It always amazes me how some men refuse to bottom, even once or twice, because it's too uncomfortable, too tight or I'm not letting nothin get up in there ...(??)

AS IF it's "comfortable" for other guys (and girls) who bottom and take dicks?? Sheeeyat.

It's about relaxing, psyching yourself out and training your ass to do something different...for everyone who does it!!! It's sad to me that even some gay/bi guys are hung up on equating masculinity with their assholes. Get over yourself.

I used to think I was just a top, because bottoming was just painful/uncomfortable. But then I met a guy that took his time, was patient and gentle. I realized that I'm very, very versatile. I have not doubt there are some men who just don't get pleasure from bottoming, and BTM's beau might be one of those. But there's a huge psychological hurdle one most overcome to enjoy being penetrated. Once that is overcome, many strictly tops will see the light.
@1 For some it's very comfortable, easy and thoroughly enjoyable. I say use your tongue first. That should change his mind.
What a nice headline you wrote there.
I actually was told by one 100%-Top that he "couldn't" get fucked, as though he'd been stitched shut or something. It wasn't my peen that was interested in getting into his ass, we were just having a conversation about the fact that his boyfriend got fucked every time and the bf's reward was to get sucked off. That's bullshit. Word to the 100%-Top: Yes, you can get fucked and yes, at first it can be pretty uncomfortable, especially if you have psych hangups about your masculinity or your mother used to give you an enema three times a week, or whatever. But you're in a relationship now, BF of LW (you are, aren't you?), and you need to accept that in a relationship sometimes the 100%-Top does get fucked. It can't be all one way all the time; if that's your definition of a relationship, you need to rethink your position. Your "100%-Bottom" BF isn't going to brag about it the next time you're out at your favorite watering hole. But I'll bet he can make your next topping a whole hell of a lot better if he gets to top once in a while too. Think about it and then stop being a selfish jerk.
@1, if it hurts (assuming you don't want it to hurt, some people like that) then you're doing it wrong. Other than that, you are absolutely right--it's about training your ass to do something out of the ordinary, until it becomes part of the ordinary.

For me, taking a dick in my ass was about letting go of hang ups and what I was taught was 'normal'. Fuck normal.
I think @3 has it right - patient and gentle. If the guy is willing to consider bottoming, then take it very slow over a few weeks. Start slowly with a well lubed finger up the ass while blowing him to let him start to relax about penetration. If he has an open mind and starts to let himself relax he may just start to like back-door action.
What amazes me is the amount of time wasted on dating guys without discussing the top/bottom issue very early on.
Now, it's fine that there are total tops out there because there are total bottoms out there too. For whatever reason they identify and practice that way. I hope the find each other.

My reaction is either to dump him or tell him that the next time you two have sex, you're topping him, and then see how long it is before he's willing. I applaud Dan for coming up with a possible solution.

What we don't know from the LW (and shouldn't assume) is whether his beau is oral versatile. If not, then I say cut your losses and move on, because the beau wants a one-sided relationship and you don't.
Great common sense suggestions. But why is the idea that someone simply will not like anal sex so alien? Slog can accept a mismatch in a million other acts and kinks but god forbid you be a gay man who doesn't like anal.

I don't like anal sex... either end. Anuses are gross, not sexy. I've never felt selfish for not liking anal sex. In fact the thought never crossed my mind that people might think i was until these responses, just that people for whom that is a deal breaker are a bad match... and it hasn't proved to be a deal breaker very often at all. :p
Hook him up with the "smokin' hot" gaysian dude from the other day. They'll figure it out...
Top/bottom incompatibility is common with us queers- more common than most think. Often, it's just a relationship dynamic, independent of actual physical function. I've played top with some partners and bottom with others, all dependent on the emotional dynamic between the two.
LW should ask himself if his BF/his emotional relationship functions with him as the bottom. Some tops cannot imagine being topped by their BF, yet with another man they're all bottom. Could be insightful beyond the bedroom.
Otherwise, open the relationship or move on- you will never be satisfied and the longer it goes on, the less you will be.
BTM: There are tops, bottoms, and versatiles. Clearly you and your boyfriend failed when you didn't establish clearly what you each prefer. The versatile nazis "selfish" bullshit isn't going to help you make things better. If your boyfriend absolutely doesn't want to bottom, then respect your boyfriend's decision and move on and find someone else if that is a deal breaker for you.
If I said I'd dump anybody who thought along such dreary Top/Bottom lines (indicative in my experience of a Very Tiny Mind Indeed, which is a great deal worse than a micro-you-know-what), it would not be that great an exaggeration. Of course, in this case, as the LW buys into that ghastly way of thinking as well, the couple ought to stay together. Good on Mr Savage for prividing them with a blueprint. I wish them happy enough not to break up, but not so happy that their friends who do not think the way they do will envy them and want what they have.
As a bottom, it was always difficult to find a 100% top, until my current partner of 10 years. Too bad there's not an easier way to hook up vers with other vers. And strictly top or bottoms with their opposites.

Maybe there is now, since I've been with my partner the last 10 years, haven't been playing the field.
gosh it seems if god made you girls innately gay he would make you like anal sex. assuming he wasn't going to give you a vagina...
In a straight relationship, one partner not liking anal is usually not that big a deal; if it's the woman, penetration is still on the table for the guy, vaginally, and if it's the man, well, most women aren't THAT into pegging anyway.

Most people like penetration, though, so one partner in a gay couple not liking anal seems to me like it'd be a bigger deal, and it seems to me like a situation where one might try hard to learn to like receiving, at least sometimes. I mean, I totally understand that there are plenty of gay guys who aren't into anal at all, sure... but it's important to some people, and it IS possible to learn to like new things.

Oral is really nice but sometimes I just really need to fuck, and if I were hooking up with a guy I'd need him to be vers, even though I like bottoming just fine.
Oh, THERE you are, Alleged. I was wondering. 15 comments in and I figured somewhere you must be lying on the floor dead of a stroke while your flashing alarms and blaring klaxons tried to no avail to warn you that someone on the internet was talking about gay sex.
These guys can't be in Seattle - aka "Bottom Town" - where there are so few tops that the chances of them accidentally hooking up and pairing off are just about zero.
I'm straight, and the most I've had in my ass was fingers - which I enjoyed - but if the LW is referring to all types of penetration as "fucking" rather than some terminology with fewer connotations of forceful movement, it might help with his BF's mental reservations. When a woman tells me she wants to be fucked, it's pretty universally understood that this doesn't mean gentle penetration.
@1: It always amazes me how some men refuse to bottom

Yeah, I don't get that either. I can understand having a preference for top or bottom, but ruling out the other role entirely? That just seems stubborn.

Also, does being a top mean you don't get rim jobs either?
As @4 implies, it seems like a slippery slope from rimming to anal sex.
So if a top won't bottom at all, does that mean he gives really good blow jobs? Otherwise, why would someone be in a relationship with him?
@Seandr (re: does being a top mean you don't get rim jobs either?)

...I don't know??? I often ask myself the same question.

From the looks of the porn (I tend to watch) it's a mixed bag. But then again, black gay porn is really heavy on portraying the thuggish 'selfish tops'. So maybe I wouldn't know-lol.
I think it's common for gay guys to go through a process, where topping is easier to do upon coming out because it's the more "masculine" role, and then ease into bottoming once they see how much fun it can be. That's what I did, and now consider myself a total vers.

However, dating a guy who identifies as a total top/bottom can definitely be frustrating, not just sexually bit from a "gender role" point of view. I dated a guy who was a total top, and one of the nails in the coffin of our relationship was his inability to comprehend that just because he was all top didn't mean I was all bottom. One day he made some joke to his friends, at my expense, saying something like "oh, all you bottoms are like that". Um, excuse me?! I think that was the first time I used and understood the phrase "oh, no you di'int!!" The relationship to Mr. Top didn't survive the day.
I think it's a safe bet the answer to Dan's question is no. The LW never considered a nobody-gets-fucked frottage session because, like a lot of people, he thinks sex means somebody ALWAYS has to get fucked and any session that doesn't include that is all foreplay. That's why he complains that he "always" has to get the pipe; in his view, someone must get the pipe each and every time.

Dan's advice is running seriously counter to the LW's worldview, which although widely shared is not as universal as people like the LW think it is.
I too am surprised by the number of people who don't discuss this pretty important issue early on, but then as a mostly-straight dude, I know that I frequently find I don't bring this up with women I'm dating (this being pegging and whether or not she'll 'bottom' for me) right off the bat either. Generally not until we're pretty far along exploring sexually. We're busy seeing if we have other compatibility - life goals, taste in movies, taste in wine, yadda, yadda. I guess we shouldn't be surprised that there are gay dudes who are more interested exploring other aspects of the relationship first, and not just sex! In other words: gay relationships aren't all or even primarily about "perverted sex."
Heck, I know a couple of straight guys who think a finger up the ass is pretty darn awesome, so why not try this route with the boyfriend, just to get things started? But I'm really bothered by the fact that the LW's partner won't even consider doing something that his boyfriend does ALL THE TIME. It just seems controlling and selfish. I mean, shouldn't he at least be making a good-faith effort?
If LW's boyfriend won't even consider working up to occasionally doing something that millions of men really enjoy the LW should DTMFA. If he's totally selfish about this, it's not a good sign for the future. I don't believe the boyfriend really "can't" do it, he just doesn't want to.
"I'm a relationshipped 27-year old gay man."

He makes it sound like he's in jail.
Mr Mehlman (#2), out of sheer coincidence, I've had exactly the same thought you expressed while reading this letter and Dan's comment.

I think over time Dan has been giving more advice about how to solve problems and fewer DTMFAs. I haven't actually tallied the number of DTMFAs over time, but it's my (admittedly imprecise) gut feeling.
@ 1. If somebody finds it uncomfortable to bottom, they do not have to do it. If somebody finds it uncomfortable and wishes to train themselves to like it, they should feel free but it is poor logic to say that because one person chooses to do something uncomfortable everybody else must do the same.
@6: A close friend of mine has Crohn's Disease and has had so many issues with his colorectal region that he really is not able to bottom at all anymore. I don't know if that was the case with the person you knew but there really are some men out there who truly can't bottom.
@33: I have Crohn's and Colitis and it has lead to sexual disfunction. Bottoming has never been something I could do, even though that is the role I am more suited to.
I really don't get the derision being heaped on the guy who professes to be a total top. He's selfish because he knows what he likes? I think the guy asking advice is the selfish one. He knew his "beau" was a total top when he entered into a relationship with him, and now he wants to change him. And to all you folks who are adamant that every gay relationship must involve both guys getting anally penetrated... really? I know plenty of guys who happily self-identify as total top or bottom. Don't project your needs onto the rest of us please. Thanks.
@32 (RE: "it's poor logic to say that because one person chooses to do something uncomfortable everybody else must do the same.")

...Except I never said everybody MUST do the same.

If you're going to check me on my statement, at least be able to demonstrate some reading comprehension. My comment was a criticism, not a mandate. Besides, sex (should be) about give and take...which is what I was really talking about.
I know I'm late to the comments, but here's a question; would the BF care if anal was taken off the menu? How would he feel if the LW said, "I don't want to do anal if you don't bottom too, but we can keep doing oral and other things." Maybe the BF is one of those gay guys who just isn't that into anal (SL has mentioned them before), and he only does the topping because hey, the LW is willing and enjoys it. If it were taken off the table, would he be cool with that, or would he pitch a fit? I think that's an important question before we call him selfish (though it may still make them incompatible).
If he does insist on anal, but refuses to bottom, I would consider him to be like a straight guy who demands blow jobs but says going down on girls is icky/stinky. Try to change his mind, but if it doesn't work, feel free to call him selfish and move on to someone else.
frottage sounds gay

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