Everything this guy needs to know is in any given episode of Intervention.

"Your batshit-insane insistence on stripping even though you clearly hate it has affected me negatively in the following ways..."
Wow man. Yeah, do yourself a favor and get the fuck out.
Dan said it absolutely perfectly for point #2. Just because someone is sex positive doesn't mean that sex can't be used inappropriately. It is not okay for asshole messes like this girlfriend to transform the distinction between healthy and unhealthy behavior into pro- or anti-sex work(er). That's just the kind of distinction we are trying to wrestle back from anti-sex conservatives.
Wow. Hope this letter is a fake, because someone who's really that fucked up is not far from a hole in the ground. If it were me I'd tell her to call a shrink - or hell, have her committed - and then run like hell. But then, the letter writer seems a bit of a glutton for punishment.
Good lord! What a mess! I wouldn't stay with a mess like that for 4 minutes, let alone the months you put in. Self destruction is so impossible to deal with. Medal of honor for you for sticking in there for so long and obviously caring a shitload for this person. Although, I think it's pretty apparent she has a thing for being degraded. Maybe she just needs to get into some kind of S&M situation where she can be degraded in a non-commercial setting, with a loving partner. Just a thought. Probably not good to try without approval from a state licensed person of some profession.

I wonder if she comes from an extremely repressed religious family?
As someone who recently has been dealing with his brother-in-laws alcoholism...including having him move in with us, paying for just about everything, going to group sessions...meeting other addicts and alcoholics...I can tell you that this behavior is something you need to divorce yourself of and run away.

I'm someone who in the past (because of his need to help others) has always seen the need to be caretaker and problem solver...and I've learned the hard cannot fix or change or cure anyone of their ills...and when you try you do them a disservice by keeping them from feeling or dealing with issues they need to deal with.

The only solution is to go against your instinct to help and walk away and tell her she needs to get her shit together and when she does you'll be there...until then...she's got to face this herself.

You cannot fix anyone but yourself. So start there.
@6: Getting this girl into an S&M relationship is an incredibly bad idea. She's so damaged she's almost bound to get taken too far in a scene and end up dead. This is the last girl I'd want to Top, thank you very much.
My first thought was that she had been sexually abused somehow when she was a child. And while it's possible to have a sex-positive, happy adulthood after going through that trauma, she ain't there yet. But whatever the reason, she needs help. Badly. And being a boyfriend does not mean being her shrink.
Wow. This one's a bomb waiting to go off. Get the hell out of the blast radius.
Remember that Far Side cartoon with the caption "Nature's way of saying "Do Not Touch""? Yeah, this.
the last word of dan's #3 says it all.
Dude, stop oppressing this woman by having opinions that she doesn't like, and needs that she might find inconvenient. This isn't about you, it's about her.

The selfishness of some people!
Assuming this is for real (I question somewhat the details & timeline for a 21 year old girl, but whatever), this is another case of Run. Point #2 and last para of #4 for extra consideration.
Has anyone thought about getting her into some sort of rehab? She sounds like she has varsity-level issues with alcohol, sex, and sex-work with some outright physical self destruction on the side. Professional - and probably residential/full-time - help is probably her safest bet.

Also, when someone says, "I hate this self-destructive pattern I keep doing, don't let me do that." You should translate that as, "I cannot be trusted to make sound decisions in my life and need major help to sort my shit out. Help me get that help. (Also, I'd like to blame you when I fuck this up.)" However, it does not mean that you are obligated to be her therapist. She needs someone with experience, training, and possibly backup to help her. This is not your skill set. You sound like a nice guy, but no matter what she says, these are not things you can stop her from doing (even if she asks), nor should she try to make you her Jiminy Cricket. Her behavior indicates a serious set of problems that need treatment that you can't provide. If you can't get her to reliably participate in that treatment voluntarily, recommend that her family become involved.

Someone who self harms and goes about escorting as part of a self-destructive agenda is at high risk for abuse, STIs, and also, due to draconian prostitution laws, prosecution.
If she is taking the risks you describe with her mental health, she may already be flirting with unsafe sex, dangerous clients, and not maintaining basic precautions to mitigate the likelihood of her being arrested.
" she was hysterically crying and begged me not to let her strip any more. She said it made her"

I hope you enjoy monitoring all aspects of her private life and *forcing* her to make the right decisions forever. This isn't about being sex-positive, when she's obviously not "positive" about her sexuality.
I think it's fake. Typical cuckold's fantasy.
Be prepared for her to pull that "If you leave me, I'll kill myself" bullshit... It seems right up her alley.
What the fuck is this guy getting out of this? Is it just that she's hot enough that he's willing to put up with the fact that she's a complete trainwreck, or does he have some kind of savior complex?

Either way, DTMFA. She obviously doesn't want to get real, professional, meaningful help and he can't make her. I'd say he needs to take a really close look at himself and why he stayed involved in this crazy shit for so long.
WTH, you need to ask yourself why you like the drama so much. You got back together with her despite knowing that she was a fucking mess. You should probably figure out why you did that.
@17 I totally agree. I'm calling fake on this one.

On her birthday a few days later, a very aggressive assholish guy that had been making fun of her friends, insulting the owners of the house we were in, and putting me down, got really aggressive sexually with her and ended up taking her home to his place.

Jeez, what a mess.

This girl needs serious psychiatric help. Help that is far above your pay grade. Some things are just best left to professionals.

Either DTMFA, or insist she begin therapy immediately as a condition of staying in a relationship with you. Insist that she stay with it for as long as it takes to work through her huge mental pile of shit she's accumulated. If she refuses for any reason, then end it. There is nothing else to be done. Any other path will only lead to more misery for both of you.
@17 - I'm willing to go out on a limb and say that the "typical" cuckold fantasy features a lot less suicide-inducing addictive behavior.

This is not the story of a man whose girlfriend (real or imagined) is a serial cheater/humiliator. This is a man whose girlfriend (likely not imagined) has severe psychological issues. He himself probably has something of a "fixer" complex as well.
She's nuts and he's a moron. I hope they start a family.
Any guys have any nice stories about dating a stripper they could share?

I feel like this letter has ruined all my dreams.
Run Like Your Hair Is On Fire
She needs major counseling, STAT. She has serious issues about sex - the whole thing about feeling "forced" to strip or to hook, when she doesn't enjoy it - basically, she's only allowing herself to have sex when she's forced. She's a trainwreck waiting to happen, and you're going to get caught in the wreckage if you don't back off. You need to tell her you can't be part of her life until she seriously gets her shit together and figures out why she has this horribly fucked-up attitude toward sex. It's supposed to be something fun, a way to show intimacy and enjoy someone else's company. It's not supposed to be a fucking nightmare.

Fake because:
a) Nobody's really as screwed up as she's described?
b) Nobody would really get drawn into her drama and think she can be helped?
c) Other (please specify)

If a or b, you're an idiot. If c, you're probably an idiot.
Seandr, I dated a stripper for about a year back when I was in my 20s. She was without a doubt the most fucked-up woman I've ever known in my life. Sorry.
So exactly how hot are these woman from the last two sllotd's that they can get away with crap like this? I thought I was decent enough, but I'm having serious trouble even negotiating a TV in the bedroom. Clearly I need to up my game.
@26: "Any guys have any nice stories about dating a stripper they could share?"

I have friends that went to "college" and grew up to be normal, fun people with kids and a husband and a successful social life. Where's the story in that, though?

First, DTMFA.

Second, every guy is entitled to one hot-mess episode in their life where they get sucked in by the hotness & find out about the mess part later. However, WTH, IF you find yourself having another relationship that involves this kind of insanity, you need to look at why you are picking the wounded birds & stop doing it.
Therapist diagnosing from afar: she has borderline personality disorder. She needs a lot of therapy and this guy needs to go watch Girl, Interrupted and steer clear.
@35 You beat me to it! I'm thinking Borderline as well. He needs to cut his losses and get the hell out of there, but I guess some people are gluttons for punishment.
Is that what sex positivity is? Dudes who like porn and strippers and strip clubs? Huh. Didn't realize. The world's full of sex positivity, yay!!!
She is sick, and needs professional care. She may be unable to seek treatment on her own at the moment. If you decide to help her, I suggest making an appointment with a therapist, preferably female, and taking her to the appointment. You can ask at the psychology department of a local university, for example. If she needs medication, she will need a psychiatrist too (or instead of a therapist, but separating medication and talk therapy is often a good idea.) Good luck.
It always amazes me the kind of shit that attractive chicks can get away with. She's using you, and you need to wise up before it costs you more than just your peace of mind.

Wow. What is this, knight in shining armor week?

Get away now. Don't answer another call from her ever. If she's bleeding from her wrists on your doorstep, call an ambulance, but don't go outside.

She is broken beyond all repair. She is poison and will destroy everything she touches.

After you have been completely free of her for three months, take yoga so you can become flexible to kick yourself in the ass - for ever taking her back after she left the party with the abusive asshole.

Get a clue and some self-respect - no amount of hotness is worth this. Wise up and move on.
LW seems like a good guy, despite his white-knight issues. And Dan got it spot on.

What's with all these letters lately where guys are dating crazy girls?
for those who are calling fake -- I've stayed in the mental hospital and met people who are that self-destructively depressed, it's really awful, but sadly, *completely* believable. Just because you've been lucky enough to avoid it doesn't mean people can't get that wrecked.

It's also extremely likely that she's refusing to engage in safety precautions (because she believes/hopes that she'll die).

She needs professional medical help. He's seriously not qualified to give her the level of help she needs, nor should he sign up to become her doctor/authority figure /whatever instead of her boyfriend. And she's seriously not ready to be a girlfriend right now. She needs to go deal with her shit and get better.

Please ask the people at the hospital (where she was committed) how to get them to help her, and then how to get out with the least amount of further damage to her and to yourself.
The only place I disagree w Dan is the "if" she's spiraling out of control. She is.

It also sounds like you're her only support system right now, which, as you've noticed, is not OK -- no person can deal with this on their own. Please get her to a place that can help, such as a psych ward, and then walk away. It's also OK to call her family and have *them* get her there.
We learned all we needed to know in the opening sentence; it just happened that he was being accurate instead of patriarchal. At least it was an original spin.
Who gives a fake if it's fuck? err, know what I mean. This isn't your typical "penthouse forum" bullshit, and the OP sounds very literate. Moreover, a real person, somewhere, is in this situation (or one very similar to it) right now and could use this advice. The circumstances are plausible. Why not treat it as real? You "fake!" screamers are worse than the period troll.
I wanted to reiterate what @29 said... looking at the letter, WTH says that this lady is "beautiful and sexy," but (assuming it wasn't edited out) there's no mention of their actual sex life together. I'd hazard a guess that the actual sex part of this relationship totally sucks - she seems to approach sex as a painful compulsion and as a way to punish herself. You could maybe even say that she hates sex. I've certainly seen people who mask a hateful, destructive, compulsive attitude towards sex with a sex-positivity shtick; it's a lot like when people use veganism or health consciousness to mask eating disorders. Anyway, like so many are saying - whatever her issues are, WTH doesn't have the responsibility or the ability to get her through it.

@32 - "So exactly how hot are these woman from the last two sllotd's that they can get away with crap like this?" - It's not always a matter of how hot the hot mess is, but rather, how much responsibility does the load bearer feel, how guilty would they feel if their partner overdosed or totally ruined their life, etc.
This isn't DTMFA situation; this is a Run Like Your Ass Is On Fire situation. I know some gullible guys are turned on by the fantasy of a hot/slutty/crazy woman but the reality is too hot mess and drama. Tell the girl she needs professional help and you are not it and go, go, go!
Today's girl seems perhaps even a bit crazier than yesterdays. I'm hoping it's a progression of increasingly crazy women week in the LOTD, if only to see what Friday brings.

LW, contact the psych ward in which she was committed, and tell them her compulsions are reasserting themselves. See if you can find a way to get her committed again upon that basis. Does she have family she's close to? Tell them she really, really needs help and put them in touch with the psych ward.

Then, break up with her once and for all. You can't save this person.
@45: WTF are you talking about?
@47: Veganism is an eating disorder.
Hey WTH,

I'm sorry, but have you set up the appointment for your therapist yet?

Having gone through "accessory to suicide" in both successful and threatened forms, (in my opinion/experience) you're already fucked. It's not your fault, but there are worse things in the world than dying. And your SO is dragging you into them.

Get help for yourself, ASAP.

It sounds a little to me that the LW might actually be a little thrilled with the idea of dating a sex-worker of some sort, which is why despite how miserable this whole mess makes him he actually refers to her as a 'high-end prostitute' like he's proud of it. This guy needs to find someone who can get her committed to the psych ward for a good long while and have a couple of sessions with a counselor himself before even talking to her again.
Use caution when approaching her family. This person is fucked up, and there's a decent chance her family (or one or two people in it) made her that way. She must have given you some clues as to who she might be close to--an aunt, sister, even a high school best friend. It's possible that Dad's an abuser and Mom's batshit crazy; it's possibly they're bad fundies who will let her 'reap what she's sown' and do nothing.

You do need help with this, but if you know little about her family, tread carefully.
There seems to be so much BS here and I don't know if it's deliberate or whether the LW is delusional (even if presumably well-intentioned).

First of all, there's a huge age difference (that would be less apparent if both were older, say even 31 vs 38). At 28, he really should be more aware about life, but he does sound quite adolescent and naïve. Especially about women.

OTOH, she's only 21, but has already retired from being an allegedly high-end prostitute and had a bf who didn't know that. Um ... if I was in a relationship with somebody who kept giving me lazy excuses as to why they were unavailable a lot, I'd be more than suspicious of what they were doing in their alleged free time.

Also ... younger than 21 and a "high-end prostitute"????? I'm sorry but, from the way he describes her, despite being beautiful and sexy, she hardly resembles a discreet, professional sex-worker - someone who would command more money. With her low self-esteem issues and alcohol abuse, she sounds more like a really cheap hooker. It's also interesting to see him mentioning more than once that she didn't need the money. Well, she had to have thrown it away on something if she doesn't have a place of her own and has to stay with "friends".

I'm wondering if he's even had any sex with her, especially as he doesn't mention it. He may think he's being the honourable good guy by not presuming to pressure her into a sexual relationship (and I get such a quasi-virginal vibe from his letter). As if that'll guarantee she'll stay with him because he's ... nice.

Finally, whoa! "Long-term committed relationship". He doesn't mention the exact time ("a few months" pops up once), but I doubt it's even been a year. Um, LW, a long-term committed relationship is not one that takes place on a see-saw, swaying wildly out of control between the dumps and the insecurity of teetering high in the air.

A long-term committed relationship starts off on a sound footing and builds in intensity, never losing sight of the security that both partners enjoy from each other. LW, this was never what you thought you had.

LW needs to get away from her and also do some soul-searching himself. Therapy and a life-skills coach would definitely help him grow up.
WTH gets ten gold stars for being supportive, forgiving, selfless, and understanding. He also looses 20 gold stars for being a doormat, for not recognizing when the problem is beyond him, for allowing himself to be used and humiliated repeatedly, and maybe even for enabling her a little bit.

Both these people have major self-esteem issues. The difference is hers drives her to self-destruction and sexual exploitation and his compels him to witness destruction and to emotional exploitation.
ha ha

This guy actually had to write in for advice, *after* his gal left a party with an asshole, fucked said asshole, and let everyone know about it as it unfolded. Dude, you win the prize for biggest mope. Hands down. Here you are, getting off on being treated like shit, and you are so in denial--the gayz call it the closet--that you write Savage about being pissed about it. Even as you constantly go back for more.

This is like that "Onion" parody about the guy who bitterly complains about all those anonymous gay men who keep sucking his dick. No matter where he does, some gay guy shows up and sucks his dick, those rotten gays!

Whatever you do, letterwriter, don't stop being very, very involved in her life, Sir Denial! Oh no, not when you can get your emotional rocks off by White Knighting every third day and pretending to be other than wildly turned on by it. Sure, she blows every third guy she meets for money, or not, but she lets *you* clean her toilets on the weekends. Clearly you are the one with the special relationship to her, right? Not the guys jackhammering her daily at that "strip" bar.

Dude, get a clue: you like being treated like shit and cuckolded. You just don't want to admit it, because it scares you.
@47: " it's a lot like when people use veganism or health consciousness to mask eating disorders."

I've found those people have moved on to raw foodism. That style of cooking fascinates me but it's disturbing when those bloggers mention their problems with eating disorders at the same time they're making these obsessively intricate, tiny meals.

Now I wanna watch Fight Club again.
The most important thing I have to say about this letter is that I've never had an Imperfect Manhattan. Sounds lovely. Will be making some this weekend.

And LW, this time stay broken up.
Fucked up people tend to attract people who think they can fix their fuckedupedness. Speaking from past experience, be advised that you can't fix someone else's fuckedupedness. If you want to have an unhappy, abusive, destructive, joyless future then stay with her. Otherwise, get the fuck as far away as you can before she sucks the last glimmer of hope from your soul.
I think it's unlikely that at 21, she's already been a high-end prostitute. I'm not going to call the letter fake though, because I think that a girl with these kinds of problems also probably lies about her past to make herself sound more interesting. It seems to me that stripping is a vicious cycle for her- she likes the attention that guys give her, but knowing that she needs to attention to feel good about herself makes her feel like a slut.

I agree with Dan's advice. He can't fix her; she needs to fix herself.
@54: Well, of course he's thrilled, it's really hot to date a sex worker. He just needs to find one that's not crazy.
Yep. Get out. But you have to be prepared for the idea that she might not make it.
I wonder how he met her.

While I think your advice to the LW is good, I hope you will use letters like this as an opportunity to mention that there are specific resources, including 12-step programs like SAA, available for people confronting issues like sex addiction and the associated destructive behavior.

@35. DING DING DING. I'm married to a Borderline and reading this sent me into a major fit of anxiety. Staying with a Borderline is brutal.

And to anyone who says this is Fake. Enjoy your safe little world. I mean that. Every word of it rings true except for the two words "High End". But those words came from the girl, not from WTH.

I need to go calm down.

@68: Since "sex addiction" is sex-negative religious propaganda bullshit, and 12-step programs are also religiously based as well as statistically ineffective, I doubt Dan would do so.
@69: DTMFA.
@69: "DING DING DING. I'm married to a Borderline and reading this sent me into a major fit of anxiety. Staying with a Borderline is brutal."

why would you do a thing
@71 & 72. Three words. I Love Her.

I love her enough to stay while she works her ass off on a daily basis to stay right. Now, if she stops working her ass off... then I'm gone. And she knows it.
JesusGodAlmighty. The "former high-end prostitute" sure seems like a case of Borderline Personality Disorder with heaping helping of sexual/physical/psychological abuse thrown in the mix. Please talk to someone at the hospital she was admitted to about getting her professional help.
Next, get yourself into counseling to find out why you are so attracted to majorly fucked up women. You need to find out what your issues are and deal with them.
Good luck to the both of you because you both need lots of it.
Oh, yeah, run like your hair's on fire any time she tries to drag you back under.

If LW was at the party with the aggressive guy who took her home, how did he let that happen...? Like, yeah, yeah, he can't stop her, it's her choice, but if some guy tries to take your girlfriend home you can sure as shit tackle the motherfucker.
i'm 0.01% as fucked up as she is, but still can't get anyone to fuck me/be my girl friend/whatever. god damnit.

Please wait...

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