Dan, that response brought a tear to my eye. Perfect.

I cried (am crying). As someone who has a love one with MS, I am going to go hug the shit out of them today.

"...we are all broken or headed that way..." A truer statement has never been said. Good wishes to you Broken.

This one's a tear-jerker, both the letter and the response. Thanks for sharing it, Dan.

Excellent response, Dan. I couldn't agree with your advice more.

So great.

wow, I just returned from a therapy session where I finally accepted that "we are all broken or headed that way" and realized that I should focus on the working things and not the broken things. I really hope that BSH is able to accept this too, because it feels tremendous.

I was thinking that if Dan could help coordinate this, I would offer some money for a professional sex therapist or occupational therapist to work with Broken to improve her life via less anxiety about sexual activity. with a wee bit of therapy on the side.

MS does affect your sex drive, but so does depression, so it's hard to say which is causing the problem. I would assume it's the depression, because I've been there, and that post-diagnosis depression is the worst. I felt broken in all kinds of ways, and I was fortunate in that they were able to treat me effectively and I was able to return to my previous physical state back then. But you never lose that feeling like your body has betrayed you and you are forever at its mercy. You never know in the morning if you will be able to walk or see. You never know how long it will last when you do get sick. You go to stupid MS groups for help, and you see all those people who are sicker than you and you think, god, this is my future. That's not helpful when you're depressed. I wish I knew what was, but there's never an easy solution. Just talk to your neurologist about everything, talk to your husband, talk to your friends, talk to other people who have it. It will take a long time to accept the diagnosis, and every time you get sick, you may very well take a few steps backwards, but ultimately, in time, you'll start feeling better.

I don't know if it will help, but I try to treat my MS as lightly as possible, with as much humor as I can manage. Also, it's fun to watch others be confused as to whether they should laugh at you or pity you. Were I in your shoes, and had I a husband with a sense of humor, I would probably tell him in bed at night, "I'm sorry dear, but I've spent all day being fucked by MS, and I just don't have the energy to be fucked by you too."

That being said, I hope that it's just depression getting in the way and that your sex drive will return in time. Know that you're not alone. Hugs and positive thoughts to you. And to MS, I say, fuck you.

So thoughtful, Dan.

Good advice by @12.

Jesus Motherfucking Christ on a cracker! Before you step up with the pot and MDMA, please, there are better ways for women to raise dopamine, healthier ways, legal ways. Pimping my book again, but would it kill you to maybe mention high-dose fish oil? Just as a step up, try that first, and then bring in the stuff that might get you arrested if it doesn't work. It FUCKING WORKS. For women. Also get free testosterone checked.

Dear Dan,

I appreciate what you're saying when you say "we are all broken or headed that way", I really do, but the truth is we are not, or at least not all of us all of the time.

Sure, all of us have our faults, our brokenness, etc. But that doesn't mean there is no differentiation to be made in this. I don't mean to say someone with MS is per definition more broken than average, but what I am saying is that someone who just got diagnosed last year, and is already affected in her entire left side, walking with a cane, suffering loss of strength, etc., is probably a little more broken than average.

I know, I've been there. As the partner of someone with MS, with whom the MS not only had enormous effect on her energy, but also on the sensation in all of the body parts associated with orgasm. What happens is: at once you have unlearned all that you learn about your body (or that of your partner) concerning sex: from the tender stroke to reaching an orgasm. And you don't unlearn gradually, you unlearn it all at once.

"Let your husband love you" is spot on advice, but I think the advice to BSH should not only be that she should realise we all feel inadequate, and neither should it only be that she could use drugs. BSH needs some reassurance from people who have been where she is at: faced a sudden loss of all the knowledge she has about her body. I can give her that.

If you will not let yourself be discouraged by feeling inadequate, BSH, and keep trying to love and be loved relentless, you will eventually learn how to use your body again, broken though it may be. My wife couldn't come for several years without it becoming really unpleasant. We kept having sex, working around the problem, and eventually, through triall and a lot of error, found ways to enjoy sex regardless, and now she even found her ability to reach orgasm again in a pleasant way.

The problem with MS is, though, that it is progressive. So once you relearn something, it might be taken away from you again later, even very soon. So this can be a level of insecurity and brokenness you will have to learn to live with. And your husband too.

What you obviously want is to get stable. This is not all in your hands (or of your doctor). But you can do something. Get educated. Be a better expert on MS than your house-doctor! (this is not too difficult, I can tell you) And if you have insurance, try to get the Tysabri-treatment. It's not perfect, but it has really good results in minimizing exacerbations of the disease and sometimes even stabilizing it.

Good luck.

I love you, Dan.

Ring the bells that still can ring
Forget your perfect offering
There is a crack in everything
That's how the light gets in

(Leonard Cohen)

Dan: fantastic. IMO, you're inspired lately.

I think by "everybody gets broken", @ 16, what Dan meant was, whether MS, depression, weight gain, injury, cancer, or just plain old age, nobody retains the vigor of youth all the way through the game. If you're in an LTR of any sort with plans to grow older w/ someone, something can happen - & usually does. I have issues that I didn't have at 16 or at 26. Learning to love the body you have, as opposed to just pining for the one you had, & to be as healthy as possible within your current parameters is hard.

Definite good advice from Dan, BSH: I knew someone w/ MS who bought some Liberator pillows to compensate w/ her loss of mobility. It made sex much easier for her & her hubby. Also, 11 & 12 seem like they've had experience worth listening to.

BSH, it's hard to think of yourself as "changed" when you feel "broken". Things won't be the same as before (duh, right?). But if you tackle your depression seriously, it doesn't have to win. Hold on to your baby, lean on your hubby; make sure you have lotsa support & hang on to life - challenging, maddening, but what we got to work with.

My best friend (and uncle) has MS. He was diagnosed 8 years ago. I would like to suggest that you go vegan. I know this sounds crackpot, but I'm not saying this for any PETA reason. Just that the progress of the MS was reversed for my Uncle. He couldn't walk. And now he can. Ask your doctor about going vegan; it could regain some of your feeling and give you a few extra years of your life.

@16

Yeah. That line wasn't necessary. We all have shit in our lives, but it ain't MS. Some problems are bigger - much bigger - than others and saying "oh we all suffer" is a little dismissive of her issues and how she feels. :( Telling her to welcome her husbands love says enough that she is still loved and will continue to have love and feel better about herself as time goes on and her confidence is restored.

#18
Wonderful, appropriate quote. Thank you.
Dan, thank you for a wonderful Letter of the Day response
Letter Writer: good luck. We're all rooting for you.

Best wishes, LW. A big virtual hug, too.

My aunt and a girlfriend both have MS. I'm so sorry, it sucks.

Well said, Dan.

I believe medical marijuana has other benefits for sufferers of MS. I have read that it can alleviate symptoms to a surprising extent and slow damage.

http://insciences.org/article.php?articl…

I was diagnosed w/ MS too, and it scared the crap and sex out of me for a while. But since, I am fine (no MS drugs, no relapses, 5 years - when diagnosed 8 brain lesions and lots of the bad stuff in my spinal tap) and maybe it was a misdiagnoses - BUT what I am sure of is that I have been vitamin D deficient (my family doctor finally decided to check me for that) and ever since I started taking supplements (5,000 IU) a day I have felt super better than normal. Who knows - but have your vitamin D levels checked and give it time to absorb the news and get physical therapy. No one has a great sex drive while in shock.

Lovely reply, Dan. Sometimes your gentleness astonishes me, although it really shouldn't. Thank you.

Seconding the appreciation for Dan's sympathetic response, and for the informed posters who are passing along what has worked for them in dealing with MS. Slog is a wonderful resource.

I don't think that pot is the answer that Dan makes it out to be. I have noticed though that some stimulants stimulate my sex drive...coffee in particular. Also welbutrin is one of the few antidepresants that seem to have a positive effect on desire.

Beautiful reply, Dan, and I don't agree with those that say you shouldn't have said that we are all broken in some way or headed that way. The reality is that is true. Perhaps you aren't broken physically by a physical illness. Perhaps you become broken by growing up gay in a fundy household, or by having the person in your life abuse you horribly.

I have Crohn's disease, and a rather nasty case of it that we cannot seem to get under control. When I was still able to work, my co-workers would often start telling me about their problems and then stop and say, "Oh, I know this is nothing compared to what you are going through." And my reply would always be, "Everybody got their something." Just because my situation seems more difficult doesn't mean that what another experiences isn't just as horrible as what I'm going through. Everybody hurts, everybody gets broken. Nobody gets out alive or without scars of some kind.

And you know what, as a person who often feels broken due to this illness, I am so freaking glad that I am not alone! Not that I'm glad other people have horrible things in their lives, I'm not. And I would never wish Crohn's, or any other disease, on somebody else. But, at least I know that I'm not the only one who struggles with their body, and in that knowledge, I actually feel less broken.

There is a Chassidic saying that goes, "The only complete heart is one that has been broken," and I would extend that to say that he only complete person is one who has been broken in some way. It will often make you a better, more compassionate person.

Good luck, LW, and don't give up.

@ 21: I don't think it was dismissive - it wasn't "oh, we all suffer", it was "there's no escaping it but you're not alone."

@29: Beautiful and true.

Nice piece, Dan. MS is tricky. Try MS hooked-up with a quadriplegic. Creativity and versatility win. Let the parts of mind and body that work do what they do best. Don't be attached to performing or receiving orgasm. Masturbation gets it done. Massage can be orgasmic, even heightened with MS, with care and exploration. Push the envelope of what caring sex and sensuality can be. And remember, no one else critiques disabled people on the subject of sex, no matter how they do it. They fawking applaud. Go get 'em.

MS is one experience I haven't had. Luckily, so many people here have complemented Dan's excellent advice with their own experiences. SLOGers are indeed an interesting bunch of people.

Yes, we are all broken. And yes, this is not to belittle those who suddenly have to face a new way in which this is true; rather, it is part of what connects us.

BSH, good luck. In all sincerity. I wished I could say more than that. I don't know much about this particular way of being broken. But I only say what I can: good luck. I hope Dan's advice, and what others said here, will prove useful to you.

Take care.

I know a woman that has MS, and was told by her doctor to get a wheel chair. She almost told him to shove the chair up his ass. And that in a nutshell, along with fights with the healthcare provider about medication coverage, is what you don't need. As suggested above, find a doctor that actually knows the disease. I hope that you (the LW) don't give up on yourself.

Peace.

Slight amendment @35,

...was told to get a wheelchair long before she needed one, since she was going to end up there anyway...

Peace.

SO, in the separate but related department,

Newt Gingrich asked wife #2 if he could open up their marriage to be with future wife #3. The related part is, when he found out wife #2 had MS, he divorced her.

Family values, huh. Till death do us part, or at least major illness, seems to be Gingrich's motto. Words fail me to express the degree of contempt I hold for this...

Peace.

Dear BSH:

I just wanted to send you encouragement. You say you're missing chasing your toddler around. But is that really what's most important? What about your toddler growing up and saying, "My mom was fantastic. She never let a day go by without telling me how much she loved me. No, she couldn't play with me – and I didn't really understand at the time why she couldn't move around like other moms did until dad talked to me. My dad was great, too; he and mom made up a let's-pretend-game where mom could pretend she was sneaking up behind me. I'd pretend she'd caught me and run to her and hug her and giggle. I loved her so much." What am I trying to illustrate? That you don't pretend to be fully able-bodied when you can't be, especially when it's just you and your closest family. And that the value of physical play with children can be overrated. Remember that there are countless parents in wheelchairs whose parenting success is not measured by whether they can run with their children or even hold them as babies.

Another thing is to find out all the services to which you are entitled, as well as medical assistance and devices. Don't try to wear yourself out physically on things that aren't really important. Is an immaculate house really high up on your list? I don't think so. However, in the interest of preserving what energy you do have while still maintaining a clean living environment, I'd begin by looking for people to take on the majority of house cleaning, grocery shopping, food prep. If you and your husband can afford it, then hire people. If you can't, then reach out to relatives and to your community, your church (if you belong to one). I still remember one of my high school teachers who had cancer IIRC. She had an enormous support group and was written up in one of our big city newspapers because of it.

Don't look at your cane with loathing. Yes, you need it to move about. But does that mean it has to be ... and look utilitarian? Nope. If you want to, spray paint it with glitter and add a huge fake jewel to the top. Adopt royal airs. You get the idea. Make the cane so outrageous that people overlook the need part and focus on the outlandishness. And admire your creativity!

Finally, Dan was right. "Let your husband love you." But he didn't go far enough. Instead of worrying about what your body can no longer do (in or out of bed), let your husband experiment. If you can't move certain parts of your body, then let him do it. Pretend you're like Gumby. One thing I would highly recommend is that – even if your left side has been affected severely – your husband should never stop caressing it ... each stroke an affirmation of every single body part of yours. Most importantly, never let yourself think you're letting your husband down. When you have the time, type "sex and disability" into your search engine and see how many hits you'll get. There's also at least one book on the subject (it's quite thick, too, though the print is appallingly tiny).

Mind you, I'm not trying to make everything sound like all light and sweetness (not to mention the magic ponies and rainbows either). You have every right to rage ... but direct it in positive ways. Keep a blog, even if you're the only one who will ever read it. Make fun of yourself. That helps a lot. If you need to yell, find a private sound-proofed place where you can do it (the garage, maybe). If you believe you need to talk to a therapist, then go ahead and do it ... anything to help you live with your diagnosis.

So, how can I offer any of the above advice with any credibility? If I sign off as "The Fencing Pirate", that may give you a clue or two.

@40 Anorak,

What bothered her was not that he was saying she should accept needing assistance at some point, but rather to "just get it over with". This woman is nothing if not practical, with an attitude of deal with it as it comes. A doctor with experience with MS would not have sold her a bill of hopelessness.

Since I personally am legally blind without corrective lenses, I am not terribly inclined to sell people with disabilities short. In fact I have gained benefits from my disability; training myself to walk while blind is very useful in navigating a dark room at night.

Peace.

Dear BSH,

Please watch the TEDxIowaCity talk with Dr. Terry Wahls: Minding your Mitochondria on YouTube (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KLjgBLwH3… she reversed her MS with diet. It's less than 20 minutes long and she tells you what you need to eat and why--it's fascinating! My uncle died of MS about 7 years ago and now his daughter has it. I wish he had had this information, but I'm so glad to be able to pass it along to my cousin, and now to you.

Good luck!

@ 41 bravo!!!!

@ 44

::takes a bow::

Thank you. Often people have to find unusual solutions to the problems that life throws at them. I've had my share of unfortunate experiences, but it helps that I also have a terrific imagination.

~signed~
The Fencing Pirate QUEEN
(gee, even I forgot all about my own royal status)

fish oil? wotta unsustainable idea hemp oil is better in sustainability and allthose omega oils