Comments

1
Talk to your husband about it, SOL. He'll be upset about it, sure, but if he's halfway sane, he'll appreciate you being open with him rather than acting on your crush.
2
Human beings are gifted with free will and self-control. You can choose to not be tormented by this desire. Good lord, fuck the guy or don't fuck the guy but stop all your hand wrining.
3
Don't do it. Don't fuck this guy. You can't unring that bell.
4
i feel bad for her. she never should have tried to be friends with the guy again.
5
Tell your husband. In fact, show him this letter. It will change your attitude and won't be the forbidden fruit it is now. Tell hubby. Really.
6
You must associate this man with something vile and disgusting in order to take your mind off him. Maybe he fucks dogs, maybe he's actually gay, maybe he has an old- growth-forest of a pubic bush.
7
Do it. Just don't get caught fer fuckssakes.
8
it doesn't sound like you can be friends with this guy. see a counselor to learn to help control these feelings if you don't want to lose your husband.

if it were me and my husband told me that he had an obsession (which is what this is) with another woman (worse: a coworker) and he fucked me to "take the edge off" before going to work??? gah! i would WAY rather not know than to hear that. fuck that. there is such a thing as too honest.
9
I would tell the letter writer to keep some perspective.

It sounds like you don't want to be unfaithful, don't want to jeapordize your marriage, and would feel bad about doing it. So acknowledge that you're having this crazy lust, minimize factors that'll put you in danger of caving in, and get on with your life.

This kind of stuff sucks, but:
a)It's a first world problem, so to speak. You have what sounds like a strong marriage and I presume you're not starving, infirm, or in physical danger. Remember to take some time to have gratitude for that. You can handle an extra-horny crush. Really you can. Don't wallow in it- find another focus.

b)It will almost certainly pass/fade. When it does, you will probably feel better about having been loyal than you will about fucking this guy.

c)Since you know your husband isn't into the idea of opening things up, if you DO do this, you really don't have any idea what the consequences- both short and long-term- will be.

Good luck.
10
And I am SO with #8.
11
Certainly this individual you feel you must fuck has something unattractive about them. Focus on that, then focus on the ensuing shitstorm that will happen if you do fuck him. Do this every single time you see him or think about him. Soon enough, you wont really want to fuck him anymore.
12
I'm with #8 too... consider telling him, but don't show him the letter. If you do, he will probably always wonder whether you're thinking about other dude when you have sex.
13
Christ, this is going to be one of those questions where I find myself inexplicably on the wrong side of things.

Fuck him - a one-time deal and make it worth it. And don't fucking tell anyone about it this time or make it ridiculous and obvious and get caught.

I know I stand alone over here, but if my husband were lusting after someone and not because he wanted a new life with her, but because he just wanted to fuck her once? I wouldn't want to know ANYTHING about it (not the lust or the fuck), and he damn well should be safe - he should fuck her and end the damn distracting lust.
14
You can't be friends with this guy. Stop talking to him, unfriend him, delete his cell number. Never drink around him. You can let him know why you're doing what you're doing, or not. Hell, if he gets pissed off at you, that might be even better.

If you want to stick to a plan (in your case, monogamy), you don't expose yourself to temptation at every turn. You wouldn't go on a diet where you make yourself an ice cream sundae, stare longingly at it for fifteen minutes, then throw it away and eat celery. Every day. No, you'd get rid of all the ice cream in your house, not buy anymore, and stay the fuck away from ice cream stores. Same thing here.

And yes, you can channel that pent up sexual frustration into hot, hot sex with your spouse/SO/whatever. That's what I do whenever I got a workplace crush.
15
doesn't seem to me like something that would happen just once. this sounds like affair material and feeding the obsession doesn't make it go away.

attraction fades. eventually. the dudes i've obsessed over in the past no longer remotely interest me. sometimes it took a while but it happens. if you're invested in your marriage, find a way to deal with the feelings.

DON'T be friends with the guy.
16
Spend time seriously considering all the likely consequences of your doing sex with him.

Also consider whom you wish to be boss, the rational, neocortical "you", or your teabagger-like early primate "you", and the consequences of _that_ decision.

Or, put another way, what is your desire and what is your will, and what are both to you?

Easier said than done...but.
17
Option A) Don't fuck the co-worker. Cut off all contact with the co-worker. Fuck the shit out of your husband.

Option B) Talk to the husband. Tell him you want to fuck your co-worker again. Prepare for the best or worst. And, let your husband fuck other women.
18
You need to spend time imagining this guy sitting on the toilet (and yelling at you through the door to know when dinner will be ready). Or beating a small child. Or wearing a hideous mustache. Whatever it takes. The guy is probably a weasel, and I think you know that or you wouldn't say you suspect he's seeing someone who mistakenly believes she's the only one.

Don't try to be friends with him. Don't think that fucking him once will take the edge off. If your husband is as awesome as you say, don't do this to him. It's fun to think about being a fool for love, but it's not fun to be that person.

19
You already know that if you do this, you will get caught, because you've been there and done that. You're clearly trying to do the right thing, and good on you for channelling some of that extra energy towards your husband. But it sounds like your will not to do this is slipping.

So you need to go ahead and have the conversation with your husband now, as Dan suggested.

Does your husband know about your history with this guy? If he has not been jealous or insecure about your continued association with an ex-fling, then odds are good the conversation will do no lasting damage. After all, he already knows that you are attracted to the other guy.

Engage your husband in helping you actively channel your lust towards him. Find out conclusively whether an open relationship (or a husband-approved one-time fling) is an option - don't just assume it isn't. And if you decide you cannot sleep with the other guy, tell HIM so and ask him, as your friend, to back you up. He should not ask you to sleep with him again, and if you slip up and approach him about it he should tell you no.
20
"An open relationship is not an option."

Maybe it isn't, or maybe it is. You'll never know unless you talk to your husband about what's going on. If he's such a great guy, he'll probably understand a lot better than you think. Whether you get to do this guy or not, your husband almost certainly already knows that something squirrelly is up with you. You'd be best off just coming clean.
21
If it was anyone but a coworker, I might endorse acting upon it. Maybe. But, CO-WORKER. Meaning, someone with whom you're likely to spend many more years around day-to-day. You've already had one fling that sounds like it took some time to recover from, and that was before you got hitched. Shit is likely to be way more complicated now and if it goes badly, the consequences could be much worse.
22
Your husband won't understand. You can control it, and you shouldn't be friends if you can't manage to. If you don't control it, you will be left with nothing.
23
Also, yeah: if you're really, head-in-the-sand determined not to talk to your husband about this, not to leave him, and not to cheat and risk getting caught... you need to cut off all nonprofessional contact with this other guy.

You may or may not need to leave your job. That's up to you. You absolutely will need to stop being alone with the guy, stop having friendly conversations with him, take him out of your phone and social networks, and never see him outside work. Remove the constant reminders of temptation.

But, again: that is only the best-case scenario if you take the cowardly option. Don't be craven.
24
Meh. I choose monogamy just because my ADD brain can't handle the chaos of multiple partners. Seriously, the top of my head would blow off eventually.

You've built sex with this guy up into some amazing transcendental experience, and having gone back to the well with that myself, it's not something you can re-create once you've lost the momentum. My ex and I felt like we were two very good friends who just knew how to push each other's correct buttons the few times we had sex after we reconnected. It was nice, but... Hell, maybe you could recapture it, but it sounds like what's really driving this is the whole forbidden fruit allure. You want to feel like you're transgressing. So transgress with your husband. Tell him about your fantasy and do some raunchydirtynasty role playing.

I figure, people who buy into monogamy get a pass for the occasional nonmonogamous slip-up, but in your case, I think it would be unwise to even go there. The premeditation, the obsession with one person in particular, the wallowing in the drama, the fact that the extramarital partner is not going away afterwards - all a bad mix. Find new and fun ways to fuck the bejesus out of your husband and try to figure out why you seem to be wanting to desperately sabotage what you say is a happy monogamous relationship. Maybe it ain't. Maybe you have some issues. Who the heck knows? But you should try to figure it out.
25
If this guy is making clear that he would gladly do it all over again, he is not your friend. Don't trust him, don't confide in him, don't have lunch with him. Be busy, without making a big deal of it, when he tries to talk to you. He is not your friend.
26
Don't have sex with him. First, since you work closely with him, it probably won't be a one time thing, let's be honest. Best sex she thinks that she's ever had? NO! Seriously, does anybody take their vows seriously anymore?? Love, honor, and respect. If you really need to do something, talk to your husband or don't act on it. That's what the "respect" part of the vow us for. Considering you apparently have a great marriage, you would have to be a fucking idiot to mess it up for a fuck. What you're considering is completely self centered. It's understandable to fantasize, but that's it. Remember: everybody goes through lusting after somebody else when in a monogamous relationship. Now get over it and quit whining.
27
Don't know why Dan bothered to try and include the mobile link with his battery running low and all, but he biffed--should be this:

http://slog.thestranger.com/blogs/slog/m…

(FYI, to change any mobile link to standard, delete the "blogs" in the URL along with the preceding slash, and change the word "mobile" to "archives". Standard link to mobile, do the reverse. I wish posts in /mobile/ would automatically map all embedded Slog links to the /mobile/ version, but oh well.)
28
This ain't no crush, this is an obsession. If I found out my woman was as obsessed with another man as you are, I'd walk.

I'd say the best option is cheat, in which case you'll either get caught and hurt your husband, which is good, because he can then make a clean emotional break from you. Or, you won't get caught, in which case there's no problem.
29
Oh, and if, when talking to this guy, his response to your desire to fuck him was: "I wouldnt say no" instead of: "Does your husband know? What does he think?" then he is a sleazebag.
30
I don't think it's a great idea to tell him. If my partner is dying to fuck some other girl, I'm okay with that (it's natural, whatever), but I wouldn't want him to tell me. What am I supposed to do with that information, other than be filled with worry, distrust, and feelings of inadequacy? Sure, telling him might make her feel better, but I can't fathom it would make him feel good, and that's kind of selfish, isn't it? The only justifiable reason would be if she were to follow it up with a discussion about opening up their marriage -- and she's already said that's not an option. So don't tell him.

Two choices: cheat (with the discretion of a master spy so it remains forever a secret) and live with the guilt by truly accepting what Dan says in his last paragraph. And hope you get this out of your system, or else expect the drama to continue with this guy or the next one (examine your values -- are you okay with being this person?[and I say that without judgement; it's up to you]). You sound tormented, and if cheating only prolongs the torment, then it's not going to bring you happiness. But if it leaves you feeling like you've scratched that itch and can finally settle down into the life you've chosen, then maybe this is something you need to do.

Or, don't cheat. Try to channel your desire into something else: sex with your husband (obviously), dance, writing, competitive sports. I'm just saying, it does work for some people. You need to do something with all that libidinous energy! But you have to get some distance from this guy. You have to tell him, firmly, that the door is closed. It's up to you whether or not you can do that. You need to really meditate on what your husband and marriage mean to you, and what it would feel like to lose that. This sounds a bit cheesy, but try writing a letter to your future self justifying your behaviour (both for cheating or not cheating) and asking for forgiveness. It might help clarify your values and desires.

I have a ton of sympathy for you. Good luck.
31
Everyone in a long-term, committed relationship is going to have crushes on occassion. Seriously, everyone. Find me one person who never even so much as masturbated while thinking of someone who is not their partner. You're absolutely right that this is a "boring", normal problem, because it happens to everyone. And it won't last forever.

There are lots of great suggestions here for how to deal with it. Find one that sounds like it will work for you and give it a try.
32

One thing people seem to be missing here: FUCKING HIM ONE TIME WILL NOT CURB YOUR DESIRE TO FUCK HIM. Seriously. His dick isn't a magic pill which makes you not want to fuck him anymore. If you do it once, you'll most likely want him again more (especially since you've built it up so much). And once you've broken the barrier down for sleeping with him "just once", it will make it much easier the second, third, fifteenth time.

So yeah. Talk to your husband (perhaps not in the detail in the letter), and try and get over it. You can. But fucking him wont help getting over him.
33
The sex with him wasn't as good as you remember. Bet you anything. Lust is a construct of the mind.

My trick:

1.Find pic of a similarly built guy on the internet...naked in a very off-putting, unsexy pose.
(You won't have any trouble finding one, I promise. There's lots of 'em.)

2. Mentally photoshop his face onto that body.

3. Burn into memory.

4. Recall that image every time you start to desire him.

Done.

34
If it were some random guy then I might be agreeing with @13 and give you a one time, safe-sex free pass. But, this is a person you have to interact with on a daily (hourly?) basis, and someone with whom you previously had a relationship. As several others stated, everything is pointing towards a nuclear meltdown and a soon-to-be fucked up life.

He has nothing to lose if you end up screwing around, and he is probably encouraging you because of the power trip it gives him. But you would be jeopardizing a marriage that you say is phenomenal in all respects. Why would you do that? I almost want to say go fuck some random dude instead of the coworker, just to get the tension out of your system.

Don't remain friends with him. Instead, cut off all unnecessary contact and develop a business-only acquaintanceship with the guy.
35
No qualms here with the realization that my SO occasionally flirts with and has crushes on other people. But an obsession like this? I would rather not know.

The dishonesty/secrecy of cheating will hurt your husband more than the request to open things up, I'm betting. And the sex with your coworker will not be as good as the fantasy in your head anyways.
36
1) Be prepared to change jobs. If you're tempted by this guy so much that any contact with him gets you hot to trot, you'll need to find a way to cut off contact.

2) Like others said, stay away from him outside of work, and be prepared to tell him to back off.

3) Keep making hubby the happiest guy imaginable. I mean, a morning quickie every work day? I'm sure he's got nothing to complain about.
37
cut off all contact. tell your husband your feelings and thoughts. go to therapy.
38
Unfortunately, whether you fuck him or not, this may happen again with someone else in 6 months, 2 years or 5 years. It would be better to discuss now than potentially taking 6 mo to get out of this situation and then having the same problem again at some later stage. Your husband may well also face this issue - now or later.

Talk about attraction to third parties. Wait until you got over the guy (fucking him or not) if you have to, but you must raise this topic; it may save your marriage in the long run. It should be mandatory conversation for all married couples after a few years together (or before having kids). Talking about how to handle external attraction will make it easier to manage when it happens.

And if the conversation goes well, buy "Sex at Dawn" and "The Ethical Slut" and get on with it, both of you! Good luck!
39
I think --if and only if your husband doesn't know about your history w/this guy-- you should tell him that you have a little crush on this co-worker. Don't show him the letter, don't say you leave every conversation wet and you're desperate to fuck him etc. Your husband will hopefully tease you about it and make fun of the guy in a slightly threatened way. As in: "Him? You have a crush on him? Isn't he the guy who said ‘Irregardless' at the office Xmas party? Isn't he the douche who reeks of Axe body spray?"
In time, you'll start to see him as that douche too.
I've been in a similar situation before and it did eventually pass, and I'm very, very glad I didn't act on it. Primarily because of my love for my partner and our family but also because I think I'd have had to leave a great job. Also I gotta second the person who said this sounds like a big dangerous affair not a one time fling.
40
As a person who isn't into monogamy, has shall-we-say "fond" if conflicted memories about handling an open marriage badly and doing things i shouldn't have, and thinks it can be super hot to reconnect with former lovers with whom the sex was great i say DON'T DO IT!!!!!!
25 and 29 are right, this dude isn't your real friend and should be doing a way better job at not tempting you.
If you actually want to be a good monogamist with your husband, wait this out and it will pass. Stop talking to the dude and understand he's sleazy for even telling you he wouldn't say "no".
It won't be worth it, even great sex isn't worth knowing you fail at things you want to do well, and hurting your partner in the mean time.
Yeesh. Stay strong, girl.
41
This reminds me of a story on This American Life. Episode 393: Infidelity: Act Two.
42
Just when I think Savage can't get more bass-akwards on monogamy, he says something like "If you're with someone for forty or fifty years and your spouse only cheats on you two or three times, your spouse was good at monogamy, not bad at it."

I think the power of single-handedly redefining Santorum has gone to his head. Whether you cheat once a week or once in fifty years, you aren't monogamous. The definition doesn't change based on frequency. You can't say Ted Bundy was pretty good at not killing people because he didn't slaughter six million of them like Hitler.

And SOL, like all cheaters you're trying to have your cake and eat it too. You have only two choices: divorce your husband so you're free to fuck office boy, or stay with your husband and forget all about office boy. Anything else and you're a CPOS.
43
If it is AT ALL possible, find a new job. After you've started there, tell your husband. Pitch it as, "I was attracted to that guy, it was starting to affect me more than it should, and you are worth so much more to me than that job." This has the virtues of being honest with your spouse about why you left the job, making sure he knows how much he means to you, AND waiting until it's 'safe' to tell him--you're already out of the temptation area, nothing for him to worry about anymore.

And agreed that sleeping with the dude once will not happen. If you do, it will be multiple times. You've already proven that.
44
DO IT!
45
OMG lady...get a grip on yourself. Your co-worker has nothing to lose, you have everything to lose. Plus he sounds like a complete dickwad. He doesn't care about you. In fact, from everything you say he sounds like he can take it or leave it. JUST LIKE EVERY OTHER CHICK HE RUNS INTO. Don't fall into his trap!! You know what I would imagine? How you'll feel like CPOS afterwards. For godsake don't shit all over your poor husband.
46
Every time you picture Guy At Work, think about all of the STDs he might have picked up between your previous encounter and now. Think of him as having whichever version of crotch rot freaks you out the worst, and implant the image of his disease ridden self in when a fantasy starts up.
(I've found this also works with exes and other inappropriate relations as well.)
47
You're kind of already cheating, at least emotionally. And you are consistently putting yourself in situations where you're one slip away from fucking this guy, and the only reason you're doing that is because you're hoping it will happen "accidentally."

I am also curious whether your husband was the cheated-upon boyfriend. Even if he wasn't, this is going to look very bad. "Hey, there's this guy I cheated on a former significant other with, and I just wanted you to know that he makes me wet all the time, and all I can think about is fucking him. Oh! And I hang out with him all day at work, officially and with every other opportunity I get!" Um, yeah.

I think that anyone you cheated on someone with in that way should be considered to be completely off limits ... no temptation allowed.

Now if you talked about it before you cheated, and hubby was cool with it, things would be different. But it isn't before you cheated in this case ... you've already cheated with this guy, just on someone else.
48
My own personal experience has been that obsessing over and romanticiaing a person, place, or activity from long ago is one of the first signs I'm getting a little depressed. Like chemical imbalance, requires medication depressed. I almost lost a great bf for "the one who got away" once and it turned out to just be a symptom of wanting to go back to a time I remembered as better or easier. Lately I've been REALLY missing the time when my daughter was about 4. I almost cry when I see Winnie the Pooh commercials because she'll never be little again and just sulks in her room all teenagerish. It's depression, not nostalgia. So even though it's possible that SOL really does just genuinely want this man more now that she has in the past few years when she's been fine working with him, just out of the blue for no reason, it's far more likely that this obsession is her brain's way of NOT thinking about something else, or of trying to get back a memory that time has blurred the edges of. She should maybe look into a little therapy or Zoloft before she blows up her marriage by either a) confessing something that might not really be what she confesses, or b) cheating on her husband because she can only deny herself what she thinks she needs for so long.
49
This is where cognitive behavioural therapy reigns supreme. You have an Emotion, which is not bad or wrong (in this case, desire). It is what it is. You also have control of your mind and your actions. This helped me through a period of major depression years ago, where I was trapped in a bad situation and had developed self-destructive emotional reactions to that situation. Short version is, you identify the emotional reaction, then come up with a logical answer to that emotion. Repeat as necessary.

I think for you, going to see a counselor might help a lot. You can deal with this in private, without involving either your husband or your coworkers.

Meanwhile, concur with everybody else and get AWAY from this guy. No contact unless work absolutely requires it. Delete his number from your phone, defriend him on FB, get rid of any and all contact info you have on him, period, end of story. If you can find a new job, that would help, and if your husband asks you can say you needed a change of scenery and leave it at that.

Finally, DON'T BE SO HARD ON YOURSELF. As of writing the letter, you haven't done anything wrong.
50
You obviously have way to much time to think about stupid shit at work. Try working harder, maybe focus slightly, and I'm sure these things won't persist.
51
wow
the troll is impressed with the slog-
some pretty good advice here....

let's recap:
1- don't do it
2- avoid all contact with office boy, as has been said, he is not your friend and does not have your best interest at heart. find a new job. or get office boy fired.
3-don't tell your husband. everybody has crushes but no one wants to know the who and details of their spouse's crushes- to many images in the head that won't go away
4- never never ever never show your husband the letter:
"it became all I could think about"
" I walk away from every conversation we have together wet and thinking about fucking him against the nearest hard surface"
"he sex we had years ago set the bar for every lover I've had since."
really?
your husband doesn't want to know.
and will never relate to you the same if you share.
(if your husband felt the same about a coworker would you want to know it?)

if you value your marriage do not for a moment take this situation lightly.
it is pure relationship TNT.

do not "enjoy the crush".
run from it.
no good can come from it.
52
Seems the guy is a cheating piece of shit. Forget about him.
53
and @47 makes a good point.

emotional cheating is still cheating.

sure, it isn't adultery but it will diminish and damage your relationship.
and is the gateway drug to worse things.

in fact, and easier than ever thanks to the 'nets, a person can emotionally cheat with someone they never actually meet and yet the 'affair' can totally gut their real world relationship.

get a grip on yourself.
54
You're 33 years old. You hope to be married a long time. You and your husband are very likely to face this issue again. I agree with the people suggesting finding a good counselor to talk to about all this. But I also think you shouldn't totally hide this issue from your husband -- I like 43's suggestion to talk about it, but also to minimize the level of obsession so you don't scare off your husband: "I was attracted to that guy, it was starting to affect me more than it should, and you are worth so much more to me than that job."

Also, Dan's wrong to bring this out: "If you're with someone for forty or fifty years and your spouse only cheats on you two or three times, your spouse was good at monogamy." I think that's great advice for a wife who learns about her husband's one-time, long-ago fling. SOL hasn't been married that long, and this guy in particular is dangerous crack to her.
55
@42 No, Dan is right. You are confusing "good" with "perfect". Let's look at anything else in life: If you cook delicious meals for yourself or your family and once or twice you burn dinner does that make you a bad cook? If in 25 years of driving you once skid on ice during a storm into a ditch does that make you a bad driver? If you are late with a bill twice in 30 years does that make you bad at managing money? Of course not, just about everyone would say that you're at cooking/driving/budgetting if you've only had the occasional mistake. Therefore in 40 or 50 years of monogamy if you have the rare slip up that does not make you bad at monogamy. It makes you someone who isn't 100% perfect at monogamy.
56
Quit your job. There is literally no way this ends well with the two of you working together.
57
HAHA at 42 and 45 you both found metaphors that work for your point but what your missing is that you can't be good OR bad at monogamy. Monogamy isn't like cooking or killing people so stop saying stupid things. Monogamy is a choice. If someone chooses to have sex with another partner I personally would say they just aren't monogamous, but maybe they want to be.

So Dan I challenge you to retract what you said because I don't think anyone can say if one is 'good' or 'bad' at monogamy.

Someone who had two wives, then seperated from one and then got three more wouldn't be 'not good' at polygamy. They would just be, polygamous (or polyamorous).

If someone 'slips' they should know this and consider themselves not a monogamist... yet.

Or maybe I'm completely wrong, I'm sure a lot of people will think so.
58
Burn the office.
59
So you want to stop lusting after this guy ... or visit an alternate universe where you can fuck him. Since it's not possible to visit the alti-verse, here are some mental tricks to diminish the intensity of the crush.

When you fantasize about fucking this guy, make it a point NOT to stop the fantasy when the sex ends with your orgasm. DO NOT STOP THE TAPE HERE...CONTINUE the fantasy to your co-workers finding out, your husband leaving you, you getting together with this guy, you getting bored of each other, him cheating on you just like he's willing to cheat on his current girl with you ... and you not even caring because you'll be tired of him too.

Don't just focus on your feelings for your husband & try to push away your thoughts about your ex. It's the pushing away that gives them power. Instead accept the thoughts and fantasies about your ex BUT TAKE THEM ALL THE WAY THROUGH TO THEIR CONCLUSION ... which will be no better than it was the last time. You know this already or you would have already given in to this.

IF your husband can handle it, then sharing your crush with him is a good idea, because keeping this a secret is also giving it power.

If you can follow this technique EVERY TIME you think about your ex for even a week, though, you'll probably find that it isn't that important to tell your husband because it just isn't that big a deal anymore.

Remember that this is entirely in your head for now.
So use your head to fix it.
60
You need to find a new place to work. This guy isn't going to stop pushing your buttons, and you're only going to keep thinking about him until you can fuck him again, or until he's no longer able to tease you.
61
@49: Can you give an example of one or two laps in the feedback loop you're describing? For example, what do you mean by "logical answer to that emotion."
Just curious.
62
@55: The standards are different when the stakes are higher. I don't pay that much attention when I usually cook, but if I knew that a particular meal were extremely important to my partner, would completely destroy her if I got it wrong, and I fuck it up anyway? Yeah, I'm a bad cook. No matter what "just happened," I should have gotten my shit together, started super early, and had a shit-ton of contingency plans for every possibility I could imagine.

Same thing with monogamy. We can be forgiven for not paying too close attention to things that don't really matter in the long run. But when something REALLY REALLY matters to your partner, you should not fuck it up.

Of course, that can also be an argument for being in a non-monogamous relationship, if you don't want that kind of pressure all the time. And I totally respect the non-monogamous option, having done it myself in the past. But given that SOL has committed to monogamy, and given that cheating would (apparently) emotionally devastate her husband, fucking it up makes her bad at monogamy.
63
@55 & 62: I thinking a more appropriate analogy would be " cook every day for 25 years and once or twice slip blowfish poison into the dinner ..."
64
Tell your husband. Even if he is upset and hurt, he will get over it, because you didn't do anything wrong, and the infraction (so far) is minor. At this stage it is just a thought crime. You are telling him how you feel, and he should be able to handle honest communication, even if he doesn't love what he is hearing. After the stinging stops, he will appreciate you for being honest with him and staying faithful. His trust in you will be enhanced. There are two possible (but not necessarily likely) bonus possibilities to being honest....
1)He might come around after a day, month, or year, and tell you to go for it with this guy
2)Getting it off your chest might reduce some of the forbidden fruit excitement you feel towards this guy, and you might find it easier to resist his charms.

Good luck.
65
Make this about your husband: Suggest bringing home a hot woman for a threesome, because your sex drive has gone up (you are a woman in your thirties, after all). Then tell your husband you have a cuckold fantasy, because you've heard the sperm competition would give him a mind-blowing orgasm. And see where it goes from there.
66
Interesting discussion of the metaphor of cooking... To know whether extramarital sex should count as burning dinner or as blowfish poison, we'd have to know more about the marriage. For me, it was in between... life-changing but survivable. I think people thinking about marriage should be encourage to read this thread and discuss!

@61 you weren't asking me, but my experience with cognitive behavioural therapy was that I would imagine someone else who was feeling the emotion, and think about what I would say to that person.
Me1: My husband had sex with someone else! He must not love me!
Me2: Well, do you have any other evidence that he doesn't love you? Do you have evidence that he does love you? Why place so much weight on one event, versus years of happiness?
67
I think it's clear, Poster, that you would like to do the right thing here, despite wrestling with this (and boy can I relate to the way you describe the sexual tension and sex... I had one of those once who set the bar for all who followed... I would be in the exact same boat as you if he were to reappear in my life in some way right now...) I think what you should do is to seriously consider jobhunting. It seems to me like explaining it to your husband shouldn't really be THAT difficult - that perhaps it's the guilt you'd be feeling when you told him that would make it tough, as well as having to tell a white lie. But tell him any number of things - you've been feeling bored lately, you're hungry for a new challenge and it couldn't hurt to see what's out there, etc. - and consider taking an active step to stay faithful to your marriage, which is what you want to do, and leaving these hot memories in the past. After all, if you screw around with him now, and even if the sex is fantastic... a couple years from now they will just be memories, just like the ones you already have. If you move on and put yourself in a position where he is no longer in your vicinity to tempt you, down the road I think you'll feel pretty good about yourself - based on the fact that it sounds like that's what you really want to do, deep down. In my case, I didn't work with the guy, thank god... but in the end, I had to block his email address from my gmail account so that if he ever sent me an email, it would go off into a void and I'd never even know (nor would he)... I was dating someone that I really liked and also didn't want to f. it up.

Also, just quickly - great letter. Do you have any idea how many people can relate to you, and how few could put it into such perfect words? Thanks for writing.
68
Good advice, Dan. I say that mainly because this letter sounds trollish to me -- with recent GOPper attacks on Dan, getting him to encourage a struggling wife to give in to temptation would be a great way to "prove" that Dan Savage is anti-marriage, an advocate of cheating and not the balanced source of good info he claims to be.
69
@63: That's a good point. The things @55 mentions are accidents. You don't accidentally fuck someone, no matter how much you'd like to absolve yourself of any responsibility.
70
@49, I like you.

All the rest of you fanatically going off on how anyone who ever cheats at all, ever is not only not good at monogamy but is absolutely not monogamous... holy crap, why are you all acting like fundamentalists? This is still Slog, right? Most of the time the lot of you seem to understand that humans are, in fact, human, and occasionally make mistakes. That's a pretty liberal attitude, you know? That people are fallible and that faithfully doing your best to stick to an ideal is the right thing to do, while not damning yourself for occasional mistakes? But now you're all 'Spergin out about absolutist definitions.

Somebody can be a really good driver and still get a couple of tickets over a lifetime of automobile operation, especially when they're young and still learning. People learn by making mistakes. The fact that this is about sex doesn't change that.
71
@61: This could have been the dialogue in my head circa 1998. In fact, I remember a lot of this vividly, because when the ghosts and demons reappear, they tend to say the same things.

Emotional reaction to something: "Well, no wonder you screwed the pooch. You're stupid, lazy, and ugly. Quit trying to be somebody you're not. You'll never be any good, so might as well not even bother."

Rational answer: "I got a 1400 on my SAT, won a scholarship for my writing, and have a 3.5 GPA. I am not stupid. Stupid people do not study hard to get into good universities, get As and Bs in their classes, or win awards."

Emotions: "You're still lazy and ugly."

Rational answer: "I'm on the university rowing team, on the first squad, am in two different choirs, and STILL getting a 3.5 GPA. I barely have time to sleep. It is not possible to do all of these things AND excel at them AND be lazy."

Emotions: "So, still dodging on ugly, huh? Guess it's because you know you'll never win that one."

Rational self: "You are correct, and it doesn't matter. I have never gotten anything from life by sheer beauty alone, I've always had to do hard work and planning and make it happen, and that will exist long after beauty fades."

I had to practice those responses to myself an awful lot.

Eventually, and by that I mean after about 6 months, I was able to start identifying triggers that let the ghosts and demons out of azkerban. Being tired is a big one. Being very hungry is another. Dealing with certain family members is a big-time trigger. It's kind of nice to know that I'm not spiraling down into depression, I just need a good night's sleep.

Now, a decade later, I can do something incredibly boneheaded, and let myself be disappointed and unhappy and regretful, yet still maintain the dispassion to figure out what went wrong and avoid doing that again.

So, for the letter writer:

Emotional: "I wanna fuck this guy!"
Rational: "That's nice. But remember what happened last time? You know already that you don't want to deal with the drama again."
Emotional: "Awww, but it wasn't so bad! It'll be okay!"
Rational: "It was so bad. You almost lost your job. That is bad."
Emotional: "That was last time, it won't be like that....."
Rational: "I have no proof of that. The stakes are higher this time, I could lose my job AND my marriage, for the sake of a fuck. This is not in my personal best interest, my financial best interest, or my social best interest."
Emotional: "Fuck me, I'm gonna cheat on my husband, I'm so evil, I can't help myself. Might as well just get it over with and stop torturing myself."
Rational: "There is NO thought crime. Just because my cooch is wet doesn't mean I HAVE to put a dick in it. I haven't done anything wrong and I'm going to continue to not do anything wrong and I'm not going to beat myself up emotionally for a sin I haven't committed."
Emotional: "But...but...but I still wanna fuck this guy!"
Rational: "That's nice. But remember what happened last time?"
72
@69, people do not have perfect willpower, especially when sex hormones or alcohol are involved, and especially when it's both. I would contend that you can, in fact, accidentally fuck somebody. I think doing something you know you shouldn't, and that you regret afterwards, because you are biologically compelled and possibly judgment-impaired, is close enough to "accidental" for government work.
73
@70, thank you.

That's a pretty liberal attitude, you know? That people are fallible and that faithfully doing your best to stick to an ideal is the right thing to do, while not damning yourself for occasional mistakes?

And...knowing that there is a big difference between wrestling with temptation (best two falls out of three, even) and screwing up. Being tempted to do something wrong doesn't mean that you've done something wrong.

In this instance, cheating = wrong, by the LW's definition.
74
No, @8, you're not alone. I totally agree.

Fuck this guy. Make sure it is safe and DISCREET. Tell no one. Make sure he tells no one. Do it once and move on. Just one thing: You know you want to do this. It's your life. If you're prepared to take responsibility for it, knock yourself out. If you're not willing to live w/ the consequences, no matter what they be, then stay in your present situation.
75
This is why you should never fuck where you work, unless you have a handy exit strategy lined up and ready to go. Given past history, if the same group of people still work at the company, every last person will know as soon as the fucking commences. So, fucking this guy without getting caught is not an option.
76
Do not tell your husband. He doesn't want to know. He won't forget it; it won't be OK after you tell him; he'll want you to quit your job and he'll never trust you again. Telling him would simply be dumping your guilt onto his shoulder and he doesn't deserve that, especially when you tell him you've been f-ing him in the morning hoping you won't lust quite so much during the day over the other guy. Yes, what husband wouldn't want to know that. Geez, get a clue.
77
If I may add science to this conversation, you're facing the same thing that plagues smokers: an immediate physical urge fighting with a long-term, basically mental/emotional good. Radiolab did a great show about this ("Help!", March 8, 2011) where a smoker who was determined to quit finally announced to her friends, "If you ever see me smoking, I will donate $10,000 to the KKK." It worked, because it made the battle fair: immediate physical gratification versus immediate painful cost.

So I think you should announce--to Dan? to a confidante? to us? to your husband?--that if you ever so much as touch this guy's cock, you'll have to donate $10,000 to Rick Santorum's reelection campaign. Then I predict you'll be able to enjoy the sexy feelings this guy produces at a suitably safe and non-destructive distance.
78
and YES, at #76 - what on earth were you thinking with that one, Dan?
79
@72: OK, suppose I'm sexually frustrated with my girlfriend for some reason or another, have a little too much to drink, and punch her in the face. Is this "accidental"? Or is she completely justified in dumping my motherfucking ass? If I only do it a few times during our relationship, am I good at controlling my temper?

BTW: I've been cheated on, and I've been hit hard enough to break bones. Broken bones are easier to deal with.
80
@79, you can take it from me - although you apparently shouldn't have to - that being cheated on and being hit in serious anger are things to forget, rather than things to brag about.

Is it accidental? I don't know. Maybe? I'm not sure that trying to sort it into black-and-white categories changes anything about it, which was my original point, and I apologize if that wasn't clear.

Maybe you can accidentally fuck someone, or accidentally punch someone. I don't know. It depends on what you mean by "intent" and "accident" and I know enough science to know that people don't really have anything you could reasonably call Free Will, so maybe it's moot.

What I do know is that I wouldn't trust someone who was accident-prone with nuclear fuel or a Ming vase. Maybe it would be their fault if they dropped it, and maybe it wouldn't, but I'd judge what to do in tat situation solely based on the probabilities of what was going to happen, not whether or not it was "accidental." There's a reason we take driver's licenses away for accidents.
81
@80: Not bragging, just trying to cut off any talk of cheating being "less serious" than hitting.

Anyway, the designation of "accidental" is not merely an exercise in metaphysical classification. The underlying purpose was to determine how to react to cheaters: are their transgressions dismissed as "accidents" or should they be swiftly dumped? More importantly, the question is how people should address their own potential transgressions. Should they shrug their shoulders and say "accidents happen," or should they make every possible effort to ensure that they never, ever transgress?

I think it depends on the severity of the transgression, specifically how much harm it will cause people you care about. I don't particularly care if I fuck up a meal-- hell, I did it this morning. But there's no way in hell I'm ever going to hit my girlfriend, and if I were an angry drunk, I would stop drinking. The same goes with cheating.
82
I see the part where you're asking for advise, but what I think you want to hear is, fuck him.

Of course, only fuck him once, then quit your job and stop answering his calls, guys love that. *rolls eyes*

Be honest. Whatever the fuck you do, BE HONEST ABOUT IT. Everyone around you will thank you.
83
@48 has a real point. It may not be about this particular guy at all.

@65: "sperm competition"? Please. And, I don't think a wife can have a cuckold fantasy on her husband's behalf.
84
Wow. I normally agree w/Dan's advice and the few times where I don't can at least see where he's coming from. On this one, however, I am so with sarah68 @76.

Do not tell your husband. At least not now. Tell him five years from now after it's all long-played out (assuming you don't actually break down and screw the guy). But to tell him now while you're in the midst of it and while you're working w/the lust object? For fuck's sake no.

I absolutely do not want to know that my gal pal is getting wet from conversations w/a co-worker. That I'm getting mental sloppy seconds in the morning so she can cope at work. Yitch. Talk about throwing a huge spanner in the emotional gears.

Screw or don't screw. Leave job or don't. See counselor or not. Not sure where I fall. But if your guy is anything like most of the het guys I know, telling him now (let alone sharing this letter!) will be a huge mistake. Do that and you may as well fuck the other dude anyway.
85
72: "@69, people do not have perfect willpower, especially when sex hormones or alcohol are involved, and especially when it's both. I would contend that you can, in fact, accidentally fuck somebody."

Drunken teenage boys all over America would agree. Now send your sister over so we can get really drunk with her, and then fuck her. After she pulls that train and if she cries rape, well, sex and alcohol. You know how it is. It was accidental.

(Yeah, yeah, now comes the feminist Take Back the Night chorus to screech about no equivalence. Fuck off. I am making a point, and using a pointed analogy. Keep your rape paranoia psychosis to yourself.)

I am kind of dumbstruck at the "well, girl's gotta cheat if she gotta cheat" cheerleading.

That husband will feel pretty raw after he finds out his bullshit wife is explaining that she is sorry, but she just really wanted to fuck some other guy. When did that become an outcome she is okay with? Chick needs to get her act together. She is messed up. You all need to stop cheering her on as she downs those life-crushing whiskey shots.
86
You must have had at least one crush in your life that was so stupid and/or inappropriate that you're now ashamed about. Well, keep thinking about that crush and how pathetic it now seems to you, and try to find similarities because I promise you there must be many.
87
@76, this is hard for me to understand: "after you tell him... he'll never trust you again."

For some of us, it's the secrets that lead to the lack of trust, and hiding big emotions is a secret...
88
This has been a really interesting discussion today... so many interesting and intelligent comments -- thanks everyone!
89
@85, that thing that just flew right by you? The one you didn't catch?

That was the point.
90
Three Points:

1. A friend is as a friend does. Your ex has shown by his behavior that he is very clearly NOT your friend. In fact, his shitty disregard for the effects of his actions on you or others around him qualify him as a bona-fide douche (and, incidentally, pretty much guarantee that the sex wasn't as good as you remember.)

2. If you are actually serious about protecting your husband and your long-term happiness, you need to cut off contact w/the ex, cold turkey, no excuses. All that frustration you feel? Tough. Deal with it. And channel it in part by (passive-)aggressively avoiding the ex and planning your escape from your current situation. Which means...
3. You need to start looking for a new job.
91
Dan, I'd rather be wondering how much fun you could have had trying to get Terry to give up the power cord. But, alas ... back to the LW.

I've been trying to focus on the love I feel for my husband, with whom I have a fantastic sex-life. I've taken to fucking him before I go to work, to take the edge off. I vacillate wildly on any given day between resolve that the only solution is to quit my job (which will not be easy to replace, and my quitting would be difficult to explain at home), to planning secret trysts.
LW, you're deluded if you think you might not lose your job altogether (none of this delicate "quitting" as a preemptive measure) when people around you find out. In the bad-old-days, it was usually the woman who got axed. Nowadays, many companies find it more expedient to can both employees for contributing to an uncomfortable work environment. When I was working, there was a couple (both married) who thought they'd pulled the wool over everyone's eyes. But, in fact, they were the laughingstocks of the company. What kind of a reputation do you think you'll emerge with?

As for fucking your husband every morning, he's not stupid either and will eventually pick up on your desperation. I'm sure he'll find it a great boost to his ego [/sarcasm] to know that you're using him as the methodone alternative to the heroin available at work.

You're an adult. Start behaving like a responsible one.
92
Know that the sex with this guy can't possibly live up to the fantasy you've created in your mind. Instead of obsessing over how wet he makes you, start focusing on any annoying flaws he might have. Remember, he's just some dude, and he's probably not spending as much time thinking about you as you are about him. Definitely not worth hurting your husband over. Your husband loves you, whereas this crush wouldn't care if your marriage got wrecked. Some friend.
93
I think what you're asking for is advice on how to resist your desire for this guy; you seem pretty clear that you'd like to make good on a monogamous commitment to your husband. So here goes...

Crushes (or rather, the way they make you feel) are like addictions - so you have to take it one day at a time.

Just make a promise to yourself - don't fuck this coworker today. Have the same goal tomorrow. No one single day is impossible to get through. If each day you set only the goal of not breaking your commitment to your husband for just that one day, then you can totally accomplish that goal, and eventually enough days will pass that the desire changes as well.

This is the only thing that's ever worked for me, and I empathize with your "clock ticking down" feeling really strongly, so I think it might help you, too.
94
@87, what I meant about saying that the husband will never trust her again is, I'd think, obvious. He'll never trust her that she's demonstrating any real, honest emotion with him, instead of just using him as a substitute for what she'd rather have.

Full disclosure does not always help relationships, especially if you want to stay in them. Either get yourself out of that stupid situation, or get out of the marriage; don't just make your spouse feel like shit. That's not exactly being honest.
95
@I Hate Screen Names, who wrote: "But given that SOL has committed to monogamy, and given that cheating would (apparently) emotionally devastate her husband, fucking it up makes her bad at monogamy."

I more or less agree with you, but I think I have to disagree with the specific statement I quoted. You see, the point is not that SOL is bad at monogamy: the other definition given (a couple of times over 30 years isn't bad for monogamy, like cooking, etc.) is perfectly OK. What SOL is bad at is keeping promises, which is a different skill than monogamy.

She is good at monogamy if she only slipped a couple of times in thirty years. But if she promised that she would be pefect, not just good, at monogamy, and then failed to do so, then she is not good at keeping promises.

Doesn't that seem to you to be a better description of the situation?
96
@95: How is keeping promises a different skill than monogamy? Monogamy is a special case of the skill of keeping promises. For some people, it's a very difficult promise to keep. For others, it's not as difficult. But monogamy, by definition, consists of keeping the specific promise to not have sex with someone else.
97
I agree with everyone who says that this guy is NOT your friend. So the two of you got back into contact and then he made it clear that the basis for your friendship meant absolutely nothing to him? Girl, he doesn't give a shit about your happiness. Any real friend would've bottled up his desire to get back with you. Any actual friend of yours would be the one writing to Dan rather than burdening you with the fact that he is ready, willing and standing by to help you destroy your marriage and / or career.

Also, tell your husband a much, much milder version of what you told Dan. Say you've got a little crush at work... maybe let him figure out for himself where your amazing sex drive is coming from. No man is going to be bitter that you're fucking him silly. And if the two of you can make a joke out of your attraction to this guy, the situation won't seem so serious anymore. It's ridiculous, it's funny, it really is. And laughter kills lady-boners.

In other words, you don't know whether to laugh or cry? Laugh. Laugh and get the fuck over it. Next time that idiot starts flirting with you at work, I don't care how wet your cunt is, shake your head and laugh derisively at him as if he were some unattractive schlub who just tried the worst pick-up line ever on you.
98
Put me in the camp that says "DON'T tell your husband." Most certainly don't tell your husband in the kind of detail in this letter. Doing that, you have for all intents and purposes put the man you are married on notice that he is in second place. Look at the hyperbole you are slinging around:

-- "The sex we had years ago set the bar for every lover I've had since." (Including you, hubby. He sets the bar, not you. YOU are living up to HIS standard, not the other way around.)

-- "I walk away from every conversation we have together wet and thinking about fucking him against the nearest hard surface." (I don't do that with you, dear.)

-- "I've taken to fucking him before I go to work, to take the edge off." (I'm not fucking you because I want YOU. I'm fucking you because I want HIM.)

Honestly, how would you react if your husband told you things like that about some coworker of his? (And by extension, how that means he must feel about you by comparison.) Do you honestly think that wouldn't blow a hole in YOUR self-esteem big enough to drive a truck through?

The reality is that this is a fantasy, blown way out of proportion in your head. Your husband does not need to have his peace of mind destroyed over something that isn't even real. No, you should be prepared to maintain the pleasant fiction that your spouse is absolutely the best thing to ever happen to you. Because if he isn't, and he finds out that he isn't, he is entirely in the right to send you packing, to be with the ACTUAL best thing that ever happened to you. (If that other guy is in fact as wonderful as you remember.) I know my reaction would be very much like "Really, you think he is so fucking wonderful, why on earth are you married to me? And why on earth am I married to someone who thinks some other guy is so much better?"
99
@97: "No man is going to be bitter that you're fucking him silly."

A sudden increase in sexual activity is commonly cited as a red flag for cheating. He might very well take that as evidence that you don't merely have a crush, but are actually going ahead and acting on it.
100
@99: If that's the case, then he may very well (assuming he obsessively reads and gender-swaps Cosmo articles about "Is Your Man Cheating On You!?!?!?") already assume that she is cheating.

Crushes are a somewhat ridiculous fact of life, and I personally would not want a spouse who takes my having a crush as "why do you think this other guy is better than me?" but I guess YMMV. I think the more S.O.L. treats this situation like a deadly serious drama in which she has committed the horrible crime of being attracted to a man other than her husband, the more likely she is to end up "inevitably" riding the STD-ridden dick of her sleazy work friend. So yes, I think she should tell - she should minimize it in the telling, but she should tell.

That's what I'd want my partner to do in this situation. And truly, if I'm getting railed every day before work, I do not care what the impetus is. I mean, I already know it's probably not my bed head and pajama t-shirt.

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