I'm sorry too, and don't worry about hurting his feelings - he'll be fine and you will too. It's just a breakup, when you come right down to it. "Neither of us knew ____, which we realized made us incompatible, so we moved on" is not exactly a rare story.

And fuck financial prudence - don't think about the savings of staying together, think about what you'd be willing to pay to move on. Amortize that over a lifetime and it's pennies. Pennies, I tell ya.

27 is still very young, some folks hang in there much longer. I'm sorry this happened to you, SIMP. Dan's advice is 100% sound. It can be tempting to allow your soon-to-be-ex's needs (& your fiscal needs too, no doubt) to trump your desire to just move on. Don't give in to that temptation, the devil you know. There has got to be a friend or family member's couch for each of you somewhere while you figure things out. Try to get past the shame part to the what do I do part. Maybe you guys can be friends when this is all over, stranger things have happened. But listen to Dan.

Ditto what gus said!

If he really only just figured it out, that is a sad situation for everyone but it doesn't change the fact that you two are sexually incompatible. The only way this could possibly be salvaged is if you both go get your sexings elsewhere--but you sound like you want to get your physical intimacy from your life partner, which makes perfect sense.

He won't want to stay with you forever. Once he becomes more comfortable in his newfound identity, he'll want to find someone he's actually attracted to.

You've wasted enough time on this doomed relationship. Don't waste more on being his security blanket. Go find someone who'll make YOU happy.

What Dan and Gus said.

Your husband, however afraid he might be right now to take the plunge and start his new life (which is why he still wants everything to stay the same), soon will. And in a major way, as is always the case with late bloomers.

He may not have been aware of his homosexuality before, but now that he is, his wanting to stay with you is depriving you of the right to live your own life. However understandable his insecurity might be, it is just not ok to impose it on you.

If you respect yourself, you'll leave. If he respects you, he'll let you go.

This should be added to the pile on why we need to legalize gay marriage. The sooner society accepts that gays just happen in life and are no big deal, the less chance gay people will lie to themselves for so long and marry straight people.

On behalf of all straight people everywhere, I'm sorry your husband couldn't marry a man he loved 3 years ago. It's getting better, though!

You can't avoid hurting someone's feelings, and in this case, his feelings. You need to do what is best for you right now. You have to be able to be honest and direct, and take care of your needs, even if you know saying those things will hurt someone else. You do yourself -nor anyone else- any favors by changing your words or behaviour to accommodate someone else you love, or because you fear that someone you love will be hurt, or will react in an awful way.

You won't impede his long-term happiness, and might even accelerate it by cutting him loose. Move out, find someone(s) to give you a listening ear and some comfort, and do what you need to do to heal the scars his many years of confusion left on you. You two can be friends later, once you're both in more stable mental/emotional spaces.

You'll survive SIMP, and you have my deepest apologies. This happened to my wife and me in '86. We had 2 boys together, and are still best friends.
I wanted to stay together with 'an arrangement', but she, like you, needed to get on with her life.
Best of luck, and ditto Dan's advice. He'll be fine and so will you.

@6 and @7: Legalizing gay marriage will go a long ways towards eliminating a serious cause of straight-marriage failure. Seattleblues may one day decide he loves straight marriages more than he hates gays marriages, and then he'll become an excellent advocate for justice and equality.

Agree with everyone: you should move out now. As @5 mentioned, guys who "realize" they're gay late in life usually go through a huge slut phase. You don't want to be around for that.

I'm glad I didn't make the same mistake. There was never any doubt in my mind I never wanted marriage or a woman. I can understand the pressure he felt but it's just plain selfish to marry someone when you know you're gay.

Biggest unanswered question- do you have kids? I assume not with the "virtually celibate" comment, but you never know... and if they do have kids, it complicates matters.

Second, I can't stress enough how much of a bald face lie it is for him to say "he just figured this out"... sorry, but anyone younger than 30 has been raised with access to the internet and all the sexual curiosities within; You can't *not* stumble upon porn as a curious tween/teenager under those circumstances... unless your Amish.

Lastly, don't let him try and rope you into being his beard any longer- if he wants to stay in the closet, that's his own sad prerogative... but don't let him take you down too.

@ 13 - I read " he just figured this out" as meaning he'd been lying to himself so much for so long that he'd managed to convince himself of those lies (no matter how much gay porn he'd been viewing under the pretense that he was "just curious"), until that "fateful night" when he had a few drinks in the adequate company and ended up in bed with a man, therefore realizing that it was indeed nothing but a lie and that he could no longer deny his true sexuality.

Seen it happened many, many times... The late 20's is when they usually have their big revelation (coz that's when they can no longer bear not having sex, or they've run out of excuses to explain their celibate marriage, etc.).

Years later, if the guy's honest enough with himself, he'll admit that he wasn't that drunk on that fateful night, and that he somehow did everything he could to set it up. But at this precise stage, he's still hiding behind the "it just happened" excuse because he's got too much to process at once.

Most of our years together have been happy, if virtually celibate. I'd previously gotten angry at his total lack of desire for physical intimacy, which has left its own emotional scars.

I'm assuming that the guy's total lack of desire for physical intimacy didn't magically happen only after marriage, so I'm curious why this woman went ahead and married him in the first place.

@ 15 - Love is sometimes blind.

@15 - it really doesn't matter, does it? There's nothing in that bit of information that will help answer her question now.

SIMP isn't looking for guidance, she's asking for a permission slip. She knows what she wants to do (leave), and needs someone (Dan) to tell her that, yes, it's okay to go.

SIMP, it's okay to go.

It's okay to go.

It's okay to go.

27? Your adult life is just beginning. You can be his friend, but you've got to get on with your life.

Also, there's no reason for economics to keep a childless couple together. You may have to adopt the lifestyle of so many single 27-year-olds (the horror!), but the idea that people can't afford to separate is total bullshit.

After having been through a couple of ripe slices of hell in my life, I am discovering a hard-won (and extremely simple truth) - sometimes the act of acting in your own best interest can wind up inadvertently saving someone else. If you leave because the situation doesn't even remotely feed your soul and you move on (no matter how blind it might feel right now) to find it, your husband sees that HE is able to move on and find someplace that feeds HIS soul. By freeing yourself you free him. Now that's love, honey.

I've known several former wives of gay men who were able to remain very close friends. They once loved each other a great deal, as it sounds like you do, but just not in a sexual way. They all divorce in the end. No matter how close the friendship, they still must find their own physical intimacy and love life.

You can remain lifelong close friends, but your marriage is over. The sooner you both realize that and move on to more compatible sexual relationships independent of one another, the happier you will both be.

A purer, text-book example of why marriage equality and normalizing life for gay people in society is a good thing would be hard to find.

If it was "okay to be gay," then gay people wouldn't stuff themselves so deep in the closet that they thought mothballs were oxygen, and shit like this wouldn't happen.

Hey, homophobes, are you proud of yourselves? You're the reason straight people's lives, like this woman's, get fucked up. For nothing! You hear me? Stop it, now!

I was in your husband's place, too. Not married, but together for 7 years. Like you, my ex was surprised then almost instantly supportive of me. (Denial is a powerful thing, there's more than enough to go around.)

If he cares about you, he'll want you to focus on your own happiness. He's scared and clinging to the remnants of his old life, but that's not your problem nor likely what he really wants. Both of you benefit from moving on, no matter how much he doesn't want to right now.

He's got to think about his own future and you MUST focus on yours. You also need to get away from one another. Not cut each other off, but have separate lives. If he's not ready to be out, just tell people you couldn't be married any more. He doesn't need to be outed for you (or better him) to move out. Letting him stay in the closet for a while (without you in there too) is fine as long as he's figuring his shit out, not just stuck in a new place.

I get that you don't want to make is life harder, but your decisions really can't do that. He has hurt himself and impeded his life so much more than you ever could. Making decisions for your life alone is not going to affect him in the long term.

Feel as hurt, angry, betrayed, mournful, whatever that you want. He's got a lot of emotional shit to slog though as well. If you need to tell him about this, do it. Even if he lashes back at you, he should come back to the friendship that your marriage was. My ex and I are different friends than before, but still part of each other's lives.

I'm really sorry that this happened. Getting yourself happy will actually help him, too. I'm sure he feels guilt, shame etc. towards you and seeing you happy will assuage that. Good luck.

No one is worse off when gays have full civic *and* social equality. Literally everyone is better off. Even the fundie bigots are better off -- they can spend less time on this pointless, impossible cause of stopping gay marriage and spend more time and things they're actually doing well at (like undermining Roe v. Wade).

The husband is just now figuring this out? That can't be entirely true - I just don't believe a man can remain unaware up to the age of 27 that he is attracted to men and not women, even if he somehow fails to make the connection that this makes him gay.

At a minimum, this guy knew he was not sexually attracted to this particular woman, but he married her anyway, and completely fucked her over in doing so. I'm sure me meant no malice, but his behavior was selfish and weak. She has all my sympathy. Given that he locked her in the closet with him for 6 years, hard for me to give a fuck about any difficulties he faces coming out, and they certainly aren't her problems at this point.

17/Looking, I agree but I wasn't trying to answer her question. I just find it interesting that if a person gets angry over their partner's "total lack of desire for physical intimacy" they would go ahead and marry that person anyway. (This is assuming, of course, that this "total lack of desire for physical intimacy" was evident before marriage. Perhaps it was not.)

Good advice from everyone, SIMP. Moving on is the best thing you can do even if it's painful in the short term. One day you'll be able to celebrate his coming out and your new life. Just always remember that his being gay has nothing to do with your worth as a person or a partner. Good luck!

I was married to a man for 14 years. We had two children. While I knew that something wasn't right, it took falling in love with a woman to make the pieces fall into place. I don't know about men, but it happens to women.

I think that "The Other Side of the Closet" is by Amity Buxton is a useful book. It may be a little dated now but pain and heartbreak pretty much feel the same no matter what decade it is.

Jackie

It's okay to be hurt and angry. There's no reason for guilt however, nor for shame, and you need to let those two go. It's not your fault he's gay and there's no shame in not realizing it until just now, nor is there any shame in being gay. Unless you've been pressing him to pretend to be straight, you have nothing to be guilty or ashamed about. When you separate -- and you really must -- it will help enormously to contact the Straight Spouse Network, and it will also help to have a few sessions with a licensed family therapist, on your own. (Many therapists reserve a few appointments each week for clients who can't afford to pay full fare, so please don't let the potential cost deter you. Go once a month rather than weekly, if it's really going to squeeze your checkbook, but go.)

When the basis for a marriage turns out to be false, whether it was designed so or developed into being so, the marriage is no longer a valid entity. You need to look toward what will help you clear your negative emotions so that you can move on with your life, just as he does. It sucks, but as difficult as it is, it really will be better for both of you.

Give me a call, SIMP. I'll happily fuck your brains out. Sounds like you could use it right about now.

@24

I'm with you. Fuck that mutherfucker. It's bullshit he "didn't know." No doubt he'd been on a steady diet of gay porn for years, been popping boners in the locker room all his life, and been constantly lying to his wife that he was soooo attracted to her but made up some bullshit lie about why he couldn't have sex. And, stupidly, she bought it because she actually trusted him and loved him. Asshole. Mutherfucker knew. Let him go thru his "man whore" phase and rack up a bunch of STDs. I ain't cryin'.

If you can't afford to get a divorce at the moment, then stay married while you go looking for someone else. Both you and your husband should start looking for a compatible partner once the shock and grief of the recent revelation have worn off. Both of you need to acknowledge, however, that this relationship is doomed. You are not compatible and you both need to move on. Hopefully you can make it an amiable split and stay friends, but there is no way you can stay married long term without making yourselves miserable - and the building resentment will make an amiable split impossible.

27/Jackie: I was married to a man for 14 years. We had two children. While I knew that something wasn't right, it took falling in love with a woman to make the pieces fall into place. I don't know about men, but it happens to women.

I find that so interesting. I'd think that people would know who they're fundamentally attracted to fairly early on in life but apparently it takes some people quite a long time. Your story reminds me of a former girlfriend. We were together for two years in the early 80s. She went on to marry the guy she met after we broke up. A few years ago I happened to run into her and she told me she had divorced him after about fifteen years after finally figuring out she was attracted to women.

@ 30 The husband may not deserve your sympathy, but why do you assume he won't be using protection? And why would you wish that on anyone?

Your attitude seems rather sex-negative to me (why do you think men-whores necessarily catch STD's?)... and not exactly worthy of sympathy either.

@32 -- I think it's quite possible. We've come a long way, but there's still a steady diet -- undercurrent if you will -- that tells girls either that good girls don't "like" sex, or that a lot of girls just plain don't enjoy it THAT much, so it's not abnormal to find your heart just isn't into having sex. It's not explicit -- but it's an undercurrent in *many* subcultures in this country. It's quite insidious and was actually a factor for me in terms of figuring things out. Even though I figured out some things for myself by about 25 or so, there were other aspects that took me longer -- because I had to start questioning other premises I hadn't even realized I was taking for granted.

Hopefully this is less common for girls and women these days (the under 18-20 crowd, really, but it's hard for me to say, having left those days long behind). But I still hear adults today saying the same sorts of things around children these days, and so I don't really know. Time will tell, I suppose.

I won't even comment on men's culturalization of sexuality -- not my experience -- but I can readily imagine the heteronormative pressure to be so great that it obscures things for some men as well.

@ 36 - I would say that, paradoxically, although the younger generation may be more at ease with their sexuality in general, the rise of the religious right has made it even harder for members of certain sub-groups to accept themselves, because they've gone from being mere sinners to being the enemy or the devil incarnate.

You don't even need to be a member of such a sub-group to suffer from that - coming from a small town with a substantial population of religious fanatics is plenty enough to fuck you up for a while.

Um, Dan, really. "On behalf of gay people everywhere, I'm sorry". If you feel bad for her say so, but not all gay people's behalf, please.

I'm gay. Don't apologize or be sorry on my behalf. From what I can tell in this letter, no gay people did anything wrong and one gay person only can certainly feel sorry but he didn't do anything wrong either. He came to realize he's gay. She doesn't say much about his process or life before he met her or background nor does she particularly write any details that suggest she thinks or knows he's lying about recently figuring out his sexuality so we have to assume he really did. So he hasn't done anything wrong either.

She also says his sharing happened last week! So it's not like there's been much time for her feelings about his sexuality to settle.

And she's "been feeling trapped for years already" and has "emotional scars" and within a week, "is more than ready to move on"...so why didn't she take responsibility for her own happiness years ago?

And as for him wanting to take time to see about their options about their relationship...ummm, he came out a week ago after 6 years together. And she provides zip details about his maturity, his process, their connection, their families, their lifestyle or even if anyone has seen a therapist!...beyond he wants to stay together right now "maybe" because they're poor and he wants to keep up appearances.

Doesn't sound like decent communication skills here at all and that "most of our years together were happy" is probably wall-papering.

I definitely see how this is sad for the parties involved but...there's nothing here particularly for gay people en masse to feel bad about.

And a lot for this woman to stand up and own for herself before she makes this solely about the husband's discovery of his sexuality.

In the future, trust your gut. If a guy doesn't put out as much as you want him to, move the hell on. You are not obligated to be his beard, SIMP. Begin amicable divorce proceedings, and start fucking everything that moves as soon as your hubby either gives you the go-ahead, or as soon as the divorce is finalized if he won't. You deserve it!

Just be wary of committing adultery at this stage, if he finds out and gets bitter about it, it would entitle him to more of the marital assets.

Wait until he's sleeping, then cut off his head and put it on a spike as a warning.

@40: Most states have no fault divorce today and spouses aren't entitled to more because they're bitter about anything. Adultery doesn't entitle anyone to any more than anyone else.

@41 I'm pretty sure most states have laws against beheadings too, so I think you missed the point.

It really is okay to leave. You're freeing him (which scares him, of course), but more importantly you're freeing yourself. And trust me, once you're out there with a bunch of free-range single men, you'll be AMAZED at how much they will want to have sex with you. It's an absolute playground out here! I held on until my 50s before leaving; if I could have left in my 20s like you can, it would have been even MORE fun. Do it. The water's great.

And by the way, my ex is still my closest friend who knows me the best. He objected strenuously to our breakup, and now he's happier than he could have dreamed.

@29 Classy! Sort of the romantic equivalent of chasing ambulances.

Ms(?) Cameo @45 - Nicely put. I like your example, which reminds me of how Mary Crawford would have everybody marry as soon as they can do to advantage.

@47 - Oh my god I never thought I'd see a reference to her in comments on one of Dan's letter responses. Very apt. Thank you vennominon.

@ 49 Actually, very few. But there were plenty of morons who couldn't count. And THAT is sad.

Men come with a built-in sexual orientation meter. Their penis points right at what they're attracted to. A male past his teens who says he doesn't know he's gay is lying to himself or to others.

Dan, you do not have to be sorry. Otherwise my mixed heritage of First Person and Caucasian will make me kill myself over the guilt of what my European ancestors did to my human ones.

While I still love him and want him in my life, I'm more than ready to move on—but he doesn't want to separate under any circumstances.

Well tough shit. It sucks, but he's not able to give you a romantic relationship, and if that's what you want, he has no right to prevent you from seeking it.

@ 25: There's certainly a learning opportunity for her here: she should ask herself why she was willing to put up with a virtually sexless relationship for so long, and whether she owes herself an apology (and some self-esteem booster shots).

I wish you had run this letter about a year ago, Dan. I've been in an almost identical situation (same age, same reasons, genders reversed), and she's moving out this week. It does indeed suck, and I've been having trouble dealing, but every day is better than the last. Stay strong, SIMP. It's not your fault, and you will find the happiness you deserve.

I'm with 53 and 54--he doesn't sleep with you, he's gay, and he gets to vote on whether you move out or not? Ummm, no. Contract is null and void. Game over.

Why am I not surprised that the obvious answer didn't really come up here? Maybe I missed it. Did anyone suggest couples therapy?

I see 'fuck that motherfucker' directed at a man who has struggled with his sexuality. I see "fucking everything that moves" as relationship advice. I see people who have never met you or him making assumptions about what you should feel and do. "Game over' for a couple you know nothing about. Really?

Therapists are cheaper than lawyers and sometimes more effective.

Those whose automatic assumption is that this guy is some kind of creep should be ashamed of themselves. He's a human being who is confused about his sexuality and if you haven't had to go through that, well lucky you.

This man loves a woman. He knew her and himself well enough after three years together to know that he loved her enough to marry her. He's straight. He has some need to be with men. He's gay. Which is it? One? The other? Both? (Yeah, both. We actually do exist.)

He is a little young to have figured out who he is sexually.Figuring out who you are sexually doesn't always mean making a choice. Sometimes choice is a forced option.

Your husband is obviously in between. I don't use 'bisexual' because labels suck. Gay people have opposite sex relationships. Straight people have same sex relationships. Some people have both. Some people go back and forth. The rainbow has more than two colors.

You may have been the straight phase of a gay man. A male lover may be the gay phase of a straight man. He may permanently walk somewhere in between. What should be obvious and what should have been really the only advice given is find a queer friendly therapist and help this man that you obviously love and yourself, who he obviously loves through this difficult period.

Dan and Gus are right. Get out now. Having come from that same place, it may hurt but it is liking ripping off that bandage. It will heal. Although it hurt at the time I am supportive of my ex and we are all better off.

Mr Cal - I adore Mary Crawford - the only Austenian antagonist who had to be defeated by use of a deus ex machina instead of through her own doing. I always read Mansfield Park as Edmund's and Mary's doomed love story, rather than Edmund's and Fanny's successful one. One might perhaps think of it as a tale of not quite getting to GGG.

My husband figured out that he's gay when we were about 25. If he had fought me on the breakup, it would have been so much more painful. I hope your husband soon realizes what a selfish bastard he is being and lets you go.

Carpe Diem!"

SIMP,

Go forward and, appropriately enough in the Wimbledon Tournament where 2 new champions have just seized the day for themselves, seize your own day.

Recognise that the breakdown of your marriage is not your fault, and run, not walk, to the nearest exit.

And find the life which will make you, and others around you, happy.

* For the benefit of those who do not read latin, and in particular the poet Horace , carpe diem means 'Seize the day!