Yow. That shit's just mean. Ya know what dude? At 26, you're still not grown up enough for a relationship.
Wow that guy sounds like a fucking dickhead. The 22 year old should run away immediately.

"You slept with girls! OMG! I can never forgive you!!" WTF?!?

It's not like he voted for McCain or something. Jesus.
I see this as a sign of progress: HMFT never grew up and came out in a situation where his relationship with his family, his personal safety -- maybe even his life -- depended on being able to pass as straight. I really wish I could have been in that same situation.

Otherwise, Dan's answer is spot on. If HMFT has so little experience with reality that he cannot understand what is still the day-to-day existence of most gay people in the US, then he really should find a boyfriend closer to his comfort level.
The 22 year old needs to kick this older guy to the curb now.
This is the LW's first serious relationship. Who doesn't fuck that shit up? LW, keep insisting that your partner be perfect, keep picking at imaginary faults, and drive the person away: "He loves me. I trust him." Yeah, that sounds right. You could only love some imaginary, fantasy boyfriend.

In your next relationship, maybe you'll accept that your partner is a human, with real failings, just like yours, and somehow you can live with those failings, and not go looking for extra trouble besides.
"I guess I want someone like me."

The boyfriend should buy the letter writer a mirror to kiss, since that seems to be what he wants. LW needs to get over himself and do some soul-searching for why this is such an issue, and/or let the poor kid go find someone a little more self-assured who won't continually harass him for his perfectly normal past.
Dang, he has to let it go. I was out as all get-out in high school but was happy to sleep with whoever would have me at any given moment, the concave along with the convex.

Like the farmer and the cowman, the Kinsey Six and Five-Plus should be (boy)friends.
Dan, it looks like HMFT is after Terry. Just sayin.
Seriously, this guy needs to get the fuck over it already. And, if he can't, if he keeps harping on this issue and acting like it's an issue at all, then his boyfriend needs to DTMFA.
I agree. The LW's boyfriend needs to get out from under that shit. If your lover makes you cry on a regular basis over fucking *crap*? Get out. Just fucking get out.

And LW? Grow the fuck up. If you're making your lover cry, on a regular basis, you have no business having a lover till you clean that shit up. I'm not saying you have to be perfect, but there's a lot of space between "not really perfect" and fucking making your lover cry on a regular basis because you're an asshole.

I have no patience for this shit. I've been there, and I'd still ream the guy out with a hot poker if I had a chance to, and it's been decades later. Stop it before he winds up hating you.
Dan, just one correction to your advice. It needs to be stronger, aka "(And Mr. 22YO? If your boyfriend doesn't knock this shit off, and knock it off now, make him go.)"

And to LW:
I'm a 26-year-old gay male who has finally decided to be in a relationship with a 22-year-old. He is my first serious boyfriend.
I don't know how many gay guys you've known (and presume that you've only had sex with guys if this is your first relationship), but that does not give you the right to prejudge what someone did before he even met you, especially if he grew up in a town where he would have stuck out if he didn't have a girlfriend (not to mention his family situation or personal safety). Having a girlfriend didn't give him cooties, so you should tell your brain to grow the fuck up to match your otherwise adult person. The "finally decided" shows that you may definitely be overthinking rather than going with what your emotions tell you to do.

Besides, your boyfriend may be having his own doubts of being in a relationship with someone your age who's never had a boyfriend before. Meet him half way by accepting his past as he should accept your lack of one.
>The only thing that keeps fucking up my brain is his past.

Then everyday in the real world must be a big surprise to you. Life isn't an oil painting. Don't just grow up, get real.
I'm surprised the angry bisexuals haven't arrived yet. Because their biphobia charges might actually be on the mark here-- despite HMFT's BF only fucking a girl twice, under duress, several years before he even met HMFT.
Watch Chasing Amy.

Watch it again.

Once more...

everybody has a past, and not all pasts ideally fit with peoples' current lives. get over it. is he 100% fine and dandy with everything about your life before you met him? have you been honest? if either answer is no, then you're an even bigger dick. stop it now.
Get over yourself! What fuckin' planet were you raised on anyway?
My husband wouldn't touch a woman with a 10-foot pole- never has, never would and never will. Cannot understand how anyone ever could. But he's never once laid any mind-trip on me for having been straight-married with two kids before we met, and he knows *damn* well that I didn't just have sex with her twice...
Get out there and find yourself a perfect Kinsey 6, and leave your boyfriend to find someone decent. He deserves way better than what you can offer him.
The question the writer really needs to ask himself: Am I 100% sure that I'm not actually a lesbian?

Because FFS...
Jesus Christ. If this guy can't handle imperfections from a partner's past (and who the fuck wasn't imperfect as a teenager?), there's no way he'll be able to handle imperfections in the here and now.

To the letter writer: you are way too old to be *that* immature. Grow up.
You bring it up when you fight? As in, you're discussing something else, and this comes out of your mouth?

"Let's go get Mexican."

"We always get Mexican, how about something else?"

"No, I really want an enchilada."

"We always do what you want, why can't we try something new?"

"Well, you can always go fuck a woman if you don't want to be with me!"
Hate needs to grow the fuck up before he ruins his own life judging others like this. Nobody will want to be around him.
Curiosity is a good thing. Experience is a good thing. He checked out the possibilities so he could see for himself. Good for him.

So maybe you aren’t curious about sex with women, or you were never sufficiently curious about sex to take whatever was easiest to hand — or maybe you were just so out you were hanging out in your local cruisy park from the age of 12.

Fine. But you should be curious about your boyfriend.

Lesson number one about love: you can’t love someone for who they aren’t. You have to love them for who they are. So love your boyfriend for being the person he is, with the past he has.
HMFT has all the hallmarks of an abusive spouse. He finds faults, can't let go of them, and brings them up at every possible opportunity, making his boybriend cry.

Seriously--how many times have we heard a woman describing her boyfriend or husband this way? Someone who is hyper-angry and hyper-jealous about things she did before they even met? And how many times does this end up with the husband or boyfriend spending years cruelly manipulating her emotions and/or beating her for her alleged infractions?

To hell with the advice to HMFT. Mind goes straight to the 22 year old boyfriend: DTMFA, and get the Hell out. Now!

And if HMFT is reading this, my advice to him is: Get thee to a therapist and stay there for the next five years or until you can control your anger and jealousy and act like an adult. Whichever comes first.
I'm going to have to play devil's advocate here. All of the above commenters are focused on what the boyfriend DID. HMFT is having a problem with what the boyfriend WAS (or pretended to BE). DID was an action. WAS (or BE) is an identity. Those are two entirely different things.

HMFT is having pre-abandonment issues, not "girls are gross" issues. He's afraid when he and his BF are in the foxhole together fighting the Good Gay Fight, the BF will one day scurry away and leave him there all alone.

Comment on that, because that is his issue.
if you are correct, @ 24, then he lied when he said "i trust him with all my heart." either way, his issues are being put on the BF instead of being dealt with appropriately.
Regardless of the sexuality of anyone involved, it's never ok for the current partner to judge the sexual past of their lover. Shit, it's really not even appropriate to ask.
Exactly the same as a guy asking his girl how many other men she's been with, and slut-shaming her for whatever she did before she met him.
LW, your boyfriend's past is NONE of your fucking business. Instead try to look on the bright side: someone else in the world is naive enough to put up with your bullshit and be your boyfriend!
@26: Ah, that's a good point. HMFT has never been in a relationship before, so he made the rookie mistake of asking about his partner's past sexual history.

Yeah, I did that too. Once, and never again. I've been with my girlfriend for almost five years now, and I have no fucking clue how many men she's fucked before me, or even how many boyfriends she's had. She is equally clueless about my past, and we both prefer it that way. There really isn't anything good that can come out of that conversation.
What I find interesting about this is that I wouldn't have guessed that a M/M couple would have this kind of issue, that's so common for VERY YOUNG M/F couples. "I only slept with 2 people before her, and she slept with 4, and now I CAN'T STOP THINKING ABOUT IT!"

Dan has said before that young gay men restart their sexual adolescence upon coming out... sounds like the LW is an average 16 year old boy.
Could be, Anastasia. BUT- very few gay men ever worry their BF's or husbands will ditch the dick and go back to pussy, and especially not HMFT. He KNOWS his BF only fucked his 'girlfriend' because he was a scared teenager, trying to not get outed for his true feelings. Which only makes his irrational behavior more reprehensible.
This is the same kind of nonsense straight guys do when they obsess over the past sexual history of their girlfriends. It is just dressed up slightly differently. It's all the same nonsense: "I can't stop thinking about it, what does it mean about my partner's character, I resent and hate the past version of my partner (and by extension, the current version as well), I bring it up all the time as a means of slut shaming."

That is just bullshit. It is good that you realize the problem might be with you. It is in fact with you. See if you can get some therapy to turn you into a healthy person. Otherwise in five years you will be writing a similar letter:

"Dear Dan, I love my new boyfriend so much. I just can't get over the fact that he has so many more men in his past than me. He came out in Junior High and slept with at least (I can't get him to tell me the real number) five guys in High School. Then he became a club kid and claims he doesn't even know how many guys he had sex with in the next five years. It is tearing me apart. All I can think of is what a slut he was. I had my first relationship at 26 and now at 31 he is only the second guy I have had serious relationship with and the sixth I have had sex with. How do I get over his past?"
To the 22YO: DTMFA!
I'm a bi guy married to a gay guy. He was very worried when we started dating that I would ditch him for a woman. After all, I had been married to one. I had to reassure/threaten? him that if I ended our relationship, it would be because of his failings or our mutual incompatibility, not because I wanted to play with some boobies. It took him a while but he got it.

That was 8 years ago. It sunk in eventually. We're pretty settled. Got the little girl's 2nd birthday this weekend, and our 6th wedding anniversary in a couple weeks.

Listen, LW. Stop torturing this great guy. Get over it, once and for all. FFS, it's not a big deal. What exactly are you projecting? If you seriously can't (and you'll regret this later, trust me) then let him go, so he can find and be with someone who he can be happy with.

Also, I hear they cloned mammals a few years ago. If you want someone just like you, how about you clone yourself?
My boyfriend has had the same experience. He's slept with girls, dated them. I hadn't.

It bugged me, but I can't do anything about it.

It's the past.

Now if he was still thinking about sleeping with girls that's a whole different story.

But relax dude, he's into you. What happened, happened.

I am going to have to go against the general trend here, although I share the same conclusion. The 22YO needs to DTMFA.

But at the same time, while I don't understand what the big fucking deal is with the fact that the boyfriend once slept with a girl in order to pass in high school, I don't agree with those who say it isn't any of his business or that he just shouldn't care.

The idea that the relationship past of someone we are currently involved with isn't our business just isn't so. If we were talking about someone who had a history of abuse we would not be telling this guy that his boyfriend's abusive past isn't his business because it is in the past. We would be telling him to run for the hills.

Now of course these things aren't the same, but the idea that we just shouldn't care about the past of our romantic partners is not realistic.

And if this is what this guy wants, someone who has the same exact background as he does and has never hidden his sexuality for any reason, that is his right.

It will make it much harder for him to find someone, certainly. And in a practical sense, if he wants to have a reasonable number of chances to meet compatible people, he would do well to do something about his expectations in this regard. But if he doesn't want to and is willing to accept the consequences of that then that is his right.

I think that in relationships we should have the freedom to discriminate as much as we want. It may be detrimental to our success, but if there is something you don't want in a partner... really don't want... then it isn't going to work to force yourself to be with someone who you don't really want to be with for what ever reason.

So while I think this guy is going to have a much harder time finding someone who meets his criteria, still, more power to him in finding the guy who does.

No, the problem isn't that he is being so discriminating in what he wants and has such an issue with his boyfriends past. The problem is that if this thing is a problem for him then he should have asked about it up front, and if what he found he didn't like he shouldn't have gotten involved with him in the first place.

And if he is going to get involved anyway then bringing it up and making the boyfriend cry about it every time they have an argument is just a scummy thing to do.

Where this guy is an asshole is for getting involved with someone who doesn't meet his own criteria for what he wants, and then making the other guy feel bad about it every chance he gets. That is a rotten thing to do.

If you don't want to date someone who has slept with a girl in the past, then fine. But then don't date someone who has slept with a girl in the past. And if you do don't try to make them feel bad about something they can't change now even if they wanted to.

That's what makes this guy an ass, and that is why, in the end, the 22YO needs to DTMFA!
Yeah, I'm gonna have to chime in agreement with most everyone else (well, I don't HAVE to, but still): the past is the past, and it can't change; if you can't deal with someone's past, then you won't be able to sustain a relationship with them. The thing that can change, though, is how we relate to and reflect on our pasts, and I wonder if maybe that's what HMFT wants: for his boyfriend to apologize and repudiate, to hate himself for things he's done. Perhaps HMFT could reasonably expect his boyfriend to ask for forgiveness had he done something truly wrong - maybe someone who, I don't know, commits a cold-blooded murder should have to essentially ask forgiveness of everyone they're close with for the rest of their life. But, HMFT's boyfriend didn't commit a cold-blooded murder - he had sex with a girl.
@15 YES!

Also, see Six Feet Under where Keith had been with tons of girls before he came out as gay. And, it's an issue that becomes a non-issue.

Also, if it continues to be an issue for you to the point you keep bringing it up and up and up, I hope your bf will DTMFA because his high school sexuality should not be of your concern. Not all gays were born with cocks in their mouth and rainbows adorning their school hallways.
Nice change of pace to get a letter from the MF side of DTMFA.
@25 --- He has no idea how his heart feels. He's too busy trying to hang on to his first love AND understand his anxiety. That's quite a burden.

@29 --- That's exactly it. He's afraid when the going gets tough, the BF will go all "scared teenager" on him (even if they're in the 50's or something) and leave him there all alone. That was my foxhole analogy (do people no longer know what a foxhole is all about?). Okay, make it a train being loaded-up for the concentration camps...he's afraid the BF is going to grab a random fraulein (and a gentile one at that, to complete the analogy) and say "Me? I don't belong on that long fagots!" because he went pussy diving before under similar circumstances.
Seriously? You resent him for being scared as a teenager by all the social pressures heaped on him by an uncaring, bigoted populace?

They were on him for his sexuality, that he wasn't straight enough. Now here you are, on him for his sexuality, for not being gay enough. That basically makes you one of THEM.

I had no idea this was an issue for (some) gay people. I know that homophobic straights might get upset about a partner's past experience with someone of the same sex, but for gay people? Really? It's somehow a shock that your partner might have "experimented"? Tried to see if maybe they could take the easier and often safer path of "being" straight?

My recent ex (male) and I (female) were together for over 7 years. I'm sure he's told me the names of more than one of the men he'd slept with and it's likely I even know some of them, but I can't remember who. They weren't significant relationships for him so we didn't talk about them much. The hardest part about knowing this history is that the one man I can specifically remember that he slept with, I'm not supposed to mention in public. They were not public with the fact that they'd slept together, for whatever reason--I didn't ask--so I have to remember to filter that information. It's hard to filter information that is as insignificant as that. It's like keeping a secret that your ex once had a pet fish.
@38 yeah, but... those are his issues. He needs to deal with them himself, like an adult. There are many reasons why his BF might not be there in the foxhole with him (or on the train to Auschwitz to use your hyperbolic-let-us-hope-that-doesn't-happen-in-our-lifetime-example). Growing apart and breaking up for other reasons is the most obvious, but BF might also get hit by a car. Or get incurable cancer. Eventually, we all risk being alone in our foxholes, and there's no damn protection against that. But you can certainly guarantee being alone in your foxhole, if you make yourself a hateful fuck. And that's what it seems the LW is doing. Taking control of his life (and his fear of abandonment) by driving his BF away. There are better ways of dealing with one's issues.
I don't believe the LW has the maturity to be in an actual "serious relationship" if the one he's currently in is something he simply decided to have; that's like saying he decided to order lasagna. If he's so into his boyfriend why isn't he saying he fell in love with him, or they dated for a while and the emotional connection was as powerful as the physical, or whatever? I have a relationship with a fourteen-year-old Saturn; I fell in love with him twelve years ago and it's been great. I never asked him (his name is Streak, by the way) who he drove with before we met, and I never will. He responds to my touch on his wheel, when we're on the road he cradles my ass so sweetly I almost can't get enough, and when we get back to our own little garage he always sighs and ticks a little before he nods off. He's so cute, and so sweet NOW that all I need to know about his past is that it's over. Maybe his past was what made him so sweet and so cute NOW directly; maybe it made him this way indirectly. Doesn't matter. He's cute and sweet and just right for me right NOW. Letter writer needs to get a grip or get therapy but I'd say therapy would make everyone involved a lot happier a lot faster. And if I were the BF, my ass would be out of there.
Here's how you get over this: get clear on the fact that HE HAS DONE NOTHING WRONG.

Step 1) Get a pad of paper, and write lines, 100 of each of the following:
-- There is nothing wrong with sleeping with girls
-- There is nothing wrong with experimenting in your youth
-- There is nothing wrong with attempting to pass camouflaged in order to survive a hostile situation.

Write a two-page essay on that last one, too, so you can wrap your head around the fact that the fault in that situation lies squarely with the abuser(s), not the person trying to survive the abuse. In fact, if refusing to stand for abuse is the only honorable course of action, your own rules dictate that he should have dumped your ass several fights ago.

Step 2) when you feel a fight coming on, get out the roll of duct tape and tape your mouth shut, because you can't be trusted to hold back from uttering the same cheap shots in the heat of the moment. Then get out the pad of paper from Step 1 and conduct your argument on it. Hopefully the act of writing down your words will allow you enough time to realize which of them are valid points, and which are that same stupid argument yet again, and you can wad up the sheet containing the latter instead of handing them over.

Personally, though, I think the most effective way to get over it would be for your 22-yr-old to DTMFA. You desperately need to learn that mistreating your partner is not acceptable. But most likely you aren't going to stop until several of them make you.
LW should hate himself for this. /What the fuck./ Such a douche.
First of all to all the commenters who have overused the phrases "grow up", "DTMFA": Please GO POUND SAND and SUCK YOUR MOTHER'S ASSHOLES!!!

To HMFT: Please stop treating your boyfriend badly for his sexual past. My husband and I are celebrating 26 years together this year. He's 9 years older than I and I'm in my 40s. He slept with women before he came out. He's not proud of it, doesn't look back on it fondly, and did it because he grew up thinking that was what he was supposed to do. I'm like you. I never soiled my body or gave into societal rape by being with a female. I wasn't bothered by my husband's sexual past because he made it clear it was in the past and it meant nothing to him. Now had he told me otherwise and/or had baggage as a result of his past, things would likely be different today. I suspect that if you're throwing his past back in his face and it hurts him it's because you both are not making it clear as to what that past really means to each of you (but especially to him). If this is a relatively young relationship, then talk this out clearly, now, before it's too late. If you and he really do love each other, then you owe it to him to give him the benefit of the doubt. You say you trust him with all your heart--then trust him if he tells you his sexual past with females means nothing to him now.
HMFT reminds me of the Prodigal Son's Good Brother or the Virgin Bride who explodes when her non-virgin friends wear white to their own weddings.

HMFT, you may want validation for your own purity. Fine. I award you the Lavendar Star, an honour accorded to only the sixiest of Kinsey Sixes. I shall go so far as to say that, if there were no people like you, the people who hate us all would have a powerful weapon in their arsenal.

You have done what very few are able to do. Some don't find themselves so quickly as you did. Some yield to curiosity, or go through a genuine phase. For the unluckiest, a genuine threat to safety or life exists. And yes, some just choose a convenient lie.

It is not outside the realm of possibility that your boyfriend has always habitually told lies of considerable magnitude as a way around minor annoyances. That is just about the worst case scenario. Or he could have faced genuine peril. You can't really find out, but it's prudent to err on the side of safety, and gracious not to press too hard in this area.

But you make him cry? After the first time, you should have been far more eager to rip out your tongue than to repeat the incident. Stop it yesterday. Get whatever help you must, but STOP IT YESTERDAY or the Lavendar Star will self-destruct because you hurt its heart terribly.

And in future, make sure you know going in whether this is really a dealbreaker. If it is, be up front with it and accept with grace that many otherwise compatible people won't be able or willing to cope with it.
You must let it go, or let him go.

His past is his past. He cannot undo or change the past. There is nothing he can do to fix this. You must accept it or not. Your choice. This is entirely on you.

If it is any help…

1) You've heard of the Kinsey scale, right? Please tell me you have. You understand that there is a whole range of sexuality, and not all gay guys are 100% gay. I am a perfect Kinsey 6 (100% gay). My boyfriend of over 20 years is more like a 4 or 5. He's mostly gay, but has leanings toward being bi. He mostly digs guys, but his head will occasionally turn for a woman. That has not stopped us from having a healthy relationship since you were in diapers.

2) Even if your BF is a perfect Kinsey 6, 100% gay, it is ridiculously common for gay teenage boys to sleep with a girl to pass. With very few exceptions, there is still huge social pressure to play that roll. Or maybe he was just curious, and wanted to see if he really was gay. Now he's tried it, and he knows what he likes: you.

You are insane and cruel to judge him for his past teenage experimentations. Stop it now, or let him go.
@45 Mark in Colorado: "I'm like you. I never soiled my body ... by being with a female."

God, I hope you are trying to be all, like, hip and ironic.
On the off chance that this is actually about LW feeling insecure that his boyfriend might switch teams again and leave him for a girl: dude, be clear that right now he is perfectly capable of leaving you for another guy -- one who doesn't regularly drive him to tears over complete bullshit.
@33: "Now if he was still thinking about sleeping with girls that's a whole different story. "

Need to define "thinking about." If by "thinking about" you mean "intending to go through with it" then yes, there is a problem there. (assuming you are monogamous)

On the other hand, if you mean "still possessed of the same sort of attraction to them as previously" then the problem is in your head. Having an attraction to women in the past, and continuing to be attracted to them in the present, is not functionally different than continuing to be attracted to men. I assume you believe he hasn't lost the attraction to (other) men, and that doesn't seem to be a big deal to you.

Either you are monogamous or you aren't. If you are, then the operative number is "one" and the sex of anybody else on the planet is irrelevant. If you aren't monogamous, the difference between being potentially attracted to any of three billion people of one sex, or to any of six billion people of either sex, is largely academic.

People who want the free pass because they claim women and men are such a different experience just want the damn free pass. PEOPLE are so very different. My wife is nothing like my past girlfriends.
@49 --- Haven't you ever read/heard/seen straight women who discover their husbands like cock? They always say the same thing: "If it was another woman I'd at least know how to fight to keep him, but not against another man." Well, this is the exact same thing with different genders.

He's afraid he can't compete with some esoteric magic pussy power lurking latently in the BF's subconscious recesses, just waiting... and waiting.... for the BF to panic and catch the next bus to 'ginatown.

I'm not giving him a pass, though. He has a serious issue, but it's not as silly as "cooties" like all the other commenters here seem to think.
@48 thank you.
Mr Avast - I'll agree that bisexual people aren't inherently less monogamous than monosexual people. And if that were the only reason any monosexual people preferred relationships (which occasionally left the bedroom) with their own kind only, you'd be entirely correct.

I do think, though, that the experience of a bisexual partner is so widely different for a K0 than for a K6 that it's extraordinarily difficult for one extreme to feel attuned to what the experience is like for the other.
@51, "esoteric magic pussy power" - I like it. And my head is going to explode trying to work it into casual conversation.
I think that if you want to be in a relationship you can't expect the other person to be perfect. If the worst he did was go through a phase of sexual confusion in a society that is often hostile to lgbt people, then he hasn't done anything bad enough to get dumped for his past. It reminds me of those insecure guys who write in wanting to dump their girlfriends b/c she has a promiscuous past. People make mistakes. Like Dan always says, if you dump someone over something that's pretty much harmless ( like the honest foot fetishest, for example), then you are likely to find the dishonest necrophiliac. People that have no past mistakes are usually liars not saints. Just be glad he told you about his mistakes and forgive his past, ok?
@51 I love the idea that people pretend to be gay for some socially acceptable reason. Most married cockhounds are married because it is socially acceptable, expected of them, and a mask for their unacceptable hetero side. Most wives with husbands who have admitted to past homo excursions fear that the gay will come out because the guy won't be able to contain his lies anymore. Have we come far enough in society where it is now more integrating and socially acceptable to be gay than straight? Or at least better enough for gays to be suspected of being liars for some reason.

It warms my heart in a really good way.
Hey, Dan,

Did you not capitalize Milk for any particular reason? Or is it just an oversight?
You're an asshole. Stop torturing the poor guy.
9 & 19 FTW
Am speechless at @45. The fuck.
@51: Monogamy with a free pass for the non-competing/non-threatening gender isn't actually monogamy.

As far as that goes, people react both ways. In the case of a married man wanting extramarital male action, some women say, "At least when it's another guy, I know he isn't trying to replace me." Other women in the exact same situation say "Another woman I can understand, and compete with, but another man just makes me think maybe he doesn't want women (and therefore me) in the first place." Same situation, opposite reactions.

Yes, I see that Letter Writer is having the equivalent of the second reaction.

And then there is the third reaction, which is "What part of 'forsaking all others' did you not understand?"
I'm still trying to figure out how a "proud gay man" is in his first relationship at age 26. Even guys who aren't into the whole relationship thing usually have dated *someone* by that age.
I doubt it's a coincidence that HMFT hasn't been in a serious relationship before. This sounds like sabotage, and it's something a therapist should deal with -- not a boyfriend.
Don't just let it go, APOLOGIZE.
Am I the only guy who'd be disappointed if my boyfriend hadn't had sex with a woman?
Yeah, let it go. And if you can't, get therapy. This is your issue, not his.
Mr Seven - That's an interesting point; I suppose one could look on having done so as indicative of displaying serious GGG.

Our LW is handling it disgracefully, and comments about his capacity for a relationship are spot on. This is not the way to handle disappointment over lack of affirmation.

Mr Avast - It does seem reasonable to suppose that the relationship is monogamous, but, if it weren't, how would that change the variables?
@26, 27 & 40:

I just want to add another MEEE TOOO to your point about not getting into someone's sexual history. In my experience, a deep need to know extensive details of sexual history is a sure sign of major insecurity - and that is why you see this in straight and homo couples - it's not really about orientation. I'm a basically straight guy but a hetero-flexible kinkster who had some same-sex experiences which didn't traumatize me or start me down the path from straight to gay.

I got dumped by an insecure girlfriend who found out about that past by snooping. The thing is: it's not about the sex, this was a pattern of every aspect of our relationship...a need to know a lot of gory detail about all aspects of my relationship history. Of course, it didn't help that she was a lousy lay - I had let her know that we weren't connecting sexually the way I wanted to - I'm guessing that was the source of some of the anxiety. So much easier to blame it on my lack of disclosure about my sexual past and run away.

I think folks are harshing on LW too much - it is his first relatioship outing and he at least recognizes he's got an issue - it's not like he's in denial. That said, if the 22yo is reading this, don't invest too much emotionally in this guy; it hurts like hell when they run away from you like you're a leper - even if it is because of their own insecurities.
In general, I think if you're insecure and/or jealous, one of the best ways to deal with the realities of a partner's sexual past, is to say to yourself: "yeah, but look how much experience ----------- has had and s/he chose ME."
I agree with everyone who is saying the the lw is immature, and I am having a difficult time with the misogyny inherent in both his reaction and that of #45.
I understand the fears someone can have of being left for a partner of the opposite gender, but I also see avast2006's point that @61 made.
But can't the lw just say to himself: "he could have anyone else, male or female, and he chose *me*--aren't I lucky?"
#20 and #39 FTW. What is wrong with you, you ask? I dunno, maybe you have some intense fear of having sex with women and can't believe the guy that you LOVE and TRUST did something that you really hate. You obviously have a serious block with this and you need to figure out why this bothers you so much, i.e. get therapy. In the meantime, just stop bringing it up in every fight you have. Now. And apologize. It's just really really wrong and unfair of you (if you haven't gotten that message by now) to do this to your bf. If you can't/refuse to get over this, do him a favour and break up with him or just tell him to dump your MF ass already. And make clear that you're doing it because the problem is with YOU, not him.
@68 - if you were having bad sex together, then presumably that's a large part of why you broke up. It's odd that you blame it on her running away from your sexual past, rather than both of you realizing you weren't able to connect sexually the way you wanted to.
Sex under duress? I get what you're saying. I know you were a kid. I was a kid too, once. I didn't have sex with anyone despite weird pressure and great desire to have sex with someone! Maybe a little agency/ownership on your part is in order. Also, with it a little (better late then never) respect for the people you had sex with.
You have to have sex with (a) girl(s) in high school or people will think you're gay?

As a straight nerd who didn't start getting laid until several years after *college*, this gives me a whole new perspective on how people may have perceived me. Especially after I participated in that gay rights rally when I was in college. I'm just as glad I didn't realize it, as I couldn't have gotten laid to save my life (and I mean that quite literally) even if I had known.
22 YO has clearly chosen teams, chosen you over sleeping with women. Go figure, he's GAY, just like you! Just because he was physically capable of sleeping with women - ahem, twice - doesn't mean he enjoyed it or that he would ever seek it out. All evidence points to the contrary.

You need to apologize profusely to your boyfriend ASAP because your hounding him about something he did under duress in high school - HIGH SCHOOL - is fucking immature and pathetic. Also, do you think your bf is the only one who shares this experience? A good half of every guy I've been with has tried a girl or two on for size before coming out. It's part of growing up, something you clearly have yet to do. Try it sometime!
@48 seconded thank you.

@45 - "soiled" your body"..? "societal rape"? FFS! I'm glad you & your husband got past your issues w/ his experimentation, but way to be misogynist. WTF. It's terrible that there are still parts of the country where gay youth face being bullied & other bigotry, but you have your nice hubbie now. No need to woman-bash to make your point.

LW/HMFT: It's okay to feel threatened. It's okay to ask your partner (respectfully) about their past, if it comes up & it's not the Inquisition. It is 100% NOT OKAY to judge them, berate them or MAKE THEM CRY for things they did before you. As long as they are being true to you, why should it matter..?

You sound like A - you're not really ready for an adult relationship, & should maybe just have some casual fun while sorting yourself out or B. you need to take out a personal ad to find someone who's never, ever slept with women. Most of my gay guy pals have.

I have another friend who's actually bi, has been w/ both men & women, but his husband is hella threatened by that. They've worked through it, but my friend identifies solely as gay for that reason.
@71 Well, when someone leaves without a word or a note or an explanation after nearly two years, I call it running away. When the proximate cause is reading some things about my sexual history - what I found out after many attempts at contact - I'd call that the cause. Sure, there were other relationship problems, and yes, it was largely about lack of sexual connection - but the "you're so scary" provided the fig leaf.
@76 I can see that it would be distressing to have someone leave abruptly like that. Hopefully you have come to see that in the end, you're better off free to find someone with whom you are more compatible.
Ms Hopkins - Well phrased. It reminded me of what one sometimes heard from the WMFB crowd the other way around. In fairness, though, one has sometimes had to use imagery that forceful to convince people that, no, really, not everyone is bi-capable.

With so many near-apologists about, though, it's made me wonder how much pressure one ought to be able to resist in that situation, even if just from the viewpoint of moral appeal. Where's the tipping point when yielding to the pressure becomes no longer the least bad of evil choices but more a potential sign of weak character?
@77 - Yes, in fact, finding someone(s) more compatible afterwards was immensely helpful in achieving some "closure" and "moving on", largely because it helped me gain perspective on how not-good things were, and how much effort was being put into achieving a not-good result. Moreover, it opened my eyes to the reality that the bad sex was in many respects yet another symptom of a fundamental lack of connection/communication.

Yes, in hindsight, I do blame her insecurity - she's the one who is a commitment-phobe with a string of 18-20 monthers (like me) in her wake; I'm the one with the amicable divorce following a 14 year marriage.

It is like the old cliche about affairs: they are not really about the sex, and they don't cause the relationship to break down; the relationship breaks down and causes the affair.
@32 Exactly.

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