That's not even iris-colored.

a tire jack is when you get an arm cramp giving a handi-jay right?

sorry...couldn't resist.

OPI has always had stupid names for their polish colors, even before they started selling Sephora exclusives.

@1, we'd be unwise to forget how rarely the colors depicted in Slog photos match what the eye can see. Bethany, why not try one of the other Sephora lines if you don't like the OPI ones they gave funny names? Try Illamasqua or Nars, or nails inc.?

That whole Jessica Simpson "me and my coochie" act is very 2000-late. Come to think of it, I haven't set foot inside Sephora in a few years now except to help a friend buy makeup for a wedding.

i own more nail polish than anybody i know and i am fat and awesome and DO NOT wish i was thinner (and i know what a tire jack is). sephora should get a clue.

I wouldn't mind using a tire jack on the people who came up with those names. Or people who tell women to "fucking relax" when they're confronted with such offensive shit. Ahem.

@ 3, you'd be well advised not to tell women what not to get angry and "relax" about.

(And I called you Bethany, Megan. Please forgive me.)

Sexist stuff abounds. People criticize it when it targets them but laugh it off when it targets others.

There are bigger fish to fry.

also i would like to introduce you to the world of being a woman, aka death by a thousand papercuts. where microinequalities are abound and you are told to IGNORE THEM ALL and get over it and "fucking relax", because god fucking forbid you start acknowledging the EXTREMELY FUCKED UP WAY WOMEN ARE MARKETED TOWARDS.

also the opi formulas are TERRIBLE. essie/RGB/POP/model's own FOREVER.

I'm with you, Megan. I'm sure there will be lots of self-righteous "lighten up!"-ers on this comment thread, but this shit gets really old.

I'd bet my left testicle it was a woman who came up with those names. Because when you get right down to it, women really do hate themselves.

What's a tire jack? Is it some cool cross between a jack and tire lever?

@14 uhh, ACTUALLY women are socialized by a patriarchal society to have unobtainable standards and to value themselves based on conventional beauty alone. i bet you a hundred, million, thousand dollars that if there was no patriarchal construct, there would be no "iris i was thinner".

I love this post Megan - thank you. ;)

why do you want to paint your nails? it feels like your nails are being strangled.

my favorite OPI color is unfortunately called "20 candles on my cake," so you can add youth-worshipping to OPI's assumptions of women dreaming of being domestic goddesses and wishing we were thinner.

Calm down - you sound kind of hysterical. Take a valium and maybe we'll talk about this when you aren't so emotional.

@14, you mean OPI's creative director Suzi Weiss-Fischmann, who "single-handedly" creates every OPI shade?
http://x.opi.com/AboutBioMain.asp?ID=2
http://www.suzisbeautyblog.com/

Tongue in cheek there. Just for the record.

Yeah, that's pretty backwards and offensive. It's true.

Then again, Rachel Maddow talking to men about reproductive issues as though we were all preliterate Cro-magnons - which was posted here to Slog - was pretty offensive too.

My response is to avoid pundits. In your case? Just don't buy it.

I'm a huge fan of cruelty free products and Sephora brand (and OPI) don't test on animals! I'm just plugging that in because it is difficult to find cruelty free makeup. I actually never read the names but, yeah, offensive. However, other them, Revlon and MAC - are the only cruelty free nail polishes I buy.

@19 i wish to rename that "20 candles on this giant cake that i am going to eat myself (fuck your unwarranted health concern), one for each time i would like to tell cosmetic marketers to get fucked."

Since when has the cosmetics industry advertising not been about trying to make you fell shitty enough to buy its products? And it ain't just women, y'all. How about those get-rid-of-that-fucking-awful-gray-hair ads "just for men?" Just bury your fucking ass now. Ha. Ha-ha.

@24: It's actually really easy to find cruelty-free makeup; you just need to know where to look.

I mostly buy SpaRitual, which is nice because it's not only cruelty-free but vegan. Most brands use quite a few animal-based colors, especially for reds (many of which come from the cochineal beetle), and for glitter (which often comes from fish scales).

I've also heard really good things about Acquarella (though I have yet to try it), which is a water-based brand. Cruelty-free, vegan, *and* no harmful chemicals? Sign me up!

If you're looking for other products, take a look here:

http://www.organicconsumers.org/bodycare…

There are tons of brands which are certified organic and cruelty-free. Just look for the USDA Organic and Leaping Bunny logos. You might not find them in Sephora, but they exist. :)

Same fucked up logic that causes warning/caution signs to depict stick figures that are either male or gender neutral UNLESS the message is for parents & then the stick figure is shown as wearing a skirt/dress.

@23 Rachel Maddow's talk would have been better justified if it were addressed directly to the men that support social conservatives. They truly are preliterate Cromagnon. The fact that she addressed it to all men made it just as stupid as these nail polishes.

But men are a privileged class that benefits from the patriarchal construct, so haven't earned the right to be to be pissed when we're the butt of prejudice.

@24 - this doesn't seem free of cruelty to me.

@15 Thank you. Though maybe that's part of the 'joke'?

@16: No, women are socialized by the women and gay men who dominate the fashion industry to have unobtainable standards. Fortunately, that socialization only works with the 1% of women who are apparently too stupid to realize that advertisements sometimes present a distorted view of the world.

In contrast, the beauty standards set by the straight men of the patriarchy are easily surpassed by most women. Are there any ladies on this thread who are unable to attract any men at all? No? Congrats, you met the bar, now go paint your nails all pretty and fucking relax.

I seem to remember a group of anthropological papers by female scholars which considered the origins of many of our modern practices, among them the cultivating of long nails and their decorative painting. All of them attributed the source of this fashion as evolving from prosperity signaling.

Ancient Egyptians, for example, linked nail color to social status--the deepest reds only being for use by those few of highest social rank. Our current practice developed as a social cue to signal that the individual in question was so refined, privileged and aloof that they need not engage in manual labor; having to use their own hands to do work.

In this context, the phrase "What's a tire jack?" would seem to embody the exact, identical sentiment, would it not?

[commence shitstorm in 3, 2, 1... ]

@15 + 31 - Agreed. I have no idea what a tire jack is either.

@ Timrrrr, yes, but you're giving Sephora and OPI too much credit to think that they put that much thought into it.

Maybe it went as "deep" as, "I'm so pampered, I don't need to know about those kinds of things," but that's about the limit to what I'd assume their naming of that polish has to do with what you've written here.

@33: "What's a tire jack?" would seem to embody the exact, identical sentiment, would it not?

Yes, the sentiment is that the wearer doesn't have to deal with bullshit like changing tires because she has dozens of men eagerly lined up to do this kind of demeaning grunt work for her.

Besides, you're likely to chip a nail while changing a tire, and we are talking about nail polish here.

Suzi Weiss-Fischmann FTW.

@25: I totally love you right now, and I'll fight you for some of that cake, sister.

@32: wh...what? no. sorry. that actually isnt how society works.

@34: I think it's actually a rejected joke from Airplane. "What's a tire, Jack?" "It's a piece of rubber that goes around a car's wheel, but that's not important right now."

Really? I've never bought nail polish in my life (and I'm old). It totally blows me away that they have a whole line of nail polish with insulting names. What the fuck is wrong with their marketing people? Seriously. If I was a woman buying nail polish, I'd tell the salesperson to shove that bottle right up their ass.

[*headdesk*]

@27 i LOVE Sparitual. They don't last as long as whatever the nail shops use, but I love the colors and aren't offended by the names. Their Fall 2011 Wilde collection is "inspired by the book Women Who Run with the Wolves."

They have some at the Pharmaca store here in West Seattle, but I ordered some online to get the colors I wanted.

zoya is another good eco-conscious and cruelty free brand. stays on well, too - but the colors depicted on the website are not the same as in reality. they are much brighter than they appear.

@41: Do you use the Sparitual base/topcoat? When I do, it easily lasts two weeks before I start seeing any chipping, and then only on my index fingers.

Plus, I just found out that you can go to a nail salon and get a "polish change" for $5. I went to Infinity on Broadway. I just figured they would take off my old polish and put on the new color, but they actually did some filing and cleaning too! I think the only thing they skipped was trimming my cuticles. Soo worth it.

Technically it should be, "Iris I WERE thinner."

I would like to propose that they add the color "Matte is Hard."

@44 genius.

What @27 said. Fuck giant corporate marketing bullshit. Buy from the cruelty-free, nonsexist people (at least until they sell out to a giant, sexist corporation). I would also recommend Butter London nail polish, because they are local, environmentally friendly and grew in a grassrootsy way. Their polish doesn't last very long (nothing "green" ever seems to work as well as chemicals do) but it's better than coating your fingers in all that toxic crap.

@43 I do use the Sparitual multi-tasker base & topcoat, but my nails always chip at the edges right away. I think it's my technique - before this summer I hadn't painted my nails in forever, so I'm probably doing something wrong. I'm slowly getting better. Thanks for the tip about polish changes!

oh, jesus christ. Lighten up.

I love getting pedicures.
Don't ruin them for me now, okay?
Okay.

Sheesh....

Only took 3 comments for a man to tell you to lighten up! GOOD WORK, SLOG!!!

I'm just imagining some kind of feminist howitzer being fired, and the report sounding like this post.

You know how I deal with BS like that? The company goes on my "do not buy" list and then I move on. They don't deserve my money.

A tire jack?

Isn't that an object used in the ritual of "I'm late, I'm lost, and now this happens on the way to my job interview"?

Most guy's don't care about the color of your toenails, unless you think they clash with the color of our eyes when your feet are on our shoulders.

Peace.

This is only tangentially related, but I despise many consumer products with awkward, punny, over-the-top names.

For instance, if I'm at a restaurant, and all the sandwiches have these sorts of names, and then I ask for the chicken sandwich, and the server says "Oh, you mean the Takes-a-lickin-and-keeps-on-tickin sandwich" or whatever, I just feel embarrassed for both of us.

Why do you want to buy into the patriarchally oppressive practice of painting your nails? You want to make your nails nice and pretty because some man told a woman to do that centuries ago?

It's destructive to GynEcology.

the crazy thing is, they think that it's ok to evoke the memory and continuing state of female oppression. awesome, apparently all i really want to do is be barefoot (with pretty toes, natch) and pregnant and taking care of my mans. WHY oh WHY does it still seem ok to evoke THAT set of nostalgia/feelings? would you really sell ching chong red? or mammy's maple syrup brown? those are incredibly offensive. this is no different.

and how about posting reviews critiquing the names on the product website? i just did. maybe they'll figure it out.

Why are you painting your nails, anyway?

Honest question.

Related: if it is so hard to find cosmetics that meet all the environmental and social justice criteria and are gentle for your face and "work" well enough, why even bother to wear makeup? Wouldn't you save a ton of time and money by just letting all that go? you are beautiful just the way you are.

As to the questions about why one paints one's nails - well, I can't speak for anyone else, but I have to keep a coat of polish on mine, because they like to split vertically, which is horrifically painful when the split catches on something and the nail tears down into the quick. The polish keeps them more in one piece. I use the $2 a bottle stuff I get at the drugstore, though, and the name for the color on the label is usually "clear."

As a woman, I think you should fucking relax. It's nail polish. OPI has *always* used stupid names. If you don't like them, move to another brand. It's how this crazy economy works--you vote with your dollar.

Geni - thanks! That had not occurred to me, although I use cheap clear nailpolish on most metal that touches my skin so I don't get oozing sores....yum. I occasionally paint my toenails when it seems like a fun idea (maybe once or twice a year) but I think the last time I painted my fingernails I was in actual middle school. I work with my hands too much, I am convinced it would come off in the soil or in some food or something. So it is a ritual that I do not have a good feeling for.
Is the point of it to feel attractive and feminine, maybe? But if that is the case, I can't understand how a color name is more offensive than the idea that a woman has to adorn herself with artificial color in order to be attractive and feminine.

The real problem here isn't the marketing - but the demographic that finds the marketing appealing. There are plenty of young women in the world who think those names are cute, and are more than happy to put those colors on their nails, and the nails of their purse-friendly little dogs.

Why do I paint my nails? Because I like the way they look. no need to bend over backwards assuring feminists that I only use clear polish because my nails tend to split easily - I wear reds and blues, and black with little bits of sparkle because I think they're pretty. So fuck off. It's perfectly fine to want to wear nail polish. If you don't like their names, don't buy them. Curious if there was an equal amount of outrage at the name of one of OPI's most popular shades . . . I'm Really Not a Waitress . . . that's insulting, isn't it?

I personally will buy polish with asinine, borderline offensive, sexist names if I like the color, cause I spit in the face of the man. Me buying some stupidly named fucking nail paint isn't going to hold me down (and I don't believe it's going to hold the patriarchal system up, either.) In my life I TAKE ACTION for what I believe in. I protest. I march. I actively object. I write letters, articles, music, poems. I speak in public. I educate those who have less knowledge. I read letters, articles, papers, alternate news, revolutionary literature. I listen to speakers, feminist & pacifist radio. I educate myself, I learn. I attend workshops, seminars, speeches, concerts. I vote. I volunteer. I run marathons for feminism. I congregate with others. I share my knowledge & literature with others, I try to spread the message of equality. I refuse to act out stereotypes in the way I conduct myself. If anybody, male or female, thinks I'm playing into stereotypes when I buy a product that *I like* that has a sexist/non-PC name or connotation, they need to turn around, look in a mirror and take action in their own life for what they believe in, not chastise me for what I do. Ya know why? Because telling me I'm falling prey to the evils of socialization & patriarchal brainwashing is simply wasting time that any person could be using to actually make a difference rather than sounding like a do-nothing fuggen douche.

I'd imagine that far less than half of the people bitching about this here on the internet go out into the world and take action for women's rights, sexism and equal treatment. It's easy to talk the talk, much more effort time & energy to truly walk the walk.

I personally will buy polish with asinine, borderline offensive, sexist names if I like the color, cause I spit in the face of the man. Me buying some stupidly named fucking nail paint isn't going to hold me down (and I don't believe it's going to hold the patriarchal system up, either.) In my life I TAKE ACTION for what I believe in. I protest. I march. I actively object. I write letters, articles, music, poems. I speak in public. I educate those who have less knowledge. I read letters, articles, papers, alternate news, revolutionary literature. I listen to speakers, feminist & pacifist radio. I educate myself, I learn. I attend workshops, seminars, speeches, concerts. I vote. I volunteer. I run marathons for feminism. I congregate with others. I share my knowledge & literature with others, I try to spread the message of equality. I refuse to act out stereotypes in the way I conduct myself. If anybody, male or female, thinks I'm playing into stereotypes when I buy a product that *I like* that has a sexist/non-PC name or connotation, they need to turn around, look in a mirror and take action in their own life for what they believe in, not chastise me for what I do. Ya know why? Because telling me I'm falling prey to the evils of socialization & patriarchal brainwashing is simply wasting time that any person could be using to actually make a difference rather than sounding like a do-nothing fuggen douche.

I'd imagine that far less than half of the people bitching about this here on the internet go out into the world and take action for women's rights, sexism and equal treatment. It's easy to talk the talk, much more effort time & energy to truly walk the walk.

@41 @42 @46 Butter London, Zoya & SpaRitual are in no way green. They are chemical soup like any other nail polish-- just minus Toluene, Dibutyl Phthalate, Formaldehyde/Formaldehyde Resin & Camphor; there are very few US polish companies whose polish contains these chemicals anymore. (Other companies free of these chemicals include OPI, Sephora, China Glaze, Orly, Chanel, Essie, Sally Hansen, Deborah Lippmann, Rescue Beauty, Revlon, WetNWild, Nubar, ad intifitum).... Those chemicals are simply replaced with similar ones whose exact molecular structures haven't been linked to any problems. It's not like they replace the scapegoat chemicals with fairy dust and broccoli... just other icky chemicals which haven't made names for themselves yet. I mean, smell the stuff.

All 3 are vegan-friendly-- no animal products. All 3 do not have animal testing currently.
All 3 are pretty big companies... SpaRitual is owned by the same people who own Orly; Zoya is owned by Art of Beauty (also owns Qtica); Butter London is distributed in Nordstroms & Ultas alllll around the USA (thousands of stores)- these are all quite large companies, nothing small or local or grassrooty.

All 3 of these companies don't gear any polish toward men, only women, so the sexist box is checked right there... check out BB Couture, they have polish that is geared towards both men AND women.

*In actuality, polish (really except water-based I can't comment on that) is made of chemicals, in disposable packaging. Excepting water-based polish, nail lacquer is not green in any way, environmentally friendly in any way, or "non-chemical" in any way. It's made up of chemicals just like cheap shampoo VS expensive salon shampoo (Suave VS Redken, same nasty sulfates & silicones in both products)

If you purchase a $1 polish from a drugstore (wetNwild, for example), and compare its ingredients to $14 Butter London, or $8 Zoya, or $10 SpaRitual, the ingredients are going to be pretty much the same, and the $1 polish is also vegan and not tested upon animals. The whole vegan/non-toxic/cruelty-free polish thing is mostly a gimmick to get your money if the polish is over $5 a bottle. I personally buy into it when I like the colors & the brush. I don't buy products tested on animals in general-- OPI itself does not test on animals, though owned by dubious parent company Coty. (info from PETA)

I love all 3 of these polish brands and own many of all 3. I paint my nails nearly every day. I'm just trying to put some facts out here.

Sorry ... but why the hell do people shop there at all?

good one, Lee!

"Iris I Was Thinner" is pretty bad - there's really no 2 ways to skin that cat. It's making light of a sick aspect of our culture. Done right, you can make fun of sickness. But this isn't done right.

"Domestic Goddess"? Eh, not so bad. That could just mean you're hot, have a nice house and are a badass cook (man or woman). There's no "stay home" imperative in that (at least it's easily possible to read it without the imperative). You can be those things and still have a career or outside life or whatever (you'd be busy as fuck though).

In other words, I'm a dad with a career and outside interests and I'm still kind of a domestic god (i.e. good cook, clean up a lot, care about home decor, fix things, house proud). Although I do it in my underwear so i might be more of a domestic minor deity.

I am still working on trying to understand the point of view from which someone can want to participate in a cultural practice of women painting themselves with artificial colors in order to look better or feel beter about themselves - but simultaneously feels deeply angry that the artificial colors have packaging that suggests that superficial characteristics of women might be important to their social worth or sense of self.

If you want to wear makeup and nail polish, you are free to do so. Although I tend to think that doing so is not usually very helpful to most women in their Escape From Patriarchy. But I have to say, complaining about the antifeminist names of your cosmetic colors causes a lot of cognitive dissonance for this reader.

I find this stuff more offensive than ever given that most of the guys I know these days can't even tell you what to do with a tire jack. When shit breaks in my house, my husband and I just kick at it and hope that works.

Marketing's stuck in the 50s while the difference between genders in terms of interests and abilities has completely evolved.

@26: exactly: the men's line of nail polish would logically include:

"Stop Kidding yourself and just shave it all" Bald-Beige
"suck up to the boss because you must provide for your family" Nose-Brown
"I can take it, I can take it ALL" Pain-Red
"get rid of all that uncouth body hair you ape" Freakshow-Black
"I'll never be as good a dad as a TV sitcom" Sickly-Green
"Someday I'll have pecs like Daniel Craig" Notlikely-Clearcoat
"feign confidence" CrossingFingers-Purple
"Boys aren't allowed to love the color pink or dolls unless they're gay" PFLAG-Pink

and let's not forget that classic, the men's equivalent to 'Madonna/Whore' ComeFuckMe-Red...

"Emotions are for sissies" Boys-Don't-Cry-Blue

@33 wasn't there something as well linking it to something more primal; i.e. red nails in nature mean either a fresh kill or successfully defense - ergo, men being suckers for visuals; they ate it right up as a link to a good mate?

@73, try to think of makeup not as something required to make one feel better/prettier, and instead think of it as a mode of expression, much like clothing or hairstyle or body art. It's just body art. I like to think of each fingernail as a tiny canvas. If anything, I use them to show off my superior nail art skills, and I suppose that does make me feel better about myself, but not in the way you are thinking.

Having the name of the color in erm .. the name of the color would be helpful. I guess it is intended to be post-sarcastically ironic or some such thing. I'm still looking for "Hey tranny, this will make your big flapping man-hands look smaller", but so far have searched in vain.

@69

uh gee, thanks dude...

@77 thanks - that is illuminating.

Nobody needs MY approval to wear their cosmetics of choice, thank goodness. Something that I think is interesting about the cosmetics as body art idea is that it is largely an art form limited to heteronormative females. Piercings and tattoos as general categories don't really have gender role associations, but cosmetics really do. I encourage women to think hard about the sociocultural origin of cosmetic traditions - they are ALL intended to create a look that appeals to certain stereotypes about young and attractive females. I have to ask, if you are not doing it for the men or women around you to find you attractive, if you are doing it because you personally like it - WHY do you like it?

(and as an aside, it takes a large amount of time over the course of years, and is expensive and bad for your skin no matter how fancy your products. Is it really worth it? you are already beautiful.)

Personally I find women (and men) with makeup on kind of repellent; but obviously people should not take that into consideration when making their fashion choices, since I am totally capable of respecting and loving them as people anyways.

@81, I'd argue that piercings are, at least in Western culture, a typically feminine attribute (remember when guys with pierced ears were automatically gay?) and that tattoos have been traditionally seen as un-feminine. In fact, my tattooist said recently that he's noticed more and more women coming in to get larger pieces, instead of choosing something small from the book, as it's become more socially acceptable for "normal" women to have tattoos.

Why do I love painting my nails? Oh man, it's just so fun. It's fun to do, it's fun to look at, and it's fun to make all my DQs jealous of my fab manicures.
Scope this masterpiece:
https://www.facebook.com/photo.php?fbid=…

#81, I agree with you. I wear make up and dress up because I enjoy doing so and I enjoy the attention I receive from others for looking good. And as a professional, I am also aware that attractive, well-groomed women are more likely to advance in their careers, and I certainly see that reflected in my company. And I am more likely to find an attractive, successful mate, etc...

Society has expectations about what is attractive/acceptable for both genders but it is much harder to keep up with these for women because their looks are scrutinized to the extreme. I conform to these expectations because the rewards I receive for it are, to me, worth it.

It is a problematic issue.

@67: Interesting; SpaRitual managed to keep its parentage pretty well hidden.

Re the chemicals, that much I did know, though I appreciate your providing more details -- it's good for people to know.

It's true that wet N wild is cruelty-free (and super cheap). However, many of its nail polishes do contain carmine. The difference is easy to explain; animal testing is expensive (so the cheap brand doesn't do it), but carmine is the cheapest red available (so the cheap brand does use it). So if that's something that's important to you, then spending the money for a vegan brand is actually worthwhile.

inb4: "OMG YOU MUST BE ON YOUR PERIOD!! TAKE SOME MIDOL & RELAX YOU HORMONAL BITCH!"
Seriously, I'm on the fence about this. I rarely look at the name of the polishes I choose.. I'm in it for the color, baby! Yeah, I hate being marketed to as though I am some self-hating, ambition-less, dingbat because honestly it has gotten to me more than once.. fad diets & exercises, counting every single calorie, worrying about my appearance to the point that it makes everyday suck, freaking out because I call a 4-way lug a tire iron then I feel like a ditz, dying my hair brown when I am a blonde to escape the dumb blonde jokes every time I say/do something ditzy, not raising my voice to defend myself out of fear of being called HYSTERICAL, or MENSTRUAL.
But on the other side of the coin I have the panic that I should be doing a million things at once because I am a stay-at-home wife/mom/college student & I don't want to be perceived as lazy or stereotypical "domestic goddess" because I don't have a paying job & therefore I am doing a disservice to my gender, or not getting up in arms because something doesn't offend me because I have a vagina.
Fuck the hype (from both sides)
I am my own standard of beauty, brains & badassery.