First off, I want to thank you for all you do for our sex lives. I credit you for opening my formerly catholic mind about many sex hang ups. I'm a 38-year-old single straight woman, never married, no kids. In essence, a spinster!

I'm currently involved with a married man. If I hadn't heard your logical arguments regarding going outside the marriage for satisfaction, I probably would never have given this man a second thought. I've never knowingly been involved with a married man. But, because I understand his situation, I can see beyond the "cheating" aspect of our relationship. And I care about him.

He's pretty much in a loveless and sexless marriage and it seems it's been that way for a long time. He and his wife have three children, two of which are grown and on their own. The younger one isn't yet and he intends to stay until his last child is grown. He's probably in it for another 4 years. I get that-and I respect it.

As a result of following your advice, Dan, I'm having some of the best GGG sex I've experienced (again, credit to you!), I feel cared for, and love the time we get to have together. I have no intentions of pressuring him to leave his wife (he'll leave if and when he's good and ready), and I don't want his kids to find out, and I accept the situation we're both in.

My question is: Do you have any common-sense advice for being the "other woman"?


A Happy Spinster

My response after the jump...

I don't have any advice for you.

You seem to have the right attitude, AHS. So long as you're not just saying that you want to prevent his kids and, presumably, his wife from finding out, but actually being extremely cautious and discreet at all times—no revealing texts that might be discovered, no incriminating credit card charges, no suspicious hickeys/lip-stick smudges/rope burns—then you're doing God's work. Carry on.

Oh, but just one thing...

How will you feel if "the situation [you're] both in" never changes? Meaning, what if he decides not to leave his wife after his third child is grown and out of the house? If four years from now your lover finds new reasons to stay with his wife—the expense of divorce, the good will of his children, the possibility that his feelings for his wife may even revive once they're relieved of the pressure of being full-time parents—will you be devastated?

If the answer to that question is yes, if never being anything more to him than his mistress isn't something you could "get" or "respect," then you just might maybe wanna sorta think about reassessing the wisdom of this affair. Because his deciding to stay in a loveless marriage—a marriage that may not be as loveless as he's lead you to believe—is definitely a potential outcome.

But if you can honestly say that, while you might be disappointed, you would nevertheless treasure the years you invested in this relationship and/or be willing to continue being your lover's piece/peace-on-the-side for decades to come, then by all means enjoy the GGG sex, the time, the love, the lover, and the years.