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"Your batshit-insane insistence on stripping even though you clearly hate it has affected me negatively in the following ways..."
I wonder if she comes from an extremely repressed religious family?
I'm someone who in the past (because of his need to help others) has always seen the need to be caretaker and problem solver...and I've learned the hard way...you cannot fix or change or cure anyone of their ills...and when you try you do them a disservice by keeping them from feeling or dealing with issues they need to deal with.
The only solution is to go against your instinct to help and walk away and tell her she needs to get her shit together and when she does you'll be there...until then...she's got to face this herself.
You cannot fix anyone but yourself. So start there.
The selfishness of some people!
Also, when someone says, "I hate this self-destructive pattern I keep doing, don't let me do that." You should translate that as, "I cannot be trusted to make sound decisions in my life and need major help to sort my shit out. Help me get that help. (Also, I'd like to blame you when I fuck this up.)" However, it does not mean that you are obligated to be her therapist. She needs someone with experience, training, and possibly backup to help her. This is not your skill set. You sound like a nice guy, but no matter what she says, these are not things you can stop her from doing (even if she asks), nor should she try to make you her Jiminy Cricket. Her behavior indicates a serious set of problems that need treatment that you can't provide. If you can't get her to reliably participate in that treatment voluntarily, recommend that her family become involved.
Someone who self harms and goes about escorting as part of a self-destructive agenda is at high risk for abuse, STIs, and also, due to draconian prostitution laws, prosecution.
If she is taking the risks you describe with her mental health, she may already be flirting with unsafe sex, dangerous clients, and not maintaining basic precautions to mitigate the likelihood of her being arrested.
I hope you enjoy monitoring all aspects of her private life and *forcing* her to make the right decisions forever. This isn't about being sex-positive, when she's obviously not "positive" about her sexuality.
Either way, DTMFA. She obviously doesn't want to get real, professional, meaningful help and he can't make her. I'd say he needs to take a really close look at himself and why he stayed involved in this crazy shit for so long.
On her birthday a few days later, a very aggressive assholish guy that had been making fun of her friends, insulting the owners of the house we were in, and putting me down, got really aggressive sexually with her and ended up taking her home to his place.
This girl needs serious psychiatric help. Help that is far above your pay grade. Some things are just best left to professionals.
Either DTMFA, or insist she begin therapy immediately as a condition of staying in a relationship with you. Insist that she stay with it for as long as it takes to work through her huge mental pile of shit she's accumulated. If she refuses for any reason, then end it. There is nothing else to be done. Any other path will only lead to more misery for both of you.
This is not the story of a man whose girlfriend (real or imagined) is a serial cheater/humiliator. This is a man whose girlfriend (likely not imagined) has severe psychological issues. He himself probably has something of a "fixer" complex as well.
I feel like this letter has ruined all my dreams.
Run Like Your Hair Is On Fire
a) Nobody's really as screwed up as she's described?
b) Nobody would really get drawn into her drama and think she can be helped?
c) Other (please specify)
If a or b, you're an idiot. If c, you're probably an idiot.
I have friends that went to "college" and grew up to be normal, fun people with kids and a husband and a successful social life. Where's the story in that, though?
Second, every guy is entitled to one hot-mess episode in their life where they get sucked in by the hotness & find out about the mess part later. However, WTH, IF you find yourself having another relationship that involves this kind of insanity, you need to look at why you are picking the wounded birds & stop doing it.
Get away now. Don't answer another call from her ever. If she's bleeding from her wrists on your doorstep, call an ambulance, but don't go outside.
She is broken beyond all repair. She is poison and will destroy everything she touches.
After you have been completely free of her for three months, take yoga so you can become flexible to kick yourself in the ass - for ever taking her back after she left the party with the abusive asshole.
Get a clue and some self-respect - no amount of hotness is worth this. Wise up and move on.
What's with all these letters lately where guys are dating crazy girls?
It's also extremely likely that she's refusing to engage in safety precautions (because she believes/hopes that she'll die).
She needs professional medical help. He's seriously not qualified to give her the level of help she needs, nor should he sign up to become her doctor/authority figure /whatever instead of her boyfriend. And she's seriously not ready to be a girlfriend right now. She needs to go deal with her shit and get better.
Please ask the people at the hospital (where she was committed) how to get them to help her, and then how to get out with the least amount of further damage to her and to yourself.
It also sounds like you're her only support system right now, which, as you've noticed, is not OK -- no person can deal with this on their own. Please get her to a place that can help, such as a psych ward, and then walk away. It's also OK to call her family and have *them* get her there.
@32 - "So exactly how hot are these woman from the last two sllotd's that they can get away with crap like this?" - It's not always a matter of how hot the hot mess is, but rather, how much responsibility does the load bearer feel, how guilty would they feel if their partner overdosed or totally ruined their life, etc.
LW, contact the psych ward in which she was committed, and tell them her compulsions are reasserting themselves. See if you can find a way to get her committed again upon that basis. Does she have family she's close to? Tell them she really, really needs help and put them in touch with the psych ward.
Then, break up with her once and for all. You can't save this person.
I'm sorry, but have you set up the appointment for your therapist yet?
Having gone through "accessory to suicide" in both successful and threatened forms, (in my opinion/experience) you're already fucked. It's not your fault, but there are worse things in the world than dying. And your SO is dragging you into them.
Get help for yourself, ASAP.
You do need help with this, but if you know little about her family, tread carefully.
First of all, there's a huge age difference (that would be less apparent if both were older, say even 31 vs 38). At 28, he really should be more aware about life, but he does sound quite adolescent and naïve. Especially about women.
OTOH, she's only 21, but has already retired from being an allegedly high-end prostitute and had a bf who didn't know that. Um ... if I was in a relationship with somebody who kept giving me lazy excuses as to why they were unavailable a lot, I'd be more than suspicious of what they were doing in their alleged free time.
Also ... younger than 21 and a "high-end prostitute"????? I'm sorry but, from the way he describes her, despite being beautiful and sexy, she hardly resembles a discreet, professional sex-worker - someone who would command more money. With her low self-esteem issues and alcohol abuse, she sounds more like a really cheap hooker. It's also interesting to see him mentioning more than once that she didn't need the money. Well, she had to have thrown it away on something if she doesn't have a place of her own and has to stay with "friends".
I'm wondering if he's even had any sex with her, especially as he doesn't mention it. He may think he's being the honourable good guy by not presuming to pressure her into a sexual relationship (and I get such a quasi-virginal vibe from his letter). As if that'll guarantee she'll stay with him because he's ... nice.
Finally, whoa! "Long-term committed relationship". He doesn't mention the exact time ("a few months" pops up once), but I doubt it's even been a year. Um, LW, a long-term committed relationship is not one that takes place on a see-saw, swaying wildly out of control between the dumps and the insecurity of teetering high in the air.
A long-term committed relationship starts off on a sound footing and builds in intensity, never losing sight of the security that both partners enjoy from each other. LW, this was never what you thought you had.
LW needs to get away from her and also do some soul-searching himself. Therapy and a life-skills coach would definitely help him grow up.
Both these people have major self-esteem issues. The difference is hers drives her to self-destruction and sexual exploitation and his compels him to witness destruction and to emotional exploitation.
This guy actually had to write in for advice, *after* his gal left a party with an asshole, fucked said asshole, and let everyone know about it as it unfolded. Dude, you win the prize for biggest mope. Hands down. Here you are, getting off on being treated like shit, and you are so in denial--the gayz call it the closet--that you write Savage about being pissed about it. Even as you constantly go back for more.
This is like that "Onion" parody about the guy who bitterly complains about all those anonymous gay men who keep sucking his dick. No matter where he does, some gay guy shows up and sucks his dick, those rotten gays!
Whatever you do, letterwriter, don't stop being very, very involved in her life, Sir Denial! Oh no, not when you can get your emotional rocks off by White Knighting every third day and pretending to be other than wildly turned on by it. Sure, she blows every third guy she meets for money, or not, but she lets *you* clean her toilets on the weekends. Clearly you are the one with the special relationship to her, right? Not the guys jackhammering her daily at that "strip" bar.
Dude, get a clue: you like being treated like shit and cuckolded. You just don't want to admit it, because it scares you.
I've found those people have moved on to raw foodism. That style of cooking fascinates me but it's disturbing when those bloggers mention their problems with eating disorders at the same time they're making these obsessively intricate, tiny meals.
Now I wanna watch Fight Club again.
And LW, this time stay broken up.
I agree with Dan's advice. He can't fix her; she needs to fix herself.
While I think your advice to the LW is good, I hope you will use letters like this as an opportunity to mention that there are specific resources, including 12-step programs like SAA, available for people confronting issues like sex addiction and the associated destructive behavior.
And to anyone who says this is Fake. Enjoy your safe little world. I mean that. Every word of it rings true except for the two words "High End". But those words came from the girl, not from WTH.
I need to go calm down.
why would you do a thing
I love her enough to stay while she works her ass off on a daily basis to stay right. Now, if she stops working her ass off... then I'm gone. And she knows it.
Next, get yourself into counseling to find out why you are so attracted to majorly fucked up women. You need to find out what your issues are and deal with them.
Good luck to the both of you because you both need lots of it.
Oh, yeah, run like your hair's on fire any time she tries to drag you back under.
If LW was at the party with the aggressive guy who took her home, how did he let that happen...? Like, yeah, yeah, he can't stop her, it's her choice, but if some guy tries to take your girlfriend home you can sure as shit tackle the motherfucker.