. Just ask Ted Haggard and George Rekers. The best you will do is guest shots on the 700 Club. Remember Marilyn Chambers (Deep Throat)? She's a regular on the Christian guest speaker circuit. You can make a living but the travel is living hell and you either have to stay with some minister and his wife or be resigned to living in Best Western of Terra Haute-style flea bags where you have to shake the dust from the bed spread.

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