Opening up her previously monogamous relationship sure worked for her!
Whenever I feel sad about not having any kind of relationship/love life, I read a letter like this and I feel like the luckiest person in the world. Thanks, Dan.
Why wouldn't someone want to fuck this bucket of sunshine?
However much they pay you, it isn't enough.
I stopped giving a shit about half way through the second paragraph. If I want to read this much I have a copy of War and Peace.
Dan, why the long answer? Didn't you create an acronym for just this occasion?
This is a cautionary tale about not getting married young and not getting pregnant by someone with no high school diploma and no aspirations, at any age. Ick!
@ 4 - You took the words right outta my fingertips!

Good Lord, Dan... Let's hope this young lady does Every. One. of the Things. You. Tell. Her. To Do!
Don't get married when you're 21, how 'bout that?
I refuse to believe that the letter writer didn't know full well what the answer was going to be. This is a classic "Please Dan tell me to break up with my partner so I feel I have permission" letter.
@2 - No kidding! I've been feeling down about breaking off with a guy I just wasn't that into (it sucked but I figured it was totally unfair to him to keep wasting his time and money when I wasn't feeling it), but suddenly I feel a LOT better!
@1: you think non-monogamy was the problem here?
Holy crap. There is really nothing else that can be said beyond that.
GVNDB, your husband is a sleaze who doesn't care about you one whit. Get out now before you waste any more of your life with him.
Also, her Husband has an "undiagnosed learning disability"....hmm. This guy sounds like a lazy asshat, and not learning disabled, but if that is the case, their home state's Vocational Rehabilitation program and Workforce should be able to fund his diagnosis/rehabilitation to get better work. Though I support dumping his ass,
Between this writer and the linked Rumpus post earlier, Slog's words-per-thought-expressed ratio is not doing too well today.
Holy shit, what a mess. I'd almost rather read about pit bulls.
he tells me he's polyamorous

I stopped right there. It's not a condition, people.
If I had a time machine, I would go back and not read this letter.

Get OUT get OUT get OUT get OUT. Seriously, what the HELL can this person possibly be getting out of this relationship to make them stay?

Breaking up is rough. But if even half of that is not hyperbole and failing to mention your own failings, that person is STILL a worthless deadbeat. Trying to fuck 17-year-old coke addicts and no GED?! What?! Do you SERIOUSLY want to continue to be the fallback fuck for this sack of shit?
C'mon, people, do us a favor - what's the TL:DR on this?
@3, funny!

Hey, this has nothing to do with that ridiculous letter, but I'm hoping Dan readers can help me with a question I have. In the movie "Wilde," Stephen Fry shows homosexual sex with the two men facing each other.

* Is this common among gay men? Was it common in Wilde's era?
* What are they doing? Anal? How is that possible? Or are they just, uh... frottaging somehow?

Anyway, this is a non-important but serious question --- I would really like to know what is going on there. Thanks!
ctrl + alt + del

Seriously...she lost me at "Then we got married."

Jezus wept. What a fucking mess. I cannot for the life of me see any reason why GVNDB is still with this guy. But then, I cannot for the life of me figure out why she married him in the first place. This relationship was a mess before they even married.

You're young. You have very little time invested in the disaster of a marriage. Start over. Next time learn to be a little more selective before getting married again.
Holy shit, that poor baby. Why is it that fucked up people always throw an innocent into the mix?
boy am I glad I skimmed through the letter to Dan's last paragraph. That one made me very happy, though (but Prudie is on vacation until the end of August)...
@21: Watch some gay porn and find out for yourself.
This woman is living in squalor, has a total looser partner without even a high-school education, is getting serially evicted even by relatives, has strung-out addicts parading through her unstable life, is supposed to be bringing up a kid amid all this, and her concern is for the quality of her sex life? What the hell?
I had one if those headaches once and it was the scariest shit ever. The symptoms are very similar to those of a sentinel headache (pre-warning headache for an aneurism) and I was seriously concerned that I was going to die. So I can see being a little gunshy at first about getting back in the saddle. But in this entire letter, that is the only behavior that has any valid excuse other than this guy is a douchebag and a creep. DTMFA.
I hope someone calls child services on these people. I know you shouldn't take tone from a letter, but she reads pretty spun.
@14: "Also, her Husband has an "undiagnosed learning disability"....hmm. This guy sounds like a lazy asshat, and not learning disabled, but if that is the case, their home state's Vocational Rehabilitation program and Workforce should be able to fund his diagnosis/rehabilitation to get better work. Though I support dumping his ass,"

What? And put her back into the dating market? NOOOOOOOOOOO.

She loves go-nowhere losers. They belong together. And no matter how "clever" she is attempting to make herself out to be during all of this, there is something incredibly wrong with her. I'm sure she's no angel either.
@11: It's one of the more glaring problems, yes.
@20 -- The TLDR on this is that you should be enraged that this walking mess of a human being is wasting our oxygen by continuing to live.
I feel sorry for their kid. Lady, I don't give a shit about your sex life right now and neither should you. Get your child into a decent living situation, stop hanging out with teenage drug addicts, and then we can talk about how you'd like to get laid more often.
Anyone else having flashbacks to the Louisiana kitchen sink decapitation story from earlier today?

They need to come up with some means of birth control that can be implanted before puberty and not removed until the "time traveler" demonstrates that they're mentally and socially prepared to have children (which they should get classes for).

We also need a new acronym for "You're a Fucking Trainwreck, Next Letter Please".
@20: Woman married a guy with no future or interest in sex with her, decides to get into polyamory, gets pregnant, husband still uninterested in sex with her or getting a job, she moves in with dad. Dad notices her husband is a do-nothing douche, she disagrees and gets kicked out and moves in with uncle. Sex life continues being abysmal. Couple all live in filth, 5 people living in a hoarder's one bedroom apartment. Husband falls in love with a teenage runaway addict. Wife is cool with this. Husband continues loathes having sex with the wife. Wife a fucking moron.
@34: "Buuuut I loooooove hiiiiiimmmmmm and sex was good for a whole few monthssssssss"
Also, it's got to be pretty disheartening to read a letter that basically goes: "I'm a huge fan and have read every column of yours for years. In the meantime I've also made a complete and utter clusterfuck of my life, in which I have demonstrated a degree of cluelessness and self-destructiveness that can only indicate I did not understand a goddamn thing you said."
@33 - ok.
@2 God, me too.
@11 It started long before that, but opening it up made things a lot worse, yes.
Do us all a favor. Get in the shower, press your hands flat and centered against your belly with your index fingers pointing straight down, slowly slide your hands downward. Sometime after your fingers pass your balls you will have the answer to your question.

Otherwise you will have failed to find your ass with both hands in which case trouble us no more with your idiotic questions.
i second hernandez, again. he is never wrong.
@21 Oscar Wilde was a fan of intercrural sex, AKA thigh fucking. You put your legs together nice and tight, lube them up and your partner fucks between them. That's most likely what the film was showing, though anal in the missionary position is about as simple as vaginal intercourse in missionary. There's only a little bit of space between where a vagina is and where an anus is, you know.
I love how the baby is mentioned as a vague afterthought in all of this.
I think the lack of sex comes from her failure to help with chores around the house and really listen to what his needs and concerns are. And her letting him explore his sexuality with thirds will likely result in him getting a revved up sex drive, which probably dimmed because of her lack of technique and skill at lovemaking.

(Hey, isn't that the fucking bullshit tossed at guys when they are bitching about a lack of nookie and enthusiasm. Sauce for gander, sauce for goose, beezotch! Looking at you, Slog regulars.)

Too bad a kid in involved in this train wreck.
If only people would stay in school when they are young and forget all these romantic notions about marriage.
She needs to stop worrying so much about how and when she gets laid, and worry more about how she creates a stable, decent life for the kid. Step one: Lose the guy. He doesn't just suck in bed; he sucks at being a dad, he sucks at being a husband, he sucks at providing any kind of financial security, he sucks at keeping himself in shape, and most of all, he sucks at having good judgment. I mean, really...he falls in love with a 17-year-old drug skank? He's a married man with a little kid, for God's sake! What the fuck is he thinking? Where's his head? I'll tell you: In his ass.

Dump him. Your father sounds sensible; ask him to help you.
I'm glad Dan brought up the kid, because frankly, the letter was so long that I had completely forgotten about the poor tyke. Apparently so has the letter writer.

Unlike most letters of the not-enough-good-sex nature, this wasn't of the "he's completely perfect except for this one thing" variety. I don't recall her saying one nice thing about him. Other than because of the kid, I can't see why she wants to be with him. (And while kids need stable environments, sometimes divorce is a better way to provide that. My parents were fine and stable, but I hated how they fought, especially at the end. They became much friendlier to each other after they got divorced. I'd rather have parents that are happily divorced than unhappily married.) I'm inclined to agree with some of the other comments: she's just asking for permission to get a divorce.

@18 - Best response. Made me laugh. Almost as much as Dan's last sentence.
@47: "I mean, really...he falls in love with a 17-year-old drug skank?"

The only thing that the mom had to say about him was that he at one point seemed to know how to have sex with her. Her libido and baby-clock seem to have fully fleshed-out this guy, because he has zero personality when he's not fucking and jerking off. Someone needs to buy her a magic wand to fall in love with, ASAP.
This letter is amazing. "So, now my house is on fire, my baby's crying, there's bears outside—I STILL can't find my television remote. Where do you think i put it? Did our pet tiger eat it?"
Dan's advice is perfect. I would just add GVNDB aparntly has self esteem issues to put up with all this shit and should consider getting help for that.

Also "former coke addict who just still does coke" is one of the most beautiful things I have ever read.
@2 - amen..
@dan - i can see how frustrating it would be to read how hot messes like that are "long time readers".. lol.. but imagine how it feels to read that when you've actually read your column since before this girl could use something besides a sippy cup and my letter goes unanswered! lol.. :P
How do you all have such certainty this is real?
If I had a time machine, I would go back and tell both her parents and his not to get married, or at least not to have children.

This mess started long before these two idiots even met.
On further reflection, I think someone is fucking with you, Dan.

Yes, I think I'd rather believe that.
Dan left out the part about locating a nice adoption lawyer or service who will help you find a wonderful family to take care of your child. The one good thing that could come out of all this is to ensure that your child never has to suffer the consequences of your horrid choices.
Your joke on/about prudence made my day, Dan. Thanks!
I don't think the nonmonogamy comes even close to being the main issue here. It's one of many. If the letter is real.

Open relationships only work when the primary couple involved is a solid, adult, honest & communicating one. This couple is about 20 Jenga blocks short of being a solid anything. Running our of cereal could be a Huge Issue here, nevermind adding any other sexual partners to the volatile mix.

Lady letter writer: please do everything that Dan told you to. If you really read his column then take his advice. Break up with this guy now, not when the drama has gone on *Another* few years, swallow your pride, live w/ your dad, take care of the baby & yourself. I promise you it's a better call. Your question shouldn't be, how do I get better sex with this loser guy, but, how do I get a better life..?
(Whoops, 2nd paragrpah should read.."Running OUT OF cereal.." & I nag Dan about getting a copy editor! TF:DF Too Fast, Didn't Fix)
Honey...sounds like you have some self esteem issues to put up with this crap for so long...DTMFA, get your life sorted out for you and your kid, hopefully your dad will help you....its going to be tough, but it will be better for you and your child in the long run....if your daughter/son grows up watching how your husband treats you, that is what they are going to expect or be like when they grow up and get into that something you really want for your child?

Stay strong & get the hell out of there...good luck!
oh ya..and get yourself into therapy to work on your self esteem issues.
Now I'm by no means captain of Team Eugenics, but really, those are not genes we needed passed along to the next generation.
Where does she say anything about a road trip?

Either way, girl's a mess. I guess I must be lacking in compassion because that baby sounds like a candidate for late-late term abortion. Best possible outcome, baby gets adopted by a wonderful loving family. More likely option? Baby eventually gets removed by social services and bounced around foster homes and ends up a wreck just like the mother.

Not getting pregnant isn't that freaking hard. Free birth control is easy to obtain. Condoms are really easy to use. C'mon people!
Jesus fuck.

This whole letter reads like it is from a woman who has spent her entire life walking around backwards. Like... it's just a series of catastrophes that suddenly appear in front of her with no forewarning whatsoever, as if she really actually can't see where she's going.

"And then I fell off a curb! And then a sign hit me in the back of the head! And then this rude woman swore at me for running into her! Help me, Dan! How can I POSSIBLY make these things not happen to me?"

Turn around, girl. Look where the fuck you're going. Kee-rist. And once you do start walking front-ways, I strongly suggest you orient that front away from this detached loser and your trainwreck of a life up to this point.

@1 suddenlyorcas, prior to the (unilateral, nonconsensual) declaration of polyamory, the following occurred: hooking up with a high-school dropout with a "leaning disability," "post-coital migraines," bed death, moving to a strange city without plans, an ill-considered marriage, an unplanned pregnancy, a complete inability to keep a livable household, and, of course, if not cheating exactly then what sounds like a pretty substantial amount of intention and planning to cheat. All of this while they were, unspoken but by societal consensus, monogamous.

And you really think that something to do with nonmonogamy is the problem here? Are you fucking dense? You might as well say that masturbation is the problem, or that babies are the problem, or that alcohol is the problem, because those are all also things that these two have thoroughly fucked up. The problem is that GVNDB and her husband are both self-involved histrionic idiots. Your blinkered focus on one tangential issue is... telling.
Holy living fuck.

Put the kid up for adoption. You're not changing. Your beloved husband isn't changing. You can't live like this for as long as you have without it being part of your identity. Put the kid up for adoption, get everyone of reproductive age sterilized, then run wild with the greasy trailer-park soap opera.
"I'm tempted to put coke, pot, sleeping pills, booze, and baby oil in a blender and treat myself an end-it-all smoothie"

I laughed so hard it triggered an asthma attack. Thanks a lot, Dan :/
Thank you, 43. Everyone else who bothered to type out things that were Fat Smug Internet Man non-answers: wow, you sure are clever! I hope that made you feel good, because your self-image doesn't.
Let me summarize this awfull teal deer of a letter.

"Hi Dan my husband/baby-daddy is a lazy stupid good for nothing who doesn't work and won't even fuck me, but fucks everything else that walks. How can I improve our sex?"

Dan: "Give your child to your father if you're going to be such a trainwreck with zero common sense."

awful*. gah.
Letter reads like a group project titled "let's write the most amazing agony letter to a sex advice columnist, evah!"

Hey Threadjacks McButthurt, I have a suggestion for you: check out this new thing that's going around called "Google."
Yes to everything everyone said... AND the LW needs some serious counseling of her own AND if she refuses to get it and refuses to take Dan's advice to DTMFA then someone should swoop in and snatch the poor innocent kid (who at this point has zero chance of ever being normal) and give it to a loving same-sex couple.
This woman and her "circle" are just derranged.
Wow, that's just...that's a mess.
Get out. Do it for yourself and for your kid. Notice how your husband repeatedly blames all problems on you? He isn't interested, because you didn't do the housework. It doesn't sound like you agreed together that the housework that wasn't done was your job; he unilaterally decided it was and blamed you for not doing it. Then he decided it was fair to punish you for this "failure" on your part. He unilaterally decides that the relationship should be polyamorous, which you went along with. But when he can't make his relationship with the girl he is interested in work out, he blames you for that too. You are okay with him loving another woman and find the threesome hot, but when you have an issue with something, he says it is a flaw within you and finds a way to blame you. There is a common pattern here of you being blamed and him refusing to negotiate decisions with you as a partner. This is not a relationship. This is a common pattern for abuse. Abuse cane be addictive, but getting out before it starts really harming your child is important. And distance from it can help you gain perspective about it. It is very easy to lose perspective and have difficulty making good choices while within an abusive relationship, because an abuser will typically spend a lot of time undermining your confidence in your own reasoning and decision-making, telling you that you have many flaws, and you adjust to the situation and forget what it is like to not be abused. Get out. Get help. Some time after you've had a fair bit of time, distance, and hopefully counseling you can consider a relationship with someone whom you make decisions together, rather than either of you always being the one to control the relationship.
its not actually possible to travel back in time. time only moves forward, however slowly.
time does heal most wounds, however.
Shouldn't this be cross-listed under "Every Child Deserves a Mother and a Father"?
Oy. Fucking. Vey.
Yet gays marrying will ruin society.

At least more bathrooms will be kept clean.
I'm with #2 -- letters like this make me so happy I'm old and single. Thank you for that, Dan.
Please god, tell me that they gave the child up for adoption to some nice family so that at least it has a chance.
@ 66 - It's not everyone else's fault if you're off topic, not bothered to look it up on the Internet and totally devoid of imagination to figure it out by yourself, so please don't blame them for telling you so.

Now go get a life.
Now having sobered up a little from a nice hot shower can I add:

LW, I really really hope you are on a windup. I'd far rather there were people out there who get off on making this shit up than actually participating in it.

Assuming you're not then....f*ck knows where to begin to be honest. I'm going to have to assume that he has the biggest cock in the world to make the (occasional) sex with him worth all the crap you seem to put up with.

Please DTMFA and then please put the (innocent in all of this) child up for adoption. From what you've written they deserve better than to have either of you in their lives.
She's lying. She got fat.
@82: "I'm going to have to assume that he has the biggest cock in the world to make the (occasional) sex with him worth all the crap you seem to put up with."

He's unattractive, not very smart, yells at her constantly, I doubt he's very well-endowed regardless of her opinion of him as some sort of super-stud. Considering how young she got married, I doubt she's slept around enough to know better, how bad he is in comparison.
The longer this letter went on, the more convinced I was that the last sentence would be "April Fools in August!!" Seriously, it takes work to create such a convoluted mess of a letter that still captures the following requirements for SLOG-comment-bait:

- writer is a really young woman with a high sex drive and a Problem Partner (PP) who inexplicably won't fuck her enough.
- deal-breaker-level sex problems showed up early in the relationship
- PP has no job and few prospects
- why does he get off on porn instead of fucking me?
- letter writer is a complete slob
- married the PP despite consistently unsatisfactory sex life
- gets pregnant
- ooo polyamory that isn't working! that'll REALLY get 'em going!
- unnecessary involvement of way too many family members (eeek)
- hoarding!
- bizarre kink of getting off on husband telling another girl he loves her
- slutty minor with multiple drug habits who is possibly the only person on the planet more fucked up than the LW
- husband may be a drunk; can only provide satisfactory sex while drinking
- husband has gained weight (cardinal sin! extra points for it being the guy)
- in every other way, our relationship is GREAT!

The only thing that makes me think this letter is real is that there is no pit bull in the story. A true SL fan who wanted to yank our collective chains surely would've found a way to work a couple of those in.
@18, FTW.
Epic, Dan???

I call it Epic Fail.

And I thought I was going to get sick at "Then we got married".

I wouldn't blame you if you and Terry turned around and went back on vacation, just to get away from the stench of this LW's self-inflicted miserable life.

But I'll hope she puts that poor baby up for adoption. No kid deserves to grow up in that level of chaos, not to mention the everpresent drah-mah.
Okay. I seriously need to know the exact date that this woman started reading your column. How could she have been reading your column/listening to the Lovecast and still be living this life?
I'm exhausted...
@89 "haha dan's response to that loser was funny! I mean, my situation bears some similarities but it's actually TOTALLY DIFFERENT because [insert various justifications here]."

Reading advice columns and internalizing the advice in them are not necessarily the same thing.
@86, I guess you must not have any chaotic people in your life.

I'm not bullshitting, and I'm not saying anything metaphysical. There are just some people who do not have good judgement and regularly attract trouble and make bad decisions. They tend to end up in stories like this. See also: drama queens, emotional vampirism, bipolar personality disorder.

In college I knew a girl who I guess didn't feel like she was getting enough attention, so she - all around the same period of a couple weeks - claimed she had a "waking dream" where multiple gods came to her and told her she had an important destiny; had sex with another acquaintance who was transitioning from male- to female-identified and some time later changed the account to an accusation of rape once people stopped being interested in the story; badmouthed the majority of the other females in her circle of acquaintance behind their backs; and got drunk at a party and demanded of my girlfriend at the time, while in tears, "I WANT YOU TO TELL ME WHY NO ONE LIKES ME WAAAAAHHHHH."

Some people are just in-fucking-capable of steering their own lives anywhere but onto the rocks of disaster.
@28 & @34 FTW. FTmotherfuckingW.
@suddenlyorcas who are you kidding, this was never a monogamous relationship, except maybe in her mind...
Why all the hate for learning disabilities?

Imagine this: Your life is shit because you can't get a decent job. You can't get a decent job because even though people have been telling you all your life that you're brilliant, you suck at school and can't get a diploma/degree. You can't get a diploma/degree because not only would that mean paying for the school and the books, it would mean paying for diagnostic testing and tutors and learning coaches, because the office for students with disabilities at your school can't seem to do a goddamn thing to help you. You don't have the money for tests and tutors and coaches because you can't get a decent job. You can't get a decent job, so your life is shit.

See how that works?
The least, the absolute least of this woman's problems are sexual.
Please find that baby, that blameless innocent, human victim here, a better place to leave taken care of by mature adults.
@85 good point, a tiny cock would explain a lot of this.

I also wonder if perhaps home schooling (for either party) has a hand in what seems to be (assuming letter is real etc etc) a total lack of awareness of what constitutes acceptable behaviour.

Massive assumption on my part to be honest but something has clearly gone wrong with education somewhere along the line here.

Just makes me even more worried for the little one :(
@97: I'm not saying he is, i'm saying she's so sheltered and delusional that he could be the worst lover on earth and she wouldn't know the difference.
She lives in a one-bedroom apartment with three other adults and a child?! Oh my god!
how is this NOT a fake letter? Seriously.
GVNDB, you need a therapist and a social worker, not sex advice. Extract yourself from your seriously dysfunctional relationship, get you shit together (if you have to, find temporary care for your child while you do so, through family or social services), get a vibrator to take the edge off of your libido while you're sorting your shit out, and then and only then start looking at sexual/romantic relationships again. No one deserves to be dragged into your tangled web of chaos, least of all your child, and you owe hir a parent who isn't a total mess. Your dad sounds like he's looking out for you, including kicking you out as a (sadly failed) wake-up call that you need to sort your life out. Go to him for initial help. Good luck!

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