That was an awesome rant and sales pitch.

Fetlife has helped me greatly. But the only reason I found FetLife was because I joined/entered the local kink scene.

That letter was so long winded and exhausting to read. Jesus people. Less is truly more at times

I am so vanilla that if Yankee Candle could render me, they could manufacture all their candles for the next 100 years without resorting to so much as a single vanilla bean.

Sigh.

@ 3: Seriously! Couldn't make it past the halfway mark.

Also, I try not to knock other people's kinks, but holy shit; that sounds both deeply disturbing and deeply, deeply unsexy. But I guess that why it's not my kink...

@4: You think they use actual vanilla beans? That shit's straight up vanillin!

Fantastic letter and endorsement. I love to hear about the people who are into some freaky shit and proud of it. Makes the rest of us proud of our kinks, too.

I'm a married woman with a strong sadistic streak and a sweet husband as vanilla as can be, and I swear FetLife has saved my life.

I have two delightful submissive men I see, with my husband's approval. They don't make a pass at me and accept that it's SM only. I get to do the craziest stuff my sadistic imagination can think of, and then come home and snuggle with my sweet, gentle husband.

Just you try finding a big, beefy, straight-ish guy to put on a dress and beat the crap out of you...

I feel for you, dude. My fetish is for being shouted down and shamed for my moral failings by liberal women in the comments sections of alt blogs. Never had any trouble finding partners to play that role.

#5 halfway point is when it actually got interesting.

I just have to tell you again, seandr, how awesome you are!

Why would kinksters say "safe, sane, consensual" when they can instead use an acronym that's also the name of a torture device?

#16: maybe because waterboarding is neither safe nor sane.

#16: because "RACK" and "SSC" (or "Safe Sane & Consensual") are not the same but instead are competing standards. Safe Sane & Consensual means you only do safe things, whereas under RACK, you do what people call "edge play", i.e. things which we all know are not safe, but both people are aware of the risks, willing to take the risks, and consenting to the chance something is going to go wrong.

RACK players play harder than SSC ones do. It's a different viewpoint.

I myself am more of a RACK girl. One of my submissives was giving me a hard time the other day about my plans to do some things he thought were too risky with another sub, and he asked me what I'd do if it went wrong. "After I call 911, I'll call my husband and say, 'honey, come home & get me a lawyer, I'm getting arrested today,'" I said cheerily. That's RACK. Under SSC, you don't have to talk or think that way.

@16 Because SSC and RACK have different philosophies behind them. SSC puts the emphasis on safety first. RACK puts the emphasis on understanding the risks of the activities you're doing. Some activities can never be made really safe, for example needle play or fire play. I play RACK because as far as I'm concerned there is nothing without inherent risk, just different levels of risk.

Come on, people, be honest.

Who among us actually read the whoooooole thing?

I once joined Fetlife, but soon discovered that other than being gay, I'm far too boring for the Fetlife scene. I've long since forgotten what my login is.

Still, for people who are into it, I'm glad it's out there for you.

@21 I did? It really didn't take that long. And it was way more interesting than most sites I read today. I always find it kind of refreshing to remember that there are people out there right now exploring kinks I haven't even considered.

@12- If you were gay, I'd wanna date you, seandr!

If you couldn't be arsed to read a bit of text, you definitely aren't the type to do a bit of planning for a kink scene. Nor, for that matter, a romantic event of some kind for your sexual prey, because that's likely just what they are.

Although I support plugging FetLife, I would request, if possible, an accompanying PSA about FetLife from Dan when he mentions it. The ratio of men to women who are kinky is extremely high (EXTREMELY high), so it's really great for women. Of course it's really great for men with fetishes too, because the men are going at it knowing that at least their prospective dates are into what they are into. But of course this makes those men very motivated to get those women. Any woman on there will get overwhelming attention from men.

There are a lot of men on FetLife, usually under 25 and totally clueless about this. Their list of fetishes is receiving blowjobs, giving anal and watching women wear lingerie. And they are interested in finding out more about FMF threesomes. This does not make them kinky, it makes them male. These idiots then pursue women on FetLife in a wholesale manner, I assume reasoning that a woman into sex will be a woman into sex with everybody. What they don't understand is that their odds of finding a woman are much higher on a vanilla dating site, where they aren't competing against desperately eligible men who would do just about anything to get the kink-friendly woman of their dreams. Please tell these young goobers to focus on more vanilla sex-positive sites like Adult Friend Finder and PlentyOfFish and Craigslist to find their hookups, because they aren't going to win out against hugely motivated men willing to do anything to become a woman's Prince Charming.

So wait, if both parties involved are aware and agree on the risk, what level of risk is ok? I mean "probably death" is a risk assessment ... "german cannibal couple" is where I'm going with this to be quick about it.

I'm guessing theres boundaries to it aswell - could someone please inform me how this works because now I'm freaking out and have this vision of suicide pacts where both wear gimp masks and I assume/hope thats not fair to kink-people.

@27 - re: what level of risk is ok
case by case basis - different people are comfortable with different amounts of risk.
So, it works, by... ya know... discussing it.

This is true with non-kink stuff too, ie: whether to use condoms, dental dams, gloves for what activities, etc. - different people have different answers about what they're comfortable doing.

Ive found more attractive kinky people on okcupid than fetlife. On fetlife I have found Waitresses at places I frequent and casual friends though. Pretty informative that way.

@21. Me. Was guessing it sort of might get into some hot details of violent penetration of str8 men AND IT DID :-).

Obviously @10 didn't read it. Usually I skip the unreg comments but lately some have been on topic and worthwhile. Time to start skipping again.

If any FetLife kinksters are reading this: do any of the Fs into gang raping str8 guys ever invite a gay/bi guy to join in on the ass assault of the str8 guy? If so what areas on FetLife would be best to search for this, or do these groups have such an oversupply of male tops looking for this that it's a long shot...?

Fetlife is a great website.

@27
Don't panic. It's actually a whole lot simpler and more basic in real life, it just gets twitchy when people try to explain it in academic terms.

The basic idea of both philosophies is to do things consensually, with an awareness of any risks that are involved, in such a way to minimize those risks as much as possible.

The theoretical focus of one is on keeping things safe, the theoretical focus of the other is informed consent about the risks. In practice, they're pretty much identical, or at least overlap a heck of a lot.

The vast majority of people in the scene are having fun. Cannibalism is generally frowned upon.

Come to think of it Dan, how come you've only told your readers to visit "www.google.com" like ten times in your podcasts? It's a great site for finding other sites (like FetLife), and I've found plenty of other useful sites through it! You should always mention www.google.com whenever a caller wants information that can plausibly be found there. Why are you against google, Dan!

However people feel about RACK or FetLife, I hope they can see how irritating this letter is.

FetLife is a specific site. The people that receive advice from Dan are (by and large) adults, and when he advises them to search on the web for like-minded kinksters, it's perfectly reasonable to leave it up to them to find and choose the website that suits them. "Only occasionally" mentioning FetLife is plenty. There's no need for Dan to spoon-feed people the specific website that worked out so well for NATBAF, and the fact that he only rarely does this isn't indicative of anything.

Each specific site is worth a couple mentions now and again, and it sounds like that's exactly what FetLife is getting from Dan. I think this person just wanted an excuse to write something about her great sex life, which would be fine if she were able to think of a less annoying way to do so. What's wrong with just checking in to say "My kinky sex life is great! Keep spreading the word that kink is alright, Dan!" No need for annoying bullshit pointing out a non-existent problem.

When I go to sex shops I seriously think the guy at the counter is going to think me and bf are lame for going for the just love cuffs/silk restraints. This confirms all my self-consciousness.

Also, where the hell have EricaP and ankylosaur been lately?! I've been gone for a few days, so maybe I've just been missing them, but seriously. Top commenters are MIA.

@24: Thank you.

Chistiano Ronaldo occasionally has me wondering just how straight I really am.

hi mtnlion@35
my work picked up, and I had to cut out commenting...
not sure about ankylosaur.

@35,

He's teaching in Brazil for 6 weeks.

@34 I found this really hot lesbian. I don't mean she was hot for a lesbian, she was "conventionally attractive." She stopped using the site though.

Fetlife has a high concentration of nerds. If you think hot people who dress like Nintendo characters are gross there is not much hope for you in that sort of community.

Fetlife is not meant to be a hookup website anyway. They do not let you search by location and eye color because they do not want to scare away all of the women. It is designed to be a discussion based website.

@37: Miss you.

I wouldn't say RACK has replaced SSC. I think it's more of a divide between people who always stay SSC and think RACK is dangerous and stupid, vs people who practice RACK and think it's OK.

@26

IRL fetish events seem to have plenty of women. All those extra guys online are mostly just wankers that would never actually show up.

Just the other day, a friend of mine was complaining that she can't get enough single guys to actually show up at the fetish swingers parties she hosts. Not a problem for vanilla swingers.

I'm not sure how familiar Dan is with FetLife, but the site isn't designed to be a dating site. In fact, the operators have created a social networking site that is pretty diametrically opposed to the idea of searching out individuals whom you do not know, prior. At least in my area, most "personals"-esque posts are ridiculed and individuals out there looking to date are in the vast minority. Most people enter the community partnered.

This has been changing, somewhat, with the influx of "younger" users who are more used to "traditional" social media. Even still, compared to OKCupid or the like you're looking at a miserably small pool.

You're better off using an actual dating site while getting involved in the community for social reasons. Then comes the moment when you talk to someone at a munch and realize that you've been debating sending, what sounded like to you, a creepy message to. That's just magical.

Ehrm, that last one got away from me...

"Then comes the moment when you talk to someone at a munch and realize that you had been debating sending a message to them on OKC for awhile. That's just magical."

Fetlife was never meant to be a dating/hook up site. It is meant to be a place for people to share ideas and encourage them to get out into their local community. If fact, it discourages trying to use it as a dating/hook up site.

I think it's ridiculous to suggest, as some have here, that a would-be kinkster should be forced to google for appropriate sites when there is an established site that specifically caters to our interests and takes no extra effort to mention. I'm new here, but have already seen dozens of references to OKC, AFF, and others, and no one seems to withhold these specific sites in favor of having readers leave to go google for them. You want to find BDSM resources like FetLife via googling? Ha! I invite you to go try it sometime. Sort through the ocean of useless BDSM porn results and the like, and see how fast you can find it. I'm quite skilled in web search, but I have found it very difficult to find such a starting point for exploring this aspect of my sexuality.

I was on AFF for a few weeks, with abysmal results. Seems like it's at least 90% single men there, an astounding proportion of whom think they're being unique and seductive by sending a pic of their privates along with something imaginative like "wanna f**k?" Ugh... YAWN!!! The most excruciatingly boring individuals the vanilla world has to offer. Fortunately, I also met a gentleman there who was into kink and recommended I give FetLife a try. Over there, I've met a MUCH more intelligent crowd overall, and I don't have to sort through 50 vanillas and dozens of those stupid emails just to find another kinkster. I've made some new online friends, joined and learned from groups with common interests, and found a Munch where I met some delightful local people IRL who guide me and look out for me as a newbie. I finally found a like-minded play partner... a much easier task these days since one can search by location or specific kink. I feel like I have lots of helpful resources now and am off to a great start. I wouldn't have found any of this if I hadn't been told about it by someone in the know. So please, Dan, I urge you to ignore the naysayers. Everything has its niche. Don't make kinksters have to search for it just because some of the vanilla folks look down their noses at us.