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800 Maynard Ave S, Suite 200, Seattle, WA 98134
800 Maynard Ave S, Suite 200, Seattle, WA 98134
Wow.
I'm happy with once every other day, and I'm a gay guy! This guy needs to have a nut removed or something.
It's almost like Dan has had some practice at this stuff.
But yeah, he needs to STFU and be thankful for what he's getting.
Anyway, to your question MBIIH: Yes, his libido is on the Very High side of things. And I think following Dan's advice... to fuck him at least four times A WEEK with a dildo of his own size is a good way to introduce some sexual perspective to him. Another useful tool might be to create & post a chart with days of the week, and make a tick mark every time you two have any sort of sex. That might create an objective indicator for how much sex you actually have. Hopefully addressing his condemnation of "never!"
Speaking as a boy, I've observed (and reflected) that boys can be incredibly blind to other people's reality. Time to create some objective reality-checks.
$50? You can get a cheapo for a lot less that will do even better at getting the point across. Let's not rush things here.
Otherwise, yes this guy is a demanding idiot.
If your boyfriend is really horribly unhappy with what (in his opinion) is too little sex -- if his desire for more is stronger than all he gets from your relationship -- he's certainly entitled to try to find a partner that will give him that (or give him an open relationship). If you are really horribly unhappy with having to satisfy what (in your opinion) are his constant demands for sex, you're certainly entitled to try to find a partner that will give you waht you want -- sex a little less often.
And, who knows? Maybe he will find a hornier girl, or one willing to let him have more girls. And maybe you'll find another partner who wants less sex and will make you happier.
But if you want to stay together and avoid the hassle of looking for other people (which, who knows? may also not work -- he may not find a girl who is hornier than you, or lets him have more girls; and you may not find a guy whose libido more closely matches yours)... then you have to compromise. Negotiate, yield here, take a stand there, re-evaluate your position, show him where he's wrong, accept a deal on this, etc.
Isn't life like this? Whenever you feel unhappy, look around and see what the cause is; then think about what you can do: get rid of the cause? change the cause? negotiate with the cause? change yourself? change both? Whatever the choice, after you've executed it: are you happier, or less happy? If happier, good; if less happy, or at the same level as before, repeat the above.
Hahahahahaha, yes. That sure backfired on poor Miss Alyssa Bereznak.
The main differences between then and now are that now I have much more control over when I come, I'm turned on by a broader range of women, and I can afford to hire prostitutes to supplement the not-quite-once-a-week I get at home.
The bf has NO clue. Even though a vagina is amazingly rugged, there's those pesky problems that can crop up with Too. Much. Vigorous. PIV (apparently his "gold standard"), such as "Honeymoon cystitis", being rubbed raw inside when natural lubrication dries up, UTIs, a sensitive cervix that may resent getting pounded over and over again at various times of a woman's cycle. If she comes down with a few infections, bf won't be getting PIV four times a week. It'll be ZERO times a week until her symptoms clear up.
Though, Dan, even if bf were still willing, minute for minute, to be fucked, perhaps he should be introduced to edging and turn those four necessary daily orgasms into one or two sensational ones. On. His. Own.
I'm usually very slow to label sexual activity an addiction, but her words are leading me in that direction: It sounds as if sex has become the entire focus of their living together ... and of his personal can't-or-won't-do-without-it-routine, whether or not it interferes with other aspects of their individual lives. As MBIIH is still in college, how can she possibly study or finish assignments if he's after her for sex every day (and gets it 4 out of 7)? It sounds as if he has a lot of time on his hands or else he really IS neglecting his other obligations. Does he not have a job that might drain at least some of his energy and focus away from sex?
But he's constantly horny, constantly whining and constantly cranky. Uh ... where's the GGG-ness on his part to be an understanding lover? Right now, he's acting supremely entitled to her body. It's not just their libidoes that are mismatched, even if hers is high. He seems to be lacking appreciation and respect for her. If he wants and needs a ready hole, there are toys out there. MBIIH is NOT a toy, bf. She's a real live person. Treat her with the inherent dignity which everybody you value deserves.
So I think it is normal for a lot of young guys to be that horny most of the time. But it isn't normal or reasonable to expect full on penetrative sex that often. Balance, dude. Balance.
That seems par for the course for 23 year olds. Didn't everyone go through the once or twice a day phase in their twenties?
And for the record, the prostitute comment was a joke. I've never hired a sex worker for anything more than a lap dance.
I was a 5x7 man for 20+ YEARS, and yet managed to be a father, hold down a job and be a mate, first to my wife and then my partners. Doesn't take long to wank one out if the need is there- about as long as smoking a cigarette, for perspective.
BUT- there's no point whining to your GF, BF or dog for more than 4-6 PIV sessions per week, buddy boy. LW- Take Dan's advice, for your BF's sake and all the other partners he has in the future.
These two kids have very different expectations, and she's found sex a chore. But "pounding a hole" seems so negative, Dan. It's easier and way more fun for me than giving head or hand jobs. So it's their differing expectations and how they deal with it, NOT the pounding of the hole.
::shrieks::
Um ... I happen to like parsnips (though not raw and the butter would definitely be for the cooked version). Also, who says he deserves a really smooth ride? Besides, lubed condom is ... lubed.
maybe i am just lucky to be matched up with a girl with a similar libido
Based on this letter, if I was the LW I'm not sure I would trust this guy to be safe with outside partners, even if he knew it was important, for my sake and his own, to be careful. He seems too impulsive and desperate. I suspect if he was in an open relationship and sex was on offer, he'd take it at any price.
Also, would he be honest with his partner about any risks he took, knowing that it would mean no sex with her till he was definitely clear? I wouldn't trust this situation, myself.
Being in a poly relationship of any kind requires being *more* responsible and *less* impulsive rather than the reverse.
No offense, ladies, but if you want PiV more than once a day, your guy isn't doing it right. If my experience with women is typical, you should average 5-8 orgasms before he shoots, in the course of a single 60-120 minute session, which will include some powerful, animalistic hammering. You should be a bit shaky on your legs and sore in all the good places for a day or two, not ready to go again in a few hours.
And dude, if you're wanking one out in less time than it takes to have a cigarette, you're not doing it right either.
On a more relevant note, this guy's libido isn't the problem - the problem is his attitude. Being GGG is the duty of both partners. He is failing at that right now, with a selfishness that wouldn't bode well for the long term future of any relationship, but for the fact that he is young and learning. She probably should show him this column.
I'm all for high sex drives, but it seems like this dude is all about the sex, in an annoying, boring way. How is there time for enjoying her and their relationship when all he wants to do is fuck?
And where is she getting off in all of this? Minimally, I bet.
My last college girlfriend was like you, I was up for 2 a day PIV, she was up for more. Alas, I graduated and she didn't (2 years to go), and I didn't like the long distance thing, for me but especially for her. (Sometimes twenty somethings can be generous; college is about freedom. She ended up with a horse-hung-hottie (and would call to tease me; I am average. If she were a male, she'd be hung like a horse as well, so there was a case of physical incompatibility between us in addition to distance). I ended up with a crash and burn dumping that prepared me for real life.)
MBIH,
It is time to set out what you want and need. If he isn't able to understand taking care of business, then you need to put yourself first. Don't let him screw up your "mission", and don't let him guilt you for having other priorities. Part of growing up means being told no, and living with it. Besides, sex is best when both (all?) parties are up for it. Good luck.
Peace.
If your own sperm serves as a lubricant in PIV sex, you have a high sex drive.
@50,
While I am the type that loves eating pussy at the drop of a kerchief, I suspect most women would be feeling pretty raw getting oral sex more than 2-3 times in a day. I have done it more a couple of times when we were on vacation, but then we weren't doing much walking. (Sigh, how I love my wife.)
Peace.
@63, I make my normally bearded man shave before vacation. ;)
Some guys are just like this I guess. I consider myself lucky because 9 times out of 10, Hubby does his best to get me off too - and over the years he's learned how to do that well and quickly. So we turned what could have been a tricky, exhausting situation into a win-win.
Here's how I was able to cope and save my "hole" as Dan so eloquently puts it: It was my idea to become polyamorous. We now have another woman in the house and I now get a good night's sleep every other night. This is our "mature marriage" win-win. If the couple in the letter have the ability to share, its a solution that works for me. (And I get help making dinner!)
morning sex
post work sex
sex before bed
is 3 already. if you are spending the day inside you can easily squeeze in a 4th in between laundry. it all depends on your drive though and no two people are alike
@68: "the guy in question is a whiner and should count his blessings but it's weird to think 4 times in a day is wasting a ton of time"
Between the ramp-up, foreplay, PIV, post-sex cuddling and chatting and cleanup, 4 times could easily take up the majority of a night, and over the weeks and months, amounts to a lot not getting done. Fun is fun, but it sounds like he's really not doing what he needs to do to better himself in between bouts of lovemaking.
How about a reward system? Pick up the clutter, BJ. Do the laundry, PIV. Make dinner, PIV. Leaving you the fuck alone when you have to study, priceless.
Peace.
Anyway, my point is that, although the bf does seem whiny and annoying, I don't think wanting sex four times a day -- especially in your 20s -- is that strange.
It is, but his sense of entitlement and nasty cajoling, essentially blaming her for his "blue balls" is what makes him a doucher, not his high libido.
Sorry, bad joke. At the same time, I wish I could come up with a way to help MBIIH's boyfriend understand how unfair his demands are.
Peace.
And for those who note he'd be shooting blanks by time 4 . . . that's what I've found. generally orgasm 3 or 4 is where the bloke runs out of actual ejaculate, but that doesn't mean no orgasms. In fact, weirdly, sometimes it seems like the "dry" ones are more powerful--almost like the body is trying so hard to produce something that it's more intense. But that's based on a very small sample size, so just a random speculation.
great sex need not take that long. i still had a great social life and was a full-time student. he was dicking around blowing an inheritance. i will tell you this. we weren't probably the greatest hosts. we'd sometimes end up wandering off and fucking while people were at the crib. we also fucked a lot in public and in cars and in hallways and bathrooms. but this was in a country where PDA is the rule not the exception. the one time i refused oral that brought on a huge fight.i just didn't want a load in my mouth right then. anyway it took me ten years to find another man like him and then another two years to find a man with that libido who was worth a shit in other ways. and i married him.
privilege.txt
Agree with @56, this letter is sooooooo claustrophobic. It's making me feel like I'm living in a tiny person-shaped bubble surrounded by dicks.
I was like that in my twenties and now in my 40's i still enjoy a 4xday day when i'm seeing a guy regularly.
As I was reading your comment I found myself wondering if I'd already commented int his thread without remembering it; my story is identical to yours, except my 3 years with a demanding, insatiable man with no respect for my own boundaries/needs/comfort was from ages 19-22. HIs libido was not the problem, his sense that I should feel obligated to "help him out" at the drop of a hat if happened to get an erection in my presence was.
The guy's gotta practice being still, meditation would be the best, but 90% chance he wouldn't be motivated enough - also helpful would be more sports, more exercise, more focusing on what he should do with this life....