Viagra. +Condom.

a million years ago in high school, my then boyfriend told me that any guy who says that is really saying "I'm a douche and I don't care about you" don't sleep with him. wise words from a 17 yo boy.

He might be telling the truth but it's no excuse. You can train yourself to keep a boner with a condom on.

Ha ha. DTMFA. He's either lying or the state of his erection is so precious and tenuous that he might some other issues and crap he's not telling you about.

(braces for the slap) It's one thing to SAY that, though saying it that way sort of implies that it isn't true. LW says they're "with" a man, not "just met" a man - if the guy is otherwise nice, respectful, and a good, kind, fellow to be taken at his word, maybe you could, you know, give him the benefit of the doubt and TRY IT OUT to see if it's true (after assuring him it's fine if it is). At that point, you could try female condoms, or other techniques to try to overcome the problem.

Or, I guess, you could ditch the guy for having erectile dysfunction. Your call.

I've never bought this line and she shouldn't either. What he's really saying is "I don't care about your safety, or my own, as much as I do about my own pleasure". Do you think that attitude is only confined to sex?

@5 Erectile dysfunction from a physical cause would entail not being able to achieve or maintain an erection in many situations not just one. For that there is viagra/cialis/etc. and for a psychological hangup there is working through it instead of putting your partner at risk. In other words, there are options other than not respecting the health of your partner.

@5 Would you really classify that as erectile dysfunction, though?
Working on inferences here, he's presumably hard enough to do the deed but goes soft in the act of putting the "raincoat on his gentleman". This could probably be fixed, but from the letter I am again inferring that he's unwilling. If that's the case, this might be a deal breaker for her, as it probably (as shallow as this may seem) would be for me.

But again, hypotheticals.

@8, beat me to it and said it better.

@2 on permanent replay.

This would be a red flag for me, but if you really want to sleep with him, and you want to give him the benefit of the doubt, here's a test: put the condom on yourself, either while you're blowing him or when you're 69ing. If he can't sustain an erection while you're licking his balls, he's probably telling the truth.

@13- while she's at it, she could possibly try playing around with some different sizes of condoms. Maybe he isn't wearing the right size and hasn't found one that can be comfortably put on pre-coitus without some difficulty.

I agree with everyone who's said he's a self-centered prick who only cares about his own pleasure. Tell him his right hand doesn't care whether he wears a condom - have at it. No need for further discussion.

#2 ftw!

Never had that problem myself. But if he does in fact start to lose his stiffy while putting on the condom, just play with his dick until it comes back. Problem solved.

Oh yeah, in Dan's advice he forgot to refer to the female condoms as "trash can liners".

Guys, calm down. You're assuming this guy is a jerk but he really might not be. The letter doesn't give enough information. It totally depends on the tone and other context, which we don't have.

I had a brief fling (not even a fling really, more of a release of sexual tension a couple of times) with a friend who also had this problem. He was apologetic about it. He wasn't trying to trick me. We used a condom, and yes, there was a clear difference in his ability to maintain his erection after he put it on. The second of the two times we had sex we did not use a condom, and he was fine.

This was a real problem for him. He didn't want to be the asshole who refuses to use a condom. Hell, he didn't want to not use a condom, period. He was so excited when he found a condom that was better for him (Inspiral). Not perfect, but better.

Maybe there are "training" things he could have done, but this was a long time ago, and neither of us had heard of such things. It's easy for people who have been active for years in educating themselves about all things sexual (e.g. most slog readers) to say "but there are ways to fix that, so he's just a jerk for not doing them!" The fact is, we don't know this guy's attitude, we don't know what he wants, we don't know what he knows to try, and we don't know what he's already tried.

So, go ahead and make suggestions, but don't act like you know a damn thing about this guy because you don't.

I dated a guy for whom this was true. He never had any trouble keeping it up until it came to putting on a condom. It was super annoying. So yeah, this is a real problem, but it's still rooted in the guy's dislike for condoms, which he would grow up and get over if he actually cared about you.

Sorry to break up this Libfest, but condom sex and real sex aren't the same thing any more than window shopping is the same as actually buying stuff.

Less than 30 words to condemn this guy to dicketry and douchebaggery. There's more to this story. If this chick is savvy enough to not say 'Oh OK, honey. It's OK, we'll skip the condom' she's savvy enough to know the other options. Hell, my 14 year old daughter knows what options are available.

I'm just not sure what I think of this. I hate condoms, haven't had one inside me in more than 20 years. I won't have sex with a condom. Fortunately, I've been married forever so I don't have to.

I'm guessing almost every guy has lost an erection at some point while trying to put on a condom. I would have lost my virginity a whole year earlier did but for this exact scenario.

Dude just needs some woman who will patiently bear with him until he relaxes and figures the condom thing out.

@23- so I guess that means I'm still a virgin. Yay!

Condoms always made me lose my erection before I figured out I was strangling my dick with regular size condoms. For some people, proper fit is an issue, just like shoes.

@23: thanks for that valuable bit of info; no having any kind of sex with another living person dude...

Look, the Agendists always want to minimize the details of hetero sex. Hence, hey, you can put it anywhere and wrap it in a tarp...doesn't matter.

Except it does! The pussy is an organ specifically designed for the penis and that includes a host of lubricants and muscles and other stuff that people are not willing to discuss. While the penis gets talked about night and day to the last inch, no one goes around and analyzes all the various aspects of the kitty...most of which are completely neutralized by the wrapper.

@29, you have a valid point in there. "Agendists". lolz.

I don't think it's anyone wanting to minimize the details of anything. I think what it is is that this chick wants to fuck this guy while minimizing the risk of getting pregnant and getting an STI. So if this dude is not wanting to wear a condom and saying "absolutely not" it probably isn't worth having "real sex".

Viagra seems like a good option. Female condom not so good, but worth a try, I suppose. If women expect a guy to wear a condom, they ought to at least assume that obligation once themselves.

For some guys, this is a line. For many others, it is a real problem. Not sure why some of you are so quick to throw the poor guy into the former category. It seems to me that there really isn't enough information to make that kind of judgment with any sort of integrity.

@6: I've never bought this line and she shouldn't either.

You're right - if a guy fesses up to having this problem, he's trying to oppress you. I mean come on, what's the difference between latex and pussy?

@8: So you're saying viagra and cialis don't work for psychological problems? Is this in reference to your personal experience with your penis? Or are you just making shit up?

It's kind of like when a girl (me: n=1 in this scenario) is on the way to coming and something distracts her (me).

I tend to need some windup - and the more turned on I get, the more intense speed/motion/slamming I can get pleasure from.

If he's 80% there, and something distracts me I'm suddenly back at square 1 and the rhythm and impact goes from incredibly sexy to neutral/uncomfortable. I equate this with losing a boner.

I have three options as I see it:

1) accept that it's not happening for me this time and just focus on his pleasure (keep movin, keep fingers on clit, avoid passive aggressive victim starfish vibes)
2) massively put on the brakes and/or ask him to get out and help re-lay the road
3) shut the vag down and get him off some other way (hand/mouth/boobs) and wait for round two/next time, captain planet.

Take responsibility for your own deal, as well as realising that youve got some responsibility to the other person in the room.

Suddenly flaccid dick in dickwrapper? Leave it on and get to work. Few women are going to complain about being made crazy with foreplay. If getting her off doesn't get you off (or at least back up again) then your problem isn't condoms. If you lose the boner again, rinse and repeat. How many rounds before you blueball condition yourself out of that dickshyness?

Nobody loves condoms. Women also wouldn't prefer condom sex if they had the choice. It does feel a little different (a little less hot temperature-wise, a little less of the exact-right friction, - and no, sexy ridges and heat lotions on condoms don't replicate the real thing). But since the man is the one injecting bodily fluid directly into the woman's body, she's at a lot more risk than he is. I don't think guys are jerks for trying to avoid condoms, if she's consensual, they're just stupid and selfish (and she's just stupid, and probably trying too hard to rock his world). The temptation to go without is mutual. Condoms don't take THAT much away from it, but just a little bit in the heat of the moment that is a bit sucky. Discipline is hard. People in monogamous relationships are very lucky.

Another option which Dan omitted is helping this guy become conditioned to keeping an erection while having a condom on. I've been having sex with condoms for a long time now, but there are still times when my erection completely disappears as soon as the condom touches the tip of my dick.

...

@31 "If women expect a guy to wear a condom, they ought to at least assume that obligation once themselves."

Because having a condom scraping in and out of our most sensitive tissues is a treat. (also female condoms have a 21% higher failure rate)

But hey, why don't you guys try hormonal bc some time? You know, assume that obligation for once.

@36: People in monogamous relationships are very lucky.

Not necessarily. Some of us are married to women who no longer wish to take hormonal birth control, in which case it's nothing but condoms.

@31: "If women expect a guy to wear a condom, they ought to at least assume that obligation once themselves".

When you understand what a hassle (and expense) birth control can be for women, it's easier to understand why they might get impatient with a guy who seems unwilling to learn how to manage a condom. That said, I can totally understand why a guy might have this problem. I think one reason some people are impatient with the LW's man is that she is the one trying to solve the problem -- it gives the impression that he just said, nope, condoms don't work for me, and then left her to figure out other options. Clearly, not using a condom is not an option, so they both should be taking responsibility for finding a solution. And if he plans on having an active sex life and avoid STDs and pregnancies, he's going to have to figure something out for himself eventually.

It's not that uncommon for men (especially as you get a bit older) to have problems with condoms. That said - there are things you can do to manage the problem - people have made good suggestions.

@39, that is a drag. I've gone off the pill before, and my partner didn't really mind the condoms, but I could definitely do without them. Still, better than gettin' pregnant, I guess.

All you guys pontificating on how NASTY condoms are: we get it. Condoms aren't a treat for us, either. BUT THAT DOESN'T MEAN WE'LL THROW CAUTION TO THE WIND, EITHER.

If it's that important to you to stick your dick into god knows what, then find someone else willing to let you. For my part, I'll find someone willing to wrap up. You take your risks; I'll take mine.

Oh sh*t, I just realized kersy responded to that same statement just before I did. I wasn't going for a feminist pile-on, guys, I swear!

@44: Ya know, the idea of it used to upset me, but the reality of it is not so bad. We use the timing method (conservatively) so I still get a little bareback action, so it's not like I have to face a future in which my dick will never touch pussy ever again. Now that I'm used to condoms, however, they're actually ok. In fact, I often come harder wearing one, I think because I have to fuck a little longer and harder to get there.

Try bigger condoms. In sex ed they said condoms are one size fits all, but it's not true.

Lots of give and take here about condoms, plus lots of assumptions about the characters involved in such a short letter (which is why, Dan, even though it is sweet'n'short, it is insufficient for character judgment...).

Most people go with the 'he's an asshole' interpretation, probbaly because of incidents from their own life. Since I've had interactions with both boy and girl assholes (figuratively speaking), I'll say don't assume.

Dan's advice is OK; it's just that, from his automatic character assessement (the guy is the asshole -- a definite possibility, but not a certainty), he left out the 'try to train him to wear a condom' possibility.

Personally, I quite dislike condoms, so I did have to train myself to wear them. It took a while, not so much because 'it's so difficult' (though it did happen to me to lose my erection while trying to put it on, I'd say about 40% of the time) but because I was never that interested in penetration to begin with, so doing other things instead was a good alternative to condoms for me. But eventually I learned to feel well in them.

But it did take a while. Not knowing whether or not this guy is willing to do that, I can't tell if he's the asshole or not. Maybe she is. Maybe neither of them is. Dan, leave all channels open by suggesting attempting to train him as a viable option. Maybe he'd be OK with that.

Clearly. GOM should go with option B: Other guys.

@42 Easy for you to say, never having taken it. But I appreciate your offer. I'm just not exactly sympathetic to men suggesting women need to "assume the obligation" when they have been since menarche. Not to mention, men get vasectomies at a very low rate in comparison to women getting their tubes tied (which is a much more serious and permanent surgery).

@46 PILE ON!

@51: "I'm just not exactly sympathetic to men"

So I've noticed.

@47, yep, it's totally the idea of it. When I was a teenager condoms were sexy because, whoo, I'm sophisticated, I use condoms and have sex! Now, they make sex feel kinda routine... You know when condoms are awesome, though? In the back seat of a car, or in a camper van. No mess, and yet it always feels a bit mischievous. That's something I could do more often, now that I think of it.

@51: Too tired! You all have fun, though. I'm off to bed to dream about getting it on in the back seat with a hot, clumsy, eager guy and some condoms...

I am currently dating a guy who somewhat had this problem. Basically, when we first got together it just really wasn't working out with condoms for very long and he legitimately could not keep an erection most of the time with one.

Luckily, he wasn't a giant douche. Was totally willing to do tons of other things while we got more comfortable with each other and figured it out. We both got tested and I ended up getting an IUD, which is awesome.

My question would be, is he willing to wait a bit and stick around to figure it out or is he just pressuring you to not use a condom when you don't know him that well?

@39 That's why I went with a non-hormonal IUD, so completely amazing.

Demand a demonstration.

@39 - get her to check out the persona.. she pees on a stick 8 days a month and it measures her hormones to say if she's fertile or not, green days, go ahead and have unprotected piv sex, red days, make sure you finish elsewhere ;0) we ignore the 'don't have vaginal sex at all on red days' instruction as my guy has good self control so we move to a new venue when he gets close (typically my ass, which fortunately we both thoroughly enjoy).. 4 years without hormonal birth control, condoms or babies so far :0) costs about £8 per month, plus ~£60 to buy the persona machine itself, but given I have to use expensive non latex condoms if i do use them that's still a saving and much much more pleasant for all concerned :0)

Regarding bigger/wider condoms, There's a website somewhere that has the dimensions and profiles of lots of brands of condoms, so a guy can find a better fit for his dick size and shape.

Just one more thing: it may not be the size of the condoms, but what they're made of. I tried Durex condoms a while back, and it was like wrapping my dick in duct tape - no sensation at all. Durex is also the only condom I've ever used in my life that broke during normal sex. Never again.

I think part of the problem might be the time and concentration it takes to get the condom box out of the drawer, the wrapper out of the box, the condom out of the wrapper, etc. Just try getting the condom ready before you start foreplay, and then it will be ready, "at hand" (pardon the pun) and on in a flash.

Worth a try.

If he cannot wear condoms, frak him, make him take drugs, clearly he is trying to oppress his partners, god hates non-condom users.

The comments here sound like a twisted look inside the Westboro Baptist Church. You should all be ashamed of yourselves.

I hope this guy finds a decent partner who works with him and is GGG.

@59 has a point about Durex. I thought they were like fucking the Michelin Man.

If you're on antidepressants, you might be surprised to find how utterly changed your libido may become, as a man at least. This all assumes the individual in question is even on antidepressants, which is admittedly a stretch, but I can nevertheless add something if this is the case.

I never had difficulty maintaining an erection with a condom; I just could not fucking ejaculate that way. So I've gone to oral sex or masturbation as the consequence of vaginal intercourse.

Vis a vis female condoms,

A guy that had tried one likened it to fucking inside a sandwich bag. So get some, use them, and then see if he isn't willing to try more male condom options.

Peace.

Condoms DO suck, but getting HIV (or any other STI out there) sucks FAR more.

There should be a commercial opportunity for some one to put together a "sizing package".

I haven't used condoms in a long time, so if STD resistance isn't the first consideration, how about Lambskins? Given my latex intolerant skin, and the short time we "weren't trying" after my wife came off the pill, they weren't bad.

Peace.

To all the men complaining: lose your male sexual privilege. You don't want to or can't wear condoms? Fine. Cool. You don't have to do so. Of course, you also don't have any sort of right or reasonable expectation of being able to fuck any given woman (or man, or other) on your own terms and only your own terms. Find partners who are not concerned about pregnancy or STIs and fuck them, or find a stable long-term partner with whom you can build up mutual trust to the point where you're both comfortable going condom-free (and have sex that doesn't involve PIV intercourse in the interim). Do not try to pressure/cajole/coerce/force people who do want to use condoms to fuck you without them. Get the fuck over yourselves: no one has a right to partnered sexual activity on any but mutually-agreeable terms. Read comment #35: she's right on the money.

@64 - I'm told version 2 of the female condom is better than the first version. Might be worth a try.

@67: Wow, John, you really kicked the shit out of that privileged straw man!

Fascinating how we turn a sexual dysfunction (losing an erection with a condom) into a character flaw (sexist douche bag). It's the same kind of logic that dismisses non-orgasmic women as "frigid."

Wow, way to miss an excellent teachable moment, Dan.

I totally agree with @40. Learn to eroticize condoms. Masturbate with them. Try new shapes, like Inspiral or condoms with a bulbous head.

C'mon, Dan... this is HIV prevention 101.

I'm amazed at how judgmental some of the female commenters here are. Condoms work by forming a tight seal that keeps outside fluids from reaching the penis, and vice versa. To do that, it necessarily has to constrict the penis. Erections are maintained by blood flow. A condom can affect the flow of blood to the penis. That's a fact, not evidence of "erectile dysfunction."

Just to follow that up with an example: I have a pretty thick penis. For years, putting a condom would quickly cut off blood flow to my penis and cause me to lose my erection. I eventually realized that I needed large-size condoms, and my problem was solved. I didn't have erectile dysfunction, and I certainly didn't have a disregard for the sexual health of my partners--I just had condoms that didn't fit me.

@61(Kylerie) and @67(Mr Horston): you are good examples of the two extremes in this spectrum of assumptions (without the LW actually having justified any of them) that sort of shows what your political inclinations lie.

Kylerie thinks we're all mean if we even suggest the possibility that the guy might be the asshole in this couple. And Mr Horston won't even entertain the possibility that the girl might be playing the asshole role. And each side talks about how bad the other side is ('you're privileged males oppressing women!' 'no, you're lofty feminists who just want to emasculate/oppress/stereotype men!')

Blah.

Life is always case-by-case. I don't know if one of the two people involved is being an asshole or not -- hey, maybe both of them are good people. Or maybe both are assholes. Why exclude these possibilities?

Which is why I'd take all viewpoints, make the suggestions Dan made, but add a few suggestions for the case he left out -- i.e., if the guy really has a problem keeping an erection while wearing a condom and wants to change that, what should he do? -- like the ones several other commenters here have made.

@67 "lose your male sexual privilege"

Gag.

@64 Thanks for the shout out! I am sort of obsessed with female condoms, I guess, because of their raging unsexiness. I mean a flesh-colored, like, bag is hanging out your vag.

If, like me, you're excessively interested in this, here are three more posts, two on the female condom and one on another undesireable-sounding form of contraception, the bikini condom (aka "the vaginal pouch"--ack!):

http://inbedwithmarriedwomen.blogspot.co…
http://inbedwithmarriedwomen.blogspot.co…
http://inbedwithmarriedwomen.blogspot.co…

enjoy?
jill

I think it's easy to jump to the "The guy's a douche" conclusion, because there's a world of difference between:

"I can't keep an erection with a condom SO SLEEP WITH ME WITHOUT ONE!"

and

"Arrrghhh! I can't keep an erection without a condom...what do we do??"

I think LW's entire letter would have been framed differently in the latter case. Still, not a bad point to raise (which many people immediately did) but those of you hyperventilating at all the Big Bad Mean People calling him a douche.... *****sigh*****

I've seen MANY examples of douchey guys, and MANY examples of girls going along with it b/c of pressure, lack of knowledge, lack of confidence in pushing back, etc. I don't know how old LW is, but as far as I am concerned, alerting her to the very real possibility ("oh, no -- he loooooooooooves me") that he's simply being a dick is essential. I've seen that be an eye opener for far too many young women.

My god, people (seandr, SROTU, etc)! Why are you making this some sort of battle between the sexes? No one here who dissed guys who dislike condoms called them sexist. None of them brought up feminism. You're complaining about people in a "Libfest" when they aren't speaking politically at all! You sound like a couple of over-sensitive idiots talking about feminazis or some crap!

True, the guy shouldn't be judged so quickly. But when in the history of this column have the commenters not been knee-jerkingly judgmental? Why is it suddenly about feminism in your minds? Do you heap on the whiny scorn any time a female person sticks up for herself?

As for the douchery or sympathetic dude matter, the writer said "refuses" not "really struggles with."

To add to the tips for dealing with condoms, open the edge of the package before things get underway, have her help in putting it on so it doesn't feel like a disruption of all foreplay, don't just put it on slam on in, stroke, play, whatever, and consider putting a dab of lube on the tip of the guy's cock before putting the condom over it.

I don't let a guy do that awkward thing where he rolls away, struggles with the wrapper and puts it on by his lonesome... it turns me off, introduces awkwardness/impatience and just plain isn't playful.

So, yeah, there are means to manage it. And of fucking course it's not as good! But "refusing" means you run the risk of a sensible person also "refusing" to fuck you. I'm so STD-phobic that I lose interest rapidly when a guy "refuses" condoms or goes on an extended rant about them because I start adding in my head all the partners he's had.

ankyilosaur,

I do not assume anything, nor do I represent either extreme, I merely find the first-semester-womens-studies level of ignorance on many of these responses to be appalling.

Dan should have gotten a letter from the male asking for help about his issue, it would have been a great column, instead of dead horse beating and ignorance. If they guy has a legitimate issue he needs to DTMFA, and if the sheep are right and he is BSing to not use a condom, she needs to DTFMA.

@85 What first semester women's studies?

Did someone mention the male gaze? Or the membership of women of color in second wave feminism? Or the recent writings of Judith Butler? Or the raging debate and divide about sex work within women's studies? Or the effects of gender policing and rigidity on children's development? Or the history of domestic violence and whether or not larger societal institutions would address it in a given historical moment? Or whether or not women can appear in public, or vote, or own property in a given society? Or the effect of day care and parental policies on the qualities of families' lives?

Please show me how some folks presuming this guy a selfish dude means those folks are wading through academic feminism. They may be jumping to conclusions or lacking sympathy, but that is only "feminist" to limited knee-jerk asshats who don't know jack about actual feminism save the kind of hateful smear-mongering propagated by the likes of Rush Limbaugh.

@52 You poor things.

@88: She should be uncompromising on this issue. She's not at a point in this relationship where she wants to go without protection, and he's pressuring her without offering any other options. If she added more context, we'd have more to go on. But you assume a fuckton ,and I'm not going to worry about all fictional situations currently unmentioned.

@80: Why are you making this some sort of battle between the sexes?

What comment thread are you reading?

My point is simply that condoms make some men boner shy, and that doesn't make them assholes, contrary to what some of the women (and John "male sexual privilege" Horstman) have ignorantly and emphatically stated.

@87: "You poor things."

Come on now, I can tell you're faking it.

@77 Hi!

For some weird reason, I'd love to try one of the female condoms, just because.

HOWEVER, there is no way I'd dare to try because, frankly, it isn't my vagina that the thing would be in and I could do without the "you want to put WHAT in me?" conversation. That and wanting to try contraception when we don't need it anymore kind of sends the wrong message.

Peace.

(The diaphragm experience I had with one of my girlfriends wasn't all that great either.)

@91: Okay, I've got to jump in and defend this guy. There is no evidence whatsoever of attitude in the letter, let alone "a whiny, juvenile, privileged and irresponsible attitude". According to the LW, he "says that putting on a condom will make him lose his erection". That's it. And a number of male commenters have pointed out that this is a real problem, that may have a number of causes that have nothing to do with selfishness. That's not to say he isn't selfish -- some guys are -- but there's no evidence that he is. Having heard what other guys have shared about dealing with this problem, it no longer makes sense to me to jump to conclusions about this guy (not even the way I did @41).

A lot of options besides Viagra and DTMFA have been suggested in this thread. I would suggest the LW start with those, and wish her and her partner the best of luck in finding a solution that works for them.

First, as others have said, because the letter is so short, we don't know the whole story of why the guy says he has a problem. Yeah, it could be an attempt to get away without using a condom, but it could also be an explanation of his reality.

I have two possibly inter-related issues with condoms. I suffer from retarded ejaculation. It takes forever for me to come. It always has. Also, it appears that I'm just not as sensitive as other guys. However, I will always be safe. The fear of infection shrinks my dick faster than a condom.

So, yeah, putting on a condom often causes me to go soft. I know from experience that I'm not going to feel anything, so there's no point in fucking. It's as if the nerves have been disconnected. I can't even tell whether I'm in.
Note that I have no problem staying hard for as long as it takes with oral.

I make it a habit to tell my partner in advance so that he won't think it's his problem that I may not stay hard, and that I probably won't come. It's so much easier to accept the explanation up front than to believe it after the fact.

@19 Thanks for the tip. I have not tried the inspiral condom, but have tried some with extra looseness at the head (eg, Durex Love) without much success.

I gave the Female Condom several tries. I prefer the term Manhole Cover. LOL I understand the FC2 which is nitrile rubber (instead of polyurethane) is not so noisy. Now, the noise didn't bother me, but installation is tedious and the visual image is not appealing. The major problem I have with them is that you need to stay inside once you get there. If you like to pull out and slam back in, the chances of missing the hole are pretty bad. Also, even though there is more sensation (for the top), if I really start to feel something, I worry that I've missed the liner. Checking to make sure is a buzz kill too.

To date, the best is Crown Skinless Skin which is available from Amazon for so cheap that I often give a few to my partners for later.

Yes, I've tried some of the suggested training exercises and had very little success.

I don't want to start a battle of the sexes, but when women say they don't buy the line and that it's just an excuse, I have to turn that around and ask them to talk with their sisters who cannot orgasm from being fucked. It's the whole what's-wrong-with-you shoe on the other foot. Of course, there are douchebags out there, but some men really do have this problem.

I am not willing to risk the side effects of ED drugs to stay hard. Things are slowly getting better and I hope they will continue to improve.

While I certainly don't recommend this is as solution for everyone, there is one thing I find that helps--developing a mindset of hyper masculinity or dominance brought on and maintained by verbal play and/or BDSM.

As others have advised the LW, work with him to find what works, but stay safe or dump him.

@94: "@92 We did ultimately try a diaphragm, because yes, she noticed it was an issue. I was very grateful, but it also felt very weird ramming into it, and it kind of hurt. I didn't have the heart to tell her, but I did eventually let on that I could feel it."

Do you think women aren't also made uncomfortable by contraceptives? You're really not making yourself look like less of a dick.

Regardless of gender or orientation, the person who refuses to use condoms (or any kind of STI/bc prophylactic) and still insists on sex when their partner requires them is an asshole and should not be fucked.

Granted, the letter writer doesn't say that her partner *insists* on sex without condoms nor does she say he *refuses*; only that he says he can't keep a boner while wearing one--whether or not he is a douche, at this point, is up to whether or not he still insists on sex without condoms.

She asks for other options, which is where this gets sticky--there really aren't any except to say: check out different-sized condoms, masturbation-train with condoms, have sexual contact in ways other than PIV or PIA (though I'd be careful about oral these days, too: no, thanks, oral cancer!), or get comprehensive STI testing together prior to sex and then again every 3-6 months, depending on the relationship. Trust is obviously a big issue here. People lie. Some would rather not take a chance. Respect.

However, I've had enough experiences with dudes who should otherwise be hip to the scene (scientists, doctors) that insist it's FINE not to use condoms and that they should know THEY'RE A SCIENTIST/DOCTOR, that it needs to be said: if you require a condom and your partner tries to blow it off, you don't have to acquiesce! That person is a jerkoff! Do not fuck that person!

@67. I'm with you. Actually, 67 is exactly the kind of person I would LOVE to fuck. Reasonable. Understands things are not zero-sum. Understands the cultural baggage and inequities of sexual negotiations between men and women/the genders.

Not a fuckhead douchetard.

This is exactly the reason I won't fuck Republicans. Why should I trust someone who only has regard for their own well-being and no consideration for my own, especially re: sexual health and reproductive planning SPECIFICALLY because women are far more susceptible to contracting STIs than are men? (if he doesn't get that, he's probably a Republican, LOL, amirite? jokes, sort of.)

What 67 so aptly delineated needs restating, with a bit of emphasis this time:

"To all the men complaining: lose your male sexual privilege. You don't want to or can't wear condoms? Fine. Cool. You don't have to do so.
[YOU DON'T HAVE TO! No, really. NO ONE IS FORCING YOU TO WEAR CONDOMS IF YOU DON'T WANT TO! OH, WAIT, YOU WANT TO GET LAID? AND YOUR PARTNER REQUIRES CONDOMS? SIGH AND HUFF AND PUFF, BUT I BET YOU PUT THE RAINCOAT ON, DONTCHA? WAIT, WHAT'S THAT? YOU COERCE YOUR PARTNER TO FUCK WITHOUT ONE? MY, AREN'T YOU AN ASSHOLE?]
Of course, you also don't have any sort of right or reasonable expectation of being able to fuck any given woman (or man, or other) on your own terms and only your own terms."

Again, for effect:
"You don't have any sort of right or reasonable expectation of being [allowed] to fuck any given woman (or man, or other) on your own terms and only your own terms."

Allowed. Consent. Mutual. Get it?

That's the douchey bit, expecting sex when the other person's needs aren't being met.

Care more about your cock than my health and well-being in regard to said cock? Buh-bye. No fucktimes for you. Period. End of story. Get over it, penis-havers.

@46: "I wasn't going for a feminist pile-on, guys, I swear!" I don't understand this. I'm with Kersy. What, they can't handle it? Wank-wank, wah-wah.

@97, I said that because it's just so predictable what's going to happen when the pile-on begins, whether feminist or anti-feminist. No one's mind is changed. I guarantee no one who's not already on your side was convinced by your all-caps rant. And I'm just tired of it.

Please see my post @93. That's what I believe this post is about. There never was anything sexist about it, and it seems pointless to construct straw men just for the sake of arguing about what assholes/bitches some people can be in a thread about male sexual dysfunction. But go ahead if you want to; do whatever you like. Just leave me out of it.

@98: "I said that because it's just so predictable what's going to happen when the pile-on begins, whether feminist or anti-feminist. No one's mind is changed. I guarantee no one who's not already on your side was convinced by your all-caps rant. And I'm just tired of it."

Pre-emptively attempting to snowball the thread into uselessness through taunts and riling people up sure is constructive.