Mark Driscoll on Masturbation

Comments

it's not safe to click on 'mandate' at work, is it?

scary tyler moore on October 12, 2011 at 11:16 AM

Masturbating while staring at yourself in the mirror? I had no idea that was even a thing. Very interesting imagination you have there buddy.

prompt on October 12, 2011 at 11:17 AM

So, ALL men are at least a little bit gay??

bpinsea on October 12, 2011 at 11:17 AM

It's actually just the Wikipedia page! SFW! (Sample cover shot shows only a guy in a Speedo.)

David Schmader on October 12, 2011 at 11:17 AM

He's either a closet case, or he's trying to pressure women into putting out more because, gosh, they wouldn't want to force their men into having gay solo sex, would they?

seandr on October 12, 2011 at 11:20 AM

@2 - The first draft of the booklet went on for forty pages, detailing all the ways a guy could accidentally be gay. There were diagrams.

MacCrocodile on October 12, 2011 at 11:27 AM

Whelp, turns out I'm really really gay. Thanks Mark.

Asparagus! on October 12, 2011 at 11:28 AM

Have you seen the film Higher Ground, David? If not, you really should for a few reasons. One, Vera Farmiga gives a sensational, Oscar-worthy performance. Two, there are some humorous but also earnest scenes involving Christian men and women discussing sex rather sensibly. It is great.

Bub on October 12, 2011 at 11:28 AM

Truly amazing. What if you stand in front of the mirror and flex your pecs for hours on end? Because you KNOW Driscoll's doing that.

Fnarf on October 12, 2011 at 11:30 AM

Chapter 1: "God basically called his people tramps for lifting up their shirts like it was Mardi Gras and chasing men with huge penises and semen emissions like fire hoses."

TheMisanthrope on October 12, 2011 at 11:36 AM

8: Not yet, but just yesterday I was thinking again that I need to see it before it leaves theaters. It sounds right up my alley.

David Schmader on October 12, 2011 at 11:37 AM

Sometimes I think that these preacher-types must spend more time thinking about gay sex than all but the horniest of gay men. Granted, sometimes that's because they are actually really horny closeted gay men.

Hernandez on October 12, 2011 at 11:37 AM

Always eager to get the last word in, Mark's closing section of Porn-Again Christian is directed at regular manly men AND fighting manly men:

(SFW)

http://i55.tinypic.com/4qsuiv.png

David K on October 12, 2011 at 11:38 AM

People listen to this bozo? What a schmuck.

Vince on October 12, 2011 at 11:43 AM

@5: Well, he once implied that Ted Haggard strayed because his wife didn't make herself sexy enough...so yeah, that's pretty much exactly what he's saying.

Orv on October 12, 2011 at 11:43 AM

In all my years of experience, I have never once masturbated while staring at myself in the mirror. Ergo, I am not a total narcissist (Mark, honeypie, narcissists are not necessarily homersexshuls...you can calm down and go back to making love to your own image).

Geni on October 12, 2011 at 11:56 AM

This is bad news for Buffalo Bill.

Agent Michael Scarn on October 12, 2011 at 11:58 AM

Scene: The Driscoll boudoir.

Pastor: Let's make love.
Wife: Sorry, just not feeling it tonight.
Pastor: OK, let me just rub one out next to you.
Wife: Ewww, really not feeling it. I'm going downstairs.
Pastor: !!??!!!! Wait for me, honey!

Que Yakkity Sax soundtrack while the good Pastor follows his wife from room to room with an old gym sock...

Action Slacks on October 12, 2011 at 12:03 PM

yet his flock keeps growing. one suspects they don't really pay much attention to the fine print and are there for the light show.

Max Solomon on October 12, 2011 at 12:04 PM

That's exactly the point of view my friends and I had when we were 10 years old. Masturbation is gay, even though we were all doing it. I think we can be excused for being dumb kids who didn't know better. That guy is an adult. What's his excuse?

sirkowski on October 12, 2011 at 12:05 PM

@11...it's gone.. i mean unless you want to travel down to tacoma to see it...and also...
i always suspected that there were WAY more gay men then the official estimates . and most of the new ones are holed up in bible schools waiting to be scooped up by us recruiters..YAY-yuh !

reverend dr dj riz on October 12, 2011 at 12:08 PM

I've seen plenty of ostensibly "straight" guys eyeball fucking themselves in the mirrors at the gym.

Original Andrew on October 12, 2011 at 12:14 PM

Oh and can we just reality check that straight men are paying this krazee fucker tons of their doe-rey-mi to tell them that they're homos when they jack off? Just when you think the locals can't go even more insane...

Original Andrew on October 12, 2011 at 12:25 PM

Are you talking about this guy? http://mytwocents.files.wordpress.com/20… He's not the least bit gay....

Rob in Baltimore on October 12, 2011 at 12:46 PM

See? All Christian men are secretly gay.

very bad homo on October 12, 2011 at 12:58 PM

My problem as a homosexual man who often masturbates in front of a mirror is that I would do Mark Driscoll in a heartbeat.

I've a fetish for guys with big, square meatheads (that sport puka shell necklaces).

David K on October 12, 2011 at 1:04 PM

I keep telling you guys I've seen Driscoll walk out of Club Z on several occasions early on Sunday mornings.

Cato the Younger Younger on October 12, 2011 at 1:19 PM

@26 Whisky Tango FUCK! Not right after lunch! Now I have to clean vomit off my imagination.

ScrawnyKayaker on October 12, 2011 at 1:28 PM

@27 then it's time to stake out club z!

scary tyler moore on October 12, 2011 at 1:34 PM

@ 27,

I'm sure he prays for forgiveness every time he blows his load on the suck-ramp.

Original Andrew on October 12, 2011 at 1:59 PM

This is pure gold for anyone who fantasizes about straight guys.

...Or so I would guess. Ahem.

this guy I know in Spokane on October 12, 2011 at 1:59 PM

@ 27 -- At first I thought you meant http://www.zebraclub.com/

Which wasn't a hard stretch given Mark's penchant for heraldic imagery silkscreened hipster duds.

But now my mind is reeling with the possibilities of Club Z on a Sunday -- amyl caps clutched tightly in my shaking hand. What time do they open? (Or not close?)

David K on October 12, 2011 at 2:15 PM

Hahaha. Reminds me of a Penthouse Forum "letter" from oh-so-long-ago, from a college guy who comes back to his dorm room and catches his roommate self-fellating, guy pretends disgust, roomie says "You think I'm a homo, right? Well, that makes you one too, because if you beat off it means you can stand to hold onto a dick. How long do you think it's gonna be before you're beating other people's meat?"

The story ends, as it must, with roomie teaching guy to blow his own horn.

[Penthouse Forum had maybe 5-10% gay/bi "letters" and was, in the Carboniferous Era before the Silicon Age, a way for gay guys to get porn at the 7-11 without raising too much suspicion.]

rob! on October 12, 2011 at 2:18 PM

And, naturally, he doesn't mention women masturbating alone as being "gay" because, ya know, that's like hot for a straight dude to imagine so we don't want to discourage *that*. That's a-okay by The Lord.

This guy is a complete fucking dipshit.

Confluence on October 12, 2011 at 7:35 PM

Never knew about "Mandate". However, there are plenty of straight alternatives.

Comedian Brian Posehn (you'll know him if you Google him) admits that he masturbates "whenever (my wife) is out of the room". Other studies seem to confirm this simple fact: floggin' the log is universal, and situationally dependent.

Aside from that, morality seems a bit irrelevant.

Just Jeff on October 12, 2011 at 8:50 PM

I must really be gay, 'cause I'd fuck myself, if only I could manage it to reach firmly into place.

Frau Blucher on October 14, 2011 at 6:53 AM

Jeebus - I just read what this douche wrote and apparently looking at porn and masturbating will turn you into Ted Bundy.

Frau Blucher on October 14, 2011 at 7:30 AM

kkkristians: Cant live with 'em, cant feed em to the lions....

islandsoles on October 14, 2011 at 9:21 AM

@18 Doooood! You just made me snarf my yogurt!

Dave#791 on October 14, 2011 at 2:23 PM

I bet this must be a bestseller...

on October 18, 2011 at 9:09 AM

..so if you have oral and anal sex with another man, BUT in the presence of your wife, or another woman.... you are NOT gay? This person has to be one of the most sexually repressed I ever heard of. I typically question the sexuality of men this homophobic. The fact is, most human beings are to a degree bisexual by nature. It's society that causes us to claim that we are either straight or gay. (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Kinsey_scal…) Our bodies are a vessel for the eternal soul. Love who you love and stop worrying about how you measure up to a book of fairy tales written thousands of years ago to control and repress vast groups of people. My gosh, they thought the world was flat back then.

mrdk2115 on January 7, 2013 at 4:05 AM

..so if you have oral and anal sex with another man, BUT in the presence of your wife, or another woman.... you are NOT gay? This person has to be one of the most sexually repressed I've ever heard of. I typically question the sexuality of men this homophobic. The fact is, most human beings are, to a degree, bisexual by nature. It's society that causes us to claim that we are either straight or gay. (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Kinsey_scal…) Our bodies are a vessel for the eternal soul. Love who you love and stop worrying about how you measure up to a book of fairy tales written thousands of years ago to control and repress vast groups of people. My gosh, they thought the world was flat back then

mrdk2115 on January 7, 2013 at 4:09 AM

Mark Driscoll on Masturbation

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