Betty is a bridezilla.
When did lesbians turn from the thoughtful guiding forces in a young homo's life to the type of drama queens 1994 me wouldnt even hang out with?
My impression was that the suit shopping was for Jean. Who cares what the officiant wears.
TD, call Betty and tell her she's being ridiculous, but you'll give her a pass because she's getting married. She's cray-cray.
I think Penelope figures into the story a little more than TD thinks. Did the baby occur before or after TD met these two? If before, then Penelope could be the baby mama or something. Either that or Penelope and Jean are closer than we know and even though TD was their chaperone, Betty doesn't trust them together.

If TD really wants to know then he can go to the reception and pour Champagne down Penelope's gullet until she talks.
Call me an asshole, but I gotta say, I'm disappointed.

I thought at first this was shaping up to be some Penthouse letters-style stuff ... "and the next thing you know, me, the gay, naked with two lesbians...."

But that never happened.

Does this signal a new sideline for Savage Love in the area of general wedding protocol questions? I kind of like the idea of something like that now and then.
If Betty's unreasonableness is out of character, cut her some slack due to the stress of the upcoming day. Drop the issue, and just ask Jean if they still want you to officiate. Get them whatever present you were going to get them, and stay at the reception as long as you are enjoying yourself. Call Betty in a few months, and see if she is back to normal. People get weird during stressful times; it's not a reason to let a long friendship end.
Betty needs a chill pill. I'd only modify Dan's good advice slightly, more like EricaP's above. *Before* you return the suit & assume you are no longer officiating, remind yourself that who knows which way the mood train will swing next. Call Jean, & check. Even apologize to Betty if you think it'll smooth things over, but you know you're not to blame here. You can give her a ribbing about it later, once she's calmer.

Note to self: if get more serious w/ current mate - elope..
Not that anybody asked, but I don't think the gay element is even a factor in this. Jean clearly overreacted. On a scale of 1 to 10 of social faux pas' this would rate a one, if that.
@5 - per the letter, this was the first time Penelope and Jean had met. it wasn't just about the baby. But ITA with dan, the person in this situation who should have known Betty would be upset about all this is Jean.

I agree with the variation of waiting until you hear from Jean (not Betty) about whether you're still officiating before returning the suit - although I also think the suit shopping in the story was for Jean.
I agree with Dan that Betty is at the peak of pre-wedding freakout, and TD is the unwitting target. I disagree about returning the suit.

Getting a new officiant at the last minute might be very challenging, and add even more stress to an already over-stressed situation. Instead, I'd offer to continue in that roll if they prefer, or pass if they've found another option. Don't assume. Ask, and give them the option.

I've seen Bridezillas in full freak out mode a few times before. It is completely irrational and can be scary. I'm pretty good at just letting whatever nonsense they spew roll off me. Most brides are so stressed they have very little real memory of the actual wedding; they only remember it later by the photos and videos. She'll probably call you in a couple weeks begging your forgiveness for her freakout.

Betty is being a rotten bitch. But she wouldn't be the first person to have temporary wedding insanity. If she is that close of a friend, be indulgent and forgiving this once, unless she has already thrown you out with the trash. If so, regretfully disengage from them both without drama and show them by example how adults behave.
I'd say this has a lot more to do with Betty's relationship with Penelope and the former not wanting Jean to get a chance of talking to Penelope before the wedding so that Jean won't learn things that Betty doesn't want her to until it's too late for Jean to back off. The baby has absolutely nothing to do with this.

Whether that controlling attitude is caused by the upcoming wedding or merely exacerbated by it is another question.
Dude, Betty is being a super huge rag over this whole thing. Tell her to stuff it. I wouldn't officiate her wedding!! Yeah, I get that people get stressed but that is ridiculous.
Bridezilla behaviour needs to be stomped on, not excused.

I would say 'Betty, I know you're stressed, but there's no way I could have known this was important to you. I'm sorry that it happened, because clearly it WAS important to you, but I'm sorry, I'm not a mind reader, and with all the business surrounding your wedding, I couldn't have known this is something you wanted to do, unless you had let me know some way. I mean, Jean didn't say anything at the time, so clearly she didn't know either. I can see you're under a lot of stress and something important to you didn't go your way, but please realize you are OVERREACTING. Please sit down with Jean and talk about this. I wouldn't want an incident like this to ruin our friendship or your wedding. Let me know what you want to do about the officiant situation.'

But that's cos I don't put up with bullshit from anyone, ever.
I kept thinking of this while reading the letter:…
I fucking hate vagina drama. Only happens with women and faggy fags. Next SL Letter of the Day better involve more testosterone.
If you don't have a suit, then you should not return it. that is if you can afford to keep it. But otherwise Dan is right.
See, this is what happens when gays and lesbians attempt to mingle.
Oh you guys, knock off the lesbo hate.
Penelope, Betty and Jean are all very pretty names in combination with each other. 10 points to Gayriffendor.
On this same afternoon I also invited Penelope to join us, it was all very last minute.
Actually, what I find disrespectful is that the LW invited a total stranger (AFA Jean is concerned) to join his shopping trip with Jean. If I'd been Jean, I would have wondered why I had to share my day with the LW's friend. What??? Did the LW only have that ONE afternoon during which he could entertain?

I've had a couple of people do this to me (show up with a surprise friend in tow) and I've never been amused. I actually disengaged from one friendship because of what I considered to be rude behaviour.

OTOH, Betty is acting like a Bridezilla for sure. What difference does it make if the LW's friend is introduced to the bride-to-be or the child? It's all so trivial.
Yeah, and everyone knows hets never have outrageously stupid drama. #getoffuslesbians

@16 FTmotherfuckingW.

Shit like this makes me glad the only time I got married was when I was 20. Before I gave a damn. AHAHAHAHA! I kill myself.
(having said that, my first reaction when I read this was, "Sheesh. Lesbians.")
If you believe in a higher power, pray to that higher power because with this crazy chick as its momma, that baby is going to endure a lifetime of hell.
I'd bet money that Penelope is Betty's ex, and Jean knows it, but no one mentioned it to the LW (who admittedly has been in the picture less time than Penelope and Betty have been friends). Jean couldn't say no to shopping with her fiancee's old friend without being weird, LW stepped in it totally accidentally, and Betty took it out on him even though he'd had no reason to believe the meeting itself would be charged.

The only reason I personally would ever freak out about someone usurping an introduction to my significant other would be because (a) that person is a lunatic and there needs to be some running of interference or (b) that person is someone who would likely make my significant other feel threatened. Still not cool to take it out on the innocent bystander, though. You keep that to yourself.
Even though Betty is being absolutely ridiculous, you should just take the high road and apologize. I disagree with posters saying you should be checking exclusively with Jean to see if they still want you to officiate; Betty is the one with the problem, Jean is just quietly weathering the storm. Treating Betty like a crazy person by refusing to communicate with her -- even though she is being totally crazy -- might only make things worse. Just tell her you had no idea how important this was to her and you're really sorry, and you don't want this to affect your friendship. Let her know that however she wants to handle the officiant situation is cool with you since it's her day. You haven't done anything wrong, but digging your heels in and becoming self-righteous at a time like this will just create more stress for everyone.
I'm with Dan on this. TD's just in the wrong place at the wrong time. If it was so important to Betty that she make a huge presentation out of Penelope's first meeting with Jean, then she should have arranged things so she could make sure such a huge presentation was handled before the two of them accidentally wandered into the same room at the same time or something.

But Betty's stressed over the wedding, and this sort of thing happens. TD should ask Jean if he's still wanted to officiate and/or is still simply invited to the wedding. And then if so, go through what Dan said: toaster, cake, drinks, slip away.

(As an aside, though, if I was TD in this, and was basically 'disowned as a friend' over this, I'd insist on an apology from Betty -- even a coerced one, as long as it was direct and not broadcast via a third party -- before officiating the wedding. But that's just me.)
I'm with @30, that kind of a freakout indicates there is likely more than meets the eye. If Penelope is actually Betty's ex (or maybe one of those "almost/kinda/there was always a tension/it's complicated" friends) it would make more sense that she'd want the introduction to happen under her watchful eye. Maybe Jean doesn't know Penelope is an ex and Betty is terrified that Penelope will let the secret loose mere days from her wedding. It would also explain Jean being confused about what the big deal is. Not that this justifies it of course, but the reaction from a stressed out bride to be makes more sense if it's not "you introduced a friend to my fiancé without me!" but "you introduced an ex my fiancé doesn't even know about without me!".
We're ignoring a really big problem here. Anyone who goes full on Bridezilla like this is too immature to get married.
Man, I thought Bridezillas were mainly young straight women. I guess it is more the gender than the age or orientation.
WTF? You're so important to this couple that you're going to officiate at their wedding, yet because of some trivial thing you are "disowned" as a friend? There are billions of people in the world. Surely you can find friends who will have your back in hard times, let alone easy times as in this letter.

You did nothing wrong and you were disowned. These people are dead to you now.
I think you meant to put the baby in the trunk, not the truck. Most cars don't have trucks, ya know.
@24 - "Penelope" has come over from Europe for the wedding, and sounds like a very old friend of the Bridezilla. It sounds like the OP was just trying to be thoughtful and include her in a quasi-wedding related event as she didn't have any other plans at the moment. Hell, I crossed the country for an old friend's wedding a decade ago (a very small one where I was invited my friend's sister was not), and they invited me to just about everything to make sure I didn't feel like I was stranded in a place I didn't know very well until the event itself.

As for this letter? If I wanted to read about Bridezila bullshit, I could read Prudence, Amy or Carolyn. WTF, Dan?
Four sentences in and I could feel a pounding headache coming on. If I were in TD's shoes, I'd frankly be breathing a sigh of relief at the thought of not having to officiate at the forthcoming nuptials.

Dan himself has referred to the higher rates of indulgent and addictive behavior among gays and lesbians. Indulgent and addictive behavior is a kind of compulsive, hoarding behavior rooted in a lack of faith in, so to speak, the eternal bounty of the universe (to not be specific to any particular religion) perhaps rooted in their deprivation of civil rights. Betty's overreaction seems related to this kind of hoarding, and I'm wondering how the major players involved may exhibit their own kinds of compulsive, hoarding behavior (since they are gay and lesbians) that Betty may feel contributed to the offense she took, but isn't articulating so well.
TD -

Do not apologize. Because believe me, there is more where this came from. Wedding jitters may be the reason, but they are not an excuse for this type of behavior.

Wait 48 hours, don't contact either of them. IF Betty calls you and apologizes, then officiate and continue your friendship with the two if you can stand it.

If you don't hear back - send them a slightly frosty note, with her full text message included, saying you do not wish to officiate for the wedding after the way you've been treated. KEEP IT FACTUAL, and do not diverge into drama other then the simple facts of the event and your desire not to attend or be involved in the wedding. Wish them the best in their marriage, and perhaps give them the names of a few gay-friendly clergy (or whatever) who might be willing to officiate in your stead. Don't go to the wedding. And whatever you do, DON'T RESPOND TO THE KOOK-CAPS EMAILS AND TEXTS YOU WILL RECEIVE. If there is anything an irrational and accusatory person cannot stand, it is silence. Their own mind starts to eat away at them....

This way, you've given her a chance to cool down (which she's blown), you've taken a stand and not debased yourself by groveling before a bully, and you've been a good guy by giving them time and leads to find a replacement for your role.

My suspicion is that this incident is the death-knell of your friendship with Betty, and at best you two will "lose touch." You don't owe her this. Nobody has the right to treat you like shit, not apologize, and then vilify you because you won't do something for them.

If you're really mad, have Mike Leung officiate.
@ 42 - "If you're really mad, have Mike Leung officiate" FTW
"Dear Betty -

I am still at a loss as to the nature of my transgression by introducing Penelope to Jean. I simply thought it would be nice for them to meet, and if you think about it you'll realize there's no way I could have known this was something objectionable to you. Quite frankly, I don't think I deserved the *very* harsh words you sent my way. I haven't heard anything else from you (or Jean) for that matter, and I'm angry that I was treated poorly and then ignored. Quite frankly, I've had it.

At your wedding, you deserve an officiant and guests who are truly honored and joyous to be present. I'm sorry, but I just don't feel that way anymore. I will not be attending or officiating. I hope you find the right person to do the job, and that your future together is a happy one.


I think TD leaves out too much at the very end there: "At this point in the drama Betty has basically disowned me as a friend. Jean has remained silent and Penelope seems just as perplexed as I am..." suggests that there has been rather a lot of back-and-forth and in-between; that TD immediately shot back a probably hot-headed response to Betty's initial text and then burned up the airwaves to Penelope and Jean sharing his hurt and bewilderment before hearing back from Betty, rather than just chilling out overnight to see how Betty evolved.

It's what everybody did in the immediate aftermath of Betty's nuclear blast that will determine the final outcome, not Betty's overreaction itself.
@ 24 - But how offensive that is (bringing a stranger along) is really culture-based. I don't know how things are in the LW's part of the world, but in Latin-American culture and most European countries I know, this wouldn't be a problem at all.

I was recently invited to the birthday party of a friend's aunt (in Mexico City). I had never meant the aunt. My friend invited all of his gay friends so we would inject some life into the party, and we were welcomed with open arms (even though that meant a lot more people to feed).
@5, if Penelope were the baby mama, then surely she would have already met the baby.
I sympathize with Betty - if a long-time friend was meeting my SO and child for the first time, I'd definitely feel cheated if I didn't get to be there. But agreed - Jean should have been the one to know that and ask that an introduction to Penelope wait until Betty is there. And Betty is overreacting and probably just wedding stressed.
@42: "If there is anything an irrational and accusatory person cannot stand, it is silence."
@42: "If you're really mad, have Mike Leung officiate."

Thank you for confirming my rationality by withholding your silence from me.
LOL @44's response is just as much a drama-queen's voice as Betty's.

How about:

Dear Betty

I'm very sorry I hurt your feelings, I honestly just didn't think about it through your eyes. We've been good friends for a long time and I hope you consider that when I say that it was not an intentional slight.

I hope I'm still invited to your wedding and will of course have no hard feelings if you choose someone else to officiate.

Love, TD.

PS. When you get married, will your out of wedlock child still be considered a bastard?
Sorry kids. I was 49 when I got married and the stress made me bridezilla more than I would have hoped for.

Cut her some slack. email or text her that you didnt mean to disturb the prewedding waters and apologize. give it a couple of days and then call her and chat her up and DO NOT MENTION IT. It will turn out fine. Girls are weird that way. Then hit your knees and thank Dog you are a gay man, since gay men never have drama.

Do you have to be gay to give a fuck about this, or is it just me?
obviously lesbians aren't ready for 'marriage'.....
"I sympathize with Betty - if a long-time friend was meeting my SO and child for the first time, I'd definitely feel cheated if I didn't get to be there."

I will never understand women.
@54 "I will never understand women."

No you won't especially if you think all women are the same, feel the same things and think the same way.
Some bridges are better off burned.
I'm gonna have to disagree here. Maybe it's cause I'm an over-emotional straight guy, not an unflappable gay guy, but I would be pissed if I were in Betty's shoes here as well. The LW should have talked to Betty about it first, rather than go behind her back to introduce her fiancee and baby to her old friend. I would have wanted to be there and introduce them myself.

So the LW is in the wrong here. But it's an understandable mistake and he didn't have malicious intent. He seems fairly apologetic, so the best he can do is keep apologizing and offer to help out, or not, in whatever way Betty wants.
Do you have a lot of friends who "disown" you periodically?
Now, wait a minute: Penelope is a friend of the Letter Writer. And Jean is also a friend of the Letter Writer. But because Penelope is also a friend of Betty, Letter Writer forfeits the ability to introduce one of his own friends to another of his own friends? Bitch be crazy. It's one thing to be disappointed that you couldn't be there. But to disown him? Bitch definitely be crazy, bridezilla-crazy.

I agree with those who speculate that Penelope is somewhat more, er, "special" to Betty than Betty is letting on. Either Betty felt the need to orchestrate the meeting in order to head off anything uncomfortable about her and Penelope's history, or Betty still views Penelope as more than just your average friend, for this introduction to be so incredibly important to her.

I would suggest a letter to the effect that LW had no idea this was something that would be so important to Betty, but since Betty is so extremely angry with LW, that LW understands if it would be best if LW not be present at the wedding, to prevent any further bad feelings. Don't specifically mention the consequences of that; let her come to the realization that she just fired her officiant and has to scramble for a new one in under three weeks. Maybe the "oh, shit" moment will cut through the fog of war. And you want to avoid looking like you are saying "Oh yeah, well what are you gonna do about an officiant NOW, bitch?" Just keep it low key, and about offering to graciously bow out, not about stalking off in a huff.

Either she will issue a hasty apology and patch things up in a hurry (save any further discussion until well after the ceremony), or she won't, which will tell you everything you need to know.
@50 FTW!
Also, Betty should think a bit about the situation from Penelope's perspective, who otherwise would be privileged to sit in her hotel room and rot until Betty's busy schedule allowed her to preside at the grand presentation. Well, okay, Penny could go out on the town and have fun by herself until then. Or Letter Writer could have gone visiting with her, as long as he took care to exclude her from the wedding proceedings. Bet that would make her feel just welcome as hell.

Gosh, what a nice way to treat a supposedly very close friend. (/sarcasm)

The person who REALLY didn't think this through was Betty.
@59: You mean, who I disown (if I'm "Betty")? No, I would probably forgive the person, not disown them, and agreed, Betty's reaction is extreme.
I don't understand the big deal people make about "introducing" the baby (quotes around that because I don't really feel like I'm "meeting" someone who's asleep, can't talk yet, and won't recognize me in an hour). Parents, I'm sorry, but most of your friends don't really care, they're just making a fuss for your benefit.
One word: Bridezilla

I get that it was an important meeting. If my sister was meeting my boyfriend for the first time, then I would want to be present. But if I couldn't be present by some chance, I wouldn't throw a mother fucking tantrum!
@45 is right. There's a lot missing between the angry text and "At this point in the drama Betty has basically disowned me as a friend." I find it really easy to imagine that the LW was offended by minor drama, and escalated to major drama.
62 has got it!
@53: "obviously lesbians aren't ready for 'marriage'....."

On the contrary, it's a sign that they've hit the mainstream and can be just as loathsomely petty as straights.
@16, Amen! All of these people saying that the LW should "take the high road" are enablers. One can "take the high road" AND let Bridezilla know that her behavior is unacceptable. People don't change behavior this screwed up by watching someone quietly demonstrate proper behavior. They change when the people around them tell them to knock it the hell off. Now, there's a diplomatic way to say that, but you absolutely have to say it.
Betty clearly needs her throat filled with cock
My personal code: If I'm not sleeping with you, not related to you or not relying on you to pay my bills, you'd better have a very good reason to raise your voice to me. I make a daily effort to treat people as pleasantly as possible, so the idea of being expected to forgive someone/rationalise away negative behaviour from uncivilised people is a dead end. If I want to be bitched at by someone who I'm not fucking of working for, I can call either one of my parents. I'm not a doormat.

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