Comments

1
Of course, it would also mean that God exists and is about to throw big fire rocks at us.
2
Amen, sister! None of the religiots prays for the Rapture more than this atheist -- I can only imagine how great the world would be without all of them, especially the truly stupid true believers who act as you state here. If all of the believers went, yeah, we'd lose a few good people, but having only rationalists left on the planet would be worth it.
3
I dunno, I don't think it would be all sunshine and roses. For one thing, I think there would be a lot of Christian douchebags pretty surprised to find themselves left behind. Those sorts of assholes, who already failed to understand the point of Jesus' message at a fundamental level, would probably respond by becoming even more pious and fundamentalist instead of, you know, actually trying to be more like Christ.

But what do I know, I'm just an atheist.
4
But what if they are only half right? What if the Rapture is Saturday but in their bitter,narrow-minded take on Christianity they have so disappointed God that they are left behind and whoever treated people with compassion and respect got Raptured, regardless of faith?
5
If you think Ken Hutcherson is an asshole now, imagine what he'll be like when he's left behind.
6
If only:

* 3% dip in economic productivity, followed by:
* 25% deflation of prices of used SUV's, full-sized pickups
* surging employment as job vacancies are filled
7
Friday afternoon would work better for me... can we move the rapture up a day?
8
I love this. But I also worry that what #3 said is what would actually happen: all the real assholes who consider themselves Christian would still be here and would be even worse.
9
The left-behind Christians would develop some serious daddy issues.
10
@4 yeah that's what I think. We'd lose all the Kim in Portlands and get stuck with all the fucking Pat Robertsons.
11
A nice fantasy, Paul, but don't you remember what happened after the Golgafrinchans sent off the B-ark?

Also, I think @3 is dead on.
12
I love the picture Paul paints of post-rapture America, but remember, the rapture only takes Christians. That'll leave other religious bigots (where do Mormons stand in all this?) and the Capitalists. Won't solve all our problems.
13
@3, @4, yes, but what if God is really an asshole? So he'd take the asshole Christians, right? And seriously, looking at the state of the world these days, I'm pretty convinced that, if there is a God, he is a total asshole.
14
Here's my theory. So supposedly the rapture will be on Saturday, and then god's gonna blow up the planet on October 21st, right? So that means the rest of us science-y types have five months without the religious types' interference to get off the planet and into space. If we manage to do it before our five months are out, Science wins!
15
Well... If they're right about the rapture, it would be reasonable to assume they're also right about all that other biblical stuff, and the rest of us may be soundly fucked by a vengeful God in the not too distant future. I'm not losing sleep over it though...
16
Imagine the mass suicides when Saturday comes and nothing happens.
17
@14, Words do not express my admiration, sir. Well done.
18
I'm more interested in what is going to happen to those idiots' faith when they realize that nothing happened. Again.

What is the difference between a subversive underminer of American life, and an End-Of-Days Evangelical? I don't have a punchline; I'm just asking.
19
@16 and @18, apparently when 'end-of-the-world' dates come and go, the end-of-the-worlders don't tend to care; they fairly easily find a new date to replace their old one.
20
See I don't really want the Rapture. I want that angry, vengeful god from the old testament. I want smoting. I don't believe there is a god - and if there is he's not doing much to help out us humans - but if there is what I want on Saturday is some serious smoting. Instead of taking the righteous to heaven god should just wipe out the evil. I was making a "To Smote" list yesterday. Such fun to think of the world without the Westboro Baptist Church, new Earth creationists, FRC, NOM, most politicians, terrorists, etc. Screw the Rapture I'm hoping for a Great Smoting.
21
@18 - they will revise the date like they did last time. "Oops! I got it wrong! I forgot to take into account blah blah... The new date will be about 15-20 years away." As usual!

Or even better - "Because y'all believed so hard, God has spared us all!! He has canceled the 'The End' because y'all have shone your lite-so-brite!!"
22
This would mean the end of McMansions, strip-mall nail salons, Wal-Mart, SUVs, Christian Rock... not to mention that abortions would skyrocket since no pregnant women would ever be informed they have options. Have you considered all these dire consequences?
23
*smiting, smite, smitten. Smote is the preterite.
24
I plan on calling my sister on Sunday. When she answers the phone, I will say, "Still here, huh? Thought you would be."
25
Damn right. And that nasty apocalyptic nag you rode in on.
26
Remember kids, if you believe in something so much, logic and reason mean nothing!

That being said, 5 months of solid SCIENCE would be wonderful. We could probably get ourselves onto a stable moon colony by then, if we put our resources towards that.
27
@23 - thanks! I never knew that. In which case I revise my statement - Screw the Rapture I'm hoping for a Great Smiting.
28
i'm hoping that they take the mars hill crowd. parking at the ballard trader joes' can be a total bitch.

plus, the mars hill people are insufferable fucks.
29
http://mindflowers.net/jesus-comes-back-…
30
We're having a big party, just in case, as a world without Christian fundamentalists is a definite reason to celebrate.
31
Irrefutable evidence that the May 21st doomsday prediction won't come to pass: Rebecca Black's song "Friday" mentions "and Sunday comes afterwaaaaards."
32
I'm really looking forward to have the lower end of the FM dial freed up from the mindless drivel that all those country evangelicals seem to eat up. At last, we will be able to travel rural America and easily find the local NPR station. Will they be taking down all the "Jesus Saves" billboards before they leave town?
Jay
33
@14 To the lab! Assuming Gary Sinise doesn't get raptured we can just stick him in a test capsule and Apollo 13 this planet in no time.
34
You all fail religion and science 101.

If the Rapture begins in a rolling pattern as predicted at 6pm local time in each time zone Saturday, New Zealandish gets it first, then it will move west with the day, until it reaches us, leaving a trail of global destruction, mega earthquakes, and mega tsunamis in it's wake, along with breached nuclear reactors, power plants, and who knows what else. We then have 5-6 months of a horrible existence in a The Road-like environment, if we're lucky, before "Creation" is wiped out. Not just the third rock from the sun. Creation. Watch this video, scale to the level of the observable universe. That's all gone.

What we need is actually a way to breach into parallel universes, or time travel to the distant past. A space ship isn't going to do dick. Life with dinosaurs, bitches

Alternately, it could just be that the Large Hadron Collider begins the end of the universe on Saturday at 6pm local Swedish time, which depending on how it goes will either suck or be painless and instant.
35
Given the people who claim to be His followers and their own personal actions, I have to assume that any Rapture will involve lots of pitchforks, fire, and brimstone.

And they won't be going "up" but "down".

Enjoy the ride!
36
Although, technically, my time travel suggestion is rather useless if the Rapture DOES happen, because that just means you died 85,000,000 years ago, and you still don't get to skip out on the whole "judge the living and the dead" part of the story. To the alternate universe!
37
Everyone assumes "Christians" are the one's that would go to imaginary heaven. But it seems to me, they would be the least likely to go.
38
Look people, nothing is going to happen. Nobody's going to be "taken up to Heaven", and when they aren't they'll just assume the crazy "Teh Rapchaw is happenin' May 21st" guy misread the hidden Bible Code, and wait for his next, this-time-for-sure prognostication, at which point they'll restart their Doomsday Clock all over again - for the umpteenth time.

In other words: they'll all do exactly the same thing they do EVERY TIME the predicted Rapture fails to appear on schedule.

"Lather, rinse, repeat" just like it says on the shampoo bottle...
39
You know, Paul, I think this too, but I'm not 14 any more so I don't actually write it down and make other people read it. Have some dignity.
40
Either way, Seattle traffic will still be hell on Monday.
41
@38 Doesn't mean we can't dream.
42
Whatever, I'm hoping they go out suicide-cult style.
43
I think it's interesting if the rapture happened as predicted, nobody even thinks about becoming a Christian.

Who's an empiricist now?

This seems more about fantasizing about killing all the Christians (seeing as that precludes them being actually right about who Jesus is and what he's about).
44
@43 If the events of the rapture actually happened as "foretold" I still wouldn't accept the Christian god as true. Aliens or some matrix type scenario would still be far more likely than an all knowing, all powerful creator god who just happens to think homosexuals are icky. Even if the Christian god managed to prove his existence to my satisfaction, he'd still be such a giant bastard I'd never pledge myself to honoring the murderous, selfish, spoiled prick.
45
@36 2shay, Joe. Time to crank the LHC up to 11.
46
I say that The Stranger should have a big headline on Slog on Sunday that says "The Rapture Happened... and you missed the fucking boat."
47
I LOVE THIS POST.

And also, I can't get that old Blondie song out of my head now.

:-)
48
Paul - several of your comments indicate you think Catholics will be taken. But Catholics don't believe in the Rapture, and those Christians that do would say Catholics would never be taken away during the Rapture. So the Pope and the whole structure of the Catholic Church would remain.
49
Paul even if it does happen doesn't mean all conservatives go away
50
@ comte, i just keep saying "rapchaw" now and i can't stop laughing. thanks, man ;-)
51
I've been thinking the same thing every time I read about the impending rapture.
52
I'm going to pretend it happened nonetheless and deny the existence of all religious toolboxes and their cryptomoral mewlings.
53
Didnt you guys know that those religious people are the example of what NOT to be? We are on the good side, duh. Oh by the way folks, dont forget to paint big red "X's" on your door so god knows who to take and who to leave. See you at the afterparty!
54
A-fucking-men. 'Scuse me while I copy this and share it with everyone I know.
55
That they would all go away could have been God's plan all along. Where exactly do they "think" they are going?
56
I understand how most Christians tend to piss people off really well, but still...
This is kinda harsh.
I, myself, never really did/said anything against atheists. I have quite a few atheist friends, even. Gay ones, too. I'd rather this "Rapture" shit not happen anytime soon, because I do have some nice friends down here. Sure, I'm a Christian, but, like I said, I have good friends I don't want to lose.
I have nothing against you, Paul, or any of you commenters here, but I feel like I'm being hated like gayboys are hated by Christians. This pretty badly hurts my feelings, with the harsh words used.
57
@34 Switzerland, not Sweden.
58
I'm more excited if it doesn't happen because:

A. I won't have just graduated after four long years of college learning how to not suck at photography at some ghetto Everett CC program for no reason.

And B. just to see what kind of explanations those Christian cults have as to why there was no huge earthquake or whatever the fuck they thought was going to happen.
59
I'm more excited if it doesn't happen because:

A. I won't have just graduated after four long years of college learning how to not suck at photography at some ghetto Everett CC program for no reason.

And B. just to see what kind of explanations those Christian cults have as to why there was no huge earthquake or whatever the fuck they thought was going to happen.
60
In reply to the first comment... God can exist for people but they don't have to turn out like this right wing assholes ruining the planet... to each his own... but literally, make it YOUR OWN - don't spread your science and art fearing ways to the rest of us normies.
61
This would be the perfect opportunity to fake my rapture. A pile of clothes on the side walk and me three states away.
62
christian k. fundie, will you please go now
i don't care when
i don't care how
just go go go!
you can go by rapture
you can go by cow
christian k. mooney
will you please go now!
63
@56: Oh furi, the fact that you think the Rapture will happen and that you assume your "gay and atheist friends" will suffer in its fiery aftermath is kind of the point here. I want you to ask yourself just how it sounds to your "gay and atheist friends" when you essentially are saying that they are bad people who are going to hell.
I imagine that those harsh words would pretty badly hurt their feelings don't you? I think you're lucky they tolerate you at all if that's your opinion of them.
64
Well, before you get TOO excited about Post-Rapture Evangelical-free life, don't forget - there's still Texas.
65
I'm a Christian. But before I get slammed God and I had a falling out some 15 years ago. Since then I've lived my life by two simple rules..... WWJD? and wouldn't God want me to be a good person because it's right as opposed to being good only because I'm afraid of going to Hell? Personally I don't think Jesus would hate gay people or force women to remain pregnant if they didn't want to be (conception isn't a gift from God; it's a biological process not to be confused with some divine miracle). At most he would say 'Hate the sin, love the sinner' and 'Lest not judge lest ye be judged' so that's pretty much what I do. I also believe in evolution. I mean, who's to say God didn't create the Big Bang as opposed to just plopping down Adam and Eve (or Lilith)? I can't wrap my brain around all of human kind being the product of incest or Job riding around on a Brachiosaurus in his spare time. I'll leave that to Michele Bachmann since she seems good at it.

As to the Rapture..... It's not coming. Or should I say I don't take the word of someone who has falsely made this claim in the past and has yet to live by the true teachings of Jesus. I mean, a TRUE Christian wouldn't be selling books about the rapture for profit. He would be giving this knowledge away freely to help his fellow Christians understand the transition. Also, he would have given away his $70+ million to charity unless, of course, he knows he'll need to buy groceries and give his weekly tithe on the 22nd. If it does actually happen I'm afraid Pat Robertson will be doing a live telecast about it on Sunday. His guest speakers will probably be Fred Phelps and Harold Camping. Hopefully ol' Pat asks them both why the Hell they are still here.
66
@65: Nicely put Sinsaint.
67
These Rapturists are what are called “false Prophets” in the Bible. The New Testament including Revelation speaks of them.

"Many false prophets will appear and deceive many people” (Matthew ;24)
“Watch out for false prophets. They come to you in sheep's clothing, but inwardly they are ferocious (avaricious) wolves. By their fruit you will recognize them… Every tree that does not bear good fruit is cut down and thrown into the fire. Thus, by their fruit you will recognize them." (Matthew 7:15–23)

Basically this means that if the prophecies (fruit) don’t come to pass then you will know them as false (or bad trees) and will be destroyed by God.

False prophets are also a stumbling block to true Christians:
“There will be false teachers among you. They will secretly introduce destructive heresies (Rapture)… Many will follow their shameful ways (Rapturists) and will bring the way of truth into disrepute. In their greed these teachers will exploit you with stories they have made up” (2 Peter).

HAH! That is the closest Harold Camping will ever be to being instrumental in fulfilling some aspect of the bible… A false Prophet!

P.S. The only reason I’m posting all these bible quotes is in case you get in an argument with one of these Rapturist freaks, so you can argue with them (and win) using their own bible- complete with scriptures to quote and site!
68
A. The Bible says no one will know in advance that the Rapture is happening, so anyone "predicting" it is going against their own tenets to do so.

B. If the Rapture ever does happen, the true crazies (like Westboro) aren't going anywhere, so anyone "left behind" is still going to have to deal with them... and the level of Crazy they'll pull out to explain it, will make their current bat-shittiness look like a minor hissy fit.

C. If the Rapture does happen, the after-party is going to be fairly heinously shitty - only the true nihilists and psychopaths will actually ENJOY it.

In conclusion: not gonna happen today; not gonna be fun for most if it does. Now stop bashing all the normal Christians just because a delusional dickwad thinks he found a magic formula.
69
balderdash @ 39: Please get over yourself. No one held a gun to your head and "made" you read this. You made the choice to read it, you made the choice to be offended by it. Take responsibility for yourself, stop blaming others for "making" you do things.
70
EarleyDaysYet, how is this post "bashing" "normal" Christians? Paul specifically called out the evangelicals (you know, the people who believe in the Rapture silliness), and called them radically regressive. He didn't say all Christians everywhere. Just the assholes who try to make everyone believe what they believe.

71
since all of this idleness is an evil waste of time, only those who do not use the internet will be saved...
72
since all of this idleness is an evil waste of time, only those who do not use the internet for nonsense will be saved

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