Comments

1
Friends have a problem: Not getting enough dick. Not getting professional dick comped. Not getting to watch.
2
This sounds like a wonderful chapter in her life - she mustn't fuck it up by trying to fix what ain't broken!

Honestly, I think the opening phrase is the best I've ever read: "I met an award winning go-go boy"...
3
"An award-winning go go boy?" Did he bag the Nobel or the Pulitzer?
4
Did I miss the part that explained why they can only have sex in a hotel?
5
Why do they have to have sex at a hotel? That seems like a relevant detail which was either omitted or neglected.
6
*pinch*

You owe me a coke @4.
7
I emailed the LW about that: he lives way out of town (to a spot she's unwilling to travel), and she is in school and doesn't live in a place where she has any privacy.
8
Hey, if she's happy with the situation the way it is, I don't really see why her friends should get a vote.
9
I agree...she is (duh) winning!
10
I fail to see what the problem is here.

The sex is consensual. And legal. You like it. He likes it. What business is it of your friends to tell you to stop?
11
Sounds like her friends are either a little prudish, or else they're concerned that she's going to end up with a deadbeat boyfriend. They're allowed their opinions, but are obligated to respect her decision.
12
Maybe there is phycological element to the not paying? Somehow it makes it clear that he doesn't want a relationship, and kind of keeps an emotional distance?

But thats what you want, thats what he wants, so awesome.

I mean, as long as there is no financial issue with this, if she is in school and paying for a hotel room once a week?
13
@ 7 - Well, couldn't she take the money from the hotel and rent herself a place where she does have some privacy?

Personnally, I think he wants her to pay for something (for reasons you explained already), so he'd insist on the hotel anyway.

But seriously, Dan, his line of work (and his eventual acceptance of more than tips from gay men) has nothing to do with their using condoms. People who are not in a thoroughly monogamous relationship should always use condoms (and who can actually be 100% sure that their relationship is thoroughly monogamous?).
14
My life feels suddenly empty, as I have never had cause to say "I met an award-winning go go boy".....big sigh.
15
@3: maybe he won a bafta?
as in- boy after fucking tips apes?

probably not, but still ya never know.
16
Ah, in that case, have your fun while you can afford it. If the Go Go Boy starts going halfsies, then you might actually have a relationship on your hands.

I think Dan's got it, he likes being the toy.
17
Men get to pay for the room all the time. In fact, wouldn't it be odd if a man wrote and asked you this same question?

I was asked out by an older woman recently, and I insisted that she pay, and I found it sexy; it's still quite rare for women to offer to pay. So, I can understand the allure.
18
I wouldn't even share that type of info with my friends. Discretion isn't the same thing as lying. It's her sex life and her business.

I think he should pay half because he's not hurting for cash at all from the sound of it. I think Dan's right that he's getting off on the power thing- that this woman wants him so badly that she's willing to do whatever she has to do to be with him.
19
He's willing to have her come to his (far-away) house; she's paying for the hotel room instead, because her time is more valuable than her money. Makes sense to me.

If this goes on another month or two, they might investigate cheaper rooms; maybe they can rent-by-the-hour, or ask for a reduced rate from a decent hotel in exchange for a regular commitment. Her friends should STFU.
20
"and you're using condoms (not all straight go-go boys draw the line at accepting tips from gay men)"

I am surprised not many people are as fucking surprised (and outraged) as I am by this line. Really Dan? This guy needs to be having gay sex to have stds/HIV? Why not just say "only faggots have AIDS and they spread it to the occasional gay-for-pay or drunk straight guy."

What the fuck Dan? Seriously. This near-sex-worker-sex-power-tripper can actually have a disease or two without hooking up with a filthy diseased faggot.

Asshole. You seriously dropped the ball here. Get your fucking head in the game before you go on fucking TV and spread the message that fags are responsible for all STDs and every straight guy who doesn't take loads up his ass is clean.
21
@20, I think Dan was just referring to the fact that his professional life, and thus his potential tips, are in front of gay boys. Yes, he could be having other sex elsewhere, but the people who are paying to see it are the most likely ones. And they are gay.
22
LW doesn't seem to realize she's(?) getting fucked in more ways than one.

He lives way out of town? R-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-g-h-t.

He's fucking up a storm with who knows who or what else. And as we all know, condoms aren't 100% effective in protecting against all sexually-transmitted diseases.

And she's in school but can't find some guy to give her(?) no-strings-attached sex? R-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-g-h-t.
23
@20 Dan's saying don't believe the go-go-boy if he says you're the only person he fucks and so there's no need for condoms. Good advice, regardless of the guy's career choice.
24
Welcome to what men deal with all the time. Paying for everything!
25
@21 and 23:

You're probably right, but it was EXTREMELY poorly worded and prone to misinterpretation: "not all straight go-go boys draw the line at accepting tips from gay men" sure sounds like "they accept other things from gay men and thus might be diseased."

Look, I don't think that's what Dan thinks; I have been reading him for a while. But if he didn't have a lapse of judgment here (and I am not convinced although I am sure his explanation will mirror yours) then he expressed himself VERY poorly. He is about to have a national (worldwide?) audience of horny clueless college kids, and many/most of them are looking for excuses NOT to use condoms. He needs to get his head in the fucking game before the cameras start rolling.
26
@25 agreed.
27
I read this whole letter thinking the LW was a gay man, and waiting for the part where he said "his straightness is really cramping our gay sex"

my bad. have fun kids.
28
Gator's bitches better be wearing jimmies!
29
Welcome to what men deal with all the time. Paying for everything!


yeah, all those poor mens using their hard earned lucre to pay stupidly for what? their massive undeserved ego?

not that they have any other motives at all...
so pity party time for the men. right?
30
@29 Funny, I had a totally different take on that comment:

"Welcome to what men deal with all the time..."

Actually, that'll come when she pays for the room and he won't have sex with her because she didn't notice his new haircut.

(I kid! I kid!)
31
So she's in school and has roommates or housemates, but has enough dough to spend a couple of hundred a week on hotel, dinner/breakfast, pot, etc.?

Sigh. Whenever I think maybe Dan's getting set up by a series of fraudulent and increasingly outlandish letters from Maggie Gallagher/Peter LaBarbera/Bill Donohue/Pope Ratzi, I have to remind myself that a) I live in fuckawiland, b) I'm getting old, c) who knows what choices I would make if I had a trust fund, and d) if Gallagher/LaBarbera/Donohue/Ratzi ever did try a gotcha! move, Dan could simply point to the letters as evidence of just how twisted (or normal!) those sanctimonious fucks' imaginations really are.
32
"Actually, that'll come when she pays for the room and he won't have sex with her because she didn't notice his new haircut"

all in due time.

/snark but not reallysnark

33
@31: fuckawiland? like... fugawiland? I don't know ANYone who knows what that is (without looking it up, that is)... or was that just by accident?
34
I'm on board with previous commenters' assertion that this just helps equalize things. A woman paying for a room when she wants to screw is a nice change, men do it all the time. However, if it goes on for a long long time, why can't be buy her dinner or something? It would help level things out, and because dinner doesn't immediately result in screwing, there's a mental chasm between the monetary act and the lay, thus it's less likely to get anyone off or inhibit said getting off.
35
I really need to be more careful when I read this on my phone. I accidentally opened 5280's profile and it (coincidentally?) crashed the app I was using.
36
This is an odd little letter. I too first thought that the LW was a man (and that "opportunity to reassert his masculinity" was just the straight go-go boy topping rather than just being a disempowered object of lust).

First of all, the LW and her GGB have been together only 4-5 times. I'm wondering how the situation will feel to her when it becomes 30-40-50 times. My question is just where is she getting the money? I suspect she's using the Bank of Mommy and Daddy to finance her education and living expenses ('cuz I didn't think student loans had enough leeway in them for weekly hotel room romps).

And I wonder if the friends to whom she spilled the beans (honestly, some things aren't meant to be shared!) are all women and if one of the reasons why they think she should not be paying for the room is because they think that a man should pay ... always. That may still be a convention in romantic M/F relationships. But, in this case, it's purely a fuckbuddy situation and she's the one who appears to need him more, only because he's the only one she's been able to find for NSA sex and who has satisfied her.

He probably feels there's a certain quid pro quo because, if he has to travel a distance from where he lives (and she's unwilling to go there for an unspecified reason), then he probably feels it only fair for her to pay for the room. But I think he'd probably feel like a fool if he said so, and came up with the "It's hot" reason.

Right now, the LW needs to show a lot more discretion and not blab about stuff like this to her friends. If she'd said only go-go boy, that would have been enough. But to discuss the hotel room payment is bad and could be used to embarass or blackmail her. ["Oh, hi, LW's daddy. Did you know how your daughter's been spending your hard-earned money? Well, let me tell you everything."]
37
(@33: HA! Knew the old joke, had never seen it written out, only written use I ever saw [had to dredge for this] was Paul Theroux in Sunrise with Seamonsters. Now The Google tells me everybody else spells it "fugawi" and "fugawiland." Which makes sense if you're not going to make the joke too obvious. Live and learn.)
38
Some of you guys don't get it. Dan was saying that the usual expectation of a straight go-go dancer would be to not have sex with his workers because they are men. If he was dancing for women you would be much more likely to suspect he is very promiscuous. However he wanted to point out there is money involved so not every expectation of straight on gay chastity is warranted.

Why are there so many people so quick to label Dan anti-gay? Reading comprehension combined with a few deep breaths would have resolved this whole thing immediately.
39
your friends have dated values. great that you don't. I think it's a good thing to have times in your life that you enjoy a great lightweight relationship that isn't under pressure to lead to marriage.
40
It might be cheaper to pay your roommate to vacate your dorm room once a week than for the hotel. But I have no ideological problem with the situation. If your friends are bothered by the arrangement, stop talking about it or get some new friends.
41
Dan,

I liked your answer so much that if I were you, I'd still be me. But I'd rather be the OP!
42
Maybe its just me, but i wouldn't go around telling friends about this.
43
I have met a few guys for sex in hotel rooms, and paid for the room with marital assets (ie, my husband's money). Some guys didn't mind, some guys did mind but couldn't afford to pay themselves, some guys paid the next time.

Doesn't happen so frequently that it hurts our budget. And since my husband gets really hard imagining the whole scene, it works out fine. Except with the guys who mind but can't afford to pay themselves. Sigh (thinking of one in particular...)
44
@27 -- glad I wasn't the only one who was waiting for that shoe to drop in the letter!

I dunno. I think she's entitled to do as she wishes, friends' snark notwithstanding. (I have to say, I've never really been one to divulge details of my sex lives to my friends, but I know I'm in the minority on that one. *I'm* the one who gets all the confidences o_O )

Still, like others, I'm agog she can't find an NSA setup at college (c'MON, that's like, ground zero) and the money angle is a little off.

Still, I know I had roommates in college, not because I couldn't afford otherwise, but because, well. That's the other thing you do in college -- either room up with people in a dorm or stuff four or five people into two bedroom apartments. There's sort of a herd mentality at that point, I think.
45
Oh the other thing that occurs to me, maybe she feels kinda in control of things by being the one to pay (which you probably wouldn't find in a typical NSA at college) and she kinda likes that. In which case, more power to her. As long as she's got the money for it...
46
@20 and @25, of course the ignorant could interpret Dan's words to mean (gayz=AIDS), but the level of idiocy and/or unfamiliarity with Dan that would be required to make that jump is something that can't really be planned for.

Sex between male gays is the most risky, just as sex between female gays is the least. Still, I'm almost 100% certain that Dan would have had the exact same advice about fucking anyone who is essentially a sex-worker, regardless of their gender or the gender of their clients.
47
Your friends are dumb. Their insistence that he should pay for the hotel is based upon an idea that the guy is "using" you for pleasure in a skeezy way, when in fact you are using him for pleasure in an up-front and totally OK way.

Have hot sex, use protection, and ignore your dumb friends!
48
where can you smoke in a hotel room anymore?
49
@ 46 - But Dan's advice shouldn't be about sex workers, it should be about everyone: use condoms all the fucking time.

The only way never to get HIV is to act as if everyone else in the world already has it.
50
"What organization is it that presents awards to go-go boys?"

Any that George Rekers is a member of.
51
"Welcome to what men deal with all the time. Paying for everything!"

Is 'paying for' what the kids say when they mean 'complaining about'?
52
FWIW, I used to take one of my boyfriends to a cheap $25-a-night dive hotel when he was living in a low-privacy situation. Now, that was 8 years ago and prices have likely gone up, but a dive hotel like that is probably still well within a frugal-but-comfortable college student's entertainment budget.

And frankly, the seediness kinda added to the appeal. We had some really hot sex in that place.

And if she's happy with the situation, I'm not sure why her friends are getting all uptight about it. I'd label them jealous killjoys, but I'm going to give them the benefit of the doubt and picture them as exceptionally naive and idealistic twerps.
53
Ehh, if they are students the friends might be looking at it from a financial perspective, especially if they're not as well-off as the LW appears to be. If the LW doesn't mind and has the money, whatevs.....but LW, check out Priceline and/or Hotwire! You really can save a lot on hotels. Maybe enough to get a place w/o a roommate...
54
Oh, to be an award winning go go boy....
55
I would totally pay for a hotel room to spend the night with with an award-winning go-go boy for some NSA wild monkey sex. Oh, wait, I HAVE paid for a hotel room. He wasn't an award-winning go-go boy, but Oh. My. God. It was exquisite, AND he was 17 years younger than me. Totally win-win. Go for it, honey, and you do NOT have to justify anything to your (madly jealous) "friends."
56
My friends have a serious issue with this setup. They all think that I should stop seeing him if he isn't going to pay.

I'm curious what your friends mean by having him pay. Pay for the entire cost of the room or just pay part of the cost?

If the former, then they'd appear to be of the "man-must-always-pay" school (which is, in my opinion, absurd.) But if the latter then it seems they just feel that having him split the cost would be fair since you're both benefiting from the arrangement.

In any case, if he's not going to fuck you unless you pay for the entire cost of the room (unfair, but c'est la vie) and you really want to fuck him, then fuck what your friends think.
57
@14 - Ms Canuck, I'm sure it's only because they paid for you.

An "award-winning" go-go boy "turned out to be straight"? Aren't they (nearly) all? I thought they'd pushed almost all the poor gay go-go boys completely out of the profession, but then, I don't get out much anymore. Then again, this sort of thing is part of why I don't much care to do so.

I'm not saying it would be wonderful or empowering to see dozens of straight performers in gay erotica of some form or other cowering in the closet instead of bragging to Tyra Banks, but it would be nice if Openly Straight were a little less of a Major Selling Point.

Mr Savage's analysis seems more or less spot on, but oh, that second parenthetical sentence - what the bleep is that? I shall spare the board a dissertation on how anyone who voluntarily and deliberately contributes to the perpetration of the stereotype that it is the deepest desire of any gay man to be some sublimely sturdy straight stud's supine submissive sex slave (sorry for the touch of the Bucket woman) might not be making the best case for full legal equality, but any good Drama Queen could supply one.
58
Probably best not to boast to your friends if they're prudes. And tell me - where does one go these days to meet a surprisingly straight award-winning go-go dancer?
59
i paid for the hotel room. in preston, lancashire, which vies with Wigan for arse-end of the world. i had to go to him because he couldn't go to me.i met him in a sleazy MSN chatroom for younger men and older women. he mentioned he was a virgin, and i offered to relieve him of that terrible burden. we then had hot hot phone sex, and when we met in person three weeks later, it was, as sarah said, exquisite. did i mention he was 26 years my junior? after many hours of sexytimes, he had to leave to go to work at the video store. i left the next morning for london, on Virgin Trains.
60
So no one in her group of roommates ever has sex at home? Wow! How do they manage that? Because proximity never seemed to deter any of my previous roommates from having unembarrassed noisy sex.

If she had just kept her mouth shut about banging a go-go boy, her roommates would be all agog about the cute guy with the great body she scored. And she wouldn't be writing letters to Dan wah-wahing over having to pay hotel bills. Or confused about the fact that their is not a mutually-beneficial relationship.
61
I think the real problem here is her apparent need to give all her friends the details of her relationship arrangements. We used to call that locker-room bragging, maybe the ladies consider it just "sharing".
62
Hi, Dan, I am having sex with an indifferent guy out of my league physically, so he makes me pay for the hotel room when we have sex. When I told my friends about this hawt piece, their mix of typical female jealousy and sex-shaming combined to make them insist I make this indifferent, higher-value guy help pay for the sex I really want. He can take or leave our trysts, since he has options aplenty for scoring.

Should I let my frenemies screw up my chance at some more sexual fun, while it lasts, in order to reassure them that the normal sexual heirarchies remain?

Answer: no. Don't assume, though, that because you score a 10 but pay for the pleasure, that makes you a 10 too.
63
Despite what she says, she IS paying for the sex. She's just not paying very much for the sex! Bargain sex, hell yeah.
64
I love these non-problem problems. Also, if she's the one who insists on the hotel (she neither wants to go to his house-that's-way-out-of-town nor fuck at her house, while he's fine with either of those), then her paying for it makes total sense to me, titillating partial-commodification of sex or no. I don't think I'd want a fuck-buddy for whom I'd have to shell out $50 (I don't know if they're using an hourly hotel, and if they are, what those cost, so I'm basing this on 1/2 the cost of a hotel room, based on the last few times I've traveled in the US) every time we had sex because the options for places we could have sex for free were unacceptable to her. By the same token, I buy all of my own condoms because I don't want to conceive any children nor risk STI exposure with a new partner whose recent STI test results I have not seen. That said, I might negotiate mutual payment for birth control/STI prevention methods with a longer-term partner, but if I'm making a unilateral decision (I'm not gonna fuck you without a condom, I'm only gonna fuck you in a hotel), attempting to extract payment from another in order to fund the implementation of my unilateral decision is coercive and therefore objectionable.

I should make it clear that I also think it's fine for someone to insist that a partner pays for costs associated with the sex they're having, as long as it's also fine for the other person to refuse (in which case either/both have the right to decide to not have sex). No complaining that your boyfriend won't help pay for birth control pills or lube: does that make him kind of an asshole? In my opinion, yes, but that means you have a perfectly good reason to dump his ass and maybe re-evaluate your selection criteria for sex-partners. It doesn't give you a good reason to complain (unless you're really not free to just walk away).

Please wait...

and remember to be decent to everyone
all of the time.

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