SL Letter of the Day: Soft Focus

Comments

Excellent take on this, Dan.

venomlash on February 7, 2011 at 2:37 PM

Excellent advice for putting a guy at ease.

His hand on his own cock, as long as it feels good there. My mouth and hands and pussy are put to use whenever and wherever they come in handy. If his hand stays on his cock, and he shoots in my mouth or elsewhere on my body -- we call that a win for the good side, just as much as if he came (in a condom) inside my pussy.

(Generally, I try also to enjoy sex play where one person (or both) doesn't get all the way to orgasm. That Zen-like approach can be a little harder to maintain, especially in new & unfamiliar situations...)

EricaP on February 7, 2011 at 2:37 PM

Pot, seriously? Always kills it for me.

Blech on February 7, 2011 at 2:37 PM

dude. they make pills for this now, its awesome, though expensive. get a prescription. and people dont have to come all the time during sex, though not having to worry about loosing a raging boner is a great turn on.

aardvark on February 7, 2011 at 2:39 PM

Great advice -- thanks for the good SLLOTD.

Azul on February 7, 2011 at 2:44 PM

Youth is wasted on the young.

Fifty-Two-Eighty on February 7, 2011 at 2:48 PM

@4 He said very clearly that he's tried the pills.

Belle Starr on February 7, 2011 at 2:50 PM

@7 oh i gave up after he said he's a vegetarian. what 6 said.

aardvark on February 7, 2011 at 3:04 PM

Perfect, Dan. One of those days where there's nothing to add, other than I hope Letter Writer takes your advice to heart.

Canuck on February 7, 2011 at 3:05 PM

I had to stop and think about the last line. Sometimes pot magnifies existing anxiety, but I suppose sometimes it helps you take a mental step "away" and regain perspective.
Of course, then you get anxious all over again worrying about having pot breath.

DanFan503 on February 7, 2011 at 3:18 PM

This answer can be summed up by the clitoris: "Believe in yourself dude. Chicks dig confidence."

Easier snarked than done, but the sentiment is the same.

TheMisanthrope on February 7, 2011 at 3:23 PM

I've had similar issues over the years. I find that my ability to stay hard for long stretches (no pun intended) comes (damn it! seriously, no pun intended) and goes for months at a time. But, it's really all in my mind. I think your advice, Dan, is right on. I'd just add that no matter how confident you are, there will be times when the brain-chatter during sex leads to anxiety about when/if you're going to come or stay hard; and that's a definite boner-killer. My wife and I have found that simply naming what is buzzing around in our heads does a lot to calm our minds and ameliorate these situations. For example, if I'm afraid I'm not hard enough, and start worrying, our conversation might go something like:

ME: Hey, my mind is all abuzz, and I don't think I'm going to come.
HER: No problem. You don't have to come or even stay hard. But, can we still mess around? I'm having fun.
ME: Sure! I will now perform cunnilingus on you!

The roles can be and often are reversed. In both cases, we both have to be sincere about not caring whether orgasms happen. But, after the pressure is gone, orgasms are usually only a few minutes away. Or, they don't happen at all, which is also totally cool. Sorry about the giant post. Hope it's helpful.

benjamincerf on February 7, 2011 at 3:23 PM

@ 8, don't comment if you're not going to read the whole thing.

Matt from Denver on February 7, 2011 at 3:24 PM

Nothing against pot, but instead of smoking it, AUTS should find some other means of ingestion. It's entirely possible that the issues are physiological and entirely due to his recently ceased cigarette smoking.

Smoking inhibits peripheral circulation and it can take a while for the assorted pollutants to clear the body.

saxfanatic on February 7, 2011 at 3:37 PM

13 suck my ass

aardvark on February 7, 2011 at 3:43 PM

All good advice, thought the efficacy of pot might vary from individual to individual.

Also, if he's shy about stroking it in the presence of a partner (which I would guess he might be, given the generally anxious tone of his letter)...just do it while you go down on her! If you're doing a halfway decent job, she won't even notice.

bleedingheartlibertarian on February 7, 2011 at 3:44 PM

Virtual hug, LW. Take Dan's advice to heart and take the performance pressure off. Good luck.

kim in portland on February 7, 2011 at 3:45 PM

Not only is this excellent advice, Dan, but I love the phraseology, "your problem is under your helmet, not on your saddle."

And #14, if the problem were physiological, then he should be having trouble getting hard during masturbation, too, and he's not.

Corylea on February 7, 2011 at 3:52 PM

The only thing I might throw in is this: LW says "I've tried being sober during love-making and still failed to perform"

There's something about that phrasing that possibly suggests LW spends rather more time not being sober... in which case addressing that's probably also going to be necessary as high alcohol use definitely impairs sexual function in men.

BEG on February 7, 2011 at 3:59 PM

"I've also used Cialis (prescribed to me) before and experienced only an erratic increase in libido."

Cialis doesn't increase your libido, it just makes your dick harder if you are horny. Double your dose about an hour before you are about to fuck. Repeat until you learn to get your head out of your dick's way.

Also, try tarting your lady up a bit with lingerie or a school girl uniform or whatever you are into. Ask her to pose for you. Rub your cock on her tits. Maybe give her ass a slap. Stick your face between her legs and inhale deeply. Take your time, enjoy, no need to dive right into the fucking.

Also, pot.

seandr on February 7, 2011 at 4:02 PM

@15 rude. :(

More, I Say! on February 7, 2011 at 4:03 PM

I'd have two questions for the LW.

1) Are you still getting morning wood?
2) Are you achieving strong erections during masturbation (or does it "work" simply because you're achieving orgasm)?

Could be a perfect storm of physical and mental issues feeding each other.

pg13 on February 7, 2011 at 4:03 PM

@18: Not necessarily: The erections are achieved in a variety of ways but only maintained with masturbation, which by definition is a ton of very focused attention from someone who has expert knowledge of the specific equipment. That's a lot for a lay practitioner to compete with (sorry).

Hmm. Perhaps it's simply a death-grip issue. I'm surprised Dan didn't mention it.

saxfanatic on February 7, 2011 at 4:06 PM

The way I see it, his fundamental problem is that he's a character on Portlandia. A bicycling vegan? All signs are that he's trying very hard to be a PNW archetype, which leaves little room for actually enjoying, well, anything.

also on February 7, 2011 at 4:06 PM

I don't think this is the kind of question that can get answered at a distance. Either physically or psychologically, there's something very different about this guy from most straight guys. Have any of the guys who Savage has told to re-train their dicks ever written in to say it works? I personally just don't buy it. Dicks like what they like and do what they do, I think. If a dick doesn't get off to a certain stimulus, then there's got to be a reason other than "I masturbated too much" or no guy would get off to anything but his own hand ever.

Centrists Rule the World today on February 7, 2011 at 4:16 PM

My most recent boyfriend has suffered for 10+ years with anorgasmia (the technical term for someone who can neither achieve orgasm nor ejaculation). He was finding he could cum only about once per year, and even masturbation was problematic. He was tested for low testosterone and found that his levels were quite low. That led to weekly injections that have been going on for years now, to little avail. Then his doctor had him try a compound called Yohimbine in addition to the shots, which allowed him to cum with a tiny bit more regularity. He also has variously tried Cialis. With the physical aspects addressed to the extent they could be, and positive results not forthcoming, my own conclusion is that a lot of this does come down to what Dan described as "being under the helmet." I would encourage the letter-writer to thoroughly investigate with a good urologist all of the physical elements that could be causing his problem. But eventually he may also have to seek psychotherapy. I greatly empathize with what he's going through. My boyfriend's problems eventually impacted the future of our relationship, because -- as Dan often points out -- sexual compatibility is very, very important to long-term happiness in a relationship. And the ways in which his frustrations with the anorgasmia manifested themselves were not healthy for me, either physically or emotionally, so eventually I had to make the difficult decision to end the relationship.

Blaze on February 7, 2011 at 4:18 PM

@24: >:-( He's vegetarian, not vegan, and not all of us who bicycle and walk instead of driving and don't eat meat have trouble enjoying life.

John Horstman on February 7, 2011 at 4:40 PM

Hey, Anxious..I am with someone who I couldn't get off with me for the first 6 months of our relationship. We fooled around plenty, & although he hadn't dated a lot of people, with the right guidance, he made me come a lot. I wanted to reciprocate, started to get impatient, & to feel like something was wrong with me..not attractive enough, something..but then I recalled Dan's advice about the death grip.

Anxious, the death grip syndrome is when a guy has become so used to his particular style of masturbating that nothing else can get him off. Sometimes this gets compounded by the *awareness* that nothing else is gonna make him come, & that hangs in between the partners, making it hard to relax. Since my honey had been single for quite some time before me, I decided it was gonna be on me to be less anxious. I let him know I'd be happy if climax happened for him, but that I just loved going down on him & other play, regardless. & then I let my actions follow. There was about a month of play for play's sake, when I back-burnered my wanting his orgasm & fooled around a lot.

Eventually he felt relaxed enough around me that he was able to masturbate to climax w/ me there. Now we sort of combo his self-play w/ some oral action, & I'd like to get him off from mouth/pussy alone, but I'll take what I can get & enjoy the ride along the way. I feel connected to him 'cause I'm involved with his getting off. But we wouldn't have gotten to this point if we weren't both patient.

Your letter reads like it's mostly anxiety, & Dan's advice is sound. It's cool to want to connect with someone that way, but if it's someone you're really into, don't be afraid to take things very slowly. That can be hot. & be honest, when you get down to more serious foolin' around. Most women can handle hearing that someone's hard to get off, as long as they hear it ahead of time & don't think it's an issue with them personally. Heck, some guys/gals I know view that sorta thing as a challenge.

..I know this post is utterly too long, but if it helps to know you're not alone in your situation, & it can be - overcome - then there ya go. Good luck. Worry less.

on February 7, 2011 at 4:51 PM

@25: "Have any of the guys who Savage has told to re-train their dicks ever written in to say it works? I personally just don't buy it. Dicks like what they like and do what they do, I think."

Are you kidding me? Men definitely can and do learn to control their dicks. Otherwise we'd all still be blowing our loads in 30 seconds like a bunch of 16 year-olds. Maybe some guys come out of the gate fucking like porn stars, but I think most men experience a learning curve at least in the beginning.

LW needs more practice than he is getting.

seandr on February 7, 2011 at 4:54 PM

Seandr - 100% agree. @ 25, I have bumped into the scenario Dan describes, the death-grip thing, more than once. If it sounds unfamiliar to you, congratulations, you've had a steady enough sex life that your dick (assuming you're a dude) won't only release when you grab it with the strength of a bear & speed of a jackhammer, @ a 20% incline, only. But it does happen, folks get so used to their own touch that showing someone else how to press the magic button becomes very difficult. I hope someone else who took Dan's advice about that writes in.

on February 7, 2011 at 4:59 PM

When my bf and I began having sex five years ago in college, he was a virgin in all respects. He also had trouble achieving climax through vaginal intercourse (blow/hand jobs always did the trick). He has type 1 diabetes and a history of cancer, so we thought these might be the causes. However, after months of practice, we realized he just hadn't figured out how to transition his masturbating skills to sex. 4.5 years later, he finishes every time. Keep trying, buddy! Find a patient girl who's willing to work through it with you!!!

ABags0217 on February 7, 2011 at 5:01 PM

@29 - Learning control is a completely different thing. What I'm questioning is the ability to change fundamentally what your dick responds to in the first place. If you're wired for pussy, you're going to get wood around a chick. I don't care how much you masturbate. Dan's always talking about the "death grip" and de-sensitization. I want to hear from a guy who couldn't get hard, modified his masturbation routine and suddenly got wood or achieved orgasm during intercourse. Personally, I could be drunk, fighting typhiod, and just got done masturbating for the tenth time in a row, and if a hot naked chick (OK, probably any naked chick) were in the room, I'd get hard. And I may be wrong, but i think that's pretty much how dicks work. But if I'm wrong, I want these guys with the death grips to write in about how they re-trained their dicks. It would be eye-opening! I want to be proven wrong!

Centrists Rule the World today on February 7, 2011 at 5:07 PM

@30, @31 - no offense, but I want to hear from one of these guys themselves. No matter how well you know the guy, you can't explain what actually went on in their heads or bodies during this miraculous transformation.

Centrists Rule the World today on February 7, 2011 at 5:11 PM

@32: When it comes to who and what turns us one, I agree, a dick likes what it likes. I frankly have no idea why I like some of the things I do, and I don't think it's possible for me to unlike them.

But death grip, performance anxiety, and premature ejaculation? Those are all problems you can train your way out of. You just need a good training partner.

seandr on February 7, 2011 at 5:26 PM

What @19 said. Clean yourself up.

Approaching 40 in LA on February 7, 2011 at 5:36 PM

Hah, @30, I'm a girl who's experienced her own form of death grip. I only masturbate one way--it used to be when I was younger (like 15 or so) that I could get off any which way by myself. (I was a virgin until I was 18--and that's including oral, with only very limited amounts of fingering). One way worked best/fastest, so that's the one I stuck with. Fast forward three years, and that became the only way I could orgasm in anything less than say an hour or so. It's only recently (I'm 19) that I've been able to orgasm during sex from PIV--the way we have sex hasn't changed at all, it's always felt amazing, but I basically took dan's advice and started really varying the way I masturbate. If I really don't think I'm going to get there and am REALLY horny and we're both getting frustrated, I'll switch to a position where I can touch myself the way I need and he can still get off--but that's really only one position, and only one place we can do it. But now I can come from all sorts of things that just used to feel super amazing and frustrating. Hooray for Dan!

on February 7, 2011 at 5:37 PM

@32: I've been there, done that. Dan is right: 'death-grip' syndrome does exist, and it is curable.

It's not about your penis liking something ('bear-like pressure plus jackhammer vibrations'); it's about de-sensitizing it. If you spend too much time in a place with very loud music, your ears get de-sensitized. If you send too much time in a place with horrible smells, your nose gets desensitized. So when you go somewhere else you don't hear well, and you can't feel the smells very well. Now, if you let some time pass, your 'de-sensitization' will wear off, and you will slowly become able to hear noises and feel smells again.

(Of course, if you spend too long in such places... you might permanently harm your ears or your sense of smell. They might never go back to what they once were. I suppose the same is true for obsessive 'death-grip' masturbation.)

So, it's not about 're-training your dick.' People with 'death grip syndrome' are still perfectly capable of getting an erection if a naked (or even, as you say, any lady...) enters the room. What is difficult for them is getting off simply by penetrating said naked lady. The feeling of her pussy is just not as strong as the feeling of his own hands. His penis has been de-sensitized. That's all.

And by restraining yourself in several ways -- from changing your masturbation routine to actually abstaining from masturbation for a while -- you can re-sensitize it, so that you can once again have orgasms with less strong stimulation than your 'death grip'.

ankylosaur on February 7, 2011 at 6:23 PM

These kind of letters break my heart. There's lots of good advice here for you, AUTS. Good luck to you, I hope you never give up until you find the right technique and/or treatment that works best for your problem.

despicable me on February 7, 2011 at 7:09 PM

@16, if he's worrying about his wood, he's not going to be a very enthusiastic giver of head to his girlfriend, which will lead her to have the same anxieties he's currently suffering.

Rather, he should get over his shyness. Adults who aren't delighted with their current sex life should learn how to touch themselves in the presence of their sex partners (and even with the lights on). That's not such a high bar to leap over, and it can improve the couple's sex life immeasurably.

EricaP on February 7, 2011 at 7:09 PM

@27: Relax. I didn't say that everyone who lives a cliche PNW lifestyle is incapable of enjoying life. I said that this guy in particular sounds like he may be trying to hard, and that that makes it hard to enjoy life.

If the guy had said he was from Los Angeles, and if he had made a real point of telling a sex columnist that he drove a BMW and frequently snorted coke off of fake tits, I would have had similar thoughts: maybe he's fundamentally unhappy because he's trying to live a cliche. Doesn't mean other people can't love their Beemers and fake tit coke, just that some people are faking it and unhappy/maladjusted because of it.

also on February 7, 2011 at 7:19 PM

ankylosaur @ 37,

I respect your transparency on this and other topics. It says wonderful things about your character.

Best wishes to you and to your's,
k

kim in portland on February 7, 2011 at 7:29 PM

Good advice Dan. I think a lot of young guys struggle with this sometimes, because we're growing up in a society that encourages us to think more than ever, about everything, which is a good thing- but the brain can become a source of interference with the more carnal aspects of our bodies.

I want to add one thing that has helped me with situations where nerves get the better of my own body: Nurture and maintain a very active fantasy life. Fantasize while you masturbate about the things you are going to do when you're with a partner, vividly, in as much graphic detail as you can muster, hell even talk it out with yourself. In some cases, fantasy can actually be an ok substitute for the real thing, and when you do get to that moment with your partner, it's almost as if you have already been practicing, especially in this situation where the work to be done is really mental.

shivvvers on February 7, 2011 at 7:58 PM

Finally!!!! I have been waiting for ever and a day for Dan to address ED. I seriously thought it would never happen. Thank you, LW, for eliciting this post by writing such a nice letter.

As a woman who's dated (a lot!) let me point your attention to what Dan told you to SAY to the ladies. Your partner is going to really appreciate being clued in ahead of time. Trust me on this.

attitude devant on February 7, 2011 at 8:08 PM

Also, ecstasy.

polyfabulous on February 7, 2011 at 8:35 PM

@40: please. No one's buying it, and you know it.

aiff on February 7, 2011 at 10:01 PM

@43. i second that. insecurity is contagious in these contexts. you don't want her thinking you didn't come because she turns you off, or she smells, or she is a lousy lay. which are all questions that will haunt her, during and after, if she's not apprised in advance that it's YOUR problem.

ellarosa on February 7, 2011 at 10:26 PM

@33--I'm a guy, and it works. (I came to this conclusion on my own before reading Dan, but I think Dan's advice on the subject is spot-on). Combine a death grip with even mild anxiety about sex (religious background, general shyness) and an otherwise perfectly healthy young guy can have a hard time getting off with a partner.

@39--Fair enough! Perhaps multi-tasking shouldn't be at the top of his list at the moment.

bleedingheartlibertarian on February 7, 2011 at 11:17 PM

If he's stressing out about her enjoyment, it might be a good idea to make her come with his hands or tongue, then fuck her afterward. Some guys can relax a lot more easily if they know she's already had hers ;-)

melbzig on February 8, 2011 at 3:39 AM

@41 (kim in portland), why thank you! That such a thoughtful and ethical person as yourself says this means a lot to me.

@39 (EricaP) -- that's also been my experience. Both he and his partner will have to work together, and I agree that being sincere about it, so the girl doesn't let her own insecurities and/or shyness convince her that "it's her fault" is the best way. I note, though, that most shy people don't choose or even like to be shy: they would stop being shy in a heartbeat if it were as simple as snapping one's fingers.

ankylosaur on February 8, 2011 at 3:43 AM

Just one last thing to remember, if you guys are using condoms for birth control try to ejaculate on her tits or at least in that area, ejaculating on or around her vulva(including the stomach, it can roll down!) presents a small, but real chance, of getting her pregnant.

blahcula on February 8, 2011 at 4:45 AM

@37 - I love that you can feel smells! :)

new york state of mind on February 8, 2011 at 7:31 AM

@12: That's pretty much how my BF and I handle it. Kind of insane how that conversation is identical to several we've had.

Gloria on February 8, 2011 at 7:45 AM

Do you have anything to cite--a reliable source--on the cycling thing? I'm pretty sure that's a myth.

on February 8, 2011 at 7:53 AM

@49, Granted, shyness is a real feeling. But one can take concrete, simple actions to make oneself feel less self-conscious in front of someone else. Baby steps, at first, but with an awareness of where the couple is trying to go -- being comfortable masturbating while the other one can see. Try uncovering one body part while keeping the rest clothed (that's how doctors put us at ease). Try touching oneself and each other through clothes. Take intercourse off the table for an evening and just make out. Have evenings where you just watch tv, naked or snuggling in just a blanket or robe. Try massage.

EricaP on February 8, 2011 at 9:21 AM

I think some mild kink might be in order. What fantasies turn him on, and/or mesh with his "under the helmet" issues? Maybe a kind dominant female could introduce him to cuck, or chastity, or forced masturbation/delayed-denied orgasm. I'd be interested to see him in the hands of a firm professional who could really take his mind and run with it. Maybe he's not just shy, but actually submissive.

on February 8, 2011 at 9:59 AM

@53: Have you heard of Google? Five seconds and a "cycling nerves genitals" later and I had this article:

Penile blood supply decreased significantly in 70% of the 40 cyclists who participated in the study. Numbness in the genital area was reported by 61%... and 19% of the cyclists who rode their bikes more than 250 miles per week complained of erectile dysfunction...

In a study of 463 cyclists competing in a long-distance cycling event... perineal numbness during the ride was experienced by 31% of the cyclists and was associated with erectile dysfunction...

Results of 35 studies... showed that the prevalence of moderate to severe erectile dysfunction in bicyclists was 4.2%, and that riding more than three hours per week was a risk factor...

In another meta-analysis... numbness of the genitalia was reported in 50%-91% of all cyclists, and erectile dysfunction was reported in 13%-24% of all cyclists.

Seems pretty non-mythical to me.

Backyard Bombardier on February 8, 2011 at 10:00 AM

Thanks for addressing this, Dan. I'm 32 and have dealt with ED throughout my adult life, though not to the extent that AUTS describes. The earliest occurrence I can remember happened when I was 21, with the most gorgeous woman I had ever encountered. I remain haunted by her question whenever the issue comes up in bed: "What's the matter? Most guys are hard before they even get through my door."

Before I continue, I want to emphasize that I am not meaning to shift any blame for this sort of performance anxiety to the partner. The problem originates with the sufferer, however it can be exacerbated by the partner. I'm writing this to suggest that women and men should be educated to be more sensitive about this condition than many who I've encountered, and also to not react to this problem as though it were due to a lack of desire for them.

While you'd think the best approach would be communication, the best partner I've ever had never spoke a word about the issue. She was entirely patient with me, allowed me to take the time I needed to get aroused, and was warmly accepting of my body and all aspects of my sexuality. With her, over time, my problem was "cured". She made me entirely comfortable with myself, confident, and with that I grew to perform to expectations.

In my current relationship, things are different. Early in our explorations she would let me know that she took offense that I would touch myself to get aroused rather than already having an erection by the time my pants were off or responding to her touch in the same way as to my own. She would let me know that she took it as a lack of attraction to her even as I protested. On top of that, I have a weight issue that has always been a problem. I'm not huge, but I have a lazy, soft body. My very petite girlfriend commented on that the first night we were together and continues to do so to this day. Though I've repeatedly let her know how much it hurts me, she'll even tease me about it in front of others. She frames it as concern for my health, which is valid, but when I'm in bed with her I can only think about how she's looking at my body and desiring someone firmer, slimmer. I'm constantly reading her face and reactions to me, sending my mind into distraction and away from the moment. Our sexual interactions are now mostly me bringing her to orgasm digitally or orally and fucking her for a couple of minutes before I come. The sexual prowess I enjoyed in the comfort of my prior partner has been lost and my desire for sex, which has always been strong, has been pushed aside by a defeating sense of inadequacy.

on February 8, 2011 at 11:02 AM

I'd like to request that you implement a FAQ, and save the much valued SLLOTD slot for the truly novel, debased, and entertaining stuff.

LukeJoe on February 8, 2011 at 11:12 AM

@57 jfkljsdrhrei - DTMFA. Life's too short to put up with that shit. (Oh, and register on Slog with a better name :-)

EricaP on February 8, 2011 at 11:14 AM

Dan nor any of the commenters mentioned refraining from masturbation for a bit before you expect to have sex. All the other things are important too but if you are beating your meat the morning of or day before it's that much harder to stay excited. So do the things that Dan said but give your dick a rest. For a young guy you should be hornier than hell if you haven't jerked in a while. I'm gay so don't know what women like but my bf thinks it's hot if I beat off while touching his body and admiring him.

ChazRI63 on February 8, 2011 at 11:27 AM

I've heard about professional sexual surrogates - could this situation be a good time to think about one? Where the focus is completely on YOU, and the things that are holding you back from a fuller intimacy, where boundaries are set up front with a partner who is there, specifically and professionally to help with this task? I know very little about the topic except for reading about it, but it popped into my head -- http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Sex_surroga…

skyweaver on February 8, 2011 at 11:36 AM

Seconding EricaP's suggestion to #57 to DTMFA. You sound nice, you don't need that kind of crap.

suebailey on February 8, 2011 at 11:44 AM

@59 - I totally agree that it's fun to tell people to DTMFA. I totally disagree that this narrow glimpse into an anonymous person's relationship draws a clear enough picture to make that call. I mentioned that I did not want to totally place blame on the partner in these situations and in the case of mine there is truly blame to share, beginning with the fact that I have not been consistent enough in communicating with her on this problem, which arises from my own embarrassment in adequately addressing the issue.

on February 8, 2011 at 11:50 AM

@63: Assuming you are also @57, you wrote: "She took offense that I would touch myself to get aroused rather than already having an erection... [She] commented on [my body] the first night we were together and continues to do so to this day. Though I've repeatedly let her know how much it hurts me, she'll even tease me about it in front of others... The sexual prowess I enjoyed in the comfort of my prior partner has been lost and my desire for sex, which has always been strong, has been pushed aside by a defeating sense of inadequacy."

Let's leave sex out of it for a second: you have told your partner that it hurts you when she teases you about your physique, and she keeps doing it. It sounds to me like you are struggling with some self-confidence and self-esteem issues, and rather than supporting you in that, your girlfriend is actively working against you.

You deserve better. Tell her to cut it out, or you're leaving.

Backyard Bombardier on February 8, 2011 at 11:57 AM

@ 57: must agree w/ the sound-speaking Erica P. & Backyard Bombadier. OK, so, you are adding that you may have some complicity in your situation, as you haven't communicated it to your partner. But you HAVE communicated your discomfort w/ her teasing about your body, & she does it anyhow. & touching yourself to get things going should be NBD. Standard issue bedroom practice. Your GF may be hot (guys love having petite women, it seems) but she doesn't sound (from your few sentences) like a supportive partner. You need to level of warmth & acceptance you found w/ your previous SO. It's out there..don't be afraid to be single for awhile while you look. Good luck!

Eva Hopkins on February 8, 2011 at 12:33 PM

@64 - Yes, 57 & 63 are the same poster, as is this comment. Yes, my girlfriend is being insensitive. And, yes, this is a problem that originates from performance anxiety that has been a factor for years. But here's what my girlfriend sees: a guy who gets very little exercise (except in the summers when I apparently further deteriorate my abilities by riding my bike everywhere), has smoked a pack/day for 18+ years, drinks upwards of 4 servings/day, too often gets stoned and helps himself to late night snacks before bed (all great reasons for my girlfriend to DTMFA!), gets little sleep and is stressed to no end over the job he dislikes. In spite of all this, I wake up with a hard-on every morning, have no problems masturbating, and get embarrassing erections on public transportation.

My original comment was intended to propose the general principle that partners need to know how to be sensitive to this condition in order to avoid making it worse, and to compare how my problem has been received by two different lovers and the resulting effects. I figured it would be followed with a few calls to DTMFA and now here I am senselessly defending my relationship, which is stronger than most others' in nearly all other aspects, and would be stronger in this aspect if the embarrassment I suffer from this problem did not keep me from being able to communicate about it as well as she and I communicate in the other important areas of our lives.

When I start taking care of myself better and this problem persists (and it will), I'll be better positioned to tell her that she's being a bit cunty, to knock it off and to be more sensitive. For now, I can hardly claim the higher ground.

on February 8, 2011 at 12:41 PM

If you have trouble with your hard-on, do a little testing to see if any of the products you use (or your partner, if applicable, uses) have an effect. Many people are very sensitive to common chemicals and DON'T KNOW IT. Shampoo, deodorant, perfume, lotion(!), lube(!) all can be a problem. Try EWG's safety site to get some clues on specific products. If this idea doesn't appeal to you so that you don't bother to find out, well, then, sir, I say, enjoy your floppiness. If you find that this IS a problem, let us know.

lewlew on February 8, 2011 at 12:43 PM

@57, 63, and 66---all the same guy---

Sweetheart, start taking better care of yourself right NOW---by getting rid of this so-called girlfriend. Seriously. Why do you want to be with someone who makes you feel bad about yourself?

You so do deserve better.

attitude devant on February 8, 2011 at 12:53 PM

@66, jfkljsdrhrei - okay, you love her, you don't want to dump her, ok ok. Can you set your alarms a little early and take advantage of your morning wood? Morning sex is great fun, starts the day off with a bang, and may restore some of your confidence. Also, I second what attitude devant said about starting to take care of yourself!

EricaP on February 8, 2011 at 1:01 PM

@68, 69 - it seems I can peel off endless layers revealing the details of my relationship and it will never take away the fun of writing DTMFA nor draw any attention away from me and to my original point. Since you're concerned: we have sex in the morning almost daily; she seems (and says she's) satisfied with the orgasms I'm able to give her on a regular basis without penetrative sex; we've had threesomes with men and women, realizing my longstanding fantasies; I'm able to satisfy my sexual interest in men without enduring any judgment or jealousy from my partner; I'm still having sex with that former SO who makes me feel good about myself and I'm doing so openly and within the bounds of my relationship. In many respects my sex life is enviable to many people yet I'm looking for more from my partner mainly to satisfy my insecurities born from an idea of myself that I'm not currently living up to. I'm not about to DTMFA in pursuit of perfection when the solution is in taking better physical care for myself and being more comfortable with addressing her insensitivity to my sensitive issue.

on February 8, 2011 at 2:24 PM

This letter sounds like it could've been written by my ex-boyfriend (with the exception of certain details). Apart from Dan's excellent advice, here's what I learned from the whole situation before we eventually broke up (because we both had different, relatively incompatible interests, not because of the problems we had during sex):
-don't masturbate 6 times per day and then try to have sex with your girlfriend. If you're bored, find a different hobby.
-If nothing is working after 30 minutes or so, and it's not fun for either of you anymore, stop and do something else. Try again the next day!
-reassure your partner that you struggled with this issue before and that it's not her fault
-if you have a good relationship with someone in all other areas (ie you have common interests and values, share a sense of humour and get along well) then that person will be willing to work this problem out with you.

Best of luck!

on February 8, 2011 at 2:51 PM

@70 So what the fuck are you waiting for? Stop smoking like a chimney, stop drinking like a fish and get a grip (no pun intended) on your body issues. Fix your diet and start exercising. Are you trying to give your nearly-perfect partner a reason to continually make fun of you?

The weed can stay though. Stock your favorite juice, carrots and peanut butter for more healthy munchies.

on February 8, 2011 at 3:47 PM

Well we didn't mean to offend, 70. After reading your latest post I'm clueless about what you DO want or why you wrote at all. Excuse us for thinking that maybe you didn't deserve to be put down. Have a nice time with your not-so-nice lady.

attitude devant on February 8, 2011 at 9:12 PM

@73 Hadn't read all of this til now, but I'm reminded of Dan's weekly column about a month ago, when a young man wrote in, and mentioned something his family had done that had a bunch of us jumping to his defense and giving him what we thought was constructive advice for how to deal with it. He freaked out, and told everyone to MYOB, basically. So, memo to self, if I post a problem on a public blog, sometimes well-meaning people will try to help, go figure...

Canuck on February 8, 2011 at 9:32 PM

Oh, Canuck, you're the sweetest!! xoxo!

attitude devant on February 8, 2011 at 11:14 PM

@75 - ditto :-)

EricaP on February 9, 2011 at 8:48 AM

@74 - Have people been "jumping to my defense" or have people been jumping on my relationship with the knee jerk advice that I dump my girlfriend? Is DTFMA "constructive advice" crafted by "well-meaning people"?

My original comment (#57) was to point out that there are good and bad ways for a partner to respond to ED. That's it. I was contributing my experience to the conversation. I was not looking for advice. Everything I've written since has been just to say, "Hey, you know what? You really don't know nearly enough about my relationship to be offering any advice on it." (The only good advice came from #72; it just isn't useful advice since you can see from the context of my comment where I exposed my bad habits that I'm well aware that they are a problem.) I should have just shut up a long time ago but when people are telling me to DTMFA I'm offended and I'm inclined to not only defend my relationship but also point out that knowing one small detail about a person's sex life is not quite enough to be telling them to put an end to it. I offered further details to demonstrate that maybe my girlfriend isn't the closed minded bitch that everyone immediately took her for and now I'm the jerk who really has nothing to complain about (remember the ED?) and won't accept generous, unsolicited advice from strangers.

@73 - Thank you. I don't deserve to be put down. In fact, I don't deserve it any more than my girlfriend deserves to be broken up with over one small area in which she clearly doesn't realize how much she's hurting me as well as our sex life. My girlfriend can be insensitive. I've met her (otherwise wonderful) family and I know where it comes from (they also commented on my weight). I've been working with her, trying to get her to understand what being supportive means to me. She gets it to some degree but she also has a way of communicating and relating that is deeply ingrained in her and that is worth tolerating and working with for the beautiful person she is and the fulfillment she brings to my life in myriad ways. On my end, I too need to get my shit together, but I too offer her plenty.

Finally (and I do hope I can control myself and let this be my last post), I want to let the friendly gang on here know that Dan is not a sex advice columnist and regurgitating his catch phrases does not make you a sex adviser. Dan is an activist and a personal hero of mine (one of the few). Dan is a man with a message and he spreads it within the limited context of a sex advice column. The letters he publishes and responds to are a launchpad for Dan to espouse a broad message of sex positivity (and more) aimed not at the original writer of the letter but his audience as a whole. In the strictest sense, Dan surely gives a lot of shit advice in regards to the individuals he's responding to, but he's getting important general principles out into the world that have encouraged countless people (myself included) to pursue meaningful and fulfilling sex lives without shame and without creating victims. If Dan really wanted to help the individuals he responds to he would be a sex counselor in private practice, but he chooses to help many more people than that by painting broad strokes and revealing to his readers the big picture. Absorb his principles, live by them, be thankful we have him here to help shape the modern dialogue on sex. But, for fucksake, stop giving advice to people who aren't looking for it. It's fucking offensive.

on February 9, 2011 at 10:45 AM

I agree with this advice, and I recognize it as somewhat stock feedback that Dan gives to this question, and it's relatives. There is an additional piece that I think should be added. You might not be all that wired to fuck. This is a phenomenon that I think straight men really have problems tackling because so much of their sense of self and sexual performance is tied to the act of fucking, but as an example my boyfriend tends to not stay particularly hard while topping. he can start hard, but generally somewhere in there he just says "Ok, I'm done" and the fuckingw was fun, but he's going to get off some other way and that's cool. He really doesn't even stay that particularly hard all the way through oral all the time. He has cum from fucking someone else like 3-4 times in his entire life. As a gay man, he has other options, but if you're straight then there's a bigger social expectation.

The advice is good, but the presumption that it will fix the problem is flawed. He will likely reach the point where he can stay hard through more of sex, and maybe this is just anxiety and it will fix itself, but if it doesn't then the advice you gave him might becomes more of the bread and butter of his sex life, and that's cool too.

cigan on February 9, 2011 at 11:31 AM

@77, surely, then, you have read enough of Dan's columns and the comments they inspire, to realize that people do use them to give suggestions. I have given many people suggestions, and I have received many suggestions. Many times, for instance, I have been told that I shouldn't have allowed my husband to pressure me into opening up our marriage. I certainly don't always appreciate the advice I'm given. Oh well, I'm a grownup and I wouldn't post online if I was going to be enormously bothered by other people responding to me.

Glad to hear you're happy in your relationship. Can't help but note that you don't seem happy with yourself or your sex life, since you wrote in your first post that "when I'm in bed with her I can only think about how she's looking at my body and desiring someone firmer, slimmer" and "my desire for sex...has been pushed aside by a defeating sense of inadequacy." Since you want to work on this with her, you might start by having her read this thread, and see where the conversation goes from there...

EricaP on February 9, 2011 at 1:37 PM

@ 77 - I think most of the folks who offered their advice meant well, m'self included. When one offers up an initial assessment of things that is that compact, it's all readers have to go on. & your original post did sound very down about the whole thing. When the only thing you offered for folks to go on was that your GF gives you shit about your weight, AFTER you tell her it bothers you, in front of other people, yeah, folks' knee-jerk response will be: Wha'? Get rid of her.

It's great that you clarified your situation, but yeesh, don't be upset. Everyone was trying to be helpful & supportive. I sure don't think I am a sex advice columnist..but yeah, that IS what Dan is. He's been doing it for many years. I think you mean, he is not a sex THERAPIST. But Dan always consults a therapist or other specialist when something is beyond his ken.

People here like to help out. You presented a problem w/ in this forum, folks offered their solutions. The new information you provided after might have changed their thoughts on it, sure, but then you coulda said all that stuff to begin with.

Lastly, I'd be willing to bet that the regular Sloggers are if not universally a more sexually experienced crowd - though some have made some claims, :} - seem to be sexually open minded & interested in folks having better sex. That's why they read Dan. So natch they'd wanna help a nice-sounding guy out.

Eva Hopkins on February 9, 2011 at 3:04 PM

D'oh, EricaP @ 79, you essentially said the same thing. That's what happens when one has postus interruptus. (Started before your post went up, got sidetracked, hit post annnnd.. ;) BTW, I enjoy reading your typings.

Eva Hopkins on February 9, 2011 at 10:19 PM

Why has NOBODY said the magic words "cock ring", or just "cockring" if you prefer.

AdamWashington on February 10, 2011 at 8:14 AM

Why has NOBODY said the magic words "cock ring", or just "cockring" if you prefer?

AdamWashington on February 10, 2011 at 8:18 AM

@82, 83 - now someone has said it twice (or, maybe, four times, if you prefer?). So there you go.

Well done.

EricaP on February 10, 2011 at 10:40 PM

SL Letter of the Day: Soft Focus

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