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800 Maynard Ave S, Suite 200, Seattle, WA 98134
800 Maynard Ave S, Suite 200, Seattle, WA 98134
Also, letters like this make me sooooo happy to be a lesbian.
But even though many guys will take the time to ask, wouldn't things be easier if the lady just expressed what exactly she wants.
There was an episode of the "lesbian mafia" podcast where the hostess went off on hot femmy women who think they can just lay there during sex like pretty little flowers. "Not in my bed!" was I think her exact quote.
I guess not even straight dudes and lesbians are safe from selfish lovers.
*oh shit. I just revealed myself to be a total geek, didn't I? Damn engineering degree . . .
In this case Mr Hung Hottie is a tool and LW needs to grow some ovaries. Good luck to 'em both.
Mr Hung Hottie will reveal himself to be a tool if he responds to your expression of interest in orgasms by crying that he’s a terrible lover and that he’ll just go away now and stop ruining your life. If he *doesn’t* do this — if he actually perks up at the idea that sex could be Even Better — you’ve got yourself a winner. Hang on to him.
I wish I was still a lesbian. Women are insane, and they can be selfish and lazy in bed, but the kind of scenario where they neither know nor care whether you’ve come just doesn’t happen.
8.33 inches can be just a faster way of writing 8 and 1/3 inches without having to do formatting to make the "1/3" little and tidy looking. I do it all the time, and I don't even own a micrometer
And when I pointed out to them it's quite possible the girl was faking, every last one of them said," Oh no, they weren't, I can TELL, cause I can feel it and stuff."
So me opening my mouth to tell them to try A, B and C suddenly turns me into the freak who can't orgasm... that I must be a cold fish or something. THAT'S enough to make me bitter and pissed off, and think... fuck it, fine, I'll fake it.
He should hopefully find it fun and learn from it.
Also tell him, "honey, those moans and groans and squeals I've been making don't mean I've come--they just mean I'm really liking what we're doing. I want you to see and hear what it's like when I *do* have an orgasm"--and then masturbate for him (not while you're having PIV sex, just flat-out, by itself masturbation. Tell him you're putting a show on for him.
Lastly, you say he's game for a second round though he's not as hard. So make sure that you have that first orgasm (often the harder one to reach for a woman) BEFORE he has his. Make sure he's still as aroused as possible so that he has incentive to help get you off. Then you can come a second (or third or fourth or twelfth) time after he's had his orgasm.
Good luck!
Or why stop at inches? How about angstroms? Then you can be 2.1*10^9 angstroms of glory. THAT'S A LOT OF FREAKING GLORY.
Personally I'm rockin' 5.762*10^-18 pc of glory. You don't need a 10^-17 pc dick to be a good lover, baby.
Some guys (ahem) can have multiple orgasms. Yes: 2 ejaculations, 30 seconds apart.
@4
And after the second orgasm the equipment just keeps on going even though a third orgasm needs a refractory period. Of course, this is all irrelevant if one enjoys mixing it up.
Getting more uncommunicative the angrier you get in some sort of a feedback loop will probably give you issues outside the bedroom as well.
Yes, but that's because you're dating a jerk who doesn't care about pleasing you, not because you tried to say something. There was no failure of communication, please don't use that as an excuse in future situations to not say anything and frustrate yourself AND a potentially decent dude.
Instead of being bitter and faking it with guys who aren't interested in what you tell them about how you get off, perhaps it would be better to find guys who will listen to you.
And frankly, as a male-person, I sometimes get a bit tired of the very common assumption that the guy has to take the lead role and "run the fuck" (as Liszt and Easton call it in "The Ethical Slut"). Someone has to run the fuck, that is obvious, but its way fun when both partners are willing to take turns doing that.
Take the lead and fuck him sometimes! Show him how you like it... ;)
ha, thanks for the tip Functional. It might have something to do with the ginormous coffee I drank this morning.
Thanks for the info - always good to smash stereotypes. I do take the lead but then he gets really going and I don't want to burst his bubble and well, it's over before I've come. God, I sound like fucking Eeyore. I'm applying your advice! (You're welcome for the exclamation point.)
My current boyfriend sounds a lot like yours. He was (and is) awesome in many many ways, but in the first three months of our relationship he was seemingly unaware that I hadn't had an orgasm. Frustrating and disappointing. After silently waiting three months for things to improve, I took action.
One night after sex where he clearly had more fun than I did, he wrapped his arm around my shoulders as we snuggled. Without saying a word, I unwrapped his arm placed his hand between my legs, pressed his fingers on my clit and began to use his hand to masturbate myself.
His response was a very enthusiastic "Damn!" and he took over from there.
From that moment on, he has never needed additional encouragement to get me off, and has always gone the distance with oral or manual stimulation in increasingly inventive ways in order to make sure that I have as much fun as he does. In the year since that night, I have gone without an orgasm only twice.
We have talked about sex since then, and have often explored our desires and individual needs verbally as well as physically. That first night though, I never had to say a thing.
If you can't bring yourself to tell him what you want, show him instead.
@4 (and SMFWO)
What I jokingly refer to as Magic Penis Porn (the kind where a woman starts shrieking in ecstasy for no damn reason the moment a penis is within 3 inches of her vagina) is the bane of every straight females sexual life. It makes people stupid about sex. Actually, many, many things make people stupid about sex, but this makes them frustratingly unrealistic about sexual pleasure.
I love the cock, and will agree that it is often a magical sight, but it is not everything its cracked up to be. Most women need more. All women deserve more. Oral and manual come standard in a relationship, and any model that comes without either should be returned.
@4, Stop thinking with (only) your dick and consider the possibility that Just because a man is "done" doesn't mean he has to stop pleasing his partner.
A majority of women who get off do so through manipulation and oral sex, and any guy who hasn't become proficient (and hopefully giving his partner orgasms) at both of those techniques probably shouldn't be having PIV sex anyway.
I'd like to know what the women think a good ratio of fingering and oral to PIV sex is. I assume it is about 70-30 or 60-40, but please correct me if I'm wrong.
A lot of "sex education" leaves people with the mistaken impression that women don't really like PIV and that it's rare for them to come from it. I know they're trying to counter the opposite fallacy, but they're over-correcting.
SMFWO, talking with a guy about your sexual pleasure can be intimidating, but it's so worth it. Keeping quiet and wishing he'd figure things out would sour your relationship over time, so get over your embarrassment, and see what happens. If he puts you down for bringing up the topic (do it when both of you have clothes on, btw), he's not worth your time and energy. Good luck!
Interesting, and it does confirm my experience as a man. I, also, expected women not to like so much penetration-style fucking and PIV, which was fine with me because I'm not a big fan of it either (it's about #8 or 9 in my list). To my surprise, however, I met an unexpectedly high number of female sex partners who clearly enjoyed, wanted, even demanded PIV sex from me -- not an overwhelming majority, but I'd say at least 50%, perhaps more. Very few in this group were exclusively PIV-centric (though a couple were and claimed sex wasn't fun unless they also got PIV-ed), but still suprisingly (to me) many obviously wanted it.
At first I thought this had something to do with social conditioning, and even now I won't exclude that as a possible enhancing factor, but now I tend to think there are other factors at work here. Perhaps PIV is indeed not as 'naturally pervy' to women as some literature would make you believe...
I am someone who has problems coming in any new position/ by any new stimulation. And I like to make a lot of noise during sex. I tell both of that to new partners before we have sex. Because when they really try to make me come, it's too much pressure. Without pressure to come, it is more fun to explore new things.
That doesn't mean that I don't have orgasms: we roll around, we fuck, he comes or not, and I masturbate in his arms until I come if I want to come.
I don't actually like foreplay to the point of orgasm or too close to it, because then I climax before or early during PIV and I do get a bit refractory and don't enjoy the PIV as much. I need to be aroused enough to start the PIV, but that doesn't mean focused foreplay like extended oral. I don't really care for fingering at all. With some kissing and touching, about the same as what my partner needs, and then PIV, we are usually ready to climax at about the same time, and once one of us starts to climax the other usually does. So I've needed to communicate the opposite way, and let him know I don't want extended oral. Once I figured out how things worked for me, I've always stopped him at a certain point and pulled him up for PIV. Except for back in the days when we had tons of time for extended sex play with multiple acts, but we have young kids and that's not part of our repertoire right now. When it comes to having 20 minutes free after the kids are in bed, I immensely prefer PIV to anything else.
I think overly conditioning men to think they have to provide a certain amount of foreplay, or orgasms before PIV, does a disservice to some women. It's not one size fits all. We're probably wrong to assume that things are one size fits all for men too. Women probably assume that about men even more than men do about women. Education should be about the range of possibilities and preferences, and should encourage communication.
Thanks for your insight & advice.
There is really no substitute for just saying what you need like it's a normal part of the process. I can't believe how long it took me to unlearn the conditioning about how you'll hurt a man's feelings/emasculate him/be a huge turnoff/ for saying it in words. It's the Cosmo mentality and it was all over whatever sex info I absorbed as a teenager.
Besides, I love listening to women's past sexual experiences, what turned them on or didn't, what worked or didn't work -- to me, at least, it's more than a little hot.
I suppose there may be guys out there who would feel emasculated if they were told what to do ('I'm supposed to know it already', etc.), but frankly I haven't met many of them. Most men I know feel fine when the woman they're with tells them what they like.
At least in my experience, the problem is not so much the men being non-receptive as the women being shy about it -- sometimes because 'good girls don't talk about these things', sometimes because 'if I have to tell him what to do then it's not so magic/romantic', and sometimes because of the aforementioned fear of emasculating the guy. (Sometimes also because they're afraid the guy will get angry and pretentious or will blame them or have some otherwise negative reaction, so better tolerate the bad sex than risking that.)
I'm especially skeptical since the main source for this claim seems to be Mantak Chia's books, which are filled with all sorts of nonsense about spiritual energy and chakras and reference to the ancient Chinese belief that ejaculation was harmful.
I know it doesn't work that way for me. I don't make any attempt to interfere with the first orgasm. The second one happens less than a minute later and is just like the first, ejaculation included. As it happens I've seen one other guy do this on amateur porn so I'm not the only freak of nature.
I've had the opposite experience before while trying to achieve the extremely elusive multiple male orgasm. While having a rousing good time with my partner, I pulled out just before I thought I was about to orgasm in order to lengthen our sexual session. To my surprise I ejaculated, but didn't orgasm and stayed hard as a rock. I wiped myself off and went right back to it. It felt great, but it wasn't really a full orgasm. It's happened to me a few times, but I can't really control when it will.
Also, a tip for the future: any guy who jumps straight to penetration without putting his mouth on your clit/hands in your pussy is not a very good lay at all. He's letting his dick carry him through sex, and that is NOT the most important appendage... Even Ron Jeremy has stated (on an episode of Penn and Teller's Bullshit) that his mouth and fingers have gotten more women off than ever with his dick.
So paradoxically, you would probably find more sexual satisfaction with a confident small-dicked guy who is used to having to get his ladies off in alternative ways. The best sex of my life has always been with guys who had average or below-average penis size.
If she cannot even muster the nerve to open her discuss sex like someone who is 30 years old, the issue is hers. Hot dudes have options. Speak up or lose out, dearie. Men do not read minds and grown up women should not expect them to.
12, good work. You give us all hope.
24: "And when I pointed out to them it's quite possible the girl was faking, every last one of them said, 'Oh no, they weren't, I can TELL, cause I can feel it and stuff.' So me opening my mouth to tell them to try A, B and C suddenly turns me into the freak who can't orgasm... that I must be a cold fish or something. THAT'S enough to make me bitter and pissed off, and think... fuck it, fine, I'll fake it. "
Go ahead, punch yourself in the face. The world won't care.
Oh, and those guys who knew their gals climaxed, because they could feel it? Yeah, those are called involuntary vaginal contractions. And yes, guys can feel it on their dicks and/or fingers. The contractions coincide with the gal's face looking like she is having a seizure. The first time I felt the contractions and saw the "o-face" in a woman I was 15 and I thought she was dying. Nope. Just cumming. Hard. That moment is typically followed a minute or two later by a really, really stupid grin on their face, tears in their eyes, an adoring look, and a sudden desire to move in with you and talk about kids.
I have felt/seen that reaction in other women since then. Kinda cool every time, since the gals clearly feel a pretty nice orgasm. Some gals never quite got there, though, no matter what you do for them or how long you do it. And the same gal may not always get there. (Maybe that was because I simply could not turn their crank, or maybe their crank simply cannot turn at that time. Who knows?)
My point is that you sitting there all angry and bitter and blaming other people about orgasms is your issue, not your ex boyfriends' or anyone else's. Solve your problems with clear, helpful communication or live with it. But bitterly mocking your guys' prior sexual experiences and going all passive aggressive just makes you look like shit.
Juliet, are you suggesting I'm a shy hoor? The advice was great! Satisfying, helpful, until the big dick thematically showed up @68 & killed the buzz.
(DISCLAIMER: I like big friendly dicks in real life, especially when they're measured in unicorn breath & sunshine @46.)
I first heard your 'guys can tell' argument at university, over ten years ago, and being that kind of girl, I put it to the test (over the course of several years with different guys who were willingly performing the experiment). In my experience while guys can sometimes tell when I actually come (but not always - most reliably if they are 'holding still' at the moment I come), and none of them could reliably tell a fake.
Partners trust your word over what they may feel physically. Some people are more "snappy" than others. Regardless the solution is not just to assume everyone is lying to him and get angrier and more uncommunicative while changing nothing about the behavior that leaves you unsatisfied.
You'll be proud to know that I told off & dumped someone that never got me off the way I like it, despite weeks of conversations. Yep, paid attention to my big swingin' ovaries - I don't like unkind selfish people & here I am, sharing the most personal part of myself with them? Yeah, had to get over my own mistake/piss poor self esteem and seek out something much better.
Recently, I met someone who is rocks my socks on all levels. He cares a lot about ensuring I get mine and I'm ridiculously attracted to him. And we have the same sexual style, which I think has been the missing ingredient.
Juliet, your advice is still the best, and I realize, exactly what I've done with this guy. :)
Thanks again for all your comments, this thread still cracks me up.
Hope I did the exclamation points justice. :) (I still think Dan threw a couple extra in there.)