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800 Maynard Ave S, Suite 200, Seattle, WA 98134
800 Maynard Ave S, Suite 200, Seattle, WA 98134
If TD really wants to know then he can go to the reception and pour Champagne down Penelope's gullet until she talks.
I thought at first this was shaping up to be some Penthouse letters-style stuff ... "and the next thing you know, me, the gay, naked with two lesbians...."
But that never happened.
Note to self: if get more serious w/ current mate - elope..
I agree with the variation of waiting until you hear from Jean (not Betty) about whether you're still officiating before returning the suit - although I also think the suit shopping in the story was for Jean.
Getting a new officiant at the last minute might be very challenging, and add even more stress to an already over-stressed situation. Instead, I'd offer to continue in that roll if they prefer, or pass if they've found another option. Don't assume. Ask, and give them the option.
I've seen Bridezillas in full freak out mode a few times before. It is completely irrational and can be scary. I'm pretty good at just letting whatever nonsense they spew roll off me. Most brides are so stressed they have very little real memory of the actual wedding; they only remember it later by the photos and videos. She'll probably call you in a couple weeks begging your forgiveness for her freakout.
Whether that controlling attitude is caused by the upcoming wedding or merely exacerbated by it is another question.
I would say 'Betty, I know you're stressed, but there's no way I could have known this was important to you. I'm sorry that it happened, because clearly it WAS important to you, but I'm sorry, I'm not a mind reader, and with all the business surrounding your wedding, I couldn't have known this is something you wanted to do, unless you had let me know some way. I mean, Jean didn't say anything at the time, so clearly she didn't know either. I can see you're under a lot of stress and something important to you didn't go your way, but please realize you are OVERREACTING. Please sit down with Jean and talk about this. I wouldn't want an incident like this to ruin our friendship or your wedding. Let me know what you want to do about the officiant situation.'
But that's cos I don't put up with bullshit from anyone, ever.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FvfmZSdyw…
I've had a couple of people do this to me (show up with a surprise friend in tow) and I've never been amused. I actually disengaged from one friendship because of what I considered to be rude behaviour.
OTOH, Betty is acting like a Bridezilla for sure. What difference does it make if the LW's friend is introduced to the bride-to-be or the child? It's all so trivial.
@16 FTmotherfuckingW.
Shit like this makes me glad the only time I got married was when I was 20. Before I gave a damn. AHAHAHAHA! I kill myself.
The only reason I personally would ever freak out about someone usurping an introduction to my significant other would be because (a) that person is a lunatic and there needs to be some running of interference or (b) that person is someone who would likely make my significant other feel threatened. Still not cool to take it out on the innocent bystander, though. You keep that to yourself.
But Betty's stressed over the wedding, and this sort of thing happens. TD should ask Jean if he's still wanted to officiate and/or is still simply invited to the wedding. And then if so, go through what Dan said: toaster, cake, drinks, slip away.
(As an aside, though, if I was TD in this, and was basically 'disowned as a friend' over this, I'd insist on an apology from Betty -- even a coerced one, as long as it was direct and not broadcast via a third party -- before officiating the wedding. But that's just me.)
You did nothing wrong and you were disowned. These people are dead to you now.
As for this letter? If I wanted to read about Bridezila bullshit, I could read Prudence, Amy or Carolyn. WTF, Dan?
Do not apologize. Because believe me, there is more where this came from. Wedding jitters may be the reason, but they are not an excuse for this type of behavior.
Wait 48 hours, don't contact either of them. IF Betty calls you and apologizes, then officiate and continue your friendship with the two if you can stand it.
If you don't hear back - send them a slightly frosty note, with her full text message included, saying you do not wish to officiate for the wedding after the way you've been treated. KEEP IT FACTUAL, and do not diverge into drama other then the simple facts of the event and your desire not to attend or be involved in the wedding. Wish them the best in their marriage, and perhaps give them the names of a few gay-friendly clergy (or whatever) who might be willing to officiate in your stead. Don't go to the wedding. And whatever you do, DON'T RESPOND TO THE KOOK-CAPS EMAILS AND TEXTS YOU WILL RECEIVE. If there is anything an irrational and accusatory person cannot stand, it is silence. Their own mind starts to eat away at them....
This way, you've given her a chance to cool down (which she's blown), you've taken a stand and not debased yourself by groveling before a bully, and you've been a good guy by giving them time and leads to find a replacement for your role.
My suspicion is that this incident is the death-knell of your friendship with Betty, and at best you two will "lose touch." You don't owe her this. Nobody has the right to treat you like shit, not apologize, and then vilify you because you won't do something for them.
If you're really mad, have Mike Leung officiate.
I am still at a loss as to the nature of my transgression by introducing Penelope to Jean. I simply thought it would be nice for them to meet, and if you think about it you'll realize there's no way I could have known this was something objectionable to you. Quite frankly, I don't think I deserved the *very* harsh words you sent my way. I haven't heard anything else from you (or Jean) for that matter, and I'm angry that I was treated poorly and then ignored. Quite frankly, I've had it.
At your wedding, you deserve an officiant and guests who are truly honored and joyous to be present. I'm sorry, but I just don't feel that way anymore. I will not be attending or officiating. I hope you find the right person to do the job, and that your future together is a happy one.
Sincerely,
TD"
It's what everybody did in the immediate aftermath of Betty's nuclear blast that will determine the final outcome, not Betty's overreaction itself.
I was recently invited to the birthday party of a friend's aunt (in Mexico City). I had never meant the aunt. My friend invited all of his gay friends so we would inject some life into the party, and we were welcomed with open arms (even though that meant a lot more people to feed).
@42: "If you're really mad, have Mike Leung officiate."
Thank you for confirming my rationality by withholding your silence from me.
How about:
Dear Betty
I'm very sorry I hurt your feelings, I honestly just didn't think about it through your eyes. We've been good friends for a long time and I hope you consider that when I say that it was not an intentional slight.
I hope I'm still invited to your wedding and will of course have no hard feelings if you choose someone else to officiate.
Love, TD.
PS. When you get married, will your out of wedlock child still be considered a bastard?
Cut her some slack. email or text her that you didnt mean to disturb the prewedding waters and apologize. give it a couple of days and then call her and chat her up and DO NOT MENTION IT. It will turn out fine. Girls are weird that way. Then hit your knees and thank Dog you are a gay man, since gay men never have drama.
I will never understand women.
No you won't especially if you think all women are the same, feel the same things and think the same way.
So the LW is in the wrong here. But it's an understandable mistake and he didn't have malicious intent. He seems fairly apologetic, so the best he can do is keep apologizing and offer to help out, or not, in whatever way Betty wants.
Do you have a lot of friends who "disown" you periodically?
I agree with those who speculate that Penelope is somewhat more, er, "special" to Betty than Betty is letting on. Either Betty felt the need to orchestrate the meeting in order to head off anything uncomfortable about her and Penelope's history, or Betty still views Penelope as more than just your average friend, for this introduction to be so incredibly important to her.
I would suggest a letter to the effect that LW had no idea this was something that would be so important to Betty, but since Betty is so extremely angry with LW, that LW understands if it would be best if LW not be present at the wedding, to prevent any further bad feelings. Don't specifically mention the consequences of that; let her come to the realization that she just fired her officiant and has to scramble for a new one in under three weeks. Maybe the "oh, shit" moment will cut through the fog of war. And you want to avoid looking like you are saying "Oh yeah, well what are you gonna do about an officiant NOW, bitch?" Just keep it low key, and about offering to graciously bow out, not about stalking off in a huff.
Either she will issue a hasty apology and patch things up in a hurry (save any further discussion until well after the ceremony), or she won't, which will tell you everything you need to know.
Gosh, what a nice way to treat a supposedly very close friend. (/sarcasm)
The person who REALLY didn't think this through was Betty.
I get that it was an important meeting. If my sister was meeting my boyfriend for the first time, then I would want to be present. But if I couldn't be present by some chance, I wouldn't throw a mother fucking tantrum!
On the contrary, it's a sign that they've hit the mainstream and can be just as loathsomely petty as straights.