wow. i love the part when she gets to the duffel bag with a pounding heart and instant dread. there's so many ways this could have gone from there. has she seen the movie Zoo? like near the end what they found? yeesh
Really well-written letter... the LW seems perfectly reasonable to me-- I think I would have reacted the same way at each step. My only concern with Dan's advice is his poor explanation as to why the underwear would not be able to infect the LW with anything -- bed bugs can live for weeks, if not months, with nothing to eat... I'd want more scientific proof that the underwear is not contaminated. I've read that microwaving underwear is supposed to help prevent recurrent yeast infections... maybe they should investigate ways to sterilize the underwear...
I had a feeling of instant dread. I got my suitcase out and tried to calm my pounding heart and talk myself out of opening his bag. I knew there was a chance it was my Christmas present or something, but I felt instinctively it was something else he was hiding. I opened the bag. It was heads. Like, human heads. Five or six of them. Looked like they came from young women, but they were a little rank... so... But anyway, they weren't men! So everything's cool. Don't know why I'm writing to you. Love the column. Thanks Dan.
I would always look in the duffle bag. I'd also say that if she's worried about lice or crabs, the method of getting rid of them on clothing and bedding that can't be washed is to put them into a bag for 30 days. So, if he's stowing the under ware in the duffle bag, parasites aren't going to live. This is especially true if you put the stuff in a plastic bag and seal it.

I don't know about this guy. He might be swiping underwear from the gym or he might have BF he gets them from. If so, he needs to own up to it. He has a pretty good wife and, of course, going the distance with a sweet spouse is predicated upon honesty. Dishonesty is a deal breaker.
I am probably just naive, but don't you think her husband wants to fuck other guys? I mean, really, really wants to fuck other guys?

I can't imagine having sex with someone I knew really, really wanted to fuck someone other than me.

Yeah ... I don't know. I don't doubt that this guy loves his wife if he's been with her for 30 years, but it kind of sounds like he's just gay. It seems like he's living a double life.
I think it's adorable that she says "underpants."

The thing that worries me about this situation is that they're of an age that his being a mostly gay guy hiding in the bi closet is a believable scenario. And here he is, by all appearances spending a lot of time thinking about cock. From what I've seen, people in compromise marriages start hitting their 60's and realizing, whoa, I'm running out of time to do what makes me happy.

So my additional advice to this woman would be that even if infidelity hasn't happened yet, it's very well possible in the future and she might want to see if she can find a way to live with it if it happens.
I know it's just nit-picking, but, Dan, there's a "htat" instead of "that" in your post, and also (in the same sentence!) a "you're know of the extent of it." I can't avoid noticing 'htats'. Sorry. :-)
Quoth @5:
I am probably just naive, but don't you think her husband wants to fuck other guys? I mean, really, really wants to fuck other guys?

I can't imagine having sex with someone I knew really, really wanted to fuck someone other than me.
I can't speak for MAK4's husband, obviously, but it's pretty common for men to want to fuck other men and/or women. Really, really want to fuck other men and/or women. That doesn't make them want to stop fucking their spouse.

It's something that bears repeating, given how many women only want to fuck people they love and only love one person at a time. Not all gals are like this, obviously, but the ones who are seem to assume that everyone else has the same outlook.
@5 Really? If you mean that you can't imagine having sex with someone you're monogamously committed to who you think wanted to cheat on you that's one thing, but how many people are attracted to only one other person, exclusively, at a time? As in while they're with/having sex with someone they are only attracted to that one person? Nobody.

I do agree with @6. I'm gay and think vaginas are gross and never really want to see one, but I think there's something to the Kinsey scale as far as there are some gay guys who are able to have, or are not repulsed by having, sex with women. And maybe those ones are the ones who remain in long-term, "happy" marriages when what they really want is to be with a man. I'm not bi-hating, for sure, but this situation sounds a little fishy. Or AT LEAST something they should talk about. And if every time she brings it up she refers to it as "the bad times" I can see why it might be a difficult subject.
Wow, a worried spouse who is NOT totally insane. Kinky.
My two cents is that she is putting out all the demands. She knows he's into dudes, she knows he likes gay porn, she knows he cheated all this before they married. So she drags him to a counselor gets him to promise to give all that up so that she will marry him. No compromise. No consideration. It's all about what will make her happy and live a "normal" life. Obviously he is not completely sexually satisfied in the relationship and seeks other outlets. I just think Dan should have given more of a nod towrads talking about where they stand and are his needs being met. Doesn't mean the husband wants a pass but a good partner should at least ask about their spouse's needs. Guess Dan is getting tired of being bashed by monagamists.
This letter renews my faith in humanity. Both parties sound perfectly lovely, perfectly normal, and perfectly human.
@12, I don't get that there was any "dragging" him to a counselor from what the LW describes, it sounds more to me like he was the one who wanted help saving the relationship. And Dan's last paragraph of advice is all about talking to him, getting clarity on where they are now. Yes, she should be concerned about his needs, but her fears are valid and fears can overwhelm a person's ability to do that.
This woman is a great example of a monogamous, straight, not-really-sure-about-her-partner's-desires-but-down-with-him-having-his-own-sexual-privacy kind of person. She's a rare bird for sure. Her husband is lucky to have her.
I just can't imagine marrying a bi guy, knowing he's very bi, and consigning him to never again sucking a cock in his life. It's so selfish. He did all the compromising and she didn't do any. meh... I don't really feel good about this letter. I'm sad now.
@10 uhh... *raises hand ... Me. I'm one of those people who's been w/their partner for years and only ever wanted to be with her. Sorry to burst your pigeon-holing bubble, but not EVERYONE is like you.
I'm sorry...I think this guy's gay side is probably bursting at the seams by now. And, to be SHAMED every time he's caught jerking off to gay porn, that's just wrong. "The bad times" please...

Now, I'm not saying she has to be completely down with gay porn. But, she's been insecure for THIRTY YEARS. And, she's been shaming this poor guy for THIRTY YEARS! "I worry about lice and bedbugs", no you don't. Lice at the minimum, but you're making up excuses to be worried about his bisexuality. But, because you've dealt with it before, you don't want to bring it up first because it always leads to you shaming him for his past from THIRTY YEARS AGO, I'll bet.

LW, even if your husband had a secret gay life for the thirty years, secret because you need monogamy from somebody who was into two different worlds, he still has an active sex life with you. He loves you. Some one night stand isn't going to change that. He doesn't want to break up the family. He doesn't want to go crazy either. He wants some man-on-man hardcore sex action, and you can't provide it, and don't want to acknowledge it. You probably want him to forget about it as well.

Your stated position is "if he likes to look at gay porn to get off when I'm not in the room, I can live with that." But, your actions scream otherwise. I'm sorry lady, noting to him that it reminds you of "the bad times" everytime you barge into a room while he's whacking off to some gay porn is not "living with it." And, you should really have an open and honest talk about it. Because you're not being open and honest here, in an anonymous forum. And, I'm sure you're not being open and honest with him either.
Am I really the first person to pick up on the two "Kiss Me, Kate" references??!!

Nicely and subtly done, Mr. Savage.
Please, people, please. Why does it take a flaming straight guy (me) to make the first reference to Dan's Kiss Me Kate allusions in the last sentence?
I agree, this is kind of sad; given that he's a Kinsey 4 or 5, it seems sad to cut off a person from indulging in such an important part of their sexuality. Yes, bi people can be monogamous, but that seems easier to do when you're a little closer to one end of the spectrum and can round up or down a little more easily. I kinda wish she'd let him go suck a little dick every once in a while, if only out of charity. But his wife does sound cool and non-insane... As for the deal being one-sided, her dealbreaker was monogamy, he assented, he could have walked away if he didn't want to pay that price. She's not obligated to meet him halfway if that's not the relationship she wants. But, while I'm sure he loves her, I suspect he was seeking a Heteronormative Public Facade back in the late 1970s/early 1980s. I doubt that if he was a young man today he would have struck the same deal.

And @5, like @9 said, if you can only imagine fucking people who have no desire or fantasy to fuck any other human being besides you, now and forever, in perpetuity, then you have a nice long life of celibacy in front of you.
Dan, Jesus. Are you humoring her? Guys selling those underwear DO wear them. They get their butt-stink in there - that's what MAK4's husband is into. Not 'cheap perfume'.

And second, crabs can survive in underpants for weeks. A few days in an envelope will do nothing to kill them.
I'm curious about the people saying his gay side must be bursting at the seams, and that he made all the compromises (sexually) while his wife made none.

Having had sex with both men and women, I get that the two are different. But it's also true that sex with each individual is different, regardless of their sex. Both of them chose to be monogamous, and therefore both of them gave up the exact same thing -- sexual variety. The guy wasn't asked to "turn off" a huge part of his sexuality; he clearly is allowed to experience that through pornography, fantasy, and collecting underpants. In the same vein, she is allowed to experience her desire for variety, sex with other men, whatever other fantasies she may have that he cannot fulfill, or which she doesn't want him to, through pornography and fantasy.

I'm probably a 2 on the Kinsey scale, so I'm not crazy dying to get down with other women all the time, but I *am* attracted to them and I *do* have powerful fantasies about women. And there are times when I go through short phases of longing, which, because I am in a monogamous relationship, I work through quite successfully with pornography and fantasy. But I also recognize that there are benefits to monogamy of which I get the benefit -- there is a trade-off for my "sacrifice."

If I'm missing something, and there is some massive compelling desire for bisexuals to have sex with the opposite sex from their partner, so much so that to only allow it to manifest in porn/fantasy would be in some way turning off a part of their very self, can somebody please explain that to me?
C'mon guys. Just because someone is bi doesn't mean that he or she ABSOLUTELY MUST BE FUCKING BOTH GENDERS THROUGHOUT THEIR ENTIRE LIVES IN ORDER TO BE HAPPY.

That's as bad as the assumption that if your partner wanted to (also) fuck someone else, you'd never want sex with them again being true for everyone, not just yourself.

Some people. Not all.

That all said, if they are in their 60's and still fucking like bunnies, that's rare regardless of everyone's actual orientation. I agree with Dan's response and love the Kiss Me Kate refs...
@23 made my general point in a much nicer way.
Look at the positives. If he loses some weight he won't need to buy new underwear.

And, exactly what constitutes cheap looking underpants? Is your husband buying his at J. Banks? Frankly, I'd only worry about why your husband wants to buy cheap looking underwear. If you're buying underwear to work out in, I can understand getting the cheap stuff. But if you're going to satisfy a fetish, why not spend a few extra bucks & buy used, expensive ones? Surely they must be available for purchase, too. You only live once - don't skimp on your underwear fetish. Live a little. Buy the good stuff.
(1) Clearly the husband is bi, regardless of where exactly he falls on the Kinsey scale. That doesn't mean he can't be monogamous if he chooses, or that he must be bursting at the seams to suck a cock. But she has to realize that his mind will fantasize about both genders, and that neither he nor she can control or change that. As long as he can find a reasonable outlet for his fantasies, then there is no reason to start doubting the validity of what sounds like an otherwise healthy 30 year relationship.

(2) The concern over lice/bedbugs/etc is a total red herring. There is no reason to assume that the guys that sell used underwear online are parasite-ridden spreaders of horrifyingly contagious diseases. I've known guys who have done this. Dan is right. They generally buy cheap underwear, maybe wear them for ten minutes to get a bit of boy-musk on them, maybe dribble a few drops of piss on them or jack off onto them (usually jizzing a whole 6-pack of underwear at a shot) if they're selling that fetish, maybe artfully add a tear to make them look more used, and package them off. The likelihood of catching anything from these underwear is near zero. The likelihood of husband ever meeting one of the underwear-selling boys in-person is near zero. This is an extremely harmless fetish.
See, the thing that gets me isn't the underwear itself but the fact that he spent apparently years cheating on her with guys but the problem with their relationship was that she didn't want to marry him.

The impression I get is this:

This guy may care about her, but I'm not convinced he loves her. She's been his beard for years and he's tired of it. So rather than talk to her about it he's trying to sabotage it by doing things like leaving duffel bags full of porn and underwear in the basement right in front of her suitcases when he knows she's packing for a trip. It's why he makes a big show of slamming his laptop closed like he's up to something in the hopes of provoking a fight where he's the victim and she's the bad guy.

And the thing is that it sounds like she wouldn't mind if he'd at least be open but discreet about it. If he'd stop acting like a criminal about it (and maybe come out of the fucking closet while he's at it). This counselor they saw went to a lot of trouble convincing her that bisexual men could be monogamous, but she doesn't seem to have had anything to say about him sneaking around and pulling shit behind the LW's back. Regardless of whether she's going to get anything but metaphorical cooties from the underwear, she does have a legitimate reason to be upset if he's going to keep trying to hide that stuff from her.
This guy is silly for cock. No way he's been able to stay away from it for 30 years. Not that that's a reason to end an otherwise healthy marriage.
I adamantly disagree with those who say this guy can't stay away from cock, or he's closeted, or that she is his beard.

If he is still regularly having sex with her after 30 years, he's not faking it. He's not a closet case in a loveless marriage. He does love her. He just also happens to find guys attractive too. That is one significant difference between a gay closet case and a bisexual guy in a relationship with a woman.

If he was gay (not bi), in the closet, in a loveless marriage, just waiting to burst out, there is no way he'd still be having sex with her twice a week after 30 years. Nobody could possibly fake it for 3 decades. Lots of healthy marriages between two 100% straight couples don't see that much sex 30 years in. Ask your parents (if you dare).

If this was a marriage of 5 years, and they had stopped having sex entirely after a couple years, I'd be the first to be jumping on the closet-case bandwagon. MAK4 is not describing that kind of problem at all.
Funny how people can look at a situation and see a totally different universe.

Re: He's actually gay. Really? A man in his sixties who still has sex with his wife a couple of times a week is actually gay? If so he deserves a fucking gold medal for keeping up a charade with his wife. 2 times a week is a damn fine standard for any couple in their sixties, which would rather seem to indicate he's just fine with the pussy. The vast majority of bisexuals end up in opposite sex relationships. I'm guessing that for people born in the friggen 1950s, that number is close to 100%. He's been an out bisexual to his wife for 30 years (that's since the 70s folks), so I think they both get points for being pretty fucking progressive for their time.

Another thing is why, for the upenteenth time, non-bisexuals refuse to accept the possibility that bisexuality and monogamy are compatible. For that to be viable it means that neccesarily a bisexual has to not have physical relationships with one of the genders. Looking at gay porn (and in this case collecting skivies) seems like a perfectly reasonable outlet for a bisexual man in a relationship with a woman. It is not a symptom that he is going to or has cheated. We would call "psycho" to any wife sure her husband was going to cheat because he watches straight porn, so why would the standard change if the porn is gay?

The only real indication he may cheat is that he did cheat in the past. But he's gone 30 years without his wife getting any indication of anything other than porn watching. Sure it'd be awesome if she were comfortable with an open relationship and he were openly bi and they flew a fucking rainbow flag in the yard, but as it stands I think they did pretty good, considering the time from which they came.
@31 (Lynx), I was going to say pretty much what you've said; and you said it probably better than I would have. What can I say, other than I agree?
I'm with #18/The misanthrope. The shaming about catching him looking at porn on his laptop is pretty evil. Cut that out. Maybe he is not out to anybody because he's been shamed by his loved ones for his desires for 30+ years??? I can't imagine living with someone who wants to police my private fantasy life.
I think the LW's biggest problem is with the lack of truthfulness. I think it's time to head back to a sex councilor for a tune up. If the worst sqick she's got about the underwear is cootie phobia, then baking or time in a freezer should clear up the problem.

If after 30 years together with a more gay than not bisexual this is the biggest problem, then the LW's husband deserves a prize. How about not needing to slam the notebook shut, and a special drawer/cabinet for his collection, as long as the time and cost requirements are reasonable? Oh, and the sexual energy he gets from his hobbies has to be shared.

The LW has known her husband's propensities for most of 30 years, and knows how much to trust him (which it sounds like she still does, doubts notwithstanding). Too bad it hasn't gone the other way. A little time with open talk in a safe space should do it.

I'm going to call FAKE on this for the following reasons:

- "more than 30 years", the sex with men was "a few years before we got married" and it is now 2011. So in the late 70's or early 80's he was " tested for HIV and various STDs and he was clean". Er, NO. HIV was not identifed till a few years later and couldn't be tested for many more years.

- "counselor who was very experienced in treating gay and bisexual people’s relationship issues" in 1980?!? About 1% of the population would have been able to find such a counselor at that time. It's still hard now.

- The whole scenerio seems so unlikely - the cock-hungry cheater totally turns it around for the wife he loves and flies straight for 3 decades give or take a little man-scented UW.

- "my reluctance to marry him made him doubt that I truly loved him" is such a controlling, cheater thing to say.

- "The counselor helped me understand that bisexual people can be monogamous if they choose to be." Really?!? A counselor can promise that?!? in 1980?!?

- It's all so well written, better proofed than professional writer Dan's response (I'm assuming Dan was at 33,000' between TV gigs), and oh so reasonable.

- What are the chances of a loving, distraught wife writing an articulate letter that will obviousy get Dan's blessing for the gay H? Versus a gay H carefully writing a fake letter about a happy ending to get Dan to buy into his indiscretions (gay porn, some gay kink, history of cheating) so he can weather the lastest crisis and stay in the closet?
@35, damn, good point. Sigh. Still, here's what I would write for the wife: If I were in her situation, late 50s, long marriage, I would be worrying about things in this order:

1) divorce
2) his sadness (because I love him, I wouldn't to feel he was deeply unhappy)
3) dishonesty
4) disease

With that in mind, I would amend Dan's advice to say that after telling your husband what you found, tell him it's fine with you if he wants to have a few flings with some men. That is more likely to get an honest answer from him, than asking to be reassured that he doesn't want sex with guys.

But, to the guy who probably wrote this letter, I would say – sounds to me like you would prefer to be honest with your wife. Trust her to be able to handle what you have to tell her, in the long run, even if in the short run she gets angry. Surely your 30 years together and ongoing sex life have earned some amount of trust and understanding.
@35 wait - she says they've been together 30 years, and that "eventually we did get married." So they could have been dating in the 80s, she discovers his infidelity in the early 90s, he gets tested, and then they get married (eventually) in the late 90s. Doesn't that fix the problem?

Though I do agree with your confusion at the counselor who focused on "bisexuals can be monogamous" and ignored the idea that "cheaters are probably going to still cheat."
(That last idea was really @28's: "This counselor they saw went to a lot of trouble convincing her that bisexual men could be monogamous, but she doesn't seem to have had anything to say about him sneaking around and pulling shit behind the LW's back.")
What a romantic letter!
@EricaP: Yeah, maybe they had a long courtship and the cheating was more recent so the HIV testing was more recent. Still, it just smells like gay H saying, "Look honey, 'bisexual' men with a history of cheating can be loving and monogamous if you can forgive them." Just a little laughable, harmless underwear fetish, but you'll get twice weekly sex and love and no straying for decades. It must be true because I read it in Savage Love.

So my best guess is the actual (gay male) letter writer is dealing with the aftermath of having gotten caught cheating with multiple cock-having partners. And he wants his fiance to swallow his promises of a lifetime of monogamy so he can get married and back into that familiar closet.

Your list 1 through 4 is true for the supposed histories involved. But the actual wife - in her 20's or 30's and debating about marriage having just discovered his cheating? Her list would start with:

0) Fucking Pissed
0.5) regretting her "sunk costs" of the time and emotion she's put into the relationship. Hopefully she sees continuing as "Good money after bad."
@37: EricaP: Ah, but the "sex with men since he was a TEENAGER (circa 1971) and had continued to have it throughout our relationship. These were semi-anonymous pickups, either from personal ads or from bars, basically mutual blowjobs."

So testing could have been in the late 80's, early 90's after a long courtship. But a NEGATIVE test after horndogging around in the early 1980's? Dan's got a few friends left from that time; I do, too. But not many. The relatives and co-workers who survived were younger and got infected later, and lived to use multi-drug regimens.

Not a rule-out, but it makes it less likely to be true. And apart from HIV (if it was only blowjobs), what are the chances she wouldn't have gotten any of your classic STDs given his fooling around at that time?
@41 yes, you're probably right. But possibly they lived in the middle of the country, and he was lucky.
Lady needs to, with her husband, Find another bi guy that both she and her husband like. And then she can sit back and watch them suck each others cocks. She might not be thrilled, but I bet her husband pounces on her after doing that for him. And if she's into it, the other guy can too.
@41, When I started college in 1979 it seemed like there were no incurable STDs left. I happened to have been doing an internship in a virology lab when what became AIDS was first announced, and remember having discussions of whether this might be a "slow" viral infection (it wasn't). I saw a display of the AIDS quilt in Boston in the mid 80s, but you've raised a question without an easy answer: What proportion of the gay male population was infected with HIV/AIDS in the 1980s and 1990s?

There was certainly no barrier to casual sex (from an epidemiological standpoint) when the spread of AIDS was at it's peak. By the time public health warnings started, given the long lag between infection and onset of symptoms, what were a gay/bi male's chances of getting HIV/AIDS? The absolute numbers are terrible, but what did it mean as a proportion of the community?

I am most likely being insensitive to some people, for that I apologize.

Thank you to everyone pointing out that he blamed the cheating on her! That's a) a red flag and b) a rebuttal to anyone saying she "dragged" him anywhere or is demanding all the sacrifice. She made her price of admission clear, while he was the manipulative one. He simultaneously shifted the blame and tried to guilt her into marrying him. I don't know if he's cheating or a bad dude generally or what, but I think she's been very mature and understanding. (I give her mad props, as the kids were saying ten years ago, for not caving on the marriage ploy.) I'm rooting for them, but she shouldn't feel guilty for a moment.

And I think by "bedbugs" she means "cooties."
@44: I started college in 1979 as well (and should have jumped through the "no incurable STDs" window that existed). Yes, the percentage of promiscuious gay guys who contracted HIV is unknowable but high. Not necessarily less in a rural area ("My Own Country: A Doctor's Story" by Abraham Verghese who saw AIDS very early in a rural area because of closeted guys servicing truckers in truck stops).

But my point about STDs applies maybe even more to non-HIV: If the letter is real, she had sex with a guy who was cruising for gay sex throughout the 80's (until at least HIV could be tested), so how come she didn't get syph, gonnerehia, crabs, etc?
Hello everyone, I am the letter writer.

I'm sorry if some of you think I'm not real or I'm really my husband, but I am (a) real and (b) not my husband. And the story is true.

We haven't been married for 30+ years. We've been together for 30+ years. The episode I wrote about was in 1994. We saw a counselor for about three years and eventually got married. We are both between 55 and 60 years old.

I've never used the phrase "the bad times" to my husband. I did to Dan, in the letter, to explain. What I said to my husband was that it gave me flashbacks. He understood perfectly.

I understand that this is the Internet and there's a lot of fake content, but we are both 100% for real.

Hello everyone. I'm the letter writer.

I am real, and so is my story. I am not my husband, nor some other fantasist. I'm just a middle-aged woman with a problem. I don't really know what else I can say or do to make a few of you believe, but perhaps that's impossible.

For purposes of clarification: we've been together for 30+ years, but not married for all that time. The cheating episode I spoke of was in 1994. We saw the counselor for more than two years, and eventually got married.

Sometime before 1994 my now-husband did get a weird tiny tiny lice infestation in (of all places) his eyelashes. We both had to slather ourselves with vile medicine for days. I mentioned it to Dan but he must have edited it out. In light of later knowledge I found myself wondering if my guy got the lice from somebody's pubes. I don't think we'll ever know. But that's the reason I worry about lice.

I'm sorry if I seem unreasonable or controlling to some of you. I hope I'm really not.

Sorry for the double (now triple) post. I wasn't registered and when I did register my first post seemingly disappeared, then reappeared.
I'm very sympathetic to straights married to gays, as is Dan. And I'm very skeptical of "bisexuals" who act like, talk like, and quack like a closeted gay spouse, as Dan often is.

So he was having semi-annoynomous gay sex from the mid 70's till 1994? That is a lot of cocksucking.

By the mid-90's, I don't doubt you could find a counselor who was knowledgable and even optimistic about mixed-orientation marriages.

The wife doesn't seem controlling to me. The husband does. "he told both the counselor and me that my reluctance to marry him made him doubt that I truly loved him" is a truly douchey thing to say. Reluctance to marry a lying, serial cheater isn't about the wife's ability to love, it's about her ability to think. But it seems to have worked.
@questioner56 - thanks for writing in!! I hope you take the initial positive comments more to heart than the later critical ones... people are just having a conversation and it's no fun to have a discussion thread where everyone agrees with each other :-)

So, how would you feel if it turned out that your husband does want to have sex with a guy again before he dies? Would that be devastating to you? Would you leave him? As Dan (and the commentators) say, your husband clearly loves and desires you. Is that enough, or is monogamy crucially important to you?
@EricaP: the short answer is: I don't know.

I love him so much and want him to be happy, but I gave up some options of my own when I entered into this marriage, and we both took those vows freely. I'm pretty old school when it comes to marital fidelity. Sometimes I wonder if I was kidding myself when I married him, but if I was, he aided and abetted me.

@DAVIDinKENAI: I don't know how many guys we are talking about pre-1994. I didn't ask. Maybe I should have but part of me didn't want to know. I left that for him to work through with the counselor (we saw her both separately and together). In fairness to him, my reluctance to marry him dated from before our relationship even started -- I was not particularly attracted to the idea of marriage -- and certainly predated my awareness of his other sexual partners.
@52 What are those options that you gave up to marry him, and do you have some regrets there? Is there any way that you could go back and renew those options at this point? Would it make sense for you to talk to a therapist again, to help you think about what you want out of life, going forward?
@47 Regardless of your word choice - "Flashbacks" or "the bad times" - you're shaming him. For 17 years. If he caught you jilling off and told you it gave him "flashbacks" to a mutually understood mistake, would you feel good about it? Probably not. At one point, it may have been reasonable, but that time was long ago.

Try dealing with those emotions in a more constructive way. How about openly communicating with him now and then? Maybe occasionally endulging in gay porn with him, even if it isn't your thing? Instead of trying to shame it away, acknowledge it as a part of him and work with it a little? Maybe pegging, if he's into that.

But, to me, your current method of dealing by making him hide is hurtful.


And, the man is in the closet. His bisexuality obviously can't be openly shared with anybody. Not saying he can't be monogamous. I am saying, not being allowed open expression of his desires (especially if he's a 4/5), is probably clawing at him.
No regrets. I gave up those options because I chose to. They weren't important to me. I've been flirted with by other men over the years but none of them ever seriously tempted me to consider a different relationship. I'm with the man I love. I have no Plan B. If I am forced to get one, I will, of course, but I don't want one and hope I don't ever need one.
Yeah, questioner56, why can't you give him space and time to look at gay porn without you coming in and having flashbacks? This whole thing really doesn't seem fair to the poor guy.

It's hard enough for people who aren't bi to be monogamous, but bi people are dealing with two separate sex drives, not just one.
@55, if there's nothing more that you want in your life, and he does want something else in his life... are you really going to be happy holding him to a vow he made a decade ago? What do you feel when you think about him possibly meeting someone for a fun blowjob?
@30: Ted Haggard is still "faking it". And so is his wife.

-It is possible.

I say, let the guy get some dick and get a good pounding from time to time.
San: and hot men and women who want to make some extra money but don't want to have physical contact with "clients" can put up a website and sell their underwear to strangers without having to interact with—or fuck anyone—in person.

Would I be correct in assuming that's it's overwhelmingly men who are buying underwear?
@13 I know, I was thinking how...sweet this is. I have a strong feeling that if she gently broached the subject with him, he'd be mortified and apologetic, and they'd come to a very reasonable "don't look in this drawer" understanding.
Personally, I wouldn't mind if my wife would wear some men's boxers. Say in blue silk with a drawstring, and legs loose enough to slide my...

@5 You may not be able to imagine it, but I can guarantee you've done it.

Please wait...

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